[SUBMITTED - 7/03/2020] Time To Take Out Delivery?

[Westinor]

Is the description in the correct tense? It seems a bit wonky but if the player's current action is walking towards the car then the first sentence should be past tense right? Not sure :p

[title] Time to Take Out Delivery?

[desc] You were on your way to work this morning when you noticed your nephew's car parked nearby your office. As you pass by it, a pungent smell washes over you, and as you get closer you begin to hear thunderous snoring. You look through the window to find your nephew, fast asleep in the backseat, surrounded by pizza boxes and week-old newspapers.
[validity] Has cars, personal taxi services not banned, minimum wage, no universal healthcare

[option] "Huh-? Oh, hey there!" mumbles your nephew, as he sits up only to find himself trapped by a confusing entanglement of seatbelts. "Sorry you had to find me like this, I've been driving around for the past two days, getting food thrown at me by irate clients and all the while being paid under the minimum wage! It's bloody ridiculous — this morning, I was two minutes late, and the customer threw the pizzas back in my face! I at least deserve to get paid a decent amount for this job — make companies like FubarEats hire us as employees instead of contractors so that we can get decent benefits and decent pay!"
[effect] people are dropping out of school to deliver pizzas

[option] "We always give our employees their slice of the pizza," says @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, CEO of Fubar, who has just finished a meeting at the Committee of Extra-Large Businesses. "FubarEats offers a flexible, part-time job for it's indentured serv- er, workers. We offer reasonable wages, but drivers can earn tips by going above and beyond for their clients. I'm sure your nephew could earn more by cleaning up his act — and his backseat. Allow us to keep hiring contractors, and Fubar will continue to efficiently deliver food all over @@NAME@@. Plus, I won't have to deal with those pesky unions..."
[effect] delivery drivers work around the clock to pay their bills

[option] “Listen not to this fool,” sighs infamous food connoisseur and wealthy restaurateur @@RANDOMNAME@@, who happens to be surveying the grounds for an event tonight. "@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should enjoy the fine taste of their food whilst relaxing in a luxurious diner, not feeding on some greasy, half-edible junk as they slowly become part of their couch. @@LEADER@@, it's time to bring back the full glory of @@DEMONYM@@ dining!" @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ spatula in the air for dramatic effect.
[effect] introverts prefer to go hungry instead of dining out

Draft 1 Below! (Rewritten, thanks Electrum!)

[title] Time to Take Out Delivery?

[desc] You and your staff have been working late into the night in order to patch all the holes in a new piece of legislation. As a result, you’ve been having food delivered to your office while you work. This morning, you took a look at the amount you’d been paying for delivery-and nearly choked on the half-eaten pizza you had in your mouth as you realized the price for delivery was nearly double that of the food.
[validity] Nations with private industry and cars, and perhaps those with higher economic freedoms and pizza industry?

[option] "These hungry corporations always want more than their fair share!" exclaims your Minister of Budget Cuts, who has not been making very many cuts to @@HIS@@ budget. "People who work long hours don't have time to go out and actually buy food. We rely on delivery — it's not fair to us that they charge so much! We have to make this sort of highway robbery illegal-make delivery free!"
[effect] bandits who hijack pizza delivery convoys are dismayed with their findings

[option] "You can't do this to us!" vociferates Papa Pallocci's representative @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Taking delivery charges off the menu will gut our industry — you'd be cutting most of our profits. Where else would we get the money to pay this poor fellow?" @@HE@@ grabs the nearest delivery boy, who drops a stack of pizza boxes on the floor, causing @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to grumble, "You're going to pay for that, boy…"
[effect] pizza corporations take more than their fair share of the pie

[option] "Delivery should be banned!" proclaims wealthy restaurateur @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ struggles to fit @@HIM@@self through your doorway. "@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should be able to enjoy the fine taste of their food whilst relaxing in a luxurious diner, not feeding on some greasy, half-edible junk as they slowly become part of their couch. @@LEADER@@, it's time to bring back the full glory of @@DEMONYM@@ dining!" @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ spatula in the air for dramatic effect.
[effect] in crime-infested streets people tend to starve

[Electrum]

I mean isn't the solution here that @@LEADER@@ never buys delivery again? We've all had that bill shock before.

Making delivery free is a rather silly suggestion and would either lead to increased prices of food to make up the difference, or firms not bothering to have delivery at all. Option 2 doesn't really do anything other than function as a dismiss button. For example, you could add that the government should also subsidise home deliveries more generally.

I think a more interesting issue, using your title pun, would be how little delivery drivers (especially contracted delivery drivers like UberEats) are paid, and whether or not they should be contractors or employees (thus deserving of work rights).

[Australian rePublic]

And what idiot allowed all these purchases without knowing the price? Looks like leader needs to have a word with the treasurer

[Westinor]

And what idiot allowed all these purchases without knowing the price? Looks like leader needs to have a word with the treasurer

That'd probably be a good idea Though addressing the large scale problem suggested here high delivery prices wouldn't happen overnight, per say. I'm sure it'd be a product of gradually rising prices instead.

Making delivery free is a rather silly suggestion and would either lead to increased prices of food to make up the difference, or firms not bothering to have delivery at all. Option 2 doesn't really do anything other than function as a dismiss button. For example, you could add that the government should also subsidise home deliveries more generally.

I think a more interesting issue, using your title pun, would be how little delivery drivers (especially contracted delivery drivers like UberEats) are paid, and whether or not they should be contractors or employees (thus deserving of work rights).

This is an interesting suggestion - does home deliveries refer specifically to chartered deliveries in this case?

Hm, maybe I should switch this entire draft to your suggestion, though I'll have to take some time to write that up. Does it work better like that? I'll try to rewrite it, if so

[Pythaga]

vociferates pizza cartel representative @@RANDOMNAME@@-wait, since when was there a pizza cartel?

I'd recommend removing everything after @@RANDOMNAME@@, it completely breaks the flow and doesn't make much sense. You can keep calling it a cartel or rename it, I think either would work.

[Westinor]

Edited, thanks!

[Westinor]

Reeeeeeeeeewritten! Let me know what you think! Gonna go grabba pizza now...

[Electrum]

Premise: I think it's a little bit random to visit your nephew without a discernible reason. You can also write more simply - instead of "a few boxes of pizza" you can just say "pizza boxes". Also you should change the smart quotes from “” to " ". I think you should also add a "minimum wage" as a validity as well since that will help with the first option.

Option 1: Again, you can sharpen up the writing - you can get rid of '@@LEADER@@', one of both of the sentences in 'Ah, alright then. It’s great to see you!' - there's many more examples of words you can cut without affecting the meaning of the option. You should also try to explain that because drivers are contractors, not employees, they don't get the minimum wage, or holidays, etc. The effect doesn't really make sense to me, and story should be storey.

Option 2: 'you’ve' should really be 'he's' since he's rebutting the nephew, not the leader. The talking marks should end with a comma, not a full stop. And I think you're missing a comma after Fubar. You can rewrite "- and to incentivize this, we pay our indentured serv-ah, contractors very little, making them rely exclusively on tips" to say something like "by ensuring our indentured serv-ah, contractor delivery drivers are reliant on tips to make a good income." You could also end the option with the CEO blaming the nephew for not having a good presentation/smell as a reason as to why he's not doing so well. I'm also not quite sure if it's necessary to add that tag question at the end. Also, finally, double check for crossovers with the "Tipping Point" issue!

Option 3: Again, talking marks end with a comma, not a full stop. I think you can get rid of 'be able to' because that implies an alternative. Otherwise, looks good

[Westinor]

Premise: I think it's a little bit random to visit your nephew without a discernible reason. You can also write more simply - instead of "a few boxes of pizza" you can just say "pizza boxes". Also you should change the smart quotes from “” to " ". I think you should also add a "minimum wage" as a validity as well since that will help with the first option.

Option 1: Again, you can sharpen up the writing - you can get rid of '@@LEADER@@', one of both of the sentences in 'Ah, alright then. It’s great to see you!' - there's many more examples of words you can cut without affecting the meaning of the option. You should also try to explain that because drivers are contractors, not employees, they don't get the minimum wage, or holidays, etc. The effect doesn't really make sense to me, and story should be storey.

Option 2: 'you’ve' should really be 'he's' since he's rebutting the nephew, not the leader. The talking marks should end with a comma, not a full stop. And I think you're missing a comma after Fubar. You can rewrite "- and to incentivize this, we pay our indentured serv-ah, contractors very little, making them rely exclusively on tips" to say something like "by ensuring our indentured serv-ah, contractor delivery drivers are reliant on tips to make a good income." You could also end the option with the CEO blaming the nephew for not having a good presentation/smell as a reason as to why he's not doing so well. I'm also not quite sure if it's necessary to add that tag question at the end. Also, finally, double check for crossovers with the "Tipping Point" issue!

Option 3: Again, talking marks end with a comma, not a full stop. I think you can get rid of 'be able to' because that implies an alternative. Otherwise, looks good

Thank you! Didn't realize the overlap - switched the focus of the issue though, so hopefully it looks better. This was really great, thanks!

[Australian rePublic]

As a former UberEats driver, you work whenever you want, and don't get fired for not working. Hell, I abandoned it in 2018, and I'm still in the system.

[Westinor]

As a former UberEats driver, you work whenever you want, and don't get fired for not working. Hell, I abandoned it in 2018, and I'm still in the system.

Ah, I see. Are there any significant drawbacks that I should instead focus on? I got these points mostly off of researching chartered services in general, so I'm not quite sure of the specifics. It'd be great to know though! (Also, is this more subject to country-specific worker's laws? Though in general chartered services I suppose apply the same benefits worldwide [I'm assuming] and therefore the difference in nation-by-nation laws wouldn't really matter)

[Trotterdam]

As a former UberEats driver, you work whenever you want, and don't get fired for not working. Hell, I abandoned it in 2018, and I'm still in the system.

What happens if there's a public holiday and suddenly everyone "feels like not working" at the same time?

[Australian rePublic]

As a former UberEats driver, you work whenever you want, and don't get fired for not working. Hell, I abandoned it in 2018, and I'm still in the system.

Ah, I see. Are there any significant drawbacks that I should instead focus on? I got these points mostly off of researching chartered services in general, so I'm not quite sure of the specifics. It'd be great to know though! (Also, is this more subject to country-specific worker's laws? Though in general chartered services I suppose apply the same benefits worldwide [I'm assuming] and therefore the difference in nation-by-nation laws wouldn't really matter)

I was getting paid below minimum wage, and that was before expenses (I also had to cover expanses). I had to drive like 25 kilometres to go to a restaurant which was 5 km away from the client's house, and only got paid for that 5 kilometres. Parking. Customers and Uber blaming me when I was late because the restaurant didn't have the food ready

[Australian rePublic]

As a former UberEats driver, you work whenever you want, and don't get fired for not working. Hell, I abandoned it in 2018, and I'm still in the system.

What happens if there's a public holiday and suddenly everyone "feels like not working" at the same time?

Not my problem any more. I abandoned because the pay wasn't worth the shit

[Westinor]

Ah, I see. Are there any significant drawbacks that I should instead focus on? I got these points mostly off of researching chartered services in general, so I'm not quite sure of the specifics. It'd be great to know though! (Also, is this more subject to country-specific worker's laws? Though in general chartered services I suppose apply the same benefits worldwide [I'm assuming] and therefore the difference in nation-by-nation laws wouldn't really matter)

I was getting paid below minimum wage, and that was before expenses (I also had to cover expanses). I had to drive like 25 kilometres to go to a restaurant which was 5 km away from the client's house, and only got paid for that 5 kilometres. Parking. Customers and Uber blaming me when I was late because the restaurant didn't have the food ready

I've edited the draft to hopefully reflect these problems. Option 2 still feels lacking, and I don't think I hit the word choice quite right, but let me know what you think!

[Australian rePublic]

I was getting paid below minimum wage, and that was before expenses (I also had to cover expanses). I had to drive like 25 kilometres to go to a restaurant which was 5 km away from the client's house, and only got paid for that 5 kilometres. Parking. Customers and Uber blaming me when I was late because the restaurant didn't have the food ready

I've edited the draft to hopefully reflect these problems. Option 2 still feels lacking, and I don't think I hit the word choice quite right, but let me know what you think!

No. You don't understand. The per-hour wage was shit. You work 2 hours per week, the wage is shit. You work 100 hours per week, and the wage is shit. No body is advocating paying someone a lot if they rarely work. This would be the arguing about how he can't afford to pay his drivers more, and the drivers already complaining about how shitty the wages are

[Westinor]

I've edited the draft to hopefully reflect these problems. Option 2 still feels lacking, and I don't think I hit the word choice quite right, but let me know what you think!

No. You don't understand. The per-hour wage was shit. You work 2 hours per week, the wage is shit. You work 100 hours per week, and the wage is shit. No body is advocating paying someone a lot if they rarely work. This would be the arguing about how he can't afford to pay his drivers more, and the drivers already complaining about how shitty the wages are

Ah, okay. I've tried at it one more time - does it look better?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I see the premise you're stabbing at, but the premise makes no sense.

First off, the nation's leader's sister isn't going to have the nation leader driving around random roads looking for a lost sibling personally. You'd have people for that, surely, and any politician is going to be concerned about the optics of getting personally involved in a hands-on way.

Secondly, if you arrive on the scene and the first speaker is your nephew, then where did the other two speakers come from? The back seat of the car? If you're going to present a non-typical narrative framing, then stick with it, and have the other speakers be people you'd expect to find on the scene. Maybe a traffic warden, ticketing the car, or a passing jogger, or something like that.

Basically the premise is sound, but the writing needs a little tightening.

[Westinor]

I see the premise you're stabbing at, but the premise makes no sense.

First off, the nation's leader's sister isn't going to have the nation leader driving around random roads looking for a lost sibling personally. You'd have people for that, surely, and any politician is going to be concerned about the optics of getting personally involved in a hands-on way.

Secondly, if you arrive on the scene and the first speaker is your nephew, then where did the other two speakers come from? The back seat of the car? If you're going to present a non-typical narrative framing, then stick with it, and have the other speakers be people you'd expect to find on the scene. Maybe a traffic warden, ticketing the car, or a passing jogger, or something like that.

Basically the premise is sound, but the writing needs a little tightening.

Fixed up the description and character actions a little bit to hopefully make it more coherent

[Westinor]

Fixed up the grammar issues in desc and option 2, feedback would be appreciated! Once again, hoping to submit soon if there aren't monumental changes. Thanks!

[Pythaga]

“"@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should enjoy the fine taste

You have a double quote that shouldn't be there. Seems like you were trying to replace the smart quotes but forgot to delete that one.

[Westinor]

“"@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should enjoy the fine taste

You have a double quote that shouldn't be there. Seems like you were trying to replace the smart quotes but forgot to delete that one.

Thanks for catching that one

[Westinor]

Moved to Last Call - will be submitting soon if there aren't any major problems. Thanks everyone for the feedback so far

[Westinor]

Submitted - thanks everybody!

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!