Title: Free Joy Statistics
The Issue: While playing a game of Cards Against Nations, where certain statistics on the cards of various nations are matched against those of other nations, your Minister of Statistics, Kennimin Valentine, learned some trivia - that the citizens of @@NAME@@ are among the most content in @@REGION@@! Hoping to win at more card games - and increase worker morale - your minister has created a general assembly of ministers, councilors, and security (for good measure) to see if more could be done.
Validity: High authoritarianism; Top 60%ish? Cheerfulness
Option 1: "@@LEADER@@! Do you know what this means?" squeals your authoritarian and mildly corrupt Minister of Propaganda, visibly bobbing with rather unprofessional glee. "Your iron fist of justice has paid off! Your firm social policies have kept this nation clear away from the hopelessness associated with anarchies like Kawandaland or the United Federation. We'll use this fact to our advantage; I'll arrange for a large public celebration announcing this trend. When we get to legislating new laws and further policing, everyone will love you, our benevolent leader, for knowing what's best!"
[effect] perpetually smiling government officials remind everyone there is no sadness in @@NAME@@
Option 2: "Wait a minute there, buckeroo; correlation does not equal causation," reminds your domineering and tyrannical Minister of Health, taking @@HIS@@ usual conservative stance on the subject. "If you look carefully, many libertarian and freer-market capitalist nations are also happy. It's far more likely our success is from our hardworking, sleek and efficient health care and education systems. We should really put more funding into those ventures and related college programs."
[effect] the most lucrative job market is finding out what's wrong with people
Option 3: "C'mon @@LEADER@@, get with the times," says your compulsively moralistic and noticeably unhappy Chief Financial Advisor. "Life isn't about living in some happy paradise, it's about doing what's right: and that means back-breaking labor! We aren't running some freaky sci-fi lovefest or something. Round up all of those mindless goof-offs who spend all their time in some liberal bordello, and start making them work real jobs - or risk being thrown behind bars!"
[effect] those who enjoy their jobs are told they're not working hard enough
Option 4: "Don't look so glum, @@LEADER@@!" you jolt at the horrific sight of Mr. Squee, an offensive and definitely psychotic clown who showed up at one of your birthday parties. "Turn that frown upside-down! Throw a happy face on everyone, and they'll naturally feel so much better! Execute all of the gloomy gusses consuming our nation's joy, and we'll be the utopia of beaming sunshine!" He cackles madly, juggling bowling pins while unicycling out your office window.
[effect] many are unhappy about the risks associated with being unhappy
Option 5: "Wye helaw deer, @@LEADER@@!" lyrically cheers dust-covered goth electrician and part-time road carcass remover Ramsi Ballo-Poga. "We need not be put in a zugzwang position. We should be responsible and instead monitor and archive da behavior of da niiiiice, kaaand and joyous peoples of @@NAME@@, even in der sleep! I do dat wid my pet marsupials! They go raur and fuf~ Maybe we can produce, ah, maure cameras and all d' more sensors that we can densely smedge into clothing and grocery baggies. Occorse, I can kindly len' you a second hand. When we're done, we'll make all da nation of @@NAME@@ into a no-grim haven!"
[effect] scientists regularly observe what makes @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ tick
That said niceness/compassion could be a role too, not sure.
