[DRAFT] Tobacco Industry's Future Looking Cloudy

[Dabarastan]

Must not have: No Smoking, Autarky, Socialism

The Issue:

Draft 2:

After two quarters of rapidly falling profits, a group of angry @@DEMONYM@@ tobacco industry representatives have stormed your office demanding government action.

1. "Here's yer problem," snarls an angry tobacco farmer amidst a cloud of smoke. "All them retailers keep importin' cheap cigarettes from Brasilistan – but it's nothin' but low-quality dirt tobacco. Then they're sellin' 'em for half the price they can charge for our fine @@DEMONYM@@ tobacco products! Can't you just slap a tariff on the imported cigarettes and subsidise locally-grown tobacco?"
Effect: locally-made cigarettes come with @@LEADER@@'s tick of approval

2. "Hear! Hear!" bellows another farmer, finely dressed in a tuxedo complete with top hat, while refilling his pipe. "But, dear fellow, why not take it one step further? If the government were to implement a wide-scale ban on all imports, across all industries, our domestic companies would thrive! Oh, we could herald in a new age of self-sufficient prosperity!"
Adds: Autarky
Effect: inbound cargo carriers are being turned back upon arrival

3. "No, no, no... uh, one second," interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Imperium Tobacco Corporation, before breaking into a short coughing fit. "The real problem is those vape pens. Haven't you heard? Kids are coming home and they're saying 'Mom, I wanna vape!' Ban the vapes, and the kids will have no choice but to return to buying traditional, flavoursome tobacco products." @@HE@@ takes a long draw from @@HIS@@ cigarette, "Mmm, smooth..."
Effect: children tend to now chew tobacco in class rather than gum

4. Your Health Minister enters the room and opens a window. "For goodness sake," @@HE@@ sighs. "Vaporisers, cigarettes, chewing tobacco; it doesn't matter! It's all bad for you! Why don't we put health before the economy for once and outlaw smoking products for good?" @@HE@@ takes a bite from the chocolate bar on your desk before leaving.
Adds: No Smoking
Effect: the livelihoods of the nation’s tobacco farmers have gone up in smoke


Draft 1:

After two quarters of rapidly falling profits, a group of angry @@DEMONYM@@ tobacco industry representatives have stormed your office demanding government action.

1) “Here’s yer problem,” snarls an angry tobacco farmer amidst a cloud of smoke, “All them retailers keep importin’ cheap cigarettes from Brasilistan – but it’s nothin’ but low-quality dirt tobacco. Then they’re sellin’ ‘em for half the price they can charge for our fine @@DEMONYM@@ tobacco products! Can’t you just slap a tariff on the imported cigarettes and subsidise locally-grown tobacco?”
Effect: locally-made cigarettes are cheaper than milk and bread.

2) “Hear! Hear!” bellows a finely-dressed, top-hat-wielding second farmer while refilling his pipe, “But, dear fellow, why not take it one step further? If the government were to implement a wide-scale ban on all imports, across all industries, our domestic companies would thrive! Oh, we could herald in a new age of self-sufficient prosperity!”
Adds: Autarky
Effect: there is a ban on the importation of any foreign good.

3) “No, no, no... uh, one second,” interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Imperium Tobacco Corporation, before breaking into a short coughing fit, “The problem is those vape pens. Haven’t you heard? Kids are coming home and they’re saying ‘Mom, I wanna vape!’ Ban the vapes, and the kids will have no choice but to return to buying traditional, flavoursome tobacco products.” @@HE@@ takes a long draw from @@HIS@@ cigarette, “Mmm, smooth...”
Effect: the government approves of the recent uptick in cigarettes sales amongst children.

4) Your Health Minister enters the room and opens a window. “For goodness sake,” @@HE@@ sighs, “Vaporisers, cigarettes, chewing tobacco; it doesn’t matter! It’s all bad for you! Why don’t we put health before the economy for once and outlaw smoking products for good?” He takes a bite from the chocolate bar on your desk before leaving.
Adds: No Smoking
Effect: smoking is prohibited.

[Australian rePublic]

Why wouldn't the unsuccessful tabacco companies move their manufacturing to Brasilistan?

[Dabarastan]

Why wouldn't the unsuccessful tabacco companies move their manufacturing to Brasilistan?

That may naturally happen, or may already be happening. But I thought about it, and figured that having that as an option (letting the free market take its course) would be effectively taking no action at all. To prevent things like this is why the industry reps have gathered in leader's office.

[Australian rePublic]

Why wouldn't the unsuccessful tabacco companies move their manufacturing to Brasilistan?

That may naturally happen, or may already be happening. But I thought about it, and figured that having that as an option (letting the free market take its course) would be effectively taking no action at all. To prevent things like this is why the industry reps have gathered in leader's office.

No, you get it. The tabacco factories are moving off shore and the factory employees have the shits

[Dabarastan]

That may naturally happen, or may already be happening. But I thought about it, and figured that having that as an option (letting the free market take its course) would be effectively taking no action at all. To prevent things like this is why the industry reps have gathered in leader's office.

No, you get it. The tabacco factories are moving off shore and the factory employees have the shits

Is there anything else I should be looking at changing here then?

[SherpDaWerp]

No, you get it. The tabacco factories are moving off shore and the factory employees have the shits

Is there anything else I should be looking at changing here then?

Well, yes. Don't rush submission! There's no harm in leaving your draft out for a couple weeks worth of feedback - if you're going for the contest, it doesn't end for almost another 4 weeks, and if you're just drafting to author an issue then you have unlimited time. More time = more feedback = better draft!

For minor nitpicks, smart quotes ( “ ” ) need to be replaced with dumb quotes ( " " ) and effect lines don't have full stops (or periods) on the end.

For slightly less minor things - your effect lines need work. Most of them are nothing more than restatements of the decision that you've made - "smoking is prohibited" doesn't have any hint of humor or wit, it's just a statement of the decision. Effect lines like your used to be the standard, decades ago, but nowadays effect lines are typically used to make jokes or funny statements.

• "high-cocoa chocolate cigars only appear on the black market" - Effect 4
• "cigarette companies' profits have disappeared in a puff of smoke" - Effect 4
• "preschool classrooms no longer have smoke detectors" - Effect 3
• "preschoolers need smoko twice a day" - Effect 3

You're welcome to use any of those verbatim or modify them as you wish. See if you can come up with some better effect lines for Options 1 and 2.

Other feedback:
"bellows a finely-dressed, top-hat-wielding second farmer" - You don't wield a top hat, you wear it, and "second farmer" is odd. Try and re-word their introduction as "another farmer" or a different character altogether.
" @@HE@@ takes a long draw from @@HIS@@ cigarette, “Mmm, smooth...” " - @@HE@@ needs a dialogue statement here, like "moans", "mumbles" or "utters"

[Dabarastan]

Is there anything else I should be looking at changing here then?

Well, yes. Don't rush submission! There's no harm in leaving your draft out for a couple weeks worth of feedback - if you're going for the contest, it doesn't end for almost another 4 weeks, and if you're just drafting to author an issue then you have unlimited time. More time = more feedback = better draft!

For minor nitpicks, smart quotes ( “ ” ) need to be replaced with dumb quotes ( " " ) and effect lines don't have full stops (or periods) on the end.

For slightly less minor things - your effect lines need work. Most of them are nothing more than restatements of the decision that you've made - "smoking is prohibited" doesn't have any hint of humor or wit, it's just a statement of the decision. Effect lines like your used to be the standard, decades ago, but nowadays effect lines are typically used to make jokes or funny statements.

• "high-cocoa chocolate cigars only appear on the black market" - Effect 4
• "cigarette companies' profits have disappeared in a puff of smoke" - Effect 4
• "preschool classrooms no longer have smoke detectors" - Effect 3
• "preschoolers need smoko twice a day" - Effect 3

You're welcome to use any of those verbatim or modify them as you wish. See if you can come up with some better effect lines for Options 1 and 2.

Other feedback:
"bellows a finely-dressed, top-hat-wielding second farmer" - You don't wield a top hat, you wear it, and "second farmer" is odd. Try and re-word their introduction as "another farmer" or a different character altogether.
" @@HE@@ takes a long draw from @@HIS@@ cigarette, “Mmm, smooth...” " - @@HE@@ needs a dialogue statement here, like "moans", "mumbles" or "utters"

Thanks for the detailed feedback. I've tried to take it all on board and I've now updated the post with a second draft.

[Dabarastan]

I'm gonna just bump this.