[SUBMITTED] A-Minor Calamity

[Debussy]

I wrote an option 4, but I know it is not perfect. It is heading in the right direction, though.

[option] “I have the different cadence in mind,” sounds off Major @@RANDOMNAME@@, arriving to reinforce your entourage. “Discipline is what they need, especially if they’re rioting. Draft every man that you see, send them right overseas."

[effect] citizens all sing and dance to the same tune

[Debussy]

I would really like help with the option 4. When the issue came to mind, the first 3 options were easy to write. The four seems out of place to me, and I need the help.

[Noahs Second Country]

[description] While attending the premier of the ballet, “Dante’s Andante,” in one of @@NAME@@'s newest theaters, the crowd erupted into a riot as the composer contradicted every expectation, rule, and limitation of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ music. Escaping the now burning theater, you call a makeshift meeting of ministers that were in attendance on how to respond.

The second comma does not appear to be necessary here(edit: or the first). I also suggest using italics for the title rather than quotes as I believe that is how other titles are expressed in other issues. The next sentence also shifts to present tense, which feels a little odd. Just a adding a simple "After" before the rest of the sentence and adjusting any other words accordingly could probably help the flow a bit. This doesn't seem like the most convincing premise, as it boils down to "someone did something controversial" but it is an interesting topic nonetheless. Perhaps to enhance the premise here, what specifically about the music caused riots? Bear in mind that loud noises are already covered by a preexisting issue so you'd have to watch for overlap there. Just something to consider, I don't know if it's totally necessary though for this issue to be successful.

[option] “What was that, pagan music from Bigtopia? How primitive and untamed!” scoffs your traumatized Minister of Culture, @@RANDONNAME@@. “This is the work of a mad man! It spits in the face of our rites! Music should follow the rules, stay within the lines, and not create such dissonance.”

Typo: RANDONNAME. In order for your minister to have this stance(especially as the government official overseeing/promoting such matters) I think you may need an additional validity that classes the nation as particularly primitive, or at least opposed to changing traditional roles. Either that or you can simply change the character that is saying these lines. I think you can definitely inject some humor by citing examples of what this controversial composer used. Something silly, but also something that can be somehow taken as a deeper meaning when over analyzed, like inflatable unicorns and second place medals.

[effect] composers must be sharp or be flattened

Maybe composers must B-sharp?

[option] “These rioters are naïve!” interjects the composer attempting to seek shelter from the mob within your entourage. “Music doesn’t need rules, restrictions, and all that jazz! It should march to the beat of its own drum. Now, if the guard could take a half step over, I’m sure you will call the right tune.”

Building on my previous suggestion, you can definitely exaggerate the "innovation" of the composer in a similar manner.

[effect] music is free as a bird

This makes too much sense. If you're going to support the composer, then music should be as free as a (random, oddly specific, comical noun here)

[option] “Are you tone-deaf?” questions your Minister of Propaganda, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We couldn’t ask for a better melody! Think of the dynamics. Pagan foreigners orchestrated this inferno! We need to keep our citizens safe! With the right measures, and perfect timing, we could deport this whole mess.”

This doesn't seem to flow well out of the previous option - in fact it sounds pretty similar to the way option 1 and 2 is expressed. As a result, it feels like the same person saying 4 different things the same way. The rhetoric being used here is also confusing... the Propaganda minister likes the melody, but wants to deport the composer because they are a foreigner and they don't want foreign-produced music?

[option] “I have the different cadence in mind,” sounds off Major @@RANDOMNAME@@, arriving to reinforce your entourage. “Discipline is what they need, especially if they’re rioting. Draft everyone that you see, send them right overseas."

[effect] citizens all sing and dance to the same tune

Who is "they?" It's unclear here, which detracts from the message of this option as a whole.

Some overall suggestions for options: Option 1 and 2 are fine and normal. Option 3 is trying to be a slightly more extreme option of deporting "those wacky foreigners", though I think it needs to be a bit more clear. I'd like to see option 4 retooled as something along the lines of music perhaps being only for those who can truly appreciate it, and even as an extension things like modern art. For example, maybe music should only be appreciated by the rich, or those who pass a government test on music appreciation, etc..

[Debussy]

[description] While attending the premier of the ballet, “Dante’s Andante,” in one of @@NAME@@'s newest theaters, the crowd erupted into a riot as the composer contradicted every expectation, rule, and limitation of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ music. Escaping the now burning theater, you call a makeshift meeting of ministers that were in attendance on how to respond.

The second comma does not appear to be necessary here(edit: or the first). I also suggest using italics for the title rather than quotes as I believe that is how other titles are expressed in other issues. The next sentence also shifts to present tense, which feels a little odd. Just a adding a simple "After" before the rest of the sentence and adjusting any other words accordingly could probably help the flow a bit. This doesn't seem like the most convincing premise, as it boils down to "someone did something controversial" but it is an interesting topic nonetheless. Perhaps to enhance the premise here, what specifically about the music caused riots? Bear in mind that loud noises are already covered by a preexisting issue so you'd have to watch for overlap there. Just something to consider, I don't know if it's totally necessary though for this issue to be successful.

I changed the title to italics and removed the commas. Added "After" to a reworked second sentenced. The premise reminds me of the Harry Porter issue. I enjoyed the book/play/music until I got to X - burn it all! But a lot of issues remind me of that issue. I do not want to express what type of music it was. I would rather leave that up to the reader.

[option] “What was that, pagan music from Bigtopia? How primitive and untamed!” scoffs your traumatized Minister of Culture, @@RANDONNAME@@. “This is the work of a mad man! It spits in the face of our rites! Music should follow the rules, stay within the lines, and not create such dissonance.”

Typo: RANDONNAME. In order for your minister to have this stance(especially as the government official overseeing/promoting such matters) I think you may need an additional validity that classes the nation as particularly primitive, or at least opposed to changing traditional roles. Either that or you can simply change the character that is saying these lines. I think you can definitely inject some humor by citing examples of what this controversial composer used. Something silly, but also something that can be somehow taken as a deeper meaning when over analyzed, like inflatable unicorns and second place medals.

Typo fixed. I think the additional validity is a good idea. Having some level of social conservatism and or primitiveness makes sense. I want to avoid naming anything particular being used. They could be holding a baton or it is big band jazz and they are throwing their hands around.

[effect] composers must be sharp or be flattened

Maybe composers must B-sharp?

That's giving the joke away and implying they have to use C.

[effect] music is free as a bird

This makes too much sense. If you're going to support the composer, then music should be as free as a (random, oddly specific, comical noun here)

It is a funny pop-culture reference. Are you suggesting that (random, oddly specific, comical noun here) be added to the line?

[option] “Are you tone-deaf?” questions your Minister of Propaganda, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We couldn’t ask for a better melody! Think of the dynamics. Pagan foreigners orchestrated this inferno! We need to keep our citizens safe! With the right measures, and perfect timing, we could deport this whole mess.”

This doesn't seem to flow well out of the previous option - in fact it sounds pretty similar to the way option 1 and 2 is expressed. As a result, it feels like the same person saying 4 different things the same way. The rhetoric being used here is also confusing... the Propaganda minister likes the melody, but wants to deport the composer because they are a foreigner and they don't want foreign-produced music?

The Propaganda minister likes the melody because of what they can now do because of it. I could make it "We couldn't ask for a better melody for your popularity/for deportation/to stick it to them," but I feel the minister goes on to explain what they mean by that line with the next few sentences. I added a few words to this option.

[option] “I have the different cadence in mind,” sounds off Major @@RANDOMNAME@@, arriving to reinforce your entourage. “Discipline is what they need, especially if they’re rioting. Draft everyone that you see, send them right overseas."

[effect] citizens all sing and dance to the same tune

Who is "they?" It's unclear here, which detracts from the message of this option as a whole.

Some overall suggestions for options: Option 1 and 2 are fine and normal. Option 3 is trying to be a slightly more extreme option of deporting "those wacky foreigners", though I think it needs to be a bit more clear. I'd like to see option 4 retooled as something along the lines of music perhaps being only for those who can truly appreciate it, and even as an extension things like modern art. For example, maybe music should only be appreciated by the rich, or those who pass a government test on music appreciation, etc..

The suggestion for option 4 is a good idea. I'll work on it. I did not like the idea of drafting people.

Thanks for the suggestions/comments, Noah.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

[description] While attending the premier of the ballet Dante’s Andante in one of @@NAME@@'s newest theaters, the crowd erupted into a riot as the composer contradicted every expectation, rule, and limitation of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ music. After escaping the burning theater, you call a makeshift meeting of ministers that were in attendance on how to respond.

The title is fine, but this premise lacks verisimilitude. Ballet-goers don't tend to express their dissatisfaction by rioting. More likely the majority would depart at the interval, and the boorish ones would walk out during the performance. Then there'd be some scathing broadsheet reviews, the publicity would push ticket sales, and there'd be some thinkpieces on "but is it art?" and so on.

The premise you present just doesn't work.

[Trotterdam]

I think this is inspired by Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring.

Many have called the first-night reaction a "riot" or "near-riot," though this wording did not come about until reviews of later performances in 1924, over a decade later.

See also: http://notanothermusichistorycliche.blogspot.com/2018/06/did-stravinskys-rite-of-spring-incite.html

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Interesting!

Still, music that was scandalously avant-garde in 1913 is just a historical curiosity these days. Since then the world has been through so many musical revolutions I think it'd be pretty unlikely that avant-garde theatre is going to achieve anything more negative than yawns or tutting.

[Debussy]

Interesting!

Still, music that was scandalously avant-garde in 1913 is just a historical curiosity these days. Since then the world has been through so many musical revolutions I think it'd be pretty unlikely that avant-garde theatre is going to achieve anything more negative than yawns or tutting.

That is a pretty narrow perspective of everyone's nation, and within a game that allows you to enact feudalism, I am not sure a modern perspective would be an appropriate lens to be reading the premise.

Coming back to this after months, I am working on a rewrite with fresh eyes. I will have it up soon, but do I need a new thread because this is old or can I continue using this one?

[Debussy]

I've added a second draft to the OP. It flows a lot better.

[Fauxia]

Interesting!

Still, music that was scandalously avant-garde in 1913 is just a historical curiosity these days. Since then the world has been through so many musical revolutions I think it'd be pretty unlikely that avant-garde theatre is going to achieve anything more negative than yawns or tutting.

That is a pretty narrow perspective of everyone's nation, and within a game that allows you to enact feudalism, I am not sure a modern perspective would be an appropriate lens to be reading the premise.

Coming back to this after months, I am working on a rewrite with fresh eyes. I will have it up soon, but do I need a new thread because this is old or can I continue using this one?

No, it's the correct view. Musical development happens internationally. It's pretty universal that we've moved beyond impressionism and then to dodecaphony and now to... whatever. Feudalism in NationStates is a very conscious choice.

Anyway, I think it needs to have been a very heralded piece and that should be more clear. There's been crazy music by, idk, Charles Ives or John Cage, for years, but they aren't mainstream enough for people to care that much.

[Debussy]

That is a pretty narrow perspective of everyone's nation, and within a game that allows you to enact feudalism, I am not sure a modern perspective would be an appropriate lens to be reading the premise.

Coming back to this after months, I am working on a rewrite with fresh eyes. I will have it up soon, but do I need a new thread because this is old or can I continue using this one?

No, it's the correct view. Musical development happens internationally. It's pretty universal that we've moved beyond impressionism and then to dodecaphony and now to... whatever. Feudalism in NationStates is a very conscious choice.

Anyway, I think it needs to have been a very heralded piece and that should be more clear. There's been crazy music by, idk, Charles Ives or John Cage, for years, but they aren't mainstream enough for people to care that much.

Impressionism or any one kind of composer doesn't have much to do with the issue. Musical development doesn't have to happen internationally, especially if you are a nation that has closed its borders, or banned the internet, something you don't have to be super conscious of to do by mistake. A definition of crazy music and standards of that is subjective, both on the individual and national level. I've said this before here, but the music in the issue could be jazz, rock, or even impressionism. It's up to the reader and their take on their citizens. If you decide your country isn't upset by the riot, and you see your country as international, pick option 2 and find yourself in the international development column.