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[SCRAPPED] Baptism of Liars

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Dokansia
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 17
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Father Knows Best State

[SCRAPPED] Baptism of Liars

Postby Dokansia » Fri Dec 25, 2020 3:47 pm

G'day got issues community! This is my first attempt at writing an Issue, so feedback and advice would be much appreciated!

Validity: Nation must not have atheism policy.

Title: Baptism of Liars

A large group of fake priests belonging to the most popular religion in @@NAME@@ appeared from far off lands claiming to herald the coming of the end times, insisting that true believers entrust their money to them to be converted into HEAVENBUX for use in the afterlife. After receiving millions, the scammers disappeared to whence they came, leaving a good portion of the ultra religious population penniless and furious. As a result, members of various political and religious groups have rushed into your office to determine how to deal with the long-gone scammers.


Option 1: "These sacrilegious scammers have bamboozled us all!" splutters Bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ as he waddles into your office, struggling to hold his huge diamond encrusted holy book. "We must increase the number of preachers of our grand religion all across @@NAME@@! These blasphemers were in every city, every town! So, in order to drown them out we must have a preacher on every street corner. You can trust us, of course, as we would never dare be so deceptive and treacherous to the public." Leaning over to you he quietly adds, "While we’re at it, can we see to stifling some corruption accusations? In exchange for a special blessing, naturally."

Outcome: preachers outnumber cars on city streets two to one


Option 2: "Leader, don’t stoop to the level of these religious fools," barks @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, head of the Anti-Theist Organisation of @@NAME@@ and considered by her peers and underlings to be one of the most uptight people in the country. "Their endless campaign of brainwashing people to the point of gullibility is the main reason many are now destitute! However, if my organisation received proper government funding, we would launch a vast propagan- ah, education program to instruct the people on the values of shunning religion. Thusly, the scammers would have no base on which to fool anyone with." Checking her immaculately ordered schedule and licking her paper-thin lips, she adds, "My daughter's violin lesson is in three hours; therefore, I expect your co-operation within the next 2-5 minutes"

Outcome: saying "OMG" is valid ground for ostracization


Option 3: "What about us? We are the actual victims here!" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the scammed religious citizens who seems to have roused a livid crowd of fellow believers outside your office. "We have been humiliated and impoverished by these fiends and this cannot stand unanswered! The religious community calls for a righteous crusade of vengeance against all hoaxers in @@NAME@@!" Dodging an accidentally swung pitchfork, @@HE@@ finishes with, "For honor, glory, and most importantly, our money back!"

Outcome: religious disciples sworn to peace have been seen roaming the streets with bloody baseball bats


Option 4: "Instead of endorsing the act of causing suffering to others, why doesn’t the government actually focus on helping those in need?" proposes @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of 'Hugs N Love', one of the biggest charities in @@NAME@@. "A dip into the national treasury to compensate the affected would help them get back on their feet, assuage their anger and teach them that they should give their funds to more worthwhile things." Turning to the others in the room, @@HE@@ says, "Now then, lets all hug it out!"

Outcome: the government fully reimburses those who 'accidentally misplace' their car

Outcome: the government fully reimburses those who 'accidentally misplace' their car[/quote]
Last edited by Dokansia on Mon Jan 04, 2021 2:19 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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Koniglich Wasserstein
Secretary
 
Posts: 36
Founded: Sep 29, 2020
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Koniglich Wasserstein » Mon Dec 28, 2020 7:03 am

Hi there! Your outcome lines need to begin with a lowercase letter (unless it's a proper noun) and end without a full stop.
Dokansia wrote:
Outcome: The Government fully reimburses those who ‘Accidentally Misplace’ their car.

Accidentally misplace also should be lowercase.
Finally, on your second outcome line, it should be 'are valid grounds' instead of 'is valid grounds'.
I am only drafting my first issue myself so i don't really want to say anything more in case I get it wrong - apart from that it looks good to me, but take that with a pinch of salt.
Last edited by Koniglich Wasserstein on Mon Dec 28, 2020 7:08 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Dokansia
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 17
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Father Knows Best State

Postby Dokansia » Mon Dec 28, 2020 1:53 pm

Koniglich Wasserstein wrote:Hi there! Your outcome lines need to begin with a lowercase letter (unless it's a proper noun) and end without a full stop.
Dokansia wrote:

Accidentally misplace also should be lowercase.
Finally, on your second outcome line, it should be 'are valid grounds' instead of 'is valid grounds'.
I am only drafting my first issue myself so i don't really want to say anything more in case I get it wrong - apart from that it looks good to me, but take that with a pinch of salt.

Thank you very much! Fixed.

User avatar
Terrabod
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 170
Founded: Jan 10, 2018
Corrupt Dictatorship

Postby Terrabod » Mon Dec 28, 2020 5:12 pm

Hello, hello, welcome to Got Issues. Here are some changes that need to be made regarding spelling and grammar. It's pretty quiet on the forum at the moment so I hope these changes will keep you occupied until the more senior folk take a look at this.

Dokansia wrote:Title: Baptism of Liars.

A large group of fake priests suddenly appeared from far off lands claiming to herald the coming of the end times, insisting that true believers of @@NAME@@ entrust their money to them to be converted into HEAVENBUX for use in the afterlife. After receiving billions, the scammers disappeared to whence they came, leaving most of the religious population penniless and furious. As a result, members of various political and religious groups have rushed into your office to determine how to deal with the long-gone scammers.


Option 1: “These sacrilegious scammers have bamboozled us all!” splutters Bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ as he waddles into your office, struggling to hold his huge diamond encrusted holy book. “We must increase the number of preachers of our grand religion all across @@NAME@@! These blasphemers were in every city, every town! So, in order to drown them out we must have a preacher on every street corner. You can trust us, of course, as we would never dare be so deceptive and treacherous to the public." Leaning over to you he quietly adds, “While we’re at it, can we see to stifling some corruption accusations? In exchange for a special blessing, naturally.”

Outcome: preachers outnumber cars on the city streets two to one


Option 2: “Leader, don’t stoop to the level of these religious fools,” barks @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, head of the Anti-Theist Organisation of @@NAME@@ and considered by her peers and underlings to be one of the most uptight people in the country. “Their endless campaign of brainwashing people to the point of gullibility is the main reason so many are now destitute! However, if my organisation received proper government funding, we would launch a vast propagan- ah, education program to instruct the people on the values of shunning religion. Thusly, the scammers would have no base on which to fool anyone with.” Checking her immaculately ordered schedule and licking her paper-thin lips, she adds, “My daughter's violin lesson is in three hours; therefore, I expect your co-operation within the next 2-5 minutes”

Outcome: saying “OMG” is valid grounds for ostracization


Option 3: “What about us? We are the actual victims here!” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the scammed religious citizens who seems to have roused a livid crowd of fellow believers outside your office. “We have been humiliated and impoverished by these fiends and this cannot stand unanswered! The religious community calls for a righteous crusade of vengeance against all hoaxers in @@NAME@@!” Dodging an accidentally swung pitchfork, @@HE@@ finishes with, “For Honor, Glory, and most importantly, our money back!” NOTE: not sure about the capitalisation of "Honor" and "Glory" here...

Outcome: religious disciples sworn to peace have been seen roaming the streets with bloody baseball bats


Option 4: “Instead of endorsing the act of causing suffering to others, why doesn’t the government actually focus on helping those in need?” proposes @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of ‘Hugs N Love’, one of the biggest charities in @@NAME@@. “A dip into the national treasury to compensate the affected would help them get back on their feet, assuage their anger, and teach them that they should give their funds to more worthwhile things." Turning to the others in the room, @@HE@@ says, “Now then, lets all hug it out!”

Outcome: the government fully reimburses those who "accidentally misplace" their car

That's is all I can see so far.

The other major thing here is that you use curved inverted commas “ instead of straight inverted commas " and curved apostrophes ‘ instead of straight apostrophes ' which the issue submission form cannot handle. You need to go back through your draft, delete all curved inverted commas and curved apostrophes then add in straight ones (which should be automatic when typing inverted commas and apostrophes in your post).
- P L E A S ES T A N DB Y -
---------------------

User avatar
Dokansia
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 17
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Father Knows Best State

Postby Dokansia » Mon Dec 28, 2020 10:21 pm

Terrabod wrote:Hello, hello, welcome to Got Issues. Here are some changes that need to be made regarding spelling and grammar. It's pretty quiet on the forum at the moment so I hope these changes will keep you occupied until the more senior folk take a look at this.

Dokansia wrote:Title: Baptism of Liars.

A large group of fake priests suddenly appeared from far off lands claiming to herald the coming of the end times, insisting that true believers of @@NAME@@ entrust their money to them to be converted into HEAVENBUX for use in the afterlife. After receiving billions, the scammers disappeared to whence they came, leaving most of the religious population penniless and furious. As a result, members of various political and religious groups have rushed into your office to determine how to deal with the long-gone scammers.


Option 1: “These sacrilegious scammers have bamboozled us all!” splutters Bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ as he waddles into your office, struggling to hold his huge diamond encrusted holy book. “We must increase the number of preachers of our grand religion all across @@NAME@@! These blasphemers were in every city, every town! So, in order to drown them out we must have a preacher on every street corner. You can trust us, of course, as we would never dare be so deceptive and treacherous to the public." Leaning over to you he quietly adds, “While we’re at it, can we see to stifling some corruption accusations? In exchange for a special blessing, naturally.”

Outcome: preachers outnumber cars on the city streets two to one


Option 2: “Leader, don’t stoop to the level of these religious fools,” barks @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, head of the Anti-Theist Organisation of @@NAME@@ and considered by her peers and underlings to be one of the most uptight people in the country. “Their endless campaign of brainwashing people to the point of gullibility is the main reason so many are now destitute! However, if my organisation received proper government funding, we would launch a vast propagan- ah, education program to instruct the people on the values of shunning religion. Thusly, the scammers would have no base on which to fool anyone with.” Checking her immaculately ordered schedule and licking her paper-thin lips, she adds, “My daughter's violin lesson is in three hours; therefore, I expect your co-operation within the next 2-5 minutes”

Outcome: saying “OMG” is valid grounds for ostracization


Option 3: “What about us? We are the actual victims here!” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the scammed religious citizens who seems to have roused a livid crowd of fellow believers outside your office. “We have been humiliated and impoverished by these fiends and this cannot stand unanswered! The religious community calls for a righteous crusade of vengeance against all hoaxers in @@NAME@@!” Dodging an accidentally swung pitchfork, @@HE@@ finishes with, “For Honor, Glory, and most importantly, our money back!” NOTE: not sure about the capitalisation of "Honor" and "Glory" here...

Outcome: religious disciples sworn to peace have been seen roaming the streets with bloody baseball bats


Option 4: “Instead of endorsing the act of causing suffering to others, why doesn’t the government actually focus on helping those in need?” proposes @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of ‘Hugs N Love’, one of the biggest charities in @@NAME@@. “A dip into the national treasury to compensate the affected would help them get back on their feet, assuage their anger, and teach them that they should give their funds to more worthwhile things." Turning to the others in the room, @@HE@@ says, “Now then, lets all hug it out!”

Outcome: the government fully reimburses those who "accidentally misplace" their car

That's is all I can see so far.

The other major thing here is that you use curved inverted commas “ instead of straight inverted commas " and curved apostrophes ‘ instead of straight apostrophes ' which the issue submission form cannot handle. You need to go back through your draft, delete all curved inverted commas and curved apostrophes then add in straight ones (which should be automatic when typing inverted commas and apostrophes in your post).

Fixed! And thank you very much!

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USS Monitor
Retired Moderator
 
Posts: 29434
Founded: Jul 01, 2015
19th Century Iron Steamship

Postby USS Monitor » Thu Dec 31, 2020 12:13 am

People using religion to scam people is very believable, and there are RL preachers who do this. However, I'm having a hard time taking it seriously the way it's presented in this draft. It's common for these scams to bring in millions IRL, but it's not normal to bring in billions, and it's not normal for "most of the religious population" to fall for the same scam.

I'm not religious myself and I'm usually not too sensitive about making fun of religious people, but I still feel like this makes religious people look too dumb. It doesn't seem realistic that most of the religious population got suckered into giving their life savings to these scammers. Some religious people are just smarter than that, some religious people are very loyal to their particular church or temple, or they put their trust in a particular clergy person, and "religious people" actually covers a wide variety of beliefs so they don't all agree very often. For example, a preacher who appealed to Evangelical Christians might not appeal as much to Catholics or Jews.

It just needs more nuance and realism.
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Dokansia
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 17
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Father Knows Best State

Postby Dokansia » Thu Dec 31, 2020 5:39 pm

USS Monitor wrote:People using religion to scam people is very believable, and there are RL preachers who do this. However, I'm having a hard time taking it seriously the way it's presented in this draft. It's common for these scams to bring in millions IRL, but it's not normal to bring in billions, and it's not normal for "most of the religious population" to fall for the same scam.

I'm not religious myself and I'm usually not too sensitive about making fun of religious people, but I still feel like this makes religious people look too dumb. It doesn't seem realistic that most of the religious population got suckered into giving their life savings to these scammers. Some religious people are just smarter than that, some religious people are very loyal to their particular church or temple, or they put their trust in a particular clergy person, and "religious people" actually covers a wide variety of beliefs so they don't all agree very often. For example, a preacher who appealed to Evangelical Christians might not appeal as much to Catholics or Jews.

It just needs more nuance and realism.

Thank you very much for your feedback! I have altered the issue so they scammers only receive millions, and the fooled individuals are a portion of the Ultra religious from the most popular faith in the country. Did I not correct it as well as I should've? Also, is there anything else I should change with the issue?

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Baggieland
Minister
 
Posts: 3450
Founded: May 27, 2013
Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby Baggieland » Sun Jan 03, 2021 11:59 pm

I would check out issue 924. Although your draft does approach the subject in a different way, the basic premise seems very similar.

User avatar
Lodgia
Political Columnist
 
Posts: 2
Founded: Dec 19, 2020
New York Times Democracy

Postby Lodgia » Mon Jan 04, 2021 2:44 am

I think that it’s different enough from 924, but that’s just me

User avatar
Dokansia
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 17
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Father Knows Best State

Postby Dokansia » Mon Jan 04, 2021 2:18 pm

Baggieland wrote:I would check out issue 924. Although your draft does approach the subject in a different way, the basic premise seems very similar.

Ooop, Thanks for the heads up, I'm scrapping it.

User avatar
Terrabod
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 170
Founded: Jan 10, 2018
Corrupt Dictatorship

Postby Terrabod » Mon Jan 04, 2021 5:09 pm

Dokansia wrote:Ooop, Thanks for the heads up, I'm scrapping it.

You win some, you lose some... but for what it's worth, this was a really good first attempt at issue-writing. I look forward to seeing what you come up with next! Remember that if you post your issue idea in The Writers' Block before you start drafting someone might be able to tell you if it's too similar to an existing issue. That isn't mandatory, but you might find it useful in the future.
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