[DRAFT] Tribal Witchery

[Persi]

Title: "Tribal Witchery"

Issue: Lately, @@ANIMAL@@ disappearance reports have been flooding into your office. The cause seems to be the Ngwane Tribe, known for their ritual sacrifice and consumption of these animals. With environmentalists clamoring about the safety of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and the threat the Ngwane may bring, people swarm your office for a resolution.

Validity: Nations that don't digest their national animal.

Option 1: @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, your leader of the nation's Environmental Programme, parted between the wall of environmentalists with a juvenile @@ANIMAL@@ ."Leader, think of the @@ANIMALPLURAL@@. They've been taken from their habitat and turned into Ngwane soup! Our national animal needs the utmost praise, but their stature and petite charm entice those felons to capture them. They're disappearing left, right, down, and above! Look at this little @@ANIMAL@@; he lost his mom to those wretches. I say we wipe the Ngwane from @@NAME@@!"

^Effect: bringing a small animal to the government brings your neighbor into jail

Option 2: Concluding @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s speech, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, your military advisor, shoves @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to the side. With a bold and brutish stance, he states his mind. "Leader, that's preposterous. I have a well thought out plan! Why not relocate those Ngwane to Blackacre? We could do it to spite them for the past election poll riggings! While we're at it, perhaps we could stick some incendiaries on the elder Ngwane... Minuscule trouble won't do anything to this prospering nation, right? Those hermits will stop tormenting our @@ANIMAL@@ for good.." @@HE_2@@ makes "pew-pew" noises with @@HIS_2@@ figures, grinning maniacally.

^Effect: the military subjects tribes to all the hard work

Option 3: While a boisterous argument ensues, your Scientific Agent, Mr. @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, states his presence from behind the wall of advisors. Sauntering to your desk with a stony look, @@HE_3@@ unveils @@HIS_3@@ plans. "Sir, this is the only logical way." @@HE_3@@ pushes up his glasses. "I say we use the Ngwane for experiments. Their tribe has been around for centuries, and they may be the key to understanding human evolution! They've been surviving by eating with primitive weapons. They're a prime example of what life was like in the Stone Age! Just let the science agency oversee everything. The Ngwane may suffer tremendously and dwindle under our care, but that's all in the name of science! Prepare for @@REGION@@ to start knocking on our door..."

^Effect: life simulators are owned by scientists

Option 4: Stopping the mellow tone, a trio of bodyguards escorted in an elder woman, her face flush with joy. As she lay before your assembly of advisors, she wasted no time yapping. "Leader, for so long, you've neglected those of us who live in poverty. Our communities are so bereft of food that our bodies encave and eat themselves. My community wished not to die, and turned to the copious amounts of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ in the wild! The Ngwane showed us we had the right idea. Why should we treat the national animal any differently than the others!?" After a quick show of hands, she pulled out a @@ANIMAL@@ popsicle. "Please, leader, let the whole populace know how wonderful our national animal can marvel our taste buds!"

^Effect: @@ANIMAL@@ popsicles are the new craze.

[Tinhampton]

The first point I made about your presentation of Splash Headfirst applies here:

Why do you feel the need to spoiler your options but not your description?

Option 1: "she" ---> "@@HE_1@@"
Option 2: "he" ---> "@@HE_2@@"

[LollerLand]

The first point I made about your presentation of Splash Headfirst applies here:

Why do you feel the need to spoiler your options but not your description?

Could be his personal preference. I fail to see how that is really a problem.

[Ko-oren]

@@ANIMAL@@ could be a creature that doesn't live in forests.

The options are far too long (especially #1).

Option #1 still has a 'her' where a @@HIS@@ should be, and a she where a @@HE@@ should be.

Option #2 still has a 'his' instead of @@HIS@@. Also having the @@HIS_1@@ followed by @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ is going to confuse people.

What's the deal with option 3, why should anyone go for it and how does it relate to the issue? 'Your niece' is a character that shows up from time to time without the childish voice, so this could be a different niece, or else I suggest removing the 'w's.

[Hellslayer]

@@ANIMAL@@ could be a creature that doesn't live in forests.

The options are far too long (especially #1).

Option #1 still has a 'her' where a @@HIS@@ should be, and a she where a @@HE@@ should be.

Option #2 still has a 'his' instead of @@HIS@@. Also having the @@HIS_1@@ followed by @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ is going to confuse people.

What's the deal with option 3, why should anyone go for it and how does it relate to the issue? 'Your niece' is a character that shows up from time to time without the childish voice, so this could be a different niece, or else I suggest removing the 'w's.

Agreed, option 3 is a bit irrelevant, I think you should edit it a bit. The basic topic is good, but it needs a bit more work.

[Persi]

The first point I made about your presentation of Splash Headfirst applies here:

Why do you feel the need to spoiler your options but not your description?

Option 1: "she" ---> "@@HE_1@@"
Option 2: "he" ---> "@@HE_2@@"

It's personal preference, yes. Thank you for the Option 1 + 2 errors, missed them!

[Persi]

@@ANIMAL@@ could be a creature that doesn't live in forests.
Also having the @@HIS_1@@ followed by @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ is going to confuse people.

What's the deal with option 3, why should anyone go for it and how does it relate to the issue? 'Your niece' is a character that shows up from time to time without the childish voice, so this could be a different niece, or else I suggest removing the 'w's.

Thank you, I understand how @@ANIMAL@@ can also live in another habitat. I'll take it into account and edit.
I fixed them!

[SherpDaWerp]

Personal preference the formatting may be, but does make the draft annoying to read.

your neighboring nation, Rubar,

Why Rubar? Surely there's an already existing NPC nation somewhere here that would work.

Nations with low Civil Rights.

What's with the low-civil-rights bit? At best it feels tacked-on when it's brought up at the end of option 1, and it's needlessly restricting the nations that can receive this issue. I would suggest dropping it and removing the references at the end of Option 1.

I'm a little lady y'know?"
Effect: little ladies are seen as capable advisors

It feels like you added the "little lady" thing to the end of the option for no reason other than to have an effect line. Try and think of an effect line that works without relying entirely on the characterisation inherent in the option.

Your grammar, word choice and sentence structure are a bit garbled. If you can, try and make it flow more naturally.

[Persi]

Alright, I did a whole revamp of the entire issue and made it a nice tribal conflict. I couldn't seem to fit an NPC nation in the description with poachers, so I made it work best for myself! I redid opt. 3, but tell me anything else wrong with it if you spot anything!

[Drasnia]

Issue: Lately, there have been reports by naturalists flooding to your office about the disappearance of various species of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and many marine and landlife. The captures were from the Ngwane Tribe, known for their rituals. With environmentalists pounding for the safety of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and the threat the Ngwane may bring, you choose a resolution.

I'm actually a little surprised that we don't really have any issues where the core is about religious rituals concerning animals. The closest I could find was #333 (I know that this isn't actually about animal sacrifice, but as I said it was the closest I could think of) so I think you have a good core idea.

What I think this needs though to make it more punchy is to make these animal disappearances a more pressing matter - not just "oh man I wish there were more @@ANIMALPLURAL@@" type of deal. Maybe the Ngwane tribe will only settle for one very specific species of @@ANIMAL@@ and has driven it to the brink of extinction. Use your imagination. It just needs more gravitas to make it a pressing issue.

Validity: Nations with moderate environment.

I don't comment on validities that often, but I think this should be a more general issue than moderate environment. Really the only limiter would be if tribes/religion are allowed, not what the environment is like.

Option 1: @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, your national leader for the Environmental Programme trudged in with dirt-filled hands and a muddied face, vocalized loudly @@HIS_1@@ opinion. Pacing the room with no care for @@HIS_1@@ attire. " Leader, you know me well, and we both know what these Ngwane want of our dear wildlife.. I say no to witches, for we must take action for our cute animals! We all know the prosperity they bring to our eco-system, so we musn't stand by! What will @@REGION@@ think of us when we let those felons run free doing witchcraft on our tiny creatures?" With a gulp, @@HE_1@@ carries on. " It's sad to see those BEINGS taking advantage of our royal beasts, so we must evacuate all Ngwane from our forests peacefully! Can't say if they'll be the same.."

You have mismatched verb tenses in this. Some stuff is in past while other stuff is in present. Present tense is the default in issues so keep that in mind while writing.

This option is very unfocused. You have a long descriptive intro that accomplishes nothing a much shorter one could. If it's going to be long, it needs to either serve an important narrative purpose or be funny. All you're saying is he's dirty. Ditto on the "With a gulp, @@HE_1@@ carries on" interrupt in the middle. It really disrupts the flow of the option. Then you have multiple unconnected calls to action with very little in between to give them any weight. This guy doesn't come across as persuasive at all. Make more of his opinion about how disappearing @@ANIMAL@@s would be bad and wrap up with one call to action (forcibly relocate the Nganwe).

130 is far too many words for most options IMO. When I was actively drafting I tried to keep it down to around 80, with 100 being about the max I was comfortable using in most issues. Brevity is the soul of wit and all that. Really a lot of the length could be trimmed just from rewriting the speaker's intro.

Option 2: With the ending of @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s speech, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, your militant advisor shoves @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to the side. With a bold and brute stance, stated his own mind "Leader, that's preposterous! We could use the Ngwane to our advantage. You know how much trouble we have with rodents running around in our cities and returning to their green sanctuary..We'll let the Ngwane take care of them! Don't worry about @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and the others, they reproduce slowly but surely. We should let them continue their witchery business, but once they get rid of every single blood-crawler in @@NAME@@.." @@HE_2@@ makes "pew-pew" noises with @@HIS_2@@ toy soldier figures with a maniacal grin.

So I had trouble following this option. How are the Ngwane going to take care of a rodent problem? Are they somehow going to use @@ANIMAL@@s to hunt rodents? Are the Ngwane themselves going to be the rodent hunters?

This option feels more like the wacky third option, not the more serious second option. I envision something like this being said by the Minister of Creative Solutions or some other obscure and humorous bureaucrat. I did really like the part at the end with the toy soldiers. Definitely keep that if possible.

Option 3: While a boisterous argument insues, your niece sneaks in through the commotion and finds herself at your desk. In a high pitched voice, she muffles in your ear " Hello, I have a good plan! Why not relocate those Ngwane to Blackacre? We could them back for everything they did to you in the past! Nothing like a little ol' trouble will do anything to this prospering nation of yours! Will it?"

This feels more appropriate for your military advisor for option 2. Really all it would need if you did that would be to make it a little bit snappier and a bit more racist/jingoistic.

I hope my critique didn't come across too negatively. I think it has a lot of promise and I want to see future drafts. Keep on writing!

[Persi]

Thank you for the immense feedback, I took even more time to map out this draft and put all into play. It isn't perfect, but with the advice given, I'll be able to plan for future drafts like this! Thanks.

[Persi]

I'll give this draft 3 more days before submitting.

[Tinhampton]

I'll give this draft 1 more day before submitting.

Issues usually take weeks (if not months) to draft - unless this is, of course, a returning author from way back when. (Also, most of your actual issue is in italics - somehow.) :scared_cat:

[Persi]

I'll give this draft 1 more day before submitting.

Issues usually take weeks (if not months) to draft - unless this is, of course, a returning author from way back when. (Also, most of your actual issue is in italics - somehow.) :scared_cat:

Issues don't need to take weeks or months to officially draft. It's whether the author gets well sufficient feedback on his/her piece to implement it into the writing. The factor is if you can provide a well enough confidential topic within your suited time-frame that you're proud of.

[Aynia Moreaux]

In option 3:

The Ngwane may dwindle scarcely, suffer tremendously but that's all in the name of science! Oh, @@REGION@@ may be at our doorstep too.."

I think you mean to say @@ANIMAL@@, not Ngwane. I'd imagine the Ngwane would keep doing fine, but the animals numbers would dwindle.

[Club Lux]

I don't think the title is very representative of what the actual issue is, honestly. Also, while I think this is a great idea, it needs a lot more polish before you submit it
For one, the issue itself just doesn't fit well with how NS Issues tend to be. I suggest something more along these lines:

Issue: Lately, reports have been flooding into your office about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@. The cause seems to be the Ngwane Tribe, known for their ritual sacrifice and consumption of these animals. With environmentalists clamoring about the safety of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and the threat the Ngwane may bring, people swarm your office for a resolution.

Also, I don't think climate really matters for this one? Not only moderate climates would have this kind of thing going on. I suggest a wider validity such as "Nations who do not eat their national animal" perhaps? Or maybe "Nations who do not have protections on their national animal"
I also would suggest putting more national animal related options. These options are pretty decent, but shouldn't there be an option with the idea like "They have the right idea, why should we treat the national animal any different than the others? Let's eat them too!" (and of course this could be an option that only shows up for those that don't eat their national animal)

(also, this just needs some general cleaning up for grammar before it gets submitted imo)

[Australian rePublic]

What exactly is the tribe doing with these animals?

[Club Lux]

What exactly is the tribe doing with these animals?

they've been taken from their habitat, and are being turned into Ngwane soup!

[Persi]

In option 3:

The Ngwane may dwindle scarcely, suffer tremendously but that's all in the name of science! Oh, @@REGION@@ may be at our doorstep too.."

I think you mean to say @@ANIMAL@@, not Ngwane. I'd imagine the Ngwane would keep doing fine, but the animals numbers would dwindle.

What the scientist is saying is that his scientific agency wishes to oversee the Ngwane, not @@ANIMAL@@. The Ngwane would dwindle because of the experiments they'd do, not of it will involve the @@ANIMAL@@, just Ngwane. My bad if you didn't get the point at first, Miss Ayu!

[Persi]

I don't think the title is very representative of what the actual issue is, honestly. Also, while I think this is a great idea, it needs a lot more polish before you submit it
For one, the issue itself just doesn't fit well with how NS Issues tend to be. I suggest something more along these lines:

Issue: Lately, reports have been flooding into your office about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@. The cause seems to be the Ngwane Tribe, known for their ritual sacrifice and consumption of these animals. With environmentalists clamoring about the safety of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ and the threat the Ngwane may bring, people swarm your office for a resolution.

Also, I don't think climate really matters for this one? Not only moderate climates would have this kind of thing going on. I suggest a wider validity such as "Nations who do not eat their national animal" perhaps? Or maybe "Nations who do not have protections on their national animal"
I also would suggest putting more national animal related options. These options are pretty decent, but shouldn't there be an option with the idea like "They have the right idea, why should we treat the national animal any different than the others? Let's eat them too!" (and of course this could be an option that only shows up for those that don't eat their national animal)

(also, this just needs some general cleaning up for grammar before it gets submitted imo)

Thank you for that extremee stream-lined refinement of my issue, I used it. I can't believe how inter-connect you are with finding excellent solutions! I added a fourth option to give more varying in them all! I never thought of the National Animal consumption option, thanks!

[Persi]

Alright, I assume everyone has finished their critiques?

[Snakeden]

Lately, reports have been flooding into your office about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@.

Move "about the disappearance of many @@ANIMALPLURAL@@" just after the word "report". As is, it reads as if your office is specifically related to that problem.

@@RANDOMNAME_1@@, your national leader for the Environmental Programme pushed forth between the meat wall of environmentalists with a juvenile @@ANIMAL@@

1. It'd be swifter and less clunky to say "leader of the nation's Environmental Programme"
2. Comma after Programme
3. Try "parted the" instead. You could push a crowd apart with a rhino, but not a bee.
4. Missing a period at the end

" Leader, think of the @@ANIMALPLURAL@@, they've been taken from their habitat, and are being turned into Ngwane soup!

1. Remove the space between the opening quotation mark and the first letter
2. The comma after @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ should be a . and followed with a capitalization
3. Could shrink the next bit down to "They're being taken from their habitat and turned into Ngwane soup!"

Our national animal needs the upmost praise, but their elegance and petite charm entice those felons to capture them!

1. Utmost, not upmost
2. A "but" refers to a thing that is happening in contrast to the first statement. The second half does not suggest a contrast to praise. I'd suggest changing "utmost praise" to "protection".
3. Also, you can't guarantee that everyone's got an elegant and petite national animal (although there's certainly something funny about saying that in relation to a walrus).

They're disappearing left, right, upside-down and above!

Upside-down is a state of being, not a direction.

Look at this little @@ANIMAL@@, he lost his mom to those wretches! I say we wipe the Ngwane from @@NAME@@!!"

1. If you want an ongoing sentence, the comma should be a semicolon.
2. There's no need for excessive exclamation points. If the anger is properly communicated, one will do.

^Effect: environmentalists are the parents of the forest

This just doesn't hit me as anything.

With the ending of @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s speech, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, your militant advisor shoves @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to the side.

1. "With the ending of" is a bit awkward. Consider a slightly different way to open that.
2. What, exactly, is a militant advisor? Was this meant to say "military"?
3. Comma after advisor

With a bold and brute stance, stated his own mind

1. This is not a proper sentence. You either need to name him or use a pronoun.
2. In this instance, the description you want is "brutish".
3. He certainly wouldn't be stating anyone else's mind. Take out the "own".
4. You're missing a period.

"Leader, that's preposterous, I have a well sought out plan!

1. The second comma should be a period.
2. Well-thought-out, not well sought out.

We could spite them back for everything they did to you in the past!

"Spite them back" requires them to have been spiteful first, which is not necessarily implied. You could say "We could take revenge for" or "We could do it to spite them for".

While we're at it, we could possibly stick some boom booms on the elder Ngwane...

1. Try "perhaps we could stick" instead
2. What is a boom boom?

Nothing like a little ol' trouble will do anything to this prospering nation of yours! Will it?

1. That first sentence makes no sense to me whatsoever. I literally have no idea what it is trying to say.
2. Where does this accent come from all of a sudden?

Hey leader, if this makes ya feel better, those hermits will stop tormenting our @@ANIMAL@@ for good.."

1. Again, where does "ya" come from when he's been saying "you" up until now?
2. You could chop out the entire first half of this, start the sentence at "Those hermits", and end it with an exclamation point. He's been presenting his plan as a solution to the eating problem from the start. Trimming it to the back half of this quote makes it a confident declaration instead of a half-baked tie-in. If you insist on keeping it, however...
3. Comma after Hey
3. Leader should be capitalized
4. The "this" should be "it"
5. The tag should be for plural animals
6. Either reduce it to a period or go for a full ellipsis.

@@HE_2@@ makes "pew-pew" noises with @@HIS_2@@ toy soldier figures with a maniacal grin.

Maniacal grins don't make noises. Either reorder the sentence or make it "figures, grinning maniacally."

^Effect: militaries subject tribes to do all the hard work

1. What hard work? Why is this mentioned? You didn't mention putting anyone to work in his plan. You are, in fact, sending them to a completely different nation altogether. They aren't even in your reach anymore.
2. Anyway. Unless your nation somehow has more than one military, that should be "the military subjects tribes to all the hard work"

While a boisterous argument insues, your Scientific Agent, Mr. @@RANDOMNAME_3@@ states his presence behind the wall of advisors.

1. Ensues, not insues.
2. A comma goes after the name.
3. How do you state a presence?
4. Whatever that is intended to mean, you would need a "from" before "behind".

Walking directly to your desk with a stern look, @@HE_3@@ unveils @@HIS_3@@ plans.

IDK. The first half of this just feels poorly constructed somehow. Can't put my finger on exactly why, but it does.

"Sir, this is the only logical way.."

Keep it to one dot.

@@HE_3@@ pushes up his glasses, "I say we keep the Ngwane here as experimental tools. Their tribe has been around centuries, and they may be the key to unlocking human evolution!

1. Period after "glasses", not a comma.
2. "As experimental tools" is not what you're looking for. An experimental tool would be someone combining a chainsaw with a socket wrench for the first time. Try "I say we use the Ngwane for experiments", or "I say we keep the Ngwane here as part of an experiment."
3. Should be "around for centuries".
4. ...The key to unlocking human evolution? What is there to unlock? How is studying the Ngwane going to cause intense mutation? I think you're looking for "understanding", but I'm not sure.

They've been surviving by eating uncooked meat and with primitive weapons!

As presented, this technically says they've been surviving by eating with primitive weapons. This needs a serious rewrite.

They're the peak of the stone age!

1. Stone Age is capitalized.
2. The Stone Age passed. They can't be the peak of it. You could say something like "They're a prime example of what life was like in the Stone Age!"

The Ngwane may dwindle scarcely under our care and suffer tremendously, but that's all in the name of science!

1. Needs to be "may suffer tremendously and dwindle under". Dwindling scarcely is not dwindling almost at all, and really the adjective would go first anyway. Also, you would want to put the suffering before the outcome of it; you don't die and then experience misery.

Oh, @@REGION@@ may be at our doorstep too.."

Needs to be three dots. And I get that you mean someone will come over for some sort of fight, but that's still an awkward way to say it.

science surveillance the past

1. It'd be "surveils", not "surveillance".
2. This isn't a new thing. Science often looks toward the past. That's actually the entire point of some disciplines, in fact. This is a non-effect.

Stopping the rambunctious tone, three of your bodyguards escorted with firm grip a tattered old woman, face flush with smiles of joy.

1. What rambunctious tone? The science guy wasn't shown to be and didn't come off as rambunctious.
2. The structure of this sentence implies the bodyguards' faces are flush with smiles of joy.
3. The part that says "three of your bodyguards escorted with firm grip a tattered old woman" is poorly written in general.
4. You wouldn't call an old woman tattered unless she was literally falling apart and shredded up. Her clothes could be tattered, but she wouldn't be.

As she was lain before you and your assembly of advisors, she wasted no time to yap.

1. "As she was lain" is passive. Reorder and rewrite the sentence.
2. Should be "yapping" instead of "to yap".

"Leader, for so long you've neglected us of poverty..

1. Comma after long.
2. Stick with a period at the end.
3. "Neglected us of poverty" is poor phrasing. You might say "neglected the poor" or "neglected those of us who live in poverty".

Our communities are bare of food that our own bodies encave and eats itself.

1. The word "bodies", being plural, conflicts with "itself", which is singular. Also, you don't need the "own", as it's clear she's already talking about her group.
2. I think you're looking for "cave in" instead of "encave".
3. Try "are so bereft of food".

My community wished not to die, and turned to the copious ammounts of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ in the wild!

Amounts.

The Ngwane showed us they have the right idea.

I find this kind of odd. If the Ngwane gave them the idea, it should say that as a reflection of the order in which it happened. If the Ngwane did it after the poor people, it should say that the Ngwane showed the poor people they had the right idea. If the old woman is one of the Ngwane, this makes no sense for her to say.

With a quick showing of hands, she pulled out a @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ cake,

1. Should say "After a quick show of hands,"
2. Tag should be for a single animal as it's describing what a single cake is made with.
3. Sentence should end in a period, not a comma.

"Please leader, let the whole populous know how wonderful our national animal can loathe our taste-buds!!"

1. Comma after the first word.
2. You want the word "populace"--populous is an adjective describing the size of a population.
3. I'm not sure what you were going for with "loathe". Something that is wonderful is not also loathsome.
4. No hyphen in "taste buds".
5. Again, avoid excessive exclamation point use. One will do fine.

@@ANIMAL@@ Popsicles sell nationally.

1. Popsicles should be lowercase.
2. It would be better said as "nationwide" instead of "nationally".
3. Something can be sold nationwide, yes. That does not mean it sells well, let alone sells out. If you want to really push the concept of people going wild for eating foods made from the national animal as a result of this decision, you need to emphasize the success enjoyed by that product.

Now, I will further note that you have several instances of bad tense switching in this issue. Review them all, pick the past or the present as your guide, and stay in that tense. This issue is also REALLY wordy. Try to say more with less--trim out excess or redundant information and rework your sentences to contain a maximum of punch in a minimum of words. The more someone has to scroll and read, the more likely it is their eyes will glaze over.

[Persi]

Thank you Snakedan! I was quite an in awe once I found out how many errors I still had engraved in my issue. I implemented everything said, taking advice from everyone who was here! Sorry for the late reply, couldn't message at the time.

[Persi]

Guess I'll send it officially!