Page 1 of 1

[Submitted] Death of a Statesman

PostPosted: Wed Jan 12, 2022 5:17 pm
by Chan Island
The president of Maxtopia — a brutish, warmongering dictator — has suddenly passed away of natural causes in his sleep. The government of that country has announced 2 weeks of national mourning and an extravagant state-sponsored funeral, including an invitation for all the leaders of @@REGION@@ to attend. But what will @@NAME@@ do?

Validity: all

[Option] “He was a monster who presided over a civil war and a hellish theocracy!” announces young agitator @@RANDOMNAME@@ while vandalising a gravestone for as yet unknown reasons.”The only shame is that he died peacefully instead of facing justice. We need to announce to the world good riddance and urge the Maxtopian people to do better!”
[Effect] the @@TYPE@@ speaks very ill of the dead

[option] Your foreign minister has never looked so aghast before. “And alienate one of our biggest trading partners?!” After composing themselves for a second, they continue, “Maxtopia is too big and important to provoke over such petty things as ‘war crimes’ and ‘human rights violations’, especially at a time like this. We need to send their people our deepest condolences and get you to that funeral asap. Mustn’t speak ill of the dead.”
[effect] in death, all is forgiven

[option] “So what you’re telling me, is that Maxtopia currently has no dear president...” says a grinning wannabe secret agent @@RANDOMNAME@@, wearing a bad cosplay of a well-known movie spy. “Then we should hit them, all sneaky like, and get our guy to be their new ruler! Just like go in there, with all of our gadgets, and be like “hey, be president and do what we say or die!” And then assassinate any of their government officials who don’t comply. Nothing can go wrong! Dead easy!”
[effect] the nation is in a state of war with Maxtopia

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2022 2:19 am
by Chan Island
Might as well; an overdue bump.

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2022 1:17 pm
by Thousand Branches
Throwing in my edits!
Chan Island wrote:The president of Maxtopia- a brutish, warmongering dictator- has suddenly passed away of natural causes in his sleep. The government of that country has announced 2 weeks of national mourning and a gigantic state-sponsored funeral, but what will @@NAME@@ do?

Both of the dashes around “a brutish, warmongering dictator” should be em dashes (“—“ instead of “-“).

“of natural causes in his sleep” isn’t repetitive directly, but “in his sleep” generally connotes natural causes, and it feels almost unnecessarily specific? The use of “suddenly” probably fits into the same category — does it matter that the death was sudden? That almost just makes it seem suspicious which doesn’t seem to be the focus of the issue afaik.

“government of that country” —> “Maxtopian government”

Maybe “announced” —> “ordered”? Would seem a little more forceful.

“gigantic” feels off style. Shouldn’t it be more official? Maybe something like “national”? Idk admittedly this one’s stumped me a bit, but gigantic just seems to clash especially with the rest of the tone.

I feel like there needs to be a more specific introduction than “what will @@NAME@@ do?”. Like is the Maxtopian government pressuring them to get involved? I know the second option introduced the suck up option but if there isn’t any real pressure to attend, it doesn’t make a ton of sense. Perhaps you’ve received an invitation? That would fit better narrative-wise.

Chan Island wrote:”He was a monster who presided over a civil war and a hellish theocracy!” Announces young agitator @@RANDOMNAME@@ while desecrating a grave for as yet unknown reasons.”The only shame is that he died peacefully instead of facing justice. We need to announce to the world good riddance and urge the Maxtopian people to do better!”
[Effect] the @@TYPE@@ speaks very ill of the dead

Said “civil war and hellish theocracy” I assume are references to other issues and/or known facts about the Maxtopian nation?

Is there a reason “announces” is capitalized?

The “desecrating a grave” bit I think needs to be more on the nose. Frankly I don’t really get it, maybe you need to flesh it out a bit more or maybe I need to know my pop culture references, but either way it stands out to me as a touch odd.

Why is the message intended towards the Maxtopian people?

Chan Island wrote:Your foreign minister has never looked so aghast before. “And alienate one of our biggest trading partners?!” After composing themselves for a second, they continue, “Maxtopia is too big and important to snub over such petty things as ‘war crimes’ and ‘human rights violations’, especially at a time like this. We need to send over a letter of condolences to their people and get you to that funeral asap. Mustn’t speak ill of the dead.”
[effect] in death, all is forgiven

“snub” feels too casual a word. Perhaps “provoke”? “Insult”?

“over a letter of condolences to their people” —> “their people our deepest condolences”

Chan Island wrote:”So what you’re telling me, is that Maxtopia currently has no dear president?” Grins wannabe secret agent @@RANDOMNAME@@, in a badly executed cosplay of a well-known movie spy. “Then we should hit them, all sneaky like, and get our guy to be their new ruler! Just like go in there, with all of our gadgets, and be like “hey, be president and do what we say or die!” And then assassinate any of their government officials who don’t comply. Nothing can go wrong! Dead easy!”
[effect] the nation is in a state of war with Maxtopia

Comma after the first “me” can be nixed.

I think a prefer an ellipse after “no dear president” rather than the question mark.

Same comment as earlier — why is “Grins” capitalized? Grinning is also not a word for speaking, so it reads a bit weird.

“in a badly…spy.” just reads very weird to me? Feels like it could be reworded to sound a little less choppy.

The quotations inside the quotations should be ‘’ instead.

“And then assassinate” and shouldn’t be capitalized there.

I also think the effect lines could use a little work. They’re just sort of meh at the moment. No exceptional jokes or great puns. They don’t have that NationStates flair, ya know?

Love the idea though, and hope this helped! Have a great day,

-A

PostPosted: Mon May 09, 2022 4:00 pm
by Diaboland
I really like this one! It shows a lot about the character of a nation's leader

PostPosted: Tue May 10, 2022 9:33 am
by Wind and Void Rapture 1
Is it consistent with other issues for Maxtopia to be a theocracy?

PostPosted: Sat May 21, 2022 3:04 am
by Chan Island
Wind and Void Rapture 1 wrote:Is it consistent with other issues for Maxtopia to be a theocracy?


I'm leaving it as that speaker's opinion- whether it is or isn't is up for interpretation.

Thousand Branches wrote:Throwing in my edits!
Chan Island wrote:The president of Maxtopia- a brutish, warmongering dictator- has suddenly passed away of natural causes in his sleep. The government of that country has announced 2 weeks of national mourning and a gigantic state-sponsored funeral, but what will @@NAME@@ do?

Both of the dashes around “a brutish, warmongering dictator” should be em dashes (“—“ instead of “-“).

“of natural causes in his sleep” isn’t repetitive directly, but “in his sleep” generally connotes natural causes, and it feels almost unnecessarily specific? The use of “suddenly” probably fits into the same category — does it matter that the death was sudden? That almost just makes it seem suspicious which doesn’t seem to be the focus of the issue afaik.

“government of that country” —> “Maxtopian government”

Maybe “announced” —> “ordered”? Would seem a little more forceful.

“gigantic” feels off style. Shouldn’t it be more official? Maybe something like “national”? Idk admittedly this one’s stumped me a bit, but gigantic just seems to clash especially with the rest of the tone.

I feel like there needs to be a more specific introduction than “what will @@NAME@@ do?”. Like is the Maxtopian government pressuring them to get involved? I know the second option introduced the suck up option but if there isn’t any real pressure to attend, it doesn’t make a ton of sense. Perhaps you’ve received an invitation? That would fit better narrative-wise.

Chan Island wrote:”He was a monster who presided over a civil war and a hellish theocracy!” Announces young agitator @@RANDOMNAME@@ while desecrating a grave for as yet unknown reasons.”The only shame is that he died peacefully instead of facing justice. We need to announce to the world good riddance and urge the Maxtopian people to do better!”
[Effect] the @@TYPE@@ speaks very ill of the dead

Said “civil war and hellish theocracy” I assume are references to other issues and/or known facts about the Maxtopian nation?

Is there a reason “announces” is capitalized?

The “desecrating a grave” bit I think needs to be more on the nose. Frankly I don’t really get it, maybe you need to flesh it out a bit more or maybe I need to know my pop culture references, but either way it stands out to me as a touch odd.

Why is the message intended towards the Maxtopian people?

Chan Island wrote:Your foreign minister has never looked so aghast before. “And alienate one of our biggest trading partners?!” After composing themselves for a second, they continue, “Maxtopia is too big and important to snub over such petty things as ‘war crimes’ and ‘human rights violations’, especially at a time like this. We need to send over a letter of condolences to their people and get you to that funeral asap. Mustn’t speak ill of the dead.”
[effect] in death, all is forgiven

“snub” feels too casual a word. Perhaps “provoke”? “Insult”?

“over a letter of condolences to their people” —> “their people our deepest condolences”

Chan Island wrote:”So what you’re telling me, is that Maxtopia currently has no dear president?” Grins wannabe secret agent @@RANDOMNAME@@, in a badly executed cosplay of a well-known movie spy. “Then we should hit them, all sneaky like, and get our guy to be their new ruler! Just like go in there, with all of our gadgets, and be like “hey, be president and do what we say or die!” And then assassinate any of their government officials who don’t comply. Nothing can go wrong! Dead easy!”
[effect] the nation is in a state of war with Maxtopia

Comma after the first “me” can be nixed.

I think a prefer an ellipse after “no dear president” rather than the question mark.

Same comment as earlier — why is “Grins” capitalized? Grinning is also not a word for speaking, so it reads a bit weird.

“in a badly…spy.” just reads very weird to me? Feels like it could be reworded to sound a little less choppy.

The quotations inside the quotations should be ‘’ instead.

“And then assassinate” and shouldn’t be capitalized there.

I also think the effect lines could use a little work. They’re just sort of meh at the moment. No exceptional jokes or great puns. They don’t have that NationStates flair, ya know?

Love the idea though, and hope this helped! Have a great day,

-A


Implemented. Not got many ideas for effect lines right now, but ideas very welcome.