TITLE:
Stop Talking, @@randomfemalefirstname@@
VALIDITY:
internet, capitalism
DESCRIPTION:
Internet giant Rainforest is the market leader in Smart Speakers, voice command devices with integrated virtual assistants that allow users to easily control the technology on their computers and in their homes. The default "wake-up name" for the device is @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@, a fact that has made the lives of many humans named @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@ a misery, with one ten year old child taking her own life after being perpetually demeaned and bullied by peers making jokes about it.
OPTION 1
"The barrage of @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@ jokes is relentless, there's no name with more stigma!" weeps @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@ @@randomsurname@@, accompanied by her furious middle-aged mother, Karen. "All we want Rainforest to do is to change the default name of the device to something non-human. Just call it Rainforest, or just make up a new name! We've asked them, and they've missed the point spectacularly by saying you can rename the device easily. The bullying won't stop unless the government forces them to make a change!"
OUTCOME:
the default wake-up name for the majority of Smart Speaker devices is "Interfering Nanny State"
OPTION 2
"A human name helps humanise the device, making it more accessible," observes Rainforest rep @@randommalename@@, the missing words 'and more profitable' floating unsaid in the air. "Clearly, bullies will find a way to bully, and we're not the cause of that. Maybe government could instead fund anti-bullying education in schools and the workplace. That's what government is for, and we're all for positive change." The words 'that doesn't hurt our bottom line' remain curiously unspoken.
OUTCOME:
the government is spending millions to tell kids to "be most excellent to each other"
OPTION 3
"The root cognitive process is that people are being subconsciously conditioned to be rude to a device named @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@," muses your window cleaner, who has just come back from a three day Amateur Psychology course, and has been speaking like Sigmund Freud ever since. "If we reframe the human-machine interaction, we could divorce that association! Simply require that Smart Speakers only respond to polite requests, with 'please' and 'thank you' in there, and rude phrases like 'shut up' being actively ignored. Soon, it will be a positive pleasure to be named @@randomfemalefirstname(1)@@!"
OUTCOME:
for some reason people keep preceding unreasonable requests with the phrase "would you kindly..."
I'm heavily biased to option 1 IRL, to the point of signing a petition*, so thoughts would be appreciated on whether the bias has infected my writing.
* https://www.change.org/p/amazon-alexa-i ... hewakename
