TITLE:
Take 'Em Out
VALIDITY:
capitalism, has internet
DESCRIPTION:
A weird day in the office today, with no less than five members of your senior cabinet showing off their brand new smartphones.An impromptu survey reveals that all of them are replacing broken phones, and all of them owned their previous phones for less than a year and a half before the batteries failed.
OPTION 1
"These days, there's a calculated program of blatant planned obsolescence in the cellphone industry," moans your party-pooping Secretary of State, who is well known to have used an old fashioned Maxia 3310 for the last quarter century. "New fangled phones have screens that are the first point of impact when you drop them, software updates that break older iterations, and tech giants bullying small repair businesses into taking down any documentation for anything but their latest manuals. But you know where we should start? Batteries! Force companies to make them replaceable rather than glued in, and you quadruple phone lifespan, which is good for the consumer, good for the environment, good for..."
OUTCOME:
tech companies try to convince us that this year's must-have battery is slightly better than last year's must-have battery
OPTION 2
"Good for being atrociously boring," finishes your tragically hip Junior Minister of the Interior, using his 'Make People Look Silly' AR App to turn the Secretary of State into a human-tortoise hybrid, to the amusement of all. "My new phone is GOAT, Gucci, snatched. Look, @@LEADER@@, no-one is asking you to be cool, but us younger ministers will fit you out with the newest and best phone, and you can like so-casually answer a call next time you're out for a walk, and OHMIGOD headline story '@@LEADER@@ is On Fleek'. And hey, good for the high-tech economy, good for progress, good for...
OUTCOME:
@@LEADER@@ is lit / yeet / reem / sploog / raiiii and a whole bunch of other made up noises
OPTION 3
"Good for nothing layabout!" interjects Major Oak A Boomer, a retired army man believes life wasted on the young. "Removable batteries aren't enough, we need things made to last! Look at my trusty AK-187 rifle here: thirty years with good maintenance, and it's as good as the day I looted... uh... as the day I bought it. Telephones should have a twenty year warranty on them, to be repaired at the replaced at the manufacturer's cost if they go wrong."
OUTCOME:
carphones the size of bricks are inexplicably back in fashion
