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[DRAFT] @@Leader@@ to have the best of both worlds?

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Chimes
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[DRAFT] @@Leader@@ to have the best of both worlds?

Postby Chimes » Fri Jan 22, 2021 5:54 am

This is an idea I've been thinking about for a while, it's loosely based on the 'Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus' series and the idea of someone having two distinct characters on/off the screen. Needs a lot of work and I'm thinking of adding a third option to offer a 'middle of the road perspective'. All feedback is very much appreciated!

Validity: high culture / high information tech

Current Draft

In a high-profile news story of teen music star ‘Hayley Tyrus’ living a double life as a regular student coupled with being a platinum selling music star - your advisors have come to your desk with their own thoughts of how to deal with these ‘teen sensations’ after seeing a sharp rise in the amount of absences in schools.

[option]”THIS PERSON IS A DANGER TO SOCIETY!” blasts your Chief of Education @@RANDOMNAME@@, while furiously scribbling notes on a clipboard. “Youth like these will never be able to get a good education if they are busy brandishing themselves all over in music videos and singing nonsensical lyrics! They should be banned from participating in this industry until they are older!”
[effect]music charts tend to consist purely of songs released before @@LEADER@@ was born

[option]”Don’t let them throw shade on me!” you look up as the star in question Hayley Tyrus ‘AKA Dara Fontana’ strolls in flanked by a number of bodyguards and paparazzi. “School is fun and all, but you know what would be like TOTALLY AMAZING? Imagine it @@LEADER@@ if you could be a star like me? It would be like, so woke! Maybe you could like be in my squad in my new series, that would be like the GOAT!
[effect]it’s not uncommon to see @@LEADER@@ starring in teen music videos

[option]”You aren’t seriously considering going in front of the nation singing with these hooligans are you?” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, while flicking between tv channels. “I was famous when I was younger, you know? It never ends well. These kids should be made to do something useless with their time like, uh, join the military!”
[effect]makeup and microphones are being swapped for camouflage and rifles[effect]

@@Leader@@ to have the best of both worlds?

In a high-profile news story of a student living a double life as a regular student coupled with being some of your advisors have come to your desk with their own thoughts of how to deal with these so called 'teen idols'.

[option]”THIS PERSON IS A DANGER TO SOCIETY!” blasts your chief of education @@RANDOMNAME@@, while furiously scribbling notes on a clipboard. “Youth like these will never be able to get a good education if they are busy brandishing themselves all over in movies! They should be banned from participating in this industry until they are older!”
[effect]TV Dramas feature a lack of families as most children’s roles are written out.[effect]

[option]”Don’t you wanna hear what I think?” you look up as the star in question Hayley Tyrus ‘AKA Dara Fontana’ strolls in flanked by a number of bodyguards and paparazzi. “School is fun and all, but we all want a little excitement don’t we? Imagine it @@LEADER@@ if you could be a star like me? Maybe we could co-star in my new series..”
[effect]It’s not uncommon to see @@LEADER@@ starring in teen television shows.[effect]
Last edited by Chimes on Sun Jan 24, 2021 6:02 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Lelscrep
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Postby Lelscrep » Fri Jan 22, 2021 6:21 am

Solid first draft. :) Some things:
- Effect lines should not begin with capitalization (unless a proper noun) or end with a period.
- Ellipsis should generally be three periods, not two.
- Maybe add some commas or something to the description, it's a bit of a run-on sentence right now.

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Valentine Z
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Postby Valentine Z » Fri Jan 22, 2021 6:24 am

Ahh, so yes, a third option would be nice! Still, in general, this is a very interesting premise and I quite like it so far. I think no one has done this just yet, so yeah!

On the more technical notes, do pardon the nitpick, the effect lines don't have a full-stop and their first words are not capitalised (except the TV bit). So there was that! For example:
[effect] it’s not uncommon to see @@LEADER@@ starring in teen television shows

You don't have to do the [effect][/effect] like BBCode. You can just put [effect] in front and that's cool. :3

-----

As for the issue itself, it's good, but I was wondering if this could be expanded a bit more than just the teen idol bit. Yes, the concept and existence of teen idols can be a bit of a concern with the development of a teen throughout their lives (the life of a celebrity as a teen can be a little tiring), but I think this could be branched out to adults moonlighting and doing double jobs. Like maybe a military personnel caught moonlighting in his uniform, out of all things, perhaps. Though of course, this is just a suggestion from me! ^^

That, or expand a bit on the teen idol bit, where you can talk about students either having to play truant as they lead a double life, or poor school performance, or both.

I think there is a bit of a mistake in the Issue line. Instead of "In a high-profile news story of a student living a double life as a regular student", I think you mean "In a high-profile news story of a teen idol [Name here] living a double life as a regular student," which then you can come up with a name that sounds like Miley Cyrus.

That is all for me for now. This is an interesting premise, and it can definitely be worked for improvement! If there is one thing I have gotten feedback myself, is to make the issue so that it will have to be a big deal for your Leader to handle. ♥
Last edited by Valentine Z on Fri Jan 22, 2021 6:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Fri Jan 22, 2021 12:32 pm

What a fun idea! Just a few things I'd like to comment on.

For the second option, is there a way we could make Hayley Tyrus sound more teenage-ry? Maybe add in some slang or put the word "like" in way too many times. Just something so she sounds different. A rough idea (changes are bolded):
[option]”Dontcha you wanna hear what I think?” you look up as the star in question Hayley Tyrus ‘AKA Dara Fontana’ strolls in flanked by a number of bodyguards and paparazzi. “School is cool and all, but, like, we all want a little excitement, you feel me? Imagine it @@LEADER@@, wouldn't it be, like, totally awesome if you could be a star like me? OMG, we could co-star in my new series..”


I also think a third option would be fun. The first thing that comes to mind is if Leader's Minister of Defense, or War, or something like that, insists that they use her ability to disguise herself and live a double life for espionage or something like that. Maybe you could also poke fun of the original show and how Miley's only disguise was a blonde wig in the option.

Also tiny nitpick: in option one:
blasts your chief of education @@RANDOMNAME@@,

Chief of Education should be capitalized since its a title.

I love the idea for this and wish you the best of luck!
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Terrabod
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Postby Terrabod » Fri Jan 22, 2021 1:06 pm

Chimes wrote:Hayley Tyrus ‘AKA Dara Fontana’

I think Tyrus' alter ego should be like more like Mona Arizona or Claire Delaware or Sarah-Jane Maine or Diana Louisiana or...

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Fauxia
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Postby Fauxia » Fri Jan 22, 2021 4:09 pm

Hey Jamie! Good start, fun premise.

Not sure what you had in mind for a third option, but those are fun in some of the more silly (I don’t mean that as an insult, I love those. Just less conventional political activities) issues. I was thinking maybe it could be an issue where they say "fund opportunities for students to express themselves artistically" or something.

Also, this bears some similarity to issue #822. There’s enough distinction to warrant an issue here, I think, but perhaps shift the focus less to movies and more to music.

I’ll definitely be watching this. Expect me to get more nitpicky as the draft progresses.
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Chimes
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Postby Chimes » Sun Jan 24, 2021 6:05 am

2nd draft up!

Lelscrep, Sam - thanks for your feedback! I've made a slight few changes to grammar and formatting per your suggestions, expanded in my premise for the issue too.

Wischland wrote:What a fun idea! Just a few things I'd like to comment on.

For the second option, is there a way we could make Hayley Tyrus sound more teenage-ry? Maybe add in some slang or put the word "like" in way too many times. Just something so she sounds different. A rough idea (changes are bolded):
[option]”Dontcha you wanna hear what I think?” you look up as the star in question Hayley Tyrus ‘AKA Dara Fontana’ strolls in flanked by a number of bodyguards and paparazzi. “School is cool and all, but, like, we all want a little excitement, you feel me? Imagine it @@LEADER@@, wouldn't it be, like, totally awesome if you could be a star like me? OMG, we could co-star in my new series..”


I also think a third option would be fun. The first thing that comes to mind is if Leader's Minister of Defense, or War, or something like that, insists that they use her ability to disguise herself and live a double life for espionage or something like that. Maybe you could also poke fun of the original show and how Miley's only disguise was a blonde wig in the option.

Also tiny nitpick: in option one:
blasts your chief of education @@RANDOMNAME@@,

Chief of Education should be capitalized since its a title.

I love the idea for this and wish you the best of luck!

Made a few changes to the 2nd option as per your suggestions, I may change more depending on the route I take the issue - added some text talk for comedic value too. I have added a 3rd option - took it from a perspective that the 'kids' should be doing something competly different to music or school. I corrected both the grammar errors.

Fauxia wrote:Hey Jamie! Good start, fun premise.

Not sure what you had in mind for a third option, but those are fun in some of the more silly (I don’t mean that as an insult, I love those. Just less conventional political activities) issues. I was thinking maybe it could be an issue where they say "fund opportunities for students to express themselves artistically" or something.

Also, this bears some similarity to issue #822. There’s enough distinction to warrant an issue here, I think, but perhaps shift the focus less to movies and more to music.

I’ll definitely be watching this. Expect me to get more nitpicky as the draft progresses.


Added a third option, but i'm unsure of whether military would be the right 'silly' suggestion. Expanded on the premise, and as per your suggestion shifted the focus towards music and amended the existing options somewhat.
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jan 29, 2021 7:46 pm

I get the Hannah Montana reference, but why is this guy different to any other teen celebrity? Also, why wasn't this a problem before he revealed his double life?
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