[DRAFT] A Phoney Company?

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

This is my first attempt at drafting an issue; so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Headline: A Phoney Company?

Validity: Not valid for countries with mobile phones banned

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Lekim, are working with a company from Spursland, a country that you have extremely bad relations with, to produce their new phone. This will provide a huge boost to Spursland’s economy, which is currently struggling, and some people are wondering whether this is a good idea.

Option 1: "This would be great for the population and the economy!", says Bobby Arsene, CEO of Lekim. "Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world. Plus, it would increase Foreign Relations too!"

Effect Line: people often find the names of countries that they hate engraved into the back of their phones

Option 2: "Why on Earth would you be happy to let this happen?" says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@."Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Spursland are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all." After opening up a messaging app on her phone, she proceeds to whisper, “Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages.”

Effect Line: citizens prefer the last generation of phones to the new one

Headline: A Phoney Company?

Validity: Not for countries with the policy of socialism, or with mobile phones banned

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Microcosm, has teamed up with a company from Blackacre, your arch enemy, to manufacturer their new phone. This is because Qualcosm, from Blackacre, has developed new technology to manufacture a chip with 5x better battery life and various other perks. After a huge uproar, people have come to you to ask whether this should be allowed.

Option 1: "This would be great for the population and the economy!", says Will Fences, the new CEO of Microcosm. "Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world! Plus, it would improve foreign relations too!"

Effect Line: people often find names of arch enemies engraved or stitched into everyday items

Option 2: Why on Earth would you be alright with letting this happen?” says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@."Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Blackacre are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all." After opening up a messaging app on @@HIS@@ phone, @@HE@@ proceeds to whisper, "Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages."

Effect Line: citizens prefer the last generation of phones to the new one

Headline: A Phoney Company?

Validity: Not for countries with the policy of socialism, or with mobile phones banned

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Microcosm, has teamed up with a company from Blackacre, your arch enemy, to manufacturer their new phone. This is because Qualcosm, from Blackacre, have developed new technology to manufacture a chip with 5x better battery life and various other nerdy perks. After a huge uproar, people have come to you to ask whether this should be allowed.

Option 1: "This would be great for the population and the economy!", says Will Fences, the new CEO of Microcosm. "Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world! Plus, it would improve foreign relations too!"

Effect Line: people often find names of arch enemies engraved or stitched into everyday items

Option 2: "Why on Earth would you be alright with letting this happen?" says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@."Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Blackacre are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all." After opening up a messaging app on @@HIS@@ phone, @@HE@@ proceeds to whisper, “Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages."

Effect Line: touchscreens are a premium in mobile phones

Option 3: "Maybe we could come up with our own...errr...fry?" asks young politician @@RANDOMNAME@@. "If you sent the funding to...the company who makes the phones, then surely they could do it? In fact, if we sent enough their way, maybe we could create an even better...potato! Problem solved!"

Effect Line: people are excited for the next phone which will hopefully be out in a decade

Option 4: You notice an unread, handwritten letter on your desk. "@@LEADER@@," it says, "why do we even need phones anyway? Banning them will encourage people to spend more time outside - at least when it’s not raining, or snowing, or precipitating - no - if there is any precipitation, or if it’s too hot or too cold...anyway, people would talk to each other in person more, and read more; studies have shown it’s better without them. Let’s ban mobile phones!"

Effect Line: courts are struggling to cope with the number of cases on texting a family member

Headline: A Phoney Company?

Validity: Not for countries with the policy of socialism, or with mobile phones banned

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Microcosm, has teamed up with a company from Blackacre, your arch enemy, to manufacturer their new phone. This is because Qualcosm, from Blackacre, have developed new technology to manufacture a chip with 3x better battery life and various other nerdy perks. After a huge uproar, people have come to you to ask whether collaborating with companies from ‘horrific’ countries should be allowed.

Option 1: "This would be great for the population and the economy!", says Will Fences, the new CEO of Microcosm. "Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our compa- sorry - economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world! Plus, it would improve foreign relations too!"

Effect Line: due to @@LEADER@@ the economy is strengthening and the human rights are decreasing in Blackacre

Option 2: "Why on Earth would you be alright with letting this happen?” says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@.”Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Blackacre are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all." After opening up a messaging app on @@HIS@@ phone, @@HE@@ proceeds to whisper, "Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages."

Effect Line: touchscreens are a premium in mobile phones

Option 3: "Maybe we could come up with our own...errr...fry?" asks young politician @@RANDOMNAME@@ (who claims computers get drunk by taking screenshots) . "If you sent the funding to...the company who makes the phones, then surely they could do it? In fact, if we sent enough their way, we could create an even better...potato! Problem solved!"

Effect Line: people are excited for the next phone which will hopefully be out in a decade

Option 4: You notice an unread, handwritten letter on your desk. "@@LEADER@@," it says, "why do we even need phones anyway? Banning them will encourage people to spend more time outside - at least when it’s not raining, or snowing, or precipitating...no... if there is any precipitation, or if it’s too hot or too cold...anyway, people would talk to each other in person more, and read more; my studies have shown it’s better without them. Let’s ban mobile phones!"

Effect line: people in @@NATION@@ are commonly jailed for calling the police

Headline: A Phoney Company?

Validity: Not for countries with the policy of socialism, or with mobile phones banned

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Microcosm, has teamed up with a company from Blackacre, your arch enemy, to manufacturer their new phone. This is because Qualcosm, from Blackacre, have developed new technology to manufacture a chip with 3x better battery life and various other nerdy perks. After a huge uproar, people have come to you to ask whether collaborating with companies from ‘horrific’ countries should be allowed.

Option 1: "This would be great for the population and the economy!", says Will Fences, the new CEO of Microcosm. "Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our compa- sorry - economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world! Plus, it would improve foreign relations too! Bonus: we’d probably become the first trillion @@CURRENCY@@ company in @@NATION@@, and all thanks to you!" He proceeds to wink.

Effect Line: The most common branded product to find inside a household is Blackacrean toothpaste

Option 2: "Why in the multiverse would you be alright with letting this happen?" says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@.”Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Blackacre are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all." After opening up a messaging app on @@HIS@@ phone, @@HE@@ proceeds very quietly say, "Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages."

Effect Line: touchscreens are a premium in mobile phones

Option 3: "Maybe we should come up with our own...what’s it called?" asks elderly politician @@RANDOMNAME@@ with a posh accent. "Oh yes, a chip! What if we made our own one? Surely we must be close to having this so-called technology of our arch enemy? I’m sure our fabulous scientists will have this wonderful example of innovation ready in a jiffy!"

Effect Line: people are excited for the next phone (which will hopefully be out in a decade)

Option 4: You notice an unread, handwritten letter on your desk. "@@LEADER@@," it says, "why do we even need phones anyway? Banning them will encourage people to spend more time outside, and encouraging people to chat face to face more. My studies have shown that they are damaging millions of peoples' eyesight constantly. There’s no reason not to!"
Signed,
@@RANDOMNAME@@,
CEO of PhoneBoxes4U

Effect line: people in @@NATION@@ are commonly jailed for calling the police

[Baloo Kingdom]

Just a tip that was given to me, try putting it in this format:

https://www.nationstates.net/page=submi ... guidelines

It'll look better to the Issues Editors.

[Terrabod]

Validity: Not valid for countries with mobile phones banned, or without trade sanctions.

I don't think the 'trade sanctions' thing is necessary.

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Lekim, are working with a company from Spursland, a country that you have extremely bad relations with, to produce their new phone. This will provide a huge boost to Spursland’s economy, which is currently struggling, and some people are wondering whether this is a good idea.

Remember that some nations (with the policy 'Socialism') will actually own or run the phone company, so in some sense the government will already have decided that it's ok for them to work with a foreign company. Furthermore, and I don't know much about phone companies, but what reason does Lekim have for working with the foreign company, and in particular a company in a country that doesn't get along well with your nation?

Option 1: “This would be great for the population and the economy!”, says Bobby Arsene, CEO of Lekim. “Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world. Plus, it would increase Foreign Relations too!

Why Bobby Arsene? I think I'm missing a joke here. And why Lekim? And why Spursland - is that a nation found in other issues? Oh and you again have the Socialism problem here.

Option 2: “Why on Earth would you be happy to let this happen?” says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@.”Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Spursland are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all.” After opening up a messaging app on her phone, she proceeds to whisper, “Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages.”

@@RANDOMNAME@@ gives the speaker a random gender, so you need to look through this and replace 'her' and 'she' etc with @@HIS@@ and @@HE@@ which will change to match the gender of the speaker.

You have a solid draft here, assuming this topic hasn't been covered already (someone else will have to tell you that if that's a problem), and your formatting is pretty solid for a first try. Well done especially for getting your effect lines written correctly! The only other thing I can see that'll get you into trouble (probably with Baggieland) is your 'smart-quotes' - in your text you have curved inverted commas “ instead of non-curved ones " and curved apostrophes ’ instead of non-curved ones ' - which the submission form can't cope with. Go back through and change all of these, it's as simple as deleting the apostrophe and retyping it. I wouldn't change your format to the one Baloo Kingdom has suggested because I find that format much less user-friendly to read on the forum and as such much harder to correct. It's your choice at the end of the day but just because you'll use that format for the submission form doesn't mean you have to use it here.

And as for the Socialism thing, you could make 'must have Capitalism' as a validity (which is the lazy way out) or you could rethink your approach slightly. For example, what about scientists in your nation applying to collaborate on a project with scientists in a bad-guy nation because each of the nations has a piece of equipment the other doesn't have? This happens a lot in real life (it's one of the main reasons scientists collaborate internationally), and you still have that core issue where the other nation benefits economically (and health-wise) if something like a new drug is the end product. I'm imagining speaker 2 being soooo mad that you're increasing the lifespan of one of your antagonistic neighbours, but maybe this could be the peace offering you both need.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Validity: Not valid for countries with mobile phones banned, or without trade sanctions.

I don't think the 'trade sanctions' thing is necessary.

Description: The main mobile phone manufacturer in @@NAME@@, Lekim, are working with a company from Spursland, a country that you have extremely bad relations with, to produce their new phone. This will provide a huge boost to Spursland’s economy, which is currently struggling, and some people are wondering whether this is a good idea.

Remember that some nations (with the policy 'Socialism') will actually own or run the phone company, so in some sense the government will already have decided that it's ok for them to work with a foreign company. Furthermore, and I don't know much about phone companies, but what reason does Lekim have for working with the foreign company, and in particular a company in a country that doesn't get along well with your nation?

Option 1: “This would be great for the population and the economy!”, says Bobby Arsene, CEO of Lekim. “Yes, it would be good for their economy, but it would be better for our economy; we are still from @@NAME@@ and that’s where we sell most of our phones. In fact, I think we should be able to collaborate with any company, anywhere in the world. Plus, it would increase Foreign Relations too!

Why Bobby Arsene? I think I'm missing a joke here. And why Lekim? And why Spursland - is that a nation found in other issues? Oh and you again have the Socialism problem here.

Option 2: “Why on Earth would you be happy to let this happen?” says your Foreign Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@.”Why should we even think about helping their economy along? Can I just remind you that we and Spursland are huge enemies? For a small downgrade in our mobile phones, we should absolutely not be working with these people; they could well be fraudulent, after all.” After opening up a messaging app on her phone, she proceeds to whisper, “Oh, that’s nice, I can send little images with my text messages.”

@@RANDOMNAME@@ gives the speaker a random gender, so you need to look through this and replace 'her' and 'she' etc with @@HIS@@ and @@HE@@ which will change to match the gender of the speaker.

You have a solid draft here, assuming this topic hasn't been covered already (someone else will have to tell you that if that's a problem), and your formatting is pretty solid for a first try. Well done especially for getting your effect lines written correctly! The only other thing I can see that'll get you into trouble (probably with Baggieland) is your 'smart-quotes' - in your text you have curved inverted commas “ instead of non-curved ones " and curved apostrophes ’ instead of non-curved ones ' - which the submission form can't cope with. Go back through and change all of these, it's as simple as deleting the apostrophe and retyping it. I wouldn't change your format to the one Baloo Kingdom has suggested because I find that format much less user-friendly to read on the forum and as such much harder to correct. It's your choice at the end of the day but just because you'll use that format for the submission form doesn't mean you have to use it here.

And as for the Socialism thing, you could make 'must have Capitalism' as a validity (which is the lazy way out) or you could rethink your approach slightly. For example, what about scientists in your nation applying to collaborate on a project with scientists in a bad-guy nation because each of the nations has a piece of equipment the other doesn't have? This happens a lot in real life (it's one of the main reasons scientists collaborate internationally), and you still have that core issue where the other nation benefits economically (and health-wise) if something like a new drug is the end product. I'm imagining speaker 2 being soooo mad that you're increasing the lifespan of one of your antagonistic neighbours, but maybe this could be the peace offering you both need.

Thanks so much for the feedback! Genuinely appreciated. I have made a few edits according to you feedback. Also, the names and stuff are Arsenal and Spurs references, English soccer teams, you can look them up. Reverse 'lekim' and you get Arsenal's team coach's first name, also Arsene Wenger is Arsenal's former manager.
I will soon probably write a second draft soon including your feedback and going into a bit more detail about why manufactures are working with this company etc.

[Terrabod]

Thanks so much for the feedback! Genuinely appreciated. I have made a few edits according to you feedback. Also, the names and stuff are Arsenal and Spurs references, English soccer teams, you can look them up. Reverse 'lekim' and you get Arsenal's team coach's first name, also Arsene Wenger is Arsenal's former manager.

I don't need to look them up haha - but I didn't make that connection because usually if you make references like this it's relevant to the issue in some way. I get that it's a personal tribute, but if I were you I'd save it for a football-related issue.

Interested to see where you take this issue next!

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Thanks so much for the feedback! Genuinely appreciated. I have made a few edits according to you feedback. Also, the names and stuff are Arsenal and Spurs references, English soccer teams, you can look them up. Reverse 'lekim' and you get Arsenal's team coach's first name, also Arsene Wenger is Arsenal's former manager.

I don't need to look them up haha - but I didn't make that connection because usually if you make references like this it's relevant to the issue in some way. I get that it's a personal tribute, but if I were you I'd save it for a football-related issue.

Interested to see where you take this issue next!

Fair enough! I was struggling for names, so there you go. I will probably change them up at some point in the future then. Thanks again!

[Terrabod]

Here's a list of pre-existing nations, and here is a list of different characters and companies that crop up often in different issues. You might find something that fits your needs there, but remember as the writer you have creative control and you are welcome to make up your own companies and nations - but if it's going to be a joke or a reference to something yeah it should relate to the issue.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

I have added my second draft to the original post

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

I do know that Microsoft in real life are bad at phones but hey it's NS

[Dominioan]

The first "manufacture" is spelled "manufacturer". The second effect line also seems a bit boring.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Ok, I'll have a look at that for a third draft. Thanks for the feedback!

[Electrum]

First, you should hide your previous tags using spoiler tags:

Code: Select all

[spoiler=1st draft]put text here[/spoiler]

Second, this has the potential of being a good issue, but it needs work -- it needs more options. I feel two is not enough. I think this issue can be reframed slightly around the real-life scenario of China relying on other countries to produce high-quality semiconductors (they are difficult to make since they require a lot of technological expertise and intellectual property - so in this case, Blackacre possesses the technology to create semiconductors to make the next generation of phones). So your option structure could be something like:

1. Pay Blackacre to purchase the semiconductors (what you have right now)
2. Invest a large amount of money in research and development to hopefully, one day produce these semiconductors
3. Refuse to buy Blackacrean technology (also what you have right now)
4. Perhaps a crazy option in stealing the technology from Blackacre using spies (as has happened in real life)

Then, focus on adding humour to your draft. You can add some humour into the characterisation and the effect lines.

[Cretox State]

I agree with Electrum; there's definitely potential here and more options are warranted. The writing should also be cleaned up a bit (e.g., "Foreign Relations" shouldn't be capitalized and it doesn't make sense to say something will "increase" foreign relations).

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Thanks for the feedback! I have put in the spoilers and slightly edited the foreign relations part. I will try to get a 3rd draft out soon, with more options and a bit of added humour.

[Electrum]

Thanks for the feedback! I have put in the spoilers and slightly edited the foreign relations part. I will try to get a 3rd draft out soon, with more options and a bit of added humour.

No worries Take your time, looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

I have updated the original post with a 3rd draft. I have added a couple of options and made a few edits to the first two. I'm hoping the two options that I have added work well with the issue, but again, any feedback would be appreciated in order to improve the draft. If this still doesn't work, I will focus on reframing the issue for the next draft.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Also Qualcosm is based on Qualcomm for those who may not get it. I'm wondering if the naming is too similar?

[Lodgia]

Looks like a good issue, but I don’t really know tbh

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

I don't think anything else is gonna come back on this issue, so I might as well submit it. Does anyone want to say anything before I do?

[Fauxia]

I think 5x the battery life is pushing it.

I wouldn't rush into submitting this, although your writing is pretty good. GI's just been rather quiet of late.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll maybe decrease the battery life increase and I'll leave it on for longer then.

[Australian rePublic]

Who cares if an enemy nation is building better phone batteries? How is this a threat to national security? Are they worried that the batteries will spy on @@DENONYM@@?

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

Good point, I definitely haven't made that clear enough. The issue is on whether companies can use the chip made in the enemy country.

[Koniglich Wasserstein]

4th draft out now! Quite similar to 3rd Draft but there are a few major changes and additions.

[Electrum]

Option 1 can do with a bit more humour -- the characterisation of the CEO and the effect line are quite matter-of-fact.

Option 3: "Maybe we could come up with our own...errr...fry?" asks young politician @@RANDOMNAME@@ (who claims computers get drunk by taking screenshots) . "If you sent the funding to...the company who makes the phones, then surely they could do it? In fact, if we sent enough their way, we could create an even better...potato! Problem solved!"

Could you rewrite this? I have no idea what this is saying or what it involves.

Option 4: You notice an unread, handwritten letter on your desk. "@@LEADER@@," it says, "why do we even need phones anyway? Banning them will encourage people to spend more time outside - at least when it’s not raining, or snowing, or precipitating...no... if there is any precipitation, or if it’s too hot or too cold...anyway, people would talk to each other in person more, and read more; my studies have shown it’s better without them. Let’s ban mobile phones!"

Effect line: people in @@NATION@@ are commonly jailed for calling the police

I'm not against the idea of banning mobile phones, but this needs to be better written. There's some grammatical mistakes and repetition, and the argument can be made more persuasive. Also it says "my studies" but we have no idea who wrote the letter in the first place.