The Sultan of Swing
desc: The Sultan of Tanahlada -- a faraway kingdom known for its tangerine trees, strawberry fields, and vast wealth of mineral resources -- is absolutely smitten with your niece. He is asking for your blessing to marry her.
option: A parade of musicians, dancing girls, and exotic animals announces the Sultan's arrival. After an irrationally long musical number led by a strange man in blue body paint, the Sultan finally floats into your office on a flying carpet that may or may not be levitated by magnets. “Please allow me to introduce myself,” he says. “I am a man of wealth and taste, and my country has much to offer as an ally to @@NAME@@. Our mines are rich with silver, copper, and coal... but I have crossed the ocean for a heart of gold: your niece @@RANDOMFIRSTNAMEFEMALE@@. She's so very special. Her smile is like a breath of spring! She could have her choice of men, but surely any woman would be happy with a man like me.”
effect: flesh and blood are the price of coal
option: “What in hell is he doing here?” retorts your sister. “That stuffed shirt swaggering peacock already has 63 other wives, he's a skeevy party animal, and he's way too damn old! He's also a creep and a weirdo.” She gives the Sultan an angry glare. “My daughter is not a token to be traded away. She might need a lot of loving, but she doesn't need you!”
effect: they say in @@CAPITAL@@ love comes first
I am especially interested in suggestions to fit in more song lyrics/references.