[DRAFT] Mistakes in Space

[United Hemand Insia]

/bump

I say that you submit it. You never know how good it will do until you try it.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

/bump

I say that you submit it. You never know how good it will do until you try it.

Nah, I'll make it a last call. I'm still waiting for some more feedback.

[United Hemand Insia]

I say that you submit it. You never know how good it will do until you try it.

Nah, I'll make it a last call. I'm still waiting for some more feedback.

Okay, then. You do you.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

Alright, I'm bumping this one last time, so if anyone has feedback, please post as soon as possible.

[Megistos]

Why would your defense minister be building a tank in your office? Maybe change it to blueprints? Just suggesting, of course. Nice work, tho.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

Why would your defense minister be building a tank in your office? Maybe change it to blueprints? Just suggesting, of course. Nice work, tho.

It's a model tank. The name LUGU is a play on Lego.

[Megistos]

Why would your defense minister be building a tank in your office? Maybe change it to blueprints? Just suggesting, of course. Nice work, tho.

It's a model tank. The name LUGU is a play on Lego.

Oh, okay.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

It's a model tank. The name LUGU is a play on Lego.

Oh, okay.

but it's a thirty-foot lego model

[Megistos]

Oh, okay.

but it's a thirty-foot lego model

facepalm

[Nooooooooooooooo]

Alright, last call.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

I will be submitting tomorrow if nobody has any more feedback.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

...And submitted. If you have feedback still, I suppose it's too late.

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck

[Nooooooooooooooo]

Good Luck

Thanks!

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!

[Electrum]

Apologies for being late but I think the premise needs work.

We have no idea why Nassland wants to bomb us, and it's just not a compelling premise given that we don't even know the information is even credible in the first place. Choosing the second option seems like the most obvious choice, of course we need more information. We don't even know who Nassland is! This is just another x wants to nuke us premise, except this time it's in space -- so the stakes are going to be lower than say the missile crisis chain that Pogaria recently released.

I suggest reworking it along Sherp's lines (emphasis added):

More than omit the references, though, the dilemma needs to feel more like it's its own dilemma. Space terrorism could be an incredibly interesting issue (that can tangentially reference Among Us or Cluedo or whatever) and this doesn't quite encapsulate that feeling.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

Apologies for being late but I think the premise needs work.

We have no idea why Nassland wants to bomb us, and it's just not a compelling premise given that we don't even know the information is even credible in the first place. Choosing the second option seems like the most obvious choice, of course we need more information. We don't even know who Nassland is! This is just another x wants to nuke us premise, except this time it's in space -- so the stakes are going to be lower than say the missile crisis chain that Pogaria recently released.

I suggest reworking it along Sherp's lines (emphasis added):

More than omit the references, though, the dilemma needs to feel more like it's its own dilemma. Space terrorism could be an incredibly interesting issue (that can tangentially reference Among Us or Cluedo or whatever) and this doesn't quite encapsulate that feeling.

Ah, I see now. I think I will reboot the thread now, back as a draft.
Any more feedback is appreciated.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

/bump

[Westinor]

[desc] Some of your spies have uncovered a story about one of @@NAME@@'s long-standing allies and trade partners, Nassland, that has plans to bomb the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Station within the next two months. It was presumed that they might send a missile towards the station. This story has caused pandemonium within the Capitol, with many people suggesting solutions.

While it certainly isn't necessary, I'd suggest using an existing NPC nation - Blackacre comes to mind here, perhaps Lilliputia though it doesn't seem like they have the technology, maybe East Lebatuck or Daguo - simply because this new NPC nation seems to be mucking up your premise a bit. Why is one of your longest-standing allies and trade partners trying to bomb your Space Station? How do you not even know if they have nukes yet? Whereas if you use Blackacre, you know they probably have the capability to destroy your station, or at least you can assume so since they're one of your oldest enemies and it's assumable you have at least the basis of research so that option 2 doesn't suggest something as ridiculous as "we don't even know if they have nukes". I'd also cut out the last two sentences - they're irrelevant.

Perhaps try changing the opening to: "The latest intelligence has revealed that the hostile nation of Blackacre has plans to bomb the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Station, which currently houses several @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ astronauts and valuable scientific data." That way, you also cut out the unnecessary time limit, which doesn't contribute anything besides questions of "why can't the station be evacuated in those two months?" If you'd like to add more intrigue, perhaps through changing the method of terrorism, go right ahead.

We must launch a full-scale attack as soon as possible! They threaten us, we threaten them!" @@HE_1@@ proceeds to mutter nuclear codes, as if @@HE_1@@ is trying to remember them.

I'd note that launching a full-scale attack isn't a threat. Try going with the threat, or just the full-on jingoistic "let's attack them for this!". I'd also cut out the "as if... them" at the end and change it to just " @@HIS_1@@ eyes begin to twitch as @@HE_1@@ begins to mutter what sounds like nuclear codes." I'd note that it may be reaching to assume he has access to nuclear codes, especially if he's so aggressive.

"We don't even know if the bombing is actually gonna happen. For all we know, Nassland might not even have nukes. So, I don't think we should jump to conclusions yet. Maybe we could send more spies over to see if there really is evidence. And if there isn't, then we can forget about the whole thing."

Here's where there's a big problem. You already have spies in your original premise figuring out the bombing is happening, so you shouldn't question it unless it's intentional on the speaker's part, otherwise it undermines the entire credibility of the issue. I'd suggest toning back the speaker's suggestions to something more like "Hold on a moment, we don't even know when or how or why this is happening, perhaps there's a more neutral solution besides going to war? Plus why do they want to bomb us anyways? (that's why but whatever)" Obviously not exactly like that, but you get the point. Speaking of which, perhaps it'd be interesting to figure out why Blackacre wants to blow up your station. To stop your advances in space? Because you somehow spited them? Perhaps it might be worth contextualizing this in the description, though if it doesn't work out it could definitely serve as an interesting question.

[option] "Why don't we just let it go?" suggests your Minister of Whatever, @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, as fiddling with a toy rocket. "After all, it was just a space station. We already have documents and recordings of people's experiences up there, so it's not like we need any more. Besides, if we really cared about them, we'd put a restaurant up there. How about a McZargald's? A Bonker Kong? What about Wordy's?" @@HE_3@@ drones on and on, listing fast food restaurants as @@HE_3@@ goes.

I have a few issues with this - First is that you've got what're basically two "crazy options". To fix this, I'd suggest reeling back option 1 to something less aggressive, and from there you could change Option 2 to more of a peaceful solution choice (or add one in with an interesting twist). Second is the reasoning - "if we really cared, we'd put up a restaurant". I get the sentiment, but this seems so... whatever. It suits the Minister's name, but it's out of place. It's a really weird pivot from "I don't care" to "let's build a restaurant" which isn't so much a nice twist as it is just boring. I think it could be interesting, though - something about space tourism? But I think it should at least address the option in some fashion besides "I don't care", unless "I don't care" is the core of the option and the solution is much more emphasized to be something random the character throws out. Just some thoughts.

There's definitely potential in this issue, but it needs to be balanced out a bit, IMO.

[Nooooooooooooooo]

-snip-

Gotcha.


And also I'm sorry to everyone that it took me a month to get back here.