[ABANDONED] The Painter From Blackacre

[Westinor]

I feel like there's maybe room for one or two other options, but anyway, all advice and suggestions are greatly appreciated!!

Going to leave this behind for now, the premise seems too stretched.

[title] The Painter From Blackacre
[validity] All nations/no Autarky Policy

[desc] For the past few months, your administration has been working on a trade deal with the hostile nation of Blackacre. However, as the final touch ups to the deal are being made, you receive a call. @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, the famous Blackacrean painter and the president of Blackacre's brother, is currently visiting @@NAME@@ and has secretly notified your staff that he wants to defect.

[option] “If this gets out, this could ruin months of planning!”, your regularly suspicious Political Advisor hurriedly whispers into your ear as he looks around the room for something you’re not sure of. “The Blackacrean president would never allow her brother to defect! We have to turn him away and report this to Blackacre. It may be cold, but I stand -I mean, we stand to make a lot from this trade deal. This deal is the path to a long-lasting peace between our two nations-lets not let a measly painter stand in our way.
[effect] in the business of trade deals, there's no time for happy accidents.

[option] “@@LEADER@@, please don’t abandon me.”, quietly pleads @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, as he pulls you into a secluded corner of the room. “Blackacre is horrible-they let me travel the world to capture the beauty of foreign lands, but everywhere I go, my escorts watch me-it was hard enough getting this message to you! When I return, my pieces are showcased once, before being sent to my sister's home, where they're hung up, never to grace the world with their presence again. My sister treats me horribly, and I'm not allowed to go anywhere! I can’t live like this anymore! Please, I’m begging you, help me!”
[effect] a single stroke of the brush can ruin an entire painting.

Draft 1

[title] The Blackacrean Painter
[validity] All nations/no Autarky Policy

[desc] For the past few months, your administration has been working on a trade deal with the hostile nation of Blackacre. However, as the final touch ups to the deal are being made, you receive a call. @@RANDOMNAME@@, the famous Blackacrean painter who is currently visiting @@NAME@@, has secretly notified your staff that @@HE@@ wants to defect.

[option] “If this gets out, this could ruin months of planning!”, your regularly suspicious Political Advisor hurriedly whispers into your ear as he looks around the room for something you’re not sure of. “We have to turn him away and report this to Blackacre. It may be cold, but I stand -I mean, we stand to make a lot from this trade deal. This deal is the path to a long-lasting peace between our two nations-lets not let a measly painter stand in our way.
[effect] In the business of trade deals, sometimes there’s a happy accident.

[option] “@@LEADER@@ please don’t abandon me.”, quietly pleads @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, as he pulls you into a secluded corner of the room. “Blackacre is horrible-my artwork is censored, and my escorts watch me day and night. Every one of my creations is sent to some official’s home, where they’re hung up, never to grace their beauty upon this world. I can’t live like this anymore! Please, I’m begging you, help me!”
[effect] A single stroke of the brush can ruin an entire painting.

[Atheris]

I feel the name should be changed to "The Painter from Blackacre", to make it rhyme. Regardless, here are a few grammatical and personal issues I have with the draft. Changes are in red:

[title] The Blackacrean Painter
[validity] All nations/no Autarky Policy

[desc] For the past few months, your administration has been working on a huge trade deal with the hostile nation of Blackacre. However, as the final touch ups to the deal are being made, you receive a call. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a famous Blackacrean painter who is currently visiting @@NAME@@, wants to defect.

[option] “If this gets out, this could ruin months of planning!" Your regularly suspicious Political Advisor hurriedly whispers into your ear as he looks around the room for something you’re not sure of. “We have to turn him away and report this to Blackacre. It may be cold-hearted, but I stand- to- I mean, we stand to make a lot from this trade deal. This deal is the path to a long-lasting peace between our two nations - let's not let a single person measly painter stand in our way."
[effect] In the business of trade deals, sometimes there’s a happy accident.

[option] “@@LEADER@@, please don’t abandon me,” quietly pleads @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, as he pulls you into a secluded corner of the room. “Blackacre is horrible - my artwork is censored, and my escorts watch me day and night. Every one of my creations is sent to some official’s home, where they’re hung up, never to grace their beauty upon this world. I can’t live like this anymore! Please, I’m begging you, help me!”
[effect] A single stroke of the brush can ruin an entire painting.

[Australian rePublic]

I'm guessing he's not asllowed to leave Blackacre?

[Trotterdam]

How does a painter "defect"? You generally need to be working for the government in some capacity in order to be abe to defect. Otherwise you're just emigrating.

[Westinor]

I'm guessing he's not asllowed to leave Blackacre?

Yes, he's not allowed to permanently leave Blackacre

How does a painter "defect"? You generally need to be working for the government in some capacity in order to be abe to defect. Otherwise you're just emigrating.

Which is why he's in the country, but is "defecting". I'm trying to relate it in sorts to how a North Korean citizen might want to come live in a different country, but that would be considered "defecting. Is there a way I can make that clearer?

[Westinor]

I feel the name should be changed to "The Painter from Blackacre", to make it rhyme. Regardless, here are a few grammatical and personal issues I have with the draft. Changes are in red:

[title] The Blackacrean Painter
[validity] All nations/no Autarky Policy

[desc] For the past few months, your administration has been working on a huge trade deal with the hostile nation of Blackacre. However, as the final touch ups to the deal are being made, you receive a call. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a famous Blackacrean painter who is currently visiting @@NAME@@, wants to defect.

[option] “If this gets out, this could ruin months of planning!" Your regularly suspicious Political Advisor hurriedly whispers into your ear as he looks around the room for something you’re not sure of. “We have to turn him away and report this to Blackacre. It may be cold-hearted, but I stand- to- I mean, we stand to make a lot from this trade deal. This deal is the path to a long-lasting peace between our two nations - let's not let a single person measly painter stand in our way."
[effect] In the business of trade deals, sometimes there’s a happy accident.

[option] “@@LEADER@@, please don’t abandon me,” quietly pleads @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, as he pulls you into a secluded corner of the room. “Blackacre is horrible - my artwork is censored, and my escorts watch me day and night. Every one of my creations is sent to some official’s home, where they’re hung up, never to grace their beauty upon this world. I can’t live like this anymore! Please, I’m begging you, help me!”
[effect] A single stroke of the brush can ruin an entire painting.

I've fixed the grammar, and changed the title! Thank you for the title suggestion

[Candensia]

It's kinda head-scratching that a potential defector would casually call up the nation they are trying to defect to. Especially if escorts are watching them, as the defector says in option 3.

I mean, wouldn't somebody in Blackacre be monitoring that?

[Westinor]

It's kinda head-scratching that a potential defector would casually call up the nation they are trying to defect to. Especially if escorts are watching them, as the defector says in option 3.

I mean, wouldn't somebody in Blackacre be monitoring that?

That's a good point-I was thinking more the potential defector, who is currently in your nation right now, notified perhaps one of your staff when they found the chance. I'll try to figure out the wording in the description to see if I can make that clear.

Made the edit!

[Trotterdam]

Which is why he's in the country, but is "defecting". I'm trying to relate it in sorts to how a North Korean citizen might want to come live in a different country, but that would be considered "defecting. Is there a way I can make that clearer?

It still isn't defecting. It's emigrating. Which would only be an issue if Blackacre has a ban on emigrating, which is a pretty extreme measure. Nothing in canon so far has suggested that Blackacre has gone as far as to ban emigration (they're supposed to be an at least half-functional nation, albeit one that's hostile to you and possibly corrupt, not a crazyhouse like North Korea), although since they're loosely based on the Soviet Union (which also didn't like emigrants at all), I guess it isn't out of the question.

And if that's the case, then it'd come up with more than just one person. It's not like this particular person has any strategic value (what use do you have for a painter that doesn't know any government secrets?), so the issue would be more "do we accept immigrants when this would case diplomatic problems with their nation of origin?" in general, alongside the converse "how much do we want to have good diplomatic relations with nations guilty of human rights abuses?". For that matter, the other nation is also unlikely to completely throw out a trade deal they clearly put effort in over just one person.

[Westinor]

Which is why he's in the country, but is "defecting". I'm trying to relate it in sorts to how a North Korean citizen might want to come live in a different country, but that would be considered "defecting. Is there a way I can make that clearer?

It still isn't defecting. It's emigrating. Which would only be an issue if Blackacre has a ban on emigrating, which is a pretty extreme measure. Nothing in canon so far has suggested that Blackacre has gone as far as to ban emigration (they're supposed to be an at least half-functional nation, albeit one that's hostile to you and possibly corrupt, not a crazyhouse like North Korea), although since they're loosely based on the Soviet Union (which also didn't like emigrants at all), I guess it isn't out of the question.

And if that's the case, then it'd come up with more than just one person. It's not like this particular person has any strategic value (what use do you have for a painter that doesn't know any government secrets?), so the issue would be more "do we accept immigrants when this would case diplomatic problems with their nation of origin?" in general, alongside the converse "how much do we want to have good diplomatic relations with nations guilty of human rights abuses?". For that matter, the other nation is also unlikely to completely throw out a trade deal they clearly put effort in over just one person.

Ok, I see-that makes sense. I'll write up a second draft. Do you think then I should throw out the idea of Blackacre having a ban on emigration and instead focus the issue on a broader scale?

Or, I just had an idea-would it make sense if I made the painter someone a bit more important to Blackacre, like say, the leader's sibling?

[Westinor]

Alright, I made a minor rewrite, adding a few pieces of info that suggest the painter is the Blackacrean president's brother, who I assume would be important enough to care about in terms of a trade deal. I might need a bit more and there is potentially room for another option, perhaps something to do with the aforementioned human rights abuses, but I'm not so sure yet. Please continue to let me know what I've got wrong and more suggestions are greatly appreciated! I'm going to continue working on this throughout the day, and see if there's anything that needs moving around.

Also, let me know if the macros I used are incorrect-I'm not quite sure if I used them correctly.

[Australian rePublic]

I'm guessing he's not asllowed to leave Blackacre?

Yes, he's not allowed to permanently leave Blackacre

How does a painter "defect"? You generally need to be working for the government in some capacity in order to be abe to defect. Otherwise you're just emigrating.

Which is why he's in the country, but is "defecting". I'm trying to relate it in sorts to how a North Korean citizen might want to come live in a different country, but that would be considered "defecting. Is there a way I can make that clearer?

You cannot defect if emigration is legal, you're just emigrating. Also, if emigration is legal, then why would Blackacre care if someone has emigrated?

[Westinor]

Yes, he's not allowed to permanently leave Blackacre



Which is why he's in the country, but is "defecting". I'm trying to relate it in sorts to how a North Korean citizen might want to come live in a different country, but that would be considered "defecting. Is there a way I can make that clearer?

You cannot defect if emigration is legal, you're just emigrating. Also, if emigration is legal, then why would Blackacre care if someone has emigrated?

So I've just added that he's the leader of Blackacre's brother, which would presumably make him someone important enough to be denied emigration.

[Westinor]

Oops, just realized some of the changes I initially intended to implement didn't go through, making for a confusing description. That should be fixed now!

Edit: Also made some changes to option two, hopefully seems better now. Please let me know!