[submitted] You’ve Got to Hide Your Police Away

[Honeydewistania]

[title] You’ve Got to Hide Your Police Away

[validity] enabled secret police, authoritarian, internet enabled

[desc] A new seven episode-long exposé into @@NAME@@'s secret police, which featured shaky camerawork and anonymous interviewees, premiered yesterday on streaming platform Webflix, sparking outrage throughout the nation.

[option] "How could we let this happen?" rages your Secret Police Chief as he pauses the television screen on a particularly unflattering angle of your face. "Those so-called professionals couldn't even hold a camera straight! We need more funding so that we can be even more secret! We can have newer toys to play with- I mean, better equipment to catch these anarchists with!"
[effect] orthodontists have found employment as torturers for the recently expanded secret police

[option] "No need to waste all that money!" claims Propaganda Ministry Staffer and pro-regime blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ contacts you through a video call through the television. "Just censor everything! Add any website mentioning the words 'secret police' to a blacklist, and boom! No one's talking about any 'police' anymore. In fact, you should do that for all anti-government websites for good measure. Now, a bit of compensation for my work wouldn't go amiss. Did you know that if every person who read my page made a one @@CURRENCY@@-" His voice is cut off as your aide hangs him up.
[effect] the Hail @@LEADER@@! and The Government's Alright, I Guess blogs have reached all-time high traffic as 'undesirable' websites reroute to propaganda sites

[option] "Well, we can't say we didn't see that one coming!" sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your advisors, hastily drawing the curtains and sweating nervously. "It was about time someone figured out that the 'mysterious disappearances' weren't exactly a mystery. I think the best thing to do is issue a very sincere apology and disband the secret police. Of course we still have to keep some bits around for the terrorists and stuff, but we can't crack down on everyone who says ‘@@LEADER@@ smells like @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@‘ anymore."
[effect] thousands of formerly presumed dead people suddenly reappear alive in houses all over the country

[option] "This wouldn't be a problem if those nosy parkers minded their own damn business!" seethes your brother, right before violently smashing up a television that was playing the documentary. "We should go and grab whoever was involved in that documentary and show them what we really do to dissidents. Stream it live and no one will question our methods again!"
[effect] construction on Rooms 102 and 103 has commenced as previous rooms have reached full capacity

[Australian rePublic]

I'm guessing that if police act like this, the average denonym would have no method of knowing about it

[Honeydewistania]

I'm guessing that if police act like this, the average denonym would have no method of knowing about it

That’s why it’s a Brancalandian expose that tells the average denonym of the heinous crimes

[Australian rePublic]

I'm guessing that if police act like this, the average denonym would have no method of knowing about it

That’s why it’s a Brancalandian expose that tells the average denonym of the heinous crimes

No, you don't get what I'm saying. The average North Korean does not know about North Korea's crimes against humanity, when the rest of the world does. Why would name be different?

[Honeydewistania]

That’s why it’s a Brancalandian expose that tells the average denonym of the heinous crimes

No, you don't get what I'm saying. The average North Korean does not know about North Korea's crimes against humanity, when the rest of the world does. Why would name be different?

Well i suppose I should make internet a validity so they can find out about it from the rest of the world

[Australian rePublic]

No, you don't get what I'm saying. The average North Korean does not know about North Korea's crimes against humanity, when the rest of the world does. Why would name be different?

Well i suppose I should make internet a validity so they can find out about it from the rest of the world

China has the internet. They don't know about the rest of the world

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Though China restricts its internet access, and blocks most international news sites to its citizenry. That'd be worth having as an option.

This is a good issue premise, don't give up on it.

[Honeydewistania]

Though China restricts its internet access, and blocks most international news sites to its citizenry. That'd be worth having as an option.

This is a good issue premise, don't give up on it.

Thanks! I totally forgot about it and I’ve been pursuing my other draft. Now that it’s submitted I can revive this

[SherpDaWerp]

A recent Brancalandian exposé documentary into @@NAME@@'s secret police titled The Secret Life of @@NAME@@ premiered yesterday on streaming platform Webflix. The two hours long footage of @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ secret police officers beating up and torturing several long-haired individuals has shocked the international community, many of whom are demanding that you disband the service,

You've forgotten the rest of your sentence... or a full stop. Also, "exposé documentary" is tautology.

[Australian rePublic]

Why were they beating up hippies in the first place?

[Honeydewistania]

Why were they beating up hippies in the first place?

In the secret police issue, they mention rounding up hippies. Besides if you’re an authoritarian nation like that that’s probably likely.

I’m going to start reworking this issue in the next few days as I’m bust atm.

[Le Libertia]

[title] On @@LEADER@@'s Secret Service

[option] "I think the real problem was that our secret police wasn't secret enough!" blasts the Secret Police Chief @@RANDOMNAME@@, crushing your glass with his fist. "Those big nosed Brancalandians managed to find themselves into our system, that's how they are able to expose us. We ought to divert funding from say public healthcare, and use it to properly fund our secret police. Then we can have better weapons, better training, better food- I mean, better chance of catching these anarchists!"
[effect] money used to make @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ healthy is now used to make prisoners unhealthy

So I bolded some of the grammatical issues I found:

• Change "wasn't" to 'weren't'
• As an adverb, "secret" needs to be changed to 'secretive'
• Hyphenate "big nosed" to 'big-nosed'
• Eliminate the comma following "public healthcare"
• Add an 'a' before "better"

Also, the way you phrase it, it seems like the chief is admitting that he actually wants better amenities rather than a genuine improvement to the security of the secret police. To me, this is slightly jarring because it is initially portrayed as if the chief genuinely desires improvement to the organization's secrecy, and it would align with his motives.

[Noahs Secret Country]

[effect] stepping into @@NAME@@ is effectively a death sentence

This last effect line here doesn't really make sense to me. The secret police, from what is implied by this draft, is intended to remove those with conflicting opinions. It doesn't make sense to simply kill people via the secret police just by entering the country - the effect line in its current state seems to point towards a ban on immigration, which I imagine is not exactly what you're going for. If it is what you're going for, I would clear up the option a bit, providing the Webflix documentary as a reason for closing the borders.

[Honeydewistania]

I've made improvements. Comments welcome.

[Braule]

This one looks fun, can't wait to get it hehe.

[Honeydewistania]

This one looks fun, can't wait to get it hehe.

Thank you!

[Honeydewistania]

Any more suggestions? I’m submitting soon if no one is objecting to this

[Westinor]

A recent Brancalandian exposé into @@NAME@@'s secret police titled The Secret Life of @@NAME@@ premiered yesterday on streaming platform Webflix. The two hours long footage of shaky cameras and dark rooms, as well as footage of the now-not-so-secret police has caused uproar in your nation, with many asking you to disband the service.

I think this could probably be shortened into something like ""The Secret Life of @@NAME@@", a recent Brancalandian exposé into @@NAME@@'s secret police featuring shaky camerawork and frightened interviewees, premiered yesterday on streaming platform Webflix, has sparked uproar in your nation, with many asking you to disband the service."

As you can tell, that's a bit long and unwieldy. You could then shorten it to something like

"A new seven episode-long exposé into @@NAME@@'s secret police, which featured shaky camerawork and anonymous interviewees, premiered yesterday on streaming platform Webflix, sparking outrage throughout the nation."

Is the Brancalandian description necessary, by the way? Wouldn't that be espionage or something similar?

"Well we can't say that wasn't coming!" sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your advisors, hastily drawing the curtains and sweating nervously. "It was about time someone figured out that the 'mysterious disappearances' weren't real. I think the best thing to do is issue a very sincere apology and disband the secret police. Of course we still have to keep some bits around for the terrorists and stuff, but we can't crack down on dissidents anymore."

To start off "Well we can't say that wasn't coming" is a bit awkward. I like "Well, we can't say we didn't see that one coming!" better, though that implies that you should have seen that coming. Then there's "We should have seen that coming!" or "I can't believe we didn't see that coming!" or "How could we let this happen?" rages your advisor as he pauses the screen on a particularly unflattering angle of your face. "Those so-called professionals couldn't even hold a camera straight! We need more funding to blah blah blah" and you could start off with an option that suggests being able to crack down on the people who exposed the secret police and are protesting or something. Then you can have the propaganda choice, some timid minister suggesting disbanding the secret police, and finally your finishing option (which I realize now hinges on the Brancalandian thing, but of course you could have the speaker accuse them of being Brancalandian based off of stereotypical features or something similar, while he bullies the previous speaker or accuses them too.)

That's my take, though er I'm a bit rusty at this. Premise and option choices look good though.

[Honeydewistania]

I like the Brancalandian description because then the Police Chief can be racist :>

[Honeydewistania]

Well... I need a new title now Any suggestions?

Westinor: I’ve been busy so I’ll add your suggestions soon

[Honeydewistania]

Still look for a new title, if anyone has suggestions let me know

[Pogaria]

Still look for a new title, if anyone has suggestions let me know

- The Secret Ingredient is Authoritarianism
- You've Got to Hide Your Police Away
- The Cop's Out of the Bag
- @@LEADER@@ and the Police Department of Secrets

[Cretox State]

- "Nature Pictures"
- "Do the Crime, Tune in on Time"

[Honeydewistania]

- "Nature Pictures"
- "Do the Crime, Tune in on Time"

Still look for a new title, if anyone has suggestions let me know

- The Secret Ingredient is Authoritarianism
- You've Got to Hide Your Police Away
- The Cop's Out of the Bag
- @@LEADER@@ and the Police Department of Secrets

All great suggestions, but I’ve chose the second one from Pogaria. Also, I implemented a few of Westinor’s suggestions

[Westinor]

A few things:

We can have better weapons, better training, better food- I mean, a better chance of catching these anarchists!

I think this could probably be shortened to something like "newer toys to play with- I mean, better equipment to catch these anarchists with!" In general, I feel like it needs to be clearer that the chief is advocating for things that might be a misuse of the funding, whereas "training and food" seems somewhat valid, even if food really isn't.

as @@HE@@ contacts you through a video call through the television, while typing words onto his computer faster than you can read

If they're video calling you, why are they also typing things to you?

Now, for my work, you should make a donation to my page. If every one of my monthly readers made a one @@CURRENCY@@

I think this could be reworded to something like "Now, a bit of compensation for my work wouldn't go amiss. Did you know that if every person who read my page made a one @@CURRENCY@@-" While the joke by itself is funny, I feel like a different angle (i.e. the blogger being obsessed with you rather than being interested in personal gain, perhaps making a closing remark of "@@MOTTO@@" or "Praise you @@LEADER@@" or some funny action) might be more effective.

but we can't crack down on dissidents anymore

I think rewording this to "we should probably stop cracking down on dissidents" might be a bit better here. In fact, you could probably make a joke off of "cracking down on dissidents", maybe by coming up with an extreme example instead.

We wouldn't have any problem if those nosy parkers minded their own damn business!" seethes your brother into your ear

"Into your ear" doesn't really fit here and could probably be removed. I think "We wouldn't have any problem" could also be changed to "This wouldn't be a problem".

Looks much better