[DRAFT] Going Ballistic
Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2020 3:17 pm
Fire another one! Feedback appreciated. I thought it made sense to split this into 2 issues: a capitalist and a communist version. Some questions:
- Is option 4 superfluous?
- Does it make sense to have this as 2 issues?
- Does option 3 make sense in each version?
Going Ballistic - Capitalist
Validity: WMDs and private industry.
Description
In an effort to thaw chilly relations, cool down hot tempers, and avert an unintentional nuclear winter due to miscommunication, East Lebatuckese leadership has arranged a rare state visit to @@NAME@@ to discuss creating a direct emergency communications link between the two nations' leaders.
Option 1
"Please forgive the Premier. He recently assumed the position due to natural causes," says an ambitious-looking young thing while gesturing at a drooling old man in a wheelchair. "East Lebatuck does not usually negotiate with capitalist swine, but we can all agree that avoiding mutual destruction is in our collective interest, yes? We propose a direct, secure hotline between the Kremil and a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ facility of your choosing. Think on it, comrade."
Effect: cleaning staff in @@LEADER@@‘s office have a hard time resisting the urge to prank call East Lebatuckese military command
Option 2
"C'mon, I know you're smarter than this," scoffs defense industry CEO Ray Feon after frantically checking his stock portfolio. "You know we can't negotiate with the reds. They're opposed to everything we stand for. Freedom! Liberty! Shareholder value! Mark my words, those godless commies are going to stab us in the back. Now, I've got some new Vought Cutlasses fresh off the assembly line that I know you're just gonna love to see."
Effect: borscht has been renamed "freedom soup" in all government cafeterias
Option 3
"@@LEADER@@, can't you see what a great opportunity this is?" pleads advisor and hobbyist doormat manufacturer @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The East Lebatuckese are clearly willing to work with us. We should seize the moment, and work towards a gradual nuclear disarmament treaty with them. You'd be hailed as one of the greatest leaders of your generation, I'm sure of it!"
Effect: @@LEADER@@ would rather consort with sworn enemies than proven allies
Option 4
"Hey! Don't we deserve a seat at the table?" asks a diminutive ambassador from a small allied nation, who you forgot was in the room with you. "Frankly, it's rather insulting that you would entertain this hotline with East Lebatuck before your own allies. A secure nuclear communications network between allied states would go a long way towards ensuring our mutual security. That's what you should be prioritizing."
Effect: the new "nuclear intranet" is primarily used as a dating service for high-level diplomats
Going Ballistic - Communist
Validity: WMDs and socialism.
Description
In an effort to thaw chilly relations, cool down hot tempers, and avert an unintentional nuclear winter due to miscommunication, United Federation leadership has arranged a rare state visit to @@NAME@@ to discuss creating a direct emergency communications link between the two nations' leaders.
Option 1
"Now, I don’t usually negotiate with reds," says United Federation President Joseph Finnedy in between mouthfuls of apple pie. "But I think both our nations could stand to benefit from this arrangement. What I'm proposing is a secure direct hotline between the Pentagram and a facility of your choosing. That way, we won’t have to worry about starting a nuclear war over silly misunderstandings. Sound good?"
Effect: cleaning staff in @@LEADER@@'s office have a hard time resisting the urge to prank call United Federation military command
Option 2
"Since when do we consort with capitalist dogs?" barks Party powerbroker @@RANDOMNAME@@, tossing you an enormous red flag. "If we go through with this, the people would riot. The Party Congress would never approve. For both our sakes, you can't go forward with this. Besides, capitalists and treachery go together like borscht and beets."
Effect: @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ schoolchildren have nightmares of wealthy businessmen plunging deeply into the motherland's tender nether regions
Option 3
"This is exactly the kind of breakthrough we need, comrade!" exclaims Foreign Minister Ivan "Crazy Ivan" Ivanovich, whom your advisors keep urging you to toss in a reeducation camp. "Our nuclear arsenal may be the pride of @@NAME@@, but it's also a recipe for global annihilation. We need to take this opportunity and push for a gradual disarmament treaty with the United Federation."
Effect: @@LEADER@@ would rather consort with sworn enemies than proven allies
Option 4
"Hey! Don't we deserve a seat at the table?" asks a diminutive ambassador from a small socialist bloc member, who you forgot was in the room with you. "Frankly, it's rather insulting that you would entertain this hotline with the United Federation before your own allies. A secure nuclear communications network between fellow socialist states would go a long way towards ensuring our mutual security. That's what you should be prioritizing."
Effect: the new "nuclear intranet" is primarily used as a dating service for high-level diplomats