[DRAFT] Newspaper Interest Blowing Up

[Fauxia]

Well, I thought I may as well put another draft up. I assume the source is pretty clear: it’s the Unabomber.

On top of the pile of mail on your desk is a letter made entirely of newspaper cutouts. There are fifty more of these underneath this one, no doubt the standard profanity-laced death threats, but this one is from the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is asking for you to allow @@HIM(1)@@ to publish the manifesto of "the Unibrow", the terrorist responsible for a recent slate of bombings, decapitations, and orders of pineapple on pizza. The Unibrow has promised to cease these activities upon the publication of the essay.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" calls the bushy-eyebrowed editor of The Times, bursting through the door."@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean, the people - by letting us print this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just does the right thing!" @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists are renowned for their work in terrorism

[option] "We can work this out," your Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by a punch from the Minister of Law Enforcement, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Defense, who speaks on behalf of both ministers: "We can't negotiate with terrorists. But we should strategically tell the enemy that we'll publish it so they send the contents. Then, we can have the linguinists strategically run their tests to match the writing with whatever kook anarchist wrote it. My folks can then take 'em out. Strategically. That's what I call strategery!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYM@@ intelligence agencies scour Max Barry novels to determine whether he could be a domestic terrorist

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the editor's memo. It initially reads as gibberish, which gives away that it is from the Minister of Intelligence. Read backwards, and without all the extra 'q's, it reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the phrase "former agent" is crossed out in that sentence. "We need to investigate all these newspapers for their ties to terrorists! Wiretap their editors and hide cameras in their headquarters! Who knows, maybe they're paid by Blackacre!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board

[description] Just when you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. You're more than used to the profanity-laden death threats by now, but this turns out to be from the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the author of the piece, which advocates overthrowing your government, is the terrorist known as "the Unibrow", who has promised to cease his violent agenda of bombings, decapitations, and ordering pineapple on pizza upon the publication of his manifesto.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" a voice calls. The editor of The Times, who apparently lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in the last week, bursts in the door. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here!" @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists regularly receive prizes for their work on terrorism

[option] "We can work this out," your Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who speaks on behalf of both ministers: "We can't negotiate with terrorists. But if we tell the enemy we'll publish the revolutionary bilge to get the manuscript, we can have the nerds run their tests. The linguinists will match it up to some kook anarchist who my forces can take out. Probably."
[fallout] detectives scour Max Barry novels to determine whether he could be a domestic terrorist

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It initially reads as gibberish, which gives away that it is from the Minister of Intelligence. Read backwards, without all the extra 'q's, it says: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the phrase "former agent" is crossed out in that sentence. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board

[description] Just as you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. Surprise! It isn't a would-be assassin (probably), it's the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is purportedly written by the terrorist known as "the Unibrow", who has promised to cease their violent agenda of bombings, decapitations, and ordering pineapple on pizza upon the essay's publication.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" a voice calls. The editor of The Times, who apparently lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in the last week, bursts in the door. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here." @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] foreign leaders let @@DEMONYM@@ journalists cover terrorist activities in the hopes they will take each other out

[option] "We can work this out," your Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who finishes the thought: "We can't negotiate with terrorists. But if we tell the enemy we'll publish the revolutionary bilge to get the manuscript, we can have the nerds run their tests. The linguinists will match it up to some kook anarchist who my forces can take out. Probably."
[fallout] detectives scour Max Barry novels to determine whether he could be a domestic terrorist

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the words "former agent" crossed out. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board

[description] Just as you thought you could finally relax, a letter composed entirely of newspaper cutouts arrives at your desk. Surprise! It isn't a would-be assassin (probably), it's the editor of The @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is requesting to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is written by the domestic terrorist known as the Unibrow, who has promised to cease his activities upon its publication.

[validity] all nations

[option] "Extra, extra, read all about it!" calls the editor, who lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows in an "accident" recently. "@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people, or at least two, anyway, and that can be stopped right now if @@LEADER@@ just picks the right option here." @@HE(1)@@ finally looks you in the eyes. "You better!"
[fallout] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who become journalists are immediately banned from entering foreign countries

[option] "We don’t negotiate with terrorists!" exclaims your Minister of Law Enforcement after tasing your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "But let’s tell the enemy that we’ll print his essay, then get the nerds to run tests on it. Have the linguinists see if they can match the writing to someone, and my boys can take care of this idiot without having to print his revolutionary garbage. Probably."
[fallout] detectives read Max Barry novels to ensure the author is not a domestic terrorist

[option] Another cutout appears on top of the pile of the editor's message and the endless death threats. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with our" ("former agent" is crossed out) "terrorist? We should investigate the media and see what they know!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to make newspaper cutouts and connect them with random lines on a drawing board

[description] You receive an urgent message from the editor of the @@CAPITAL@@ Times. @@HE(1)@@ is asking permission to print an essay entitled "On the Future of @@NAME@@ and @@LEADER@@". However, the work is written by the terrorist "The Unibrow", who has promised to cease his activities upon its publication.

[option] "This is a tremendous opportunity for my paper - I mean, to protect the people," says the editor of the Times, who apparently has lost @@HIS(1)@@ eyebrows since you last saw @@HIM(1)@@. "The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people... or dozens... at least two, anyway. We can end that threat now if you just let us print this."
[fallout] newspapers sponsor "terrorists anonymous" meetings

[option] "We don’t negotiate with terrorists!" exclaims your Minister of Law Enforcement after tasing your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "But let’s tell the enemy that we’ll print his essay, then get the nerds to run tests on it. Have the linguinists see if they can match the writing to someone, and the police can take care of him with minimal mess."
[fallout] the best defense is a good offense of mentally unstable terrorists

[option] A letter arrives at your desk, which seems to be random newspaper cutouts. You realize it is simply backwards with an extra "q" in the middle of every word. Decoded, it reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with our" ("former agent" is crossed out) "terrorist? We should investigate the media and see what they know!"
[fallout] government investigations are focused on newspaper cutouts and lines on a drawing board

[Candensia]

The second option seems a bit too dissonant to me.

"We don't negotiate with terrorists —> But let's tell the enemy that we'll publish his essay."

I gather that the point of the option is to stall for time while law enforcement attempts to identify the suspect. I think you can refine that message a bit.

[Trotterdam]

The irony is that I wouldn't think twice about allowing publishing the guy's essay if he hadn't bombed a bunch of people first.

[Fauxia]

Can, I hope I addressed your concern.

I realize the construction of some of the options is a little unusual, but I think it works. Let me know your thoughts, though.

[Fauxia]

Well, no one responded, but I made draft three anyway. I added a couple of funny lines, I hope, and also made Option 3 slightly less stupid sounding.

[Australian rePublic]

Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?

[Fauxia]

Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?

Because it's dangerous and in many nations there are likely to be laws against things like this that could incite violence.

[Australian rePublic]

Is this a state owned newspaper? if so, make that clear. If not, then why does leader get a say?

Because it's dangerous and in many nations there are likely to be laws against things like this that could incite violence.

Make this clearer. Even then, leader probably wouldn't handle such an issue, it'd probably be left to the hands of some media regulation department or something

[Pluvie]

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It reads as gibberish, but you quickly realize the words are backwards with a couple of extra uses of the letter "q". Clearly, this is from your Minister of Intelligence. It reads: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the words "former agent" crossed out. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"

This option feels really clunky to me. The description of the letter is explained for almost half of the option and perhaps there is a joke I'm missing there but it just feels unnecessary to have that much description about the letter. I will however admit that I spent about ten minutes on this trying to find a way to give that intro a bit more flow without removing any information and I have in fact come up empty, so I apologize for that. But I do think this option could be improved

EDIT: Maybe something like

"It initially looks like gibberish but read in a mirror (and with the omittence of a few stray q's) it reads:

[Fauxia]

Bumpity bump bump? Hope I fixed some concerns.

[Daarwyrth]

ordering pineapple on pizza

Oh no, the crime! secretly munches on pineapple pizza. Very amusing addition

@@LEADER@@ can save my paper - I mean the people - by printing this essay! The Unibrow has killed hundreds of people

Perhaps consider changing one of the 'people' in this sentence to something else, as it currently reads a little repetitive.

@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists regularly receive prizes for their work on terrorism

I like the current form already, but I feel you could make the comedy in this bit a little bit sharper.

Minister of Foreign Affairs says, before being knocked out cold by the Minister of Defense, who is subsequently tased by the Minister of Law Enforcement, who speaks on behalf of both ministers

As silly as this bit sounds, I love it. It really made me laugh out loud xD

[option] Another letter composed of newspaper cutouts appears atop the collection of murderous threats and the editor's memo. It initially reads as gibberish, which gives away that it is from the Minister of Intelligence. Read backwards, without all the extra 'q's, it says: "Am I the only person who finds it suspicious that the editor is buddies with this terrorist?" You notice the phrase "former agent" is crossed out in that sentence. "We should investigate The @@CAPITAL@@ Times and all other newspapers in @@NAME@@ for their obvious ties to terrorists!"
[fallout] government agents are paid to connect newspaper cutouts with lines on a drawing board

Perhaps you could add something about continued future surveillance of newspapers, but you don't have to. I feel as if it would be appropriate in this context, but that could be just me

[Fauxia]

Another draft up. Basically at last call with this one, although I would still like to shorten Option 3 without sacrificing the jokes.

Incorporated Daarwyrth's suggestions.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I'm sure there's an issue I edited where the question was whether a terrorist should be given publicity. Framed around a talk show if I recall.

I'll have to hunt it down, but I'm sure it exists.

[Trotterdam]

I'm sure there's an issue I edited where the question was whether a terrorist should be given publicity. Framed around a talk show if I recall.

I'll have to hunt it down, but I'm sure it exists.

You might be talking about #550? No wait, #592.

[Fauxia]

I realize there is some overlap, but I think the issues are distinct. This is about a specific threat.

That said, if that's the case, I may just send this in now.

[Sacara]

Hi, Fauxia! You have a well-written draft here, as always. However, in my opinion, this is too similar to Issue #592.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Yeah, 592 that's the one.

Feels too much of an overlap for me, to be honest. I think not much point progressing this one, personally.