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[DRAFT] Newspaper Interest Blowing Up

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Fauxia
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Founded: Dec 22, 2016
Left-Leaning College State

[DRAFT] Newspaper Interest Blowing Up

Postby Fauxia » Fri Dec 18, 2020 9:45 pm

Well, I thought I may as well put another draft up. I assume the source is pretty clear: it’s the Unabomber.

[description] Just when you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. You're more than used to the profanity-laden death threats by now, but this turns out to be from the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the author of the piece, which advocates overthrowing your government, is the terrorist known as "the Unibrow", who has promised to cease his violent agenda of bombings, decapitations, and ordering pineapple on pizza upon the publication of his manifesto.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" a voice calls. The editor of The Times, who apparently lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in the last week, bursts in the door. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here!" @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists regularly receive prizes for their work on terrorism

[option] "We can work this out," your Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who speaks on behalf of both ministers: "We can't negotiate with terrorists. But if we tell the enemy we'll publish the revolutionary bilge to get the manuscript, we can have the nerds run their tests. The linguinists will match it up to some kook anarchist who my forces can take out. Probably."
[fallout] detectives scour Max Barry novels to determine whether he could be a domestic terrorist

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It initially reads as gibberish, which gives away that it is from the Minister of Intelligence. Read backwards, without all the extra 'q's, it says: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the phrase "former agent" is crossed out in that sentence. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board


[description] Just as you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. Surprise! It isn't a would-be assassin (probably), it's the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is purportedly written by the terrorist known as "the Unibrow", who has promised to cease their violent agenda of bombings, decapitations, and ordering pineapple on pizza upon the essay's publication.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" a voice calls. The editor of The Times, who apparently lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in the last week, bursts in the door. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here." @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] foreign leaders let @@DEMONYM@@ journalists cover terrorist activities in the hopes they will take each other out

[option] "We can work this out," your Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who finishes the thought: "We can't negotiate with terrorists. But if we tell the enemy we'll publish the revolutionary bilge to get the manuscript, we can have the nerds run their tests. The linguinists will match it up to some kook anarchist who my forces can take out. Probably."
[fallout] detectives scour Max Barry novels to determine whether he could be a domestic terrorist

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the words "former agent" crossed out. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board


[description] Just as you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. Surprise! It isn't a would-be assassin (probably), it's the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is written by the domestic terrorist known as the Unibrow, who has promised to cease his activities upon its publication.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" calls the editor, who lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in an "accident" recently. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here." @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who become journalists are immediately banned from entering foreign countries

[option] "We don’t negotiate with terrorists!" exclaims your Minister of Law Enforcement after tasing your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "But let’s tell the enemy that we’ll print his essay, then get the nerds to run tests on it. Have the linguinists see if they can match the writing to someone, and my boys can take care of this idiot without having to print his revolutionary garbage. Probably."
[fallout] detectives read Max Barry novels to ensure the author is not a domestic terrorist

[option] Another cutout appears on top of the pile of the editor's message and the endless death threats. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with our" ("former agent" is crossed out) "terrorist? We should investigate the media and see what they know!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to make newspaper cutouts and connect them with random lines on a drawing board


[description] You receive an urgent message from the editor of the @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is asking permission to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is written by the terrorist "The Unibrow", who has promised to cease his activities upon its publication.

[option] "This is a tremendous opportunity for my paper - I mean, to protect the people," says the editor of the Times, who apparently has lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows since you last saw @@HIM(1)@@. "The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people... or dozens... at least two, anyway. We can end that threat now if you just let us print this."
[fallout] newspapers sponsor "terrorists anonymous" meetings

[option] "We don’t negotiate with terrorists!" exclaims your Minister of Law Enforcement after tasing your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "But let’s tell the enemy that we’ll print his essay, then get the nerds to run tests on it. Have the linguinists see if they can match the writing to someone, and the police can take care of him with minimal mess."
[fallout] the best defense is a good offense of mentally unstable terrorists

[option] A letter arrives at your desk, which seems to be random newspaper cutouts. You realize it is simply backwards with an extra "q" in the middle of every word. Decoded, it reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with our" ("former agent" is crossed out) "terrorist? We should investigate the media and see what they know!"
[fallout] government investigations are focused on newspaper cutouts and lines on a drawing board
Last edited by Fauxia on Mon Apr 05, 2021 2:21 pm, edited 7 times in total.
Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.
Sandaoguo wrote:GP is a den of cynics and nihilists

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Candensia
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Founded: Apr 20, 2017
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Candensia » Sat Dec 19, 2020 9:44 am

The second option seems a bit too dissonant to me.

"We don't negotiate with terrorists —> But let's tell the enemy that we'll publish his essay."

I gather that the point of the option is to stall for time while law enforcement attempts to identify the suspect. I think you can refine that message a bit.
The Free Joy State wrote:Time spent working on writing skills -- even if the draft doesn't work -- is never wasted.

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Trotterdam
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Founded: Jan 12, 2012
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Trotterdam » Sat Dec 19, 2020 12:23 pm

The irony is that I wouldn't think twice about allowing publishing the guy's essay if he hadn't bombed a bunch of people first.

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Fauxia
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Founded: Dec 22, 2016
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Fauxia » Mon Jan 11, 2021 7:27 pm

Can, I hope I addressed your concern.

I realize the construction of some of the options is a little unusual, but I think it works. Let me know your thoughts, though.
Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.
Sandaoguo wrote:GP is a den of cynics and nihilists

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Fauxia
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Founded: Dec 22, 2016
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Fauxia » Tue Jan 19, 2021 8:18 pm

Well, no one responded, but I made draft three anyway. I added a couple of funny lines, I hope, and also made Option 3 slightly less stupid sounding.
Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.
Sandaoguo wrote:GP is a den of cynics and nihilists

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Australian rePublic
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Posts: 21810
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jan 29, 2021 8:10 pm

Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?
If you're against political parties who support the CCP, then vote against the Australian Labor Party
The only reason why countries bid to host the games is for tourism. This is why countries plan to boycott the Beijing winter Olympics. By cancelling the 2020/21 Olympics, Japan is defacto recieving the same punishment as China, but Japan did nothing wrong since World War II
Until if and when the Spanish language evolves to allow for gender-neutrality to not be impossible, (which will take at least centuries), the concept of "LatinX" is completely ridiculous
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Fauxia
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Founded: Dec 22, 2016
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Fauxia » Sat Jan 30, 2021 10:33 am

Australian rePublic wrote:Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?

Because it's dangerous and in many nations there are likely to be laws against things like this that could incite violence.
Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.
Sandaoguo wrote:GP is a den of cynics and nihilists

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Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 21810
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Sat Jan 30, 2021 4:30 pm

Fauxia wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?

Because it's dangerous and in many nations there are likely to be laws against things like this that could incite violence.

Make this clearer. Even then, leader probably wouldn't handle such an issue, it'd probably be left to the hands of some media regulation department or something
If you're against political parties who support the CCP, then vote against the Australian Labor Party
The only reason why countries bid to host the games is for tourism. This is why countries plan to boycott the Beijing winter Olympics. By cancelling the 2020/21 Olympics, Japan is defacto recieving the same punishment as China, but Japan did nothing wrong since World War II
Until if and when the Spanish language evolves to allow for gender-neutrality to not be impossible, (which will take at least centuries), the concept of "LatinX" is completely ridiculous
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
18 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution List of NPC Nations
In-Character posts made by this fictious account do not reflect the actions of any real world government

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Pluvie
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Posts: 148
Founded: Apr 14, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Pluvie » Sun Jan 31, 2021 10:34 am

Fauxia wrote:[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the words "former agent" crossed out. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"

This option feels really clunky to me. The description of the letter is explained for almost half of the option and perhaps there is a joke I'm missing there but it just feels unnecessary to have that much description about the letter. I will however admit that I spent about ten minutes on this trying to find a way to give that intro a bit more flow without removing any information and I have in fact come up empty, so I apologize for that. But I do think this option could be improved :)

EDIT: Maybe something like
"It initially looks like gibberish but read in a mirror (and with the omittence of a few stray q's) it reads:
Last edited by Pluvie on Sun Jan 31, 2021 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Fauxia
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Founded: Dec 22, 2016
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Fauxia » Mon Apr 05, 2021 2:22 pm

Bumpity bump bump? Hope I fixed some concerns.
Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.
Sandaoguo wrote:GP is a den of cynics and nihilists

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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Apr 09, 2021 8:17 am

ordering pineapple on pizza

Oh no, the crime! secretly munches on pineapple pizza. Very amusing addition :)

@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people

Perhaps consider changing one of the 'people' in this sentence to something else, as it currently reads a little repetitive.

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists regularly receive prizes for their work on terrorism

I like the current form already, but I feel you could make the comedy in this bit a little bit sharper.

Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who speaks on behalf of both ministers

As silly as this bit sounds, I love it. It really made me laugh out loud xD

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It initially reads as gibberish, which gives away that it is from the Minister of Intelligence. Read backwards, without all the extra 'q's, it says: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the phrase "former agent" is crossed out in that sentence. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board

Perhaps you could add something about continued future surveillance of newspapers, but you don't have to. I feel as if it would be appropriate in this context, but that could be just me :)
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