[DRAFT] A Hairy Situation

[Jutsa]

OK, so I think you know which draft of mine made me think of this, and I'm aware that this one is kind of a weird one, even by my standards... but,
given the type of nations that this is going for... I

Title: A Hairy Situation
The Issue: As you were about to get your hair cut, your hair dresser was clubbed by a caveman.
Validity: Body integrity, maybe adult?

Option 1: "Stop! You can't do this!" cries the hairy mammoth. "My name is @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@. I represent the Peoples' Interest Group of Divine Physical Integrity. Is it not enshrined in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ law that we can not pierce or intentionally damage our bodies? Surely this means our hair and nails must remain pure, too!"
[effect] politicians are skeptical of bald writers

Option 2: "What the **** man?" cries your hair dresser with a perfect mustache, rolling around in shaving cream from a broken canister. "You can't ban hair cuts any more than you can ban dying your hair! Or dying your skin! Even if it's permanent! Maybe even getting some piercings to dangle nice jewelry from! I can't believe those things could ever be banned! I miss my old job." Some cream squirts from another canister between his legs.
[effect] body plans tend to have a lot more holes in them

Option 3: "Dying your skin will make your skin die. Trimming your hair will turn those split ends into a nice trim," suggests your hair dresser's stoic assistant, who happens to be a prophet of the Peoples' Interest Group for Holy Material Conservation. "Cosmetic surgery, hair dyes, makeup; these things hurt the body. Grooming and body preservation techniques proven beneficial to one's wellbeing, however, should be not only legal, but nationally mandated. We'll become a society that is nothing short of beautiful and perfect." @@HE@@ points a razor at the intruder.
[effect] it's fine to wear mud but not lipstick

Option 4: "Dear Violet..." cries your photographer, walking in expecting a photo op and getting more than @@HE@@ bargained for. "It's a caveman! And a bunch of other weird things! This will be great for your PR! Alright, @@LEADER@@, could you just lean a little to the left?"
[effect] photo ops of @@LEADER@@ shaking hands with Bigfoot are commonplace

Title: A Hairy Situation
The Issue: About to get your hair cut, your barber was clubbed by a caveman.
Validity: Body integrity, maybe adult?

Option 1: "Stop! You can't do this!" cries the hairy mammoth. "My name is @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@. I represent the Peoples' Interest Group of Divine Physical Integrity. Is it not enshrined in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ law that we can not pierce or intentionally damage our bodies? Surely this means our hair and nails must remain pure, too!"
[effect] politicians are skeptical of bald writers

Option 2: "What the **** man?" cries your barber with a perfect moustache, rolling around in shaving cream from a broken canistor. "You can't ban hair cuts any more than you can ban dying your hair! Or dying your skin! Even if it's perminent! Maybe even getting some piercings to dangle nice jewelry from! I can't believe those things could ever be banned! I miss my old job." Some cream squirts from another canistor between his legs.
[effect] body plans tend to have a lot more holes in them

Option 3: "Dying your skin will make your skin die. Trimming your hair will turn those split ends into a nice trim," suggests your barber's stoic assistant, who happens to be a prophet of the Peoples' Interest Group for Holy Material Conservation. "Cosmetic surgery, hair dyes, makeup; these things hurt the body. Grooming and body preservation techniques proven beneficial to one's wellbeing, however, should be not only legal, but nationally mandated. We'll become a society that is nothing short of beautiful and perfect." @@HE@@ points a razor at the intruder.
[effect] it's fine to wear mud but not lipstick

Option 4: "Dear Violet..." cries your photographer, walking in expecting a photo op and getting more than @@HE@@ bargained for. "It's a caveman! And a bunch of other weird things! This will be great for your PR! Alright, @@LEADER@@, could you just lean a little to the left?"
[effect] photo ops of @@LEADER@@ shaking hands with Bigfoot are commonplace

[Trotterdam]

The Issue: About to get your hair cut, your barber was clubbed by a caveman.

A caveman? Where even did a caveman show up from? Are there any caves in @@CAPITAL@@?

[Pythaga]

The Issue: About to get your hair cut, your barber was clubbed by a caveman.

A caveman? Where even did a caveman show up from? Are there any caves in @@CAPITAL@@?

I think saying "someone looking suspiciously like a caveman" would make a lot more sense than just caveman.

[Australian rePublic]

How can we assume that leader has a barber, rather than a hair dresser?

[Jutsa]

I think saying "someone looking suspiciously like a caveman" would make a lot more sense than just caveman.

It might make more "sense", but I think it's a lot more amusing this way. Plus I feel like option 1 kinda does a good job of putting it together.

How can we assume that leader has a barber, rather than a hair dresser?

We can't. Plus I think "your hair dresser was attacked by a caveman" is actually more amusing for some reason, so... changing that.

[Noahs Second Country]

Starting a sentence with "about" feels really odd to me.

I would suggest

As you were about to get your hair cut, your barber was clubbed by a caveman.

[Jutsa]

Agreed. Thanks.

Forgot to actually make the prior mentioned edits too lol

ed: done~

[Candlewhisper Archive]

You forgot to write [JOKE ISSUE].

Because this one doesn't work as a serious draft, of course.

[Jutsa]

Surely nations who've enforced body integrity would actually be likely to choose options 1 and 3, no?

With 4 being a nice scapegoat both ditching any strange law enforcement and addressing the wackiness aspect of the intro in a promotional way, surely?

(Admittedly the premise is a bit unpremisy but I was somewhat hoping the sheer lunacy of it would make up for that fact)