NationStates

OOC: Recently put up an issue for review before this one, I like this one quite a bit more.

IC
Validity:
Moderate to high environmental beauty
Moderate to low healthcare system
Go Climb A Tree

Intro:

Recently, @@NATION@@ has seen a disturbing increase in the amount of injuries sustained from kids falling out of trees and other various nature-related injuries. Various citizens have proposed to you their plans for increased child safety in nature, during your peaceful evening walk in @@ANIMAL@@ Park, in which you see multiple children plummet out of the branches of tall trees.

A frazzled-looking nurse from @@CAPITAL@@ slowly and carefully walks up to you, stepping around anything slippery or round. “This can’t go on, @@LEADER@@. We’ve seen a tenfold increase in kids getting injured while from nature in the past few months, whether it be from falling from trees, eating odd berries in the woods, and even from stubbing their poor little toesies while climbing rocks. We need to clamp down on the amount of frolicking and climbing kids can do outside, for our sake and the children’s. Please @@LEADER@@, we are running out of room in the hospitals!”

Result: mesh plastic fences surround every tree in @@NATION@@

“Oh please”, says noted environmentalist @@RANDOMFIRSTNAMEMALE@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@; “we don’t need to prohibit curious kids from interacting with nature in a fun way. Yes, some kids have gotten injured, but all we need to do is add some basic outdoors skills to school curriculums, such as what types of plants to avoid, and what berries are safe to eat, and how to climb trees and rocks safely. We should also encourage guided nature walks as field trips for all age levels to have kids see what they are learning about. Then, kids can learn to be safer in the outdoors, and pick up some interesting nature facts to inspire them to help save and conserve the environment! Simple as that.”

Result: kids learn to climb sheer cliffs every Tuesday under the supervision of a park docent and their Science teacher

“Bah, let ‘em be.”, laments professional wise old man @@RANDOMFIRSTNAMEMALE@@@@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, “Back in my day, kids roamed the streets and played outside all the time. It was all we did, because we didn’t have any of these gadgets and doohickeys and banana phones or whatever they’re called. Not saying we should ban ‘em, I do quite like those puzzle games, but we should just butt out of what the young ‘uns want to do outside. In fact, we could use a few less kids round here, too many on my lawn recently. Let’s force em all to be outside for a few hours a day or so, maybe they’ll get, ah, some battle scars to show for it… or worse.”

Result: no one bats an eye when a kid falls from the upper branches of a tree in @@NATION@@


Most recent draft before this one:

Interesting premise, but you have to structure why it's a national problem that children are falling out of trees. Why have there been children playing in trees? Is that a cultural thing, a recreational activity promoted by the government, or something else going on behind the scenes? It would help if you provided a RL example as to how pervasive this issue might be. I think adding a validity like the country has high environmental beauty and thus people are inclined to go out and do outdoor activity more in said country.

Option 1 has the speaker mentioning a high increase in the number of kids getting injured in nature. The quotation "eating odd berries in the woods, and even stubbing their poor little toesies while climbing rocks" seems to imply it's not just climbing into trees and falling onto the ground that's the problem, it's about the dangers of going out in the wilderness. There have been issues published that deal with the death parameter "lost in wilderness" and the safety of outdoor recreation, maybe check to see those ones first.

I think your premise of children falling out of trees is too narrow to be a national concern unless you specify more context what is causing that huge increase, and if you want to structure it based on general safety concerns of outdoor recreation, you have to be aware of current issues that deal with that (although there might be particular angles you could do).

Edited

bump

OOC: Recently submitted an issue before this one, I like this one quite a bit more.

Was your submitted issue a lot like this? For future reference, please draft being submitting, especially for newer folks like you.

Outer Sparta wrote:

OOC: Recently submitted an issue before this one, I like this one quite a bit more.

Was your submitted issue a lot like this? For future reference, please draft being submitting, especially for newer folks like you.

Not submitted, I meant put up for review here, sorry I'm changing it.

Any feedback is greatly appreciated!

What's the difference between options 2 & 3?

There is a pretty big difference. Number 2 encourages education and safety in and about nature, and number 3 just says to let kids be and not interfere, causing more injuries but higher freedom. Number 2 increases intelligence and safety, as well as maybe public education.

Please format your drafts with clear section headers to make it a bit easier to read. Effect lines shouldn’t have their first letter capitalized or end in periods due to how they appear in the game (“following new legislation in Name…”). Also, it may be helpful to keep old versions of the draft in the thread under spoilers.

This current draft’s somewhat better, but it still doesn’t clearly establish why this is an issue for Leader. What underlying problem’s causing kids to hurt themselves outdoors, and why would Leader be called in to address the situation directly? Is it a lack of wilderness training in the national curriculum? Are unsafe areas insufficiently separate from residential areas? With a clearly established premise, you shouldn’t need the last sentence of the description (Leader cares because people are running up to them about it).

I kinda forgot about this for a month, but I think previous complaints have been dealt with. I may submit if people don’t have see any problems with it.

Given the reliance of the issue on overcrowding in hospitals, it may be necessary to include a check for an underfunded healthcare system to make it work. Alternately, it might be worth adjusting the description so that the problem isn't overcrowding, but just the very fact that huge numbers of young people are getting injured - I think it's reasonable for that to be a considered a problem even if the medical system can hypothetically handle it.

There may be more opportunities for humor in the effect lines

The third speaker seems like he's just saying to do nothing at all. That isn't an active choice, as it replicates the dismiss button. Make sure each speaker is suggesting you actually do something. Is this fellow going to suggest forcing even more kids into the outdoors, perhaps to "thin the herd" or something like that? Give him some punch.

There's some general grammatical stuff as well here and there, but overall I think you're taking this a good direction.

Bump

Is the correct draft spoilered as being the old one? The one in spoilers looks like it may be updated for feedback more than the primary one currently in the first post.

Oh, yes it is. My bad, fixed.

I will be submitting in the next few days unless anyone has any last-minute feedback.

Submitted. Fingers crossed

Good Luck!!!