[SUBMITTED] Soon On The Moon?

by **Megistos** » Wed Oct 28, 2020 1:07 pm

Soon On The Moon

[desc] Your Minister of Science has proposed plans for creating a moon base that would be used as a staging post for further space exploration and even a possible future colony.

[validity] Invalid for nations without space program

[option] "We need a moon base," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Minister of Science, while spinning a globe of the planet in his hand. "Focus into space has only begun, with much more to learn. Why waste this chance for @@NAME@@ to figure out what's out there in the world? Are there aliens? Are there other planets like ours? We'll never know if we don't start by establishing a moon base, which can help us in interstellar research."
[effect] romantic @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ say "there's a nice Earth out tonight"

[option] "Why are we acting like selfish snobs and creating a moon base for only our gain in research?" asks your Minister of Foreign Affairs @@RANDOMNAME@@, "I support the idea of creating a moon base for the advancement on space research, but I think we should make an international space lab. After all, scientific progress should be shared with the whole world, what's the point of technological advancements if not everybody can take advantage of it? Let's invite other nations to help with the space station, and hopefully capture a bit of interest."
[effect] cultural differences are leading to fights that are out of this world

[option] "Hey, why are we spending so much in space?" exclaims biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, from @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space -- reaching out to the farthest reaches of the solar system. However, there are still places in this world where we barely know anything. I propose you start investing in exploring the uncharted terrestrial areas, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!"
[effect] the sky's the limit for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ exploration

by **Megistos** » Sun Nov 01, 2020 5:35 pm

Looking back on this, I'd appreciate feedback, considering it's been about 4 days since I posted this, and no replies =P So it would be very kind of you to give feedback <3

by **Baggieland** » Sun Nov 01, 2020 7:27 pm

Megistos wrote:Looking back on this, I'd appreciate feedback, considering it's been about 4 days since I posted this, and no replies =P So it would be very kind of you to give feedback <3

It's often quiet over weekends, so hopefully you'll get a bit of feedback soon.

I thought we already had an issue about a base on the moon, but after a quick check, it turned out to be just a flag which another nation had removed. So for nations that have a space program, building a moon base would seem like a plausible step to take.

I'll take a closer look at your draft another time, gotta work now!

by **Megistos** » Mon Nov 02, 2020 6:14 am

Baggieland wrote:
Megistos wrote:Looking back on this, I'd appreciate feedback, considering it's been about 4 days since I posted this, and no replies =P So it would be very kind of you to give feedback <3

It's often quiet over weekends, so hopefully you'll get a bit of feedback soon.

I thought we already had an issue about a base on the moon, but after a quick check, it turned out to be just a flag which another nation had removed. So for nations that have a space program, building a moon base would seem like a plausible step to take.

I'll take a closer look at your draft another time, gotta work now!

Ah, since I'm still pretty new here, I didn't know that. Thanks!

by **Baggieland** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 12:57 am

Megistos wrote: Now, you have several people in your office arguing about the topic on different viewpoints.

This is obvious, get rid of it.

Megistos wrote:“We definitely need a moon base.” Says your Minister of Science,

You gave the minister a name in the intro, use his name here.

Megistos wrote:He pauses, taking out what seems to be a little toy spaceship. “Plus, maybe one day we’ll have little spaceships exploring the world.” He whispers quietly.

This bit seems weird to me and an unnecessary addition to the option.

Megistos wrote:[option] "No, we don't need to." Your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces. "It would take up too much of our budget and we had already invested massively into having a space program, we don't need to throw our budget in the bins now. Say no, we don't need to work on something 'amazing' space project when we don't have to work on it."

I think you need to mention "cut back on space program funding" somewhere in here.

Megistos wrote:[option] "Hey, why are we even spending in space?" Interjects biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@ at @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space, we have reached out to the farthest reaches in the solar system, and in a world of oceans where it is sized much more smaller than space, we've barely explored anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the depths of the mighty sea!" She finishes.

I think you need an "end the space program" somewhere in here.

by **Megistos** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 7:37 am

This is obvious, get rid of it.

Will fix, though in the past didn't some issues have it like this? Surely one or two times I've seen an issue like this.

You gave the minister a name in the intro, use his name here.

Is there a macro for this, because as far as I know, if I put @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ again it could show a different name than the one in the intro?

This bit seems weird to me and an unnecessary addition to the option.

When I wrote it, it didn't seem weird, but now when I look at it, it kind of sounds... unnatural? Weird? And I think it doesn't fit with realism that much.

I think you need to mention "cut back on space program funding" somewhere in here.

Will do, how could I have missed that?

I think you need an "end the space program" somewhere in here.

Probably, if you aren't going to spend in space why would you have a space station

by **FNU** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 7:45 am

Looks good to me, I hope to see this some day.

by **Megistos** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 7:58 am

FNU wrote:Looks good to me, I hope to see this some day.

Thank you

by **South Cayriya** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 1:25 pm

this is nice

by **Megistos** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 2:23 pm

South Cayriya wrote:this is nice

Thanks for the motivation

by **Atheris** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 2:26 pm

I'd recommend changing the periods in some quotes to commas. For example;

"'No, we don't need to.' Your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces." should be changed to "'No, we don't need to,' your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces."

by **Megistos** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 2:48 pm

Atheris wrote:I'd recommend changing the periods in some quotes to commas. For example;

"'No, we don't need to.' Your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces." should be changed to "'No, we don't need to,' your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces."

Thank you, will fix later

by **Baggieland** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 5:07 pm

Megistos wrote:Will fix, though in the past didn't some issues have it like this? Surely one or two times I've seen an issue like this.

True, some of the earlier issues did have lines like this. However, we have moved away from statements like this since, because as I said, it's obvious that some people have approached LEADER to give their opinion.

Megistos wrote:Is there a macro for this, because as far as I know, if I put @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ again it could show a different name than the one in the intro?

@@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@.

Megistos wrote:When I wrote it, it didn't seem weird, but now when I look at it, it kind of sounds... unnatural? Weird? And I think it doesn't fit with realism that much.

Agreed.

Megistos wrote:Will do, how could I have missed that?

Megistos wrote:Probably, if you aren't going to spend in space why would you have a space station

Yeah, you just need to make a distinction between these two options. Make it a bit clearer what each option is proposing.

by **Megistos** » Tue Nov 03, 2020 6:05 pm

True, some of the earlier issues did have lines like this. However, we have moved away from statements like this since, because as I said, it's obvious that some people have approached LEADER to give their opinion.

Okay.

@@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@

Thank you, I assume you tie it like @@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@ in the intro and then the same in the description.

Yeah, you just need to make a distinction between these two options. Make it a bit clearer what each option is proposing.

I'm thinking about changing Option 2 to cutting back on a space program as a focus, with profit and economy as a reason why to do it, so basically switching up roles, if you'd like.

by **Megistos** » Thu Nov 05, 2020 8:39 am

So my plan so far:

Option 1: Same
Option 2: Team up with nations to establish a international base.
Option 3: Destroy the Space Station to make a profit

I switched up some points because I needed to make more of a difference on the issues.
Feedback is always welcome, as always.

by **Baggieland** » Fri Nov 06, 2020 3:53 am

Megistos wrote:has always been interested in space innovation ever since seeing the @@DENONYM@@ movie

@@DEMONYM@@ = Briton. @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ = British.

Megistos wrote:@@ANIMAL@@ In Outer Space

@@ANIMALPLURAL@@

Megistos wrote:Now, you have several people in your office arguing about the topic on different viewpoints.

Get rid of this!

Megistos wrote:“We definitely need a moon base.” Says your Minister of Science,@@RANDOMNAME(1)@@

We already know from the intro that he is the minister, just use the randomname macro.

Megistos wrote:Focus into space has only started, having @@DENONYM@@ people on the moon

@@DEMONYM@@ = Briton. @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ = British. @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ = Britons.

Megistos wrote:[option] "No, we don't need to," Your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces. "It would take up too much of our budget and we had already invested massively into having a space program, we don't need to throw our budget in the bins now. We don't need to work on something 'amazing' space project when we don't have to work on it. In fact, let's withdraw funding from space, we'll gain a huge profit.

Megistos wrote:Option 2: Team up with nations to establish a international base.

Sorry, but your current option 2 has no mention of teaming up with other nations. I suggest that you do make this option about teaming up, it's a good approach to have.

Megistos wrote:[option] "Hey, why are we even spending in space?" Interjects biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@ at @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space, we have reached out to the farthest reaches in the solar system, and in a world of oceans where it is sized much more smaller than space, we've barely explored anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the depths of the mighty sea, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!" She finishes.

I suggest:

"Hey, why are we spending so much in space?" interjects Biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, from @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space -- reaching out to the farthest reaches of the solar system. However, there are still places in this world where we've barely explored anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the unchartered terrestrial areas, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!"

All your effect lines need rethinking as well, but we'll do that when your options are looking submitable.

by **Megistos** » Fri Nov 06, 2020 6:58 am

Baggieland wrote:
Megistos wrote:has always been interested in space innovation ever since seeing the @@DENONYM@@ movie

@@DEMONYM@@ = Briton. @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ = British.

Megistos wrote:@@ANIMAL@@ In Outer Space

@@ANIMALPLURAL@@

Megistos wrote:Now, you have several people in your office arguing about the topic on different viewpoints.

Get rid of this!

Megistos wrote:“We definitely need a moon base.” Says your Minister of Science,@@RANDOMNAME(1)@@

We already know from the intro that he is the minister, just use the randomname macro.

Megistos wrote:Focus into space has only started, having @@DENONYM@@ people on the moon

@@DEMONYM@@ = Briton. @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ = British. @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ = Britons.

Megistos wrote:[option] "No, we don't need to," Your Minister of Finances, @@RANDOMNAME@@, announces. "It would take up too much of our budget and we had already invested massively into having a space program, we don't need to throw our budget in the bins now. We don't need to work on something 'amazing' space project when we don't have to work on it. In fact, let's withdraw funding from space, we'll gain a huge profit.

Megistos wrote:Option 2: Team up with nations to establish a international base.

Sorry, but your current option 2 has no mention of teaming up with other nations. I suggest that you do make this option about teaming up, it's a good approach to have.

Megistos wrote:[option] "Hey, why are we even spending in space?" Interjects biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@ at @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space, we have reached out to the farthest reaches in the solar system, and in a world of oceans where it is sized much more smaller than space, we've barely explored anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the depths of the mighty sea, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!" She finishes.

I suggest:

"Hey, why are we spending so much in space?" interjects Biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, from @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space -- reaching out to the farthest reaches of the solar system. However, there are still places in this world where we've barely explored anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the unchartered terrestrial areas, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!"

All your effect lines need rethinking as well, but we'll do that when your options are looking submitable.

Fixed. Although Number 2's effect line became worse, because that's the good package you get with me for free...

by **Baggieland** » Fri Nov 06, 2020 7:34 pm

Megistos wrote:Says your Minister of Science,@@RANDOMNAME(1)@@ while spinning a globe of the planet in his hand

Delete "Minister of Science". Just have: "says randomnamemale(1)".

Megistos wrote:We cannot afford to be behind Blackare in something!

Change something to anything.

Megistos wrote:work together to establish a international moon base

An international

Megistos wrote:However, there are still places in this world where we've barely explored anything.

Change to: where we barely know anything.
So as to not repeat the word 'explore'.

by **Megistos** » Sat Nov 07, 2020 3:27 pm

Baggieland wrote:
Megistos wrote:Says your Minister of Science,@@RANDOMNAME(1)@@ while spinning a globe of the planet in his hand

Delete "Minister of Science". Just have: "says randomnamemale(1)".

Megistos wrote:We cannot afford to be behind Blackare in something!

Change something to anything.

Megistos wrote:work together to establish a international moon base

An international

Megistos wrote:However, there are still places in this world where we've barely explored anything.

Change to: where we barely know anything.
So as to not repeat the word 'explore'.

Fixed, though I was about to fix 1 and 3 but I switched nations and the error thing came up.

by **Westinor** » Sat Nov 07, 2020 6:51 pm

Your Minister of Science, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@, has always been interested in space innovation ever since seeing the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ movie @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ In Outer Space. However, today, he has shown you diagrams on how @@NAME@@ could possibly have a space colony on the moon, and he has asked for you to execute it.

This is a little bit of a weird start-off for a premise. Your Science Minister has an interest in space because he saw a movie, and suddenly today he wants you to build a base on the moon. Perhaps you could create a more interesting premise? Building a moon base doesn't seem like something a country might do on a whim - perhaps a competing nation, like Dàguó or East Lebatuck, is on their way to establishing a moon base, and you need to make sure they don't completely take it over (generic, but it could work), or perhaps there's something of interest on the moon. Perhaps more and more people are interested in space research, or perhaps asteroid mining companies have found that a moon base might reduce costs for transportation/ launches (this could branch off from #574. You've got a lot of ways to go from here, but I think you should start with a stronger premise.

by **Baggieland** » Sun Nov 08, 2020 1:11 am

Megistos wrote:We definitely need a moon base.” @@RANDOMNAME(1)@@

Make it @@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@, so it's the same as the macro in the intro.

Megistos wrote:At least do something!"

Get rid of this. Never say "do something", specifically state what it is you're going to do. As you have already stated what you're going to do, this sentence is totally unnecessary.

Megistos wrote:where we've barely know anything

... where we barely know anything.

Westinor wrote:This is a little bit of a weird start-off for a premise. Your Science Minister has an interest in space because he saw a movie, and suddenly today he wants you to build a base on the moon. Perhaps you could create a more interesting premise? Building a moon base doesn't seem like something a country might do on a whim - perhaps a competing nation, like Dàguó or East Lebatuck, is on their way to establishing a moon base, and you need to make sure they don't completely take it over (generic, but it could work), or perhaps there's something of interest on the moon. Perhaps more and more people are interested in space research, or perhaps asteroid mining companies have found that a moon base might reduce costs for transportation/ launches (this could branch off from #574. You've got a lot of ways to go from here, but I think you should start with a stronger premise.

Good point, now that Westinor has mentioned it, the intro is a bit underwhelming. There's some good suggestions here, I'll leave it up to you how you want to change it.

Let's take a look at your effect lines.

Megistos wrote:[effect] there's a lot of space in @@NAME@@

Suggestion: romantic @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ say "there's a nice Earth out tonight"

Megistos wrote:[effect] @@NAME@@ can't get provoked ever.

I'm thinking something along the lines of fights breaking out on the base between astronauts of different nationalities. But I can't formulate a sentence at the moment.

Megistos wrote:[effect] the wonders that @@NAME@@ knows about the seas is as big as an ocean

I'm thinking something along the lines of children being denied their dreams / reaching for the stars as the sky is literally the limit. But again I can't put a sentence together at the moment.

by **Trotterdam** » Sun Nov 08, 2020 5:10 am

Megistos wrote:[box]Your Minister of Science, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE(1)@@, has always been interested in space innovation ever since seeing the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ movie @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ In Outer Space.

Why would I care how he became interested in space? It most likely happened in his childhood, long before he became the Minister of Science. There's nothing that happened recently to inspire a moon base.

Also, is there a reason he has to be male?

Megistos wrote:[option] "We definitely need a moon base." @@RANDOMNAME(1)@@ while spinning a globe of the planet in his hand. "Focus into space has only started, having @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ on the moon would be amazing. Look at nations like Maxtopia, Brancaland and even Blackacre making their first ventures into space! We cannot afford to be behind Blackare in anything! At least do something!"

You're missing a "says" (or similar verb) before the name.

Also use straight quotes, not curved quotes. (Pro-tip: Don't use Microsoft Word for drafting issues. Or for anything ever. Notepad is better if you want to draft issues offsite.)

Also you misspelled "Blackacre" at the end.

I don't think other nations making "first ventures into space" is much reason to build a moonbase (which is a lot more than just "first ventures"). In real life lots of nations have space programs and they're mostly friendly with each other. (Even the US and USSR space programs buried the hatchet more than a decade before the latter collapsed.)

Other nations planning to actually build a moonbase is less probable, let alone multiple of them. It's not a huge priority for most real-life space programs right now. (And if they were planning this, it's likely that at least one of them would be intending an international base, and the event trigger be them reaching out to you asking if you want to participate.)

Possible actual-science reasons for wanting a moonbase: ability to perform far more lunar research than with rovers, testing the effects of low gravity on astronauts (we currently have a lot of data on the effects of zero gravity, but remarkably little data on gravity values between zero and one), a staging point outside of Earth's atmosphere and gravity well that might be used for further space exploration, potential for eventual expansion to a full colony.

Megistos wrote:[option] "Is it a problem that Maxtopia, Brancaland, and many other nations are going into space to put their people on the moon?" Your Minister of Foreign Affairs, @@RANDOMNAME@@, asks. "No, that isn't. Is it a problem that we look at it like a problem? Yes. I propose we, the international community, work together to establish an international moon base for all - It would be a great step for our international relations, of course."

Put a comma after "Brancaland", lowercase "your", add a comma before "asks".

Again, though, while the question of "should we allow other nations to share our moon base?" is meaningful, I think there needs to be a better reason than "because we want to be first" to be bringing this up.

Besides, the moon is pretty big, so even if we don't agree to share the same base there's still room for multiple nations to each have their own bases. For that matter, even if the first base is fully international, scientists will still want to build additional bases elsewhere later. You can't circumnavigate the entire moon on one buggy's fuel supply.

Megistos wrote:[option] "Hey, why are we spending so much in space?" interjects Biology teacher @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, from @@ANIMAL@@ University. "We know so much about space -- reaching out to the farthest reaches of the solar system. However, there are still places in this world where we've barely know anything. I propose you start investing into exploring the uncharted terrestrial areas, and end this nonsense of 'space programs'!"

I don't think "biology" should be capitalized.

Baggieland wrote:
Megistos wrote:[effect] the wonders that @@NAME@@ knows about the seas is as big as an ocean
I'm thinking something along the lines of children being denied their dreams / reaching for the stars as the sky is literally the limit. But again I can't put a sentence together at the moment.

"the sky's the limit for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ exploration"?

by **Baggieland** » Sun Nov 08, 2020 7:18 pm

Trotterdam wrote:I don't think "biology" should be capitalized.

Yeah, my bad. Only capitalize academic subjects when refering to a course, academic subjects in general aren't capitalized (except languages).

Trotterdam wrote:the sky's the limit for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ exploration

It would have to be: the sky is literally the limit for...

by **Megistos** » Mon Nov 09, 2020 7:28 am

Thanks all for feedback, I will begin the new draft, with specific quotes coming up. Thanks!

by **Megistos** » Mon Nov 09, 2020 1:38 pm

Almost as per my promise earlier today, I have posted a new draft.

- As for the problem with 'not an interesting' intro, I had replaced it completely with Trotterdam's last suggestion.
- Option 1 is about creating a national space base, with the reason being 'advancing interstellar research'
- Option 2 is about creating a international space base, with reason being 'more spotlight shining on @@NAME@@' and 'advancing worldwide space research
- Option 3 has stayed the same, mainly because of the quality of the writing.

Welcome to feedback, I am still thinking along Baggie's lines for effect line #2, to quote

I'm thinking something along the lines of fights breaking out on the base between astronauts of different nationalities.

[SUBMITTED] Soon On The Moon?

[SUBMITTED] Soon On The Moon?

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