Of Archipelagos and Ambassadors
An international court has declared that the depopulation of the Maralids, a far-flung Albionian colonial possession converted into a naval base, was illegal and ruled that the whole archipelago be returned to the small island nation of Wuriteus. You've evaded the swarms of reporters demanding an official statement on the matter, and are now unwinding at a soiree welcoming foreign diplomats. You turn the corner straight into the flying spittle of the ambassadors of Wuriteusia and Albionia.
1. "The archipelago is our birthright," wails the scrawny Wuriteusian ambassador. "Sure, maybe no living Wuriteusian has set foot there, but our fathers and father's fathers and father's father's fathers lived in Maralids. Don't we deserve our ancestral lands?" Composing himself, he says, "We are a weak nation, and have nothing to offer you. But you know what is right in your heart. Condemn Albionian colonialism and demand that we be returned our rightful lands."
Effect: @@LEADER@@ plans to return @@NATION@@ to its indigenous single-cellular inhabitants.
2. "Nonsense," proclaims the heavy-set Albionian ambassador, easily muscling past the Wuriteusian ambassador. "Why, we might as well give the land back to the Neanderthals then! Their father's father's fathers are dead and gone, and their grasping great-grandsons have as much right to the land as you and me. Besides, this would be a big blow to territorial integrity. If you don't come out hard against this naked land-grab, you'll embolden your own troublemakers." He leans in, murmuring, "Of course, we would show our gratitude. A crate of aged Albionian ale, perhaps?" Proffering a glass, he says, "Have a taste."
Effect: A little ale goes a long way.
3. "Your cognac, sir," sneers your aide, steering you firmly away. "If we come out against the Wuriteusians, we'll look heartless. Still, we can't afford to damage our relationship with the Albionians. We have to walk an inoffensive middle road. I've got a draft statement prepared already." He hands you a slip of paper: "I want to express my most sincere, absolutely heartfelt concern about this grave situation. I extend my completely genuine sympathy to both sides and would simply be struck dumb with uncontrollable delight if a peaceful resolution was reached."
Effect: @@LEADER@@'s idea of an international intervention is mobilizing the entire population to send thoughts and prayers.
4. Your great-great-uncle gently ashes his cigar and carefully adjusts his monocle. "Ah, the folly of the modern world! It is the great truth of nature that some races were made to rule, and others to be ruled. The Wuriteusians were simply not made to rule themselves. And now, they have the sheer audacity, the impertinence, the arrogance, the..." He trails off, staring into the distance. A few moments later, he slams his fist into his palm. "They need a firm hand to put them in their place. Let's take over Wuriteusia and rule it with an iron fist. Long live the @@TYPE@@! All for the good of the Wuriteusians, of course."
Effect: The sun sets a little less on the @@DENONONYMADJECTIVE@@ empire.
Will try and submit to issue contest if I can get enough feedback to improve it in time.
