Persi wrote:Lately, reports have been flooding into your office about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@.
Move "about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@" just after the word "report". As is, it reads as if your office is specifically related to that problem.
@@RANDOMNAME_1@@, your national leader for the Environmental Programme pushed forth between the meat wall of environmentalists with a juvenile @@ANIMAL@@
1. It'd be swifter and less clunky to say "leader of the nation's Environmental Programme"
2. Comma after Programme
3. Try "parted the" instead. You could push a crowd apart with a rhino, but not a bee.
4. Missing a period at the end
" Leader, think of the @@ANIMALPLURAL@@, they've been taken from their habitat, and are being turned into Ngwane soup!
1. Remove the space between the opening quotation mark and the first letter
2. The comma after @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ should be a . and followed with a capitalization
3. Could shrink the next bit down to "They're being taken from their habitat and turned into Ngwane soup!"
Our national animal needs the upmost praise, but their elegance and petite charm entice those felons to capture them!
1. Utmost, not upmost
2. A "but" refers to a thing that is happening in contrast to the first statement. The second half does not suggest a contrast to praise. I'd suggest changing "utmost praise" to "protection".
3. Also, you can't guarantee that everyone's got an elegant and petite national animal (although there's certainly something funny about saying that in relation to a walrus).
They're disappearing left, right, upside-down and above!
Upside-down is a state of being, not a direction.
Look at this little @@ANIMAL@@, he lost his mom to those wretches! I say we wipe the Ngwane from @@NAME@@!!"
1. If you want an ongoing sentence, the comma should be a semicolon.
2. There's no need for excessive exclamation points. If the anger is properly communicated, one will do.
^Effect: environmentalists are the parents of the forest
This just doesn't hit me as anything.
With the ending of @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s speech, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, your militant advisor shoves @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to the side.
1. "With the ending of" is a bit awkward. Consider a slightly different way to open that.
2. What, exactly, is a militant advisor? Was this meant to say "military"?
3. Comma after advisor
With a bold and brute stance, stated his own mind
1. This is not a proper sentence. You either need to name him or use a pronoun.
2. In this instance, the description you want is "brutish".
3. He certainly wouldn't be stating anyone else's mind. Take out the "own".
4. You're missing a period.
"Leader, that's preposterous, I have a well sought out plan!
1. The second comma should be a period.
2. Well-thought-out, not well sought out.
We could spite them back for everything they did to you in the past!
"Spite them back" requires them to have been spiteful first, which is not necessarily implied. You could say "We could take revenge for" or "We could do it to spite them for".
While we're at it, we could possibly stick some boom booms on the elder Ngwane...
1. Try "perhaps we could stick" instead
2. What is a boom boom?
Nothing like a little ol' trouble will do anything to this prospering nation of yours! Will it?
1. That first sentence makes no sense to me whatsoever. I literally have no idea what it is trying to say.
2. Where does this accent come from all of a sudden?
Hey leader, if this makes ya feel better, those hermits will stop tormenting our @@ANIMAL@@ for good.."
1. Again, where does "ya" come from when he's been saying "you" up until now?
2. You could chop out the entire first half of this, start the sentence at "Those hermits", and end it with an exclamation point. He's been presenting his plan as a solution to the eating problem from the start. Trimming it to the back half of this quote makes it a confident declaration instead of a half-baked tie-in. If you insist on keeping it, however...
3. Comma after Hey
3. Leader should be capitalized
4. The "this" should be "it"
5. The tag should be for plural animals
6. Either reduce it to a period or go for a full ellipsis.
@@HE_2@@ makes "pew-pew" noises with @@HIS_2@@ toy soldier figures with a maniacal grin.
Maniacal grins don't make noises. Either reorder the sentence or make it "figures, grinning maniacally."
^Effect: militaries subject tribes to do all the hard work
1.
What hard work? Why is this mentioned? You didn't mention putting anyone to work in his plan. You are, in fact, sending them to a completely different nation altogether. They aren't even in your reach anymore.
2. Anyway. Unless your nation somehow has more than one military, that should be "the military subjects tribes to all the hard work"
While a boisterous argument insues, your Scientific Agent, Mr. @@RANDOMNAME_3@@ states his presence behind the wall of advisors.
1. Ensues, not insues.
2. A comma goes after the name.
3. How do you state a presence?
4. Whatever that is intended to mean, you would need a "from" before "behind".
Walking directly to your desk with a stern look, @@HE_3@@ unveils @@HIS_3@@ plans.
IDK. The first half of this just feels poorly constructed somehow. Can't put my finger on exactly why, but it does.
"Sir, this is the only logical way.."
Keep it to one dot.
@@HE_3@@ pushes up his glasses, "I say we keep the Ngwane here as experimental tools. Their tribe has been around centuries, and they may be the key to unlocking human evolution!
1. Period after "glasses", not a comma.
2. "As experimental tools" is not what you're looking for. An experimental tool would be someone combining a chainsaw with a socket wrench for the first time. Try "I say we use the Ngwane for experiments", or "I say we keep the Ngwane here as part of an experiment."
3. Should be "around for centuries".
4. ...The key to unlocking human evolution? What is there to unlock? How is studying the Ngwane going to cause intense mutation? I think you're looking for "understanding", but I'm not sure.
They've been surviving by eating uncooked meat and with primitive weapons!
As presented, this technically says they've been surviving by eating with primitive weapons. This needs a serious rewrite.
They're the peak of the stone age!
1. Stone Age is capitalized.
2. The Stone Age passed. They can't be the peak of it. You could say something like "They're a prime example of what life was like in the Stone Age!"
The Ngwane may dwindle scarcely under our care and suffer tremendously, but that's all in the name of science!
1. Needs to be "may suffer tremendously and dwindle under". Dwindling scarcely is not dwindling almost at all, and really the adjective would go first anyway. Also, you would want to put the suffering before the outcome of it; you don't die and
then experience misery.
Oh, @@REGION@@ may be at our doorstep too.."
Needs to be three dots. And
I get that you mean someone will come over for some sort of fight, but that's still an awkward way to say it.
science surveillance the past
1. It'd be "surveils", not "surveillance".
2. This isn't a new thing. Science often looks toward the past. That's actually the entire point of some disciplines, in fact. This is a non-effect.
Stopping the rambunctious tone, three of your bodyguards escorted with firm grip a tattered old woman, face flush with smiles of joy.
1. What rambunctious tone? The science guy wasn't shown to be and didn't come off as rambunctious.
2. The structure of this sentence implies the bodyguards' faces are flush with smiles of joy.
3. The part that says "three of your bodyguards escorted with firm grip a tattered old woman" is poorly written in general.
4. You wouldn't call an old woman tattered unless she was literally falling apart and shredded up. Her clothes could be tattered, but she wouldn't be.
As she was lain before you and your assembly of advisors, she wasted no time to yap.
1. "As she was lain" is passive. Reorder and rewrite the sentence.
2. Should be "yapping" instead of "to yap".
"Leader, for so long you've neglected us of poverty..
1. Comma after long.
2. Stick with a period at the end.
3. "Neglected us of poverty" is poor phrasing. You might say "neglected the poor" or "neglected those of us who live in poverty".
Our communities are bare of food that our own bodies encave and eats itself.
1. The word "bodies", being plural, conflicts with "itself", which is singular. Also, you don't need the "own", as it's clear she's already talking about her group.
2. I think you're looking for "cave in" instead of "encave".
3. Try "are so bereft of food".
My community wished not to die, and turned to the copious ammounts of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ in the wild!
Amounts.
The Ngwane showed us they have the right idea.
I find this kind of odd. If the Ngwane gave them the idea, it should say that as a reflection of the order in which it happened. If the Ngwane did it after the poor people, it should say that the Ngwane showed the poor people
they had the right idea. If the old woman
is one of the Ngwane, this makes no sense for her to say.
With a quick showing of hands, she pulled out a @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ cake,
1. Should say "After a quick show of hands,"
2. Tag should be for a single animal as it's describing what a single cake is made with.
3. Sentence should end in a period, not a comma.
"Please leader, let the whole populous know how wonderful our national animal can loathe our taste-buds!!"
1. Comma after the first word.
2. You want the word "populace"--populous is an adjective describing the size of a population.
3. I'm not sure what you were going for with "loathe". Something that is wonderful is not also loathsome.
4. No hyphen in "taste buds".
5. Again, avoid excessive exclamation point use. One will do fine.
@@ANIMAL@@ Popsicles sell nationally.
1. Popsicles should be lowercase.
2. It would be better said as "nationwide" instead of "nationally".
3. Something can be sold nationwide, yes. That does not mean it sells well, let alone sells out. If you want to really push the concept of people going wild for eating foods made from the national animal as a result of this decision, you need to emphasize the success enjoyed by that product.
Now, I will further note that you have several instances of bad tense switching in this issue. Review them all, pick the past or the present as your guide, and stay in that tense. This issue is also REALLY wordy. Try to say more with less--trim out excess or redundant information and rework your sentences to contain a maximum of punch in a minimum of words. The more someone has to scroll and read, the more likely it is their eyes will glaze over.
Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2020 7:06 am
