[DRAFT] Click, Boom

[Westinor]

Weird description, can’t get the wording right (again )
I can’t figure out how to reword the description correctly, help would be appreciated
Also, is @@LASTNAME_1@@ an acceptable macro?

[title] Click, Boom

[desc] A tie in the mayoral election of @@ANIMAL@@ City sparked controversy after incumbent mayor @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ challenged his opponent to a duel and subsequently killed him. People all over @@NAME@@ are calling for @@LASTNAME_1@@ to be charged with murder, but @@HE_1@@ has argued that the other candidate agreed to the terms of the duel, freeing him from any legal repercussions.
[validity] Elections, guns, high political freedom?

[option] "It shouldn't be my fault the blithering idiot thought he could best me in a duel!" shouts the newly elected mayor as @@HE_1@@ shines his .44 Magnum. "Everyone knows I fire the fastest shots on this side of @@NAME@@. Why, duels should be the standard way of resolving ties! It tests the qualities a good politician needs — quick thinking, precision, no hesitation, and a lack of moral fiber. Plus, it's an agreeable alternative to those god-awful expensive recounts — do you know how much money I spend paying off the counters—uh, I mean how much money those cost the taxpayers? Implement tiebreaker duels — it's a win-win! Except for the guy that dies, of course."
[effect] politicians are regularly shot in impromptu duels of honor

[option] "Sounds to me like somebody's got a money making idea!" exclaims game show host @@RANDOMNAME@@, who bullied a man into crying on @@HIS@@ show last night. "Put these duels on my show, and my ratings will go up, up, up! We can even add special features — like sharks! Oh, sharks falling from the ceiling! That explode! All to the sound of beautiful applause — yes, I see it coming together, yes…"
[effect] electoral ties are death sentences for politicians

[option] "I don't see why we can’t decide an election by duel." comments mob boss @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ steps out of @@HIS@@ two-hundred foot long limousine. "Why, how about we round up all the candidates, give each one a gun, and lock 'em in a room? That should solve all your problems."
[effect] don't bring a knife to an election

[option] "You've got to arrest @@HIM_1@@!" yells liberal politician @@RANDOMNAM@@ as @@HE@@ eyes the mayor’s firearm. "We can't have politicians running around with guns! Any politician that could potentially provoke violence should be jailed. No person with harmful intent should wield the power of government!"
[effect] politicians taking their children to martial arts class are arrested

Draft 1 Below! Rewritten

[title] Click, Boom

[desc] Two gun store owners recently made a bang when their 'Duel of honor', involving them both shooting at each other, was broadcast live on multiple local news outlets. One of the shop owners was fatally wounded by a shot to the chest, while the other stood standing after sustaining a bullet to the knee. Outrage on social media has shot right off the charts, with many calling on the government to ban this outrageous practice.
[validity] Nations with guns, high weaponization(?), free media, internet,, high civil rights(?)

[option] "What kind of idiots would risk their lives in a stunt like this?" blasts liberal politician @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ eyes a nearby guard's firearm suspiciously. "We can't have people shooting at each other to protect their honor! Ban these 'duels of honor'. It's the only way to keep these wackjobs safe from each other."
[effect] shouting police with guns drawn are accused of holding 'Duels of honor'

[option] "I won't let the government throw away my shot!" yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, the victorious shop owner in question as @@HE@@ enters the room. "Duels of honor are a practical way for citizens to settle our differences! We don't need some nanny state or a lawyer to tell us what's right and wrong! Hey @@LEADER@@, how about we settle this right here, right now?" Your security tackles @@HIM@@ before @@HE@@ can make another move.
[effect] most crises in @@NAME@@ are resolved with a Desert Eagle .50

[option] "Why, I have a solution for you!" exclaims Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, who teaches about lasers in @@CAPITAL@@ University "If we arm duelists with some light emitting guns, and have them put on this vest, then — ta-da! These guns shoot harmless beams of light, so when someone wants to duel, the first person to get 'hit' loses and no one gets hurt! All you have to do is distribute these, and you create a fun and safer @@NAME@@!"
[effect] duels of honor often devolve into laser tag fights

[Socio Polor]

Two gun store owners recently made a bang when their 'duel of honor'"Duel of Honor",

Don't have enough time to give more corrections, but I managed to catch the above one right away.

[Westinor]

Edited, thanks!

[Socio Polor]

Aaannnd I'm back to give a more extensive look, here we go:

Two gun store owners recently made a bang when their 'Duel of Honor', involving them both shooting at each other, was broadcast live on multiple local news outlets. One of the shop owners was severely injured by a shot to the chest, while the other stood standing after sustaining a bullet to the knee. Outrage on social media has shot right off the charts, with many calling on the government to ban this outrageous practice.

Now, this premise seemed familiar to me with the whole duel thing, so I ran a search in the issue base and found only one issue: #965 that references duels in the 4th option. Seeing that this issue discusses outlawing the activity, if accepted, 965 will have to be rewritten a bit. Just something you should probably be aware of.

Not sure what word to use as opposed to “spoils” in effect line 1. Let me know what you think!

hunters claim that their spoils attacked them

What are spoils again?

"Duels of hHonor are a practical way for citizens to settle our differences!

duels of honor often devolve into laser tag fights

capitalize Duels of Honor here as well seeing that it's a proper noun

[option] "Does anyone really think there's any better option than to ban guns?" inquires left-wing activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Honestly, what use is there for a civilian to have guns? Just take them all away, for Violet's sake. It's really not that hard."

Seeing as though there's a good amount of issues in-game that bans guns, I'm not sure if an option like this is necessary here. You can keep it, though see if you can come up with something else, something extreme.

All in all, I like this West, well written, good luck!

[Westinor]

Aaannnd I'm back to give a more extensive look, here we go:

Now, this premise seemed familiar to me with the whole duel thing, so I ran a search in the issue base and found only one issue: #965 that references duels in the 4th option. Seeing that this issue discusses outlawing the activity, if accepted, 965 will have to be rewritten a bit. Just something you should probably be aware of.


What are spoils again?


capitalize Duels of Honor here as well seeing that it's a proper noun

Seeing as though there's a good amount of issues in-game that bans guns, I'm not sure if an option like this is necessary here. You can keep it, though see if you can come up with something else, something extreme.

All in all, I like this West, well written, good luck!

Thanks! :3

Spoils refer to the animals hunters kill. Not sure if that's the correct word for what I'm trying to convey though (as apparent in your obvious confusion.)

And you're right on the gun-banning thing - I'm going to try and rewrite that to be a more interesting option. Thanks!

[Australian rePublic]

We already have issues about gun control. This should be exclusive to duels

[Trotterdam]

We already have issues about gun control. This should be exclusive to duels

We also already have issues about duels. So should this be exclusive to guns...?

[Westinor]

I took out option four, which seems to put the focus on guns. The focus is on gun-specific duels, though I understand that if the issue focused more on the lethality of practices rather than the actual practice of it it might seem less “duels” and less “guns”. I’ll try to edit it as such, thanks!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

As a rule of thumb, we'll often reject issues if the opening premise doesn't land, without even reading any further. This is one of those issues that wouldn't pass that first hurdle, so let's try and get the opening premise right first.

[desc] Two gun store owners recently made a bang when their 'Duel of hnor', involving them both shooting at each other, was broadcast live on multiple local news outlets.

Spelling mistakes aside, this is just an awful sentence. The phrasing is awkward and clumsy, and it doesn't flow like colloquial English ought to. Also, it transmits all the wrong information. Don't spend words on detail that doesn't establish the dilemma, but DO put in relevant information.

Like, for example... What exactly is the issue here?

One of the shop owners was fatally wounded by a shot to the chest, while the other stood standing after sustaining a bullet to the knee.

Again, very clumsy English.
Stood standing? Fatally wounded by a shot to the chest?
You no speaky proper Englishee, good fella.

Simultaneously it also breaks verisimilitude. People don't stay standing after being shot in the knee.

Outrage on social media has shot right off the charts, with many calling on the government to ban this outrageous practice.

This is a redundant sentence, of the sort that basically says "There is an issue because there is an issue that people are concerned may be an issue."

Step it back. Work out what the dilemma is actually about. Find the conflict. Find the question.

Then impart to us that Issue in clear and simple English.

[Westinor]

Okay, I'll get to doing that. Thank you!

[Westinor]

Updated, not sure I hit the mark. Going to come back to this later. Let me know what you think!

[Drasnia]

This just seems like a mixture of #131 and #594. I'm struggling to see how it's unique enough to be its own issue.

[Westinor]

This just seems like a mixture of #131 and #594. I'm struggling to see how it's unique enough to be its own issue.

Good point :/ agh I dunno what to do