[DRAFT] Pit of Nightmares

[The Diamond Isles]

This is my first time on the forums, this is also my first issue. I was inspired to write this after I read a book about the Lovecraftian Old Gods like Cthulhu. Co-authored by Rohendia and Kalaascovy
UPDATE:
03/13: Removed choices 2, 3A/3B, 4A/4B; Rewrote choices 1, 5, and 6. Created another choice involving the military.

Description: During a recent geothermal experiment in @@NATION@@'s countryside, a huge chasm was opened, filled with eerie caves, underwater lakes, and never before seen lifeforms. A probe dropped into the chasm was quickly devoured by a creature near the surface of a lake, obscured by darkness. An odd assembly of scientists and mystics have begged their way past your secretaries to discuss the pit which has been dubbed a “Pit of Nightmares” by the popular media...

Issue invalid for nations with low scientific advancement (~100 and below)

Choice 1: A high ranking military officer approaches your desk and salutes. “Officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ reporting, @@LEADER@@, this place is clearly dangerous. Some folks are claiming it is of unholy “religious” importance. I beg to differ. We should bar this place off and set up a military outpost. We can try and ‘tame’ these so-called ‘eldritch horrors’ for our military. If that doesn’t work, well...” @@HE@@ leans in towards you, grimacing. “...we can always use them for target practice.”
Fallout: The military’s new line of weapons seems rather “fleshy”.

Choice 2: A man covered in necklaces and mystic symbols approaches you, leading a much larger group of similarly clad individuals. “Greetings, I am cleric @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ of the @@ANIMAL@@ Tribal Mystics Association. In our great oral traditions, it was prophesied that such a chasm would be found, the chasm of the great horrors who descended from the stars. We demand you surrender control of the chasm to our people and our mystical cause. The Eldritch Beings must be appeased, and their demands are great.” He begins sputtering what sounds like nonsense, which his crowd begins wildly reciting.
Fallout: Mystics pick straws to see who will be dropped into “The Infinite Chasm of Nyarl-Azzaroth.”

Choice 3: Your Minister of Science @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has had @@HIS@@ head in @@HIS@@ hands for most of the meeting, speaks up. “Come on people! ‘Target practice’? ‘Eldritch horrors’? What a load of poppycock, I mean it’s a chasm for Pete’s Sake! What’s waiting down there is a world of scientific discoveries and wonders! We should send more research teams down there to see what truly lies in those depths. Mineral deposits! Water reservoirs! Entire chapters of the world’s history could be trapped in the walls of this chasm! It’s ridiculous to think some ‘eldritch abominations’ reside bel-” before @@HE@@ can finish @@HIS@@ sentence, a group of dark-clad individuals come and carry @@HIM@@ out of the room.
Fallout: Chasm-spelunking researchers rarely return from their sabbaticals.

Choice 4: “Gosh darn guberment, get yer hands off of this chasm!” screams tin-foil clad conspiracy theorist and radio personality Mareks Jonas. “Your byzantine government should butt out of anomalies and let the professionals get to work here.” He flashes you his degrees in Cryptozoology and Extraterrestrial studies, which are written in crayon. “For years, your slimy bureaucracy has prevented the public from knowing the truth on anomalous items, like the Maxtopian Crystal Skulls or the contents of Area 50. Revoke all surveillance on national parks, museums, military bases, and everything else! Just let us uncover the truth!” He begins fishing through one of your filing cabinets before security drags him out of the room.
Fallout: National museums and parks are vandalized frequently by ‘researching’ conspiracy theorists.

Description: During a recent geothermal experiment in @@NATION@@'s countryside, a huge chasm was opened, filled with eerie caves, underwater lakes, and never before seen lifeforms. A probe dropped into the chasm was quickly devoured by a monstrous creature near the surface of one of the lakes. A gaggle of scientists, ecologists, and tribesmen have begged their way past your secretaries to discuss the pit which has been a “Pit of Nightmare Fuel” by the involved research teams...


Issue invalid for nations with low scientific advancement (~100)


Choice 1: A well known @@DEMONYM@@ scientist and explorer named @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@ pipes up from the group of people encroaching on your evening. “@@LEADER@@, I think this is a good opportunity to learn. We could set up an outpost at the opening, and send in teams to explore it, catalog new life forms and areas, as well as set up checkpoints for other teams. All we need is some funding and maybe some protection from the military and we’re golden!”
Fallout: Some people think the military is just private protection for influential explorers.

Choice 2: A park ranger named @@RANDONAMEMALE@@ shoves past the other scientists into your office and hushes them. “Good afternoon @@LEADER@@. This area is filled with clearly deadly animals and other untouched creatures. We could open this area to the public but block off the areas with deadly animals. What I mean is turn this into a national park. The people will come from all over to see the new areas and creatures. Can you see the money made to fund future research? Because I can!”
Fallout: Citizens go into creepy caves in parks with park rangers never to be seen again…

Choice 3A: A religious nut from the surrounding countryside jumps through the window into your office and begins berating you and the scientists. “No, @@LEADER@@!! This place is oh-so-clearly evil and should be blocked off! Let my fellow brothers and sisters of the great Church of Violet cleanse this place and not speak of this evil place again.”
Fallout: People make large religious pilgrimages but no one is heard from again...
Invalid for nations with Violetism banned

Choice 3B: A religious nut from the surrounding countryside jumps through the window into your office and begins berating you and the scientists. “No, @@LEADER@@!! This place is oh-so-clearly evil and should be blocked off! Let my fellow brothers and sisters of the great Tranquility of Yellow cleanse this place and not speak of this evil place again.”
Fallout: People make large religious pilgrimages but no one is heard from again...

Choice 4A: A man in a business suit rushes into your office with a briefcase. "Howdy @@LEADER@@, I am @@RANDOMNAME@@, and I've come here to offer you a deal. I represent a very large well-known company that shall remain unnamed for privacy reasons. I offer to you quite a sizable amount of @@CURRENCY@@ in exchange for the discovered area. The area will be turned into an amusement park with some of the subsiding caves being turned into sewage plants. So whaddya say, pal?" He sets down the briefcase and opens it to show it filled to the brim with @@CURRENCY@@.
Fallout: Corporations buy chunks of land underground to turn into amusement parks and sewage dumps.
INVALID FOR NATIONS WITH SOCIALIST ECONOMY

Choice 4B: A man in a business suit rushes into your office with a briefcase. "Howdy @@LEADER@@, I am @@RANDOMNAME@@, and I've come here to offer you a deal. I know that my company doesn't have any grounds legally here, but I see a lot of future in this investment. I represent a very large well-known foreign company that shall remain unnamed for the time being. I offer to you quite a sizable amount of @@CURRENCY@@ in exchange for the discovered area. The area will be turned into an amusement park to distract the public from, shall we say, other problems. Some of the subsiding caves will be turned into sewage plants. So whaddya say, my comrade?" He sets down the briefcase and opens it to show it filled to the brim with @@CURRENCY@@.
Fallout: Corporations buy chunks of land underground to turn into distractions for the public from government secrets.
INVALID FOR NATIONS WITH CAPITALIST ECONOMY

Choice 5: @@RANDOMNAME@@, a scientist that represents a tribe called the "Southern @@ANIMAL@@ Tribe" storms to the front of the group, interrupts the other scientists and begins yelling over you and them, "I represent my people of the Southern @@ANIMAL@@ Tribe. I hereby declare the discovered lands as that of my people for us to expand to the depths and reach closer to our inner peace!"
Fallout: Roaming tribes claim newly discovered areas, bulldoze them to build more longhouses, and slaughter the native species.

Choice 6: After the meeting one of your secretaries approaches you. “@@LEADER@@, I think we should send in tons of scientists, don’t explore it, just send in more probes. So many conspiracy theories regard things like this. This chasm confirms most of them!” The secretary then begins smashing various vases in your office, chanting something about a coming disaster, and other creepy mish-mash
Fallout: Conspiracy theorists gather on the daily to worship Lovecraftian-esque creatures.

[East Priapistan]

I'm not overly excited about this - I'm a big fan of Lovecraft, but this didn't really grip me; Lovecraft always had an unnameable sense of impending doom hovering over everything, which is lacking here.

Some extra things that would need addressing, in my opinion:

• Six options is way too much
• You've split some of them up in a way that doesn't add much value to the issue (the only difference between the A and B options are minimal).
• Option 1 is pretty solid, just needs some beefing up - extra drama, huge budgets, military involvement, etc.
• Option 2: how could this possibly work? No one knows what is in there, or what is deadly or not, but it's still doable to make it into a park and somehow make the deadly animals stick to a few well-known and fenced off spaces? We're talking Lovecraft style here - Old Gods and horrors powerful enough to drive people insane just by revealing themselves.
• Option 3: solid enough (no need to split into A and B), but the effect doesn't make sense: if religion brandishes something as evil, the religious people would be staying away from it at all costs - the polar opposites of making pilgrimages to it. Could be changed to something like "Religious missionaries draw straws to see who will be the next to be eaten alive by Shub-Niggurath" or "Local @@DEMONYM@@ place bets on how many verses the next religious missionary will be capable of screaming before being eaten alive by Shub-Niggurath".
• Option 4 is plain business. Nothing wrong as such, but it doesn't fit the narrative very well; how could someone "just" convert a place of unspeakable horror into an amusement park? What are those "government secrets" and what do they have to do with this issue? Feels out of place here.
• Option 5 is funny, but again, how would a tribe of humans bulldoze underground areas and slaughter monstrosities of immense power?
• Option 6 lacks any point at all. Send in scientists, but at the same time don't explore? Conspiracy theories? Huh?

I'd get rid of option 2/4/6, change 5 so tribes start worshipping the monstrosities as deities or something. I would probably also add an option where the military steps in, and wants to use the horrors for weapons (which is probably the first thing that would actually happen, if such an event would take place in real life...).

[Trotterdam]

I don't think it's very realistic. There might be rumors of a horrible monster in the area, but having it be explicit that there really is one doesn't fit with the established canon of NationStates issues.

Besides, Lovecraft's abominations weren't as bad as people make them out to be. Modern military technology would make short work of most of them.

[North Diamond Isles]

I'm not overly excited about this - I'm a big fan of Lovecraft, but this didn't really grip me; Lovecraft always had an unnameable sense of impending doom hovering over everything, which is lacking here.

Some extra things that would need addressing, in my opinion:

• Six options is way too much
• You've split some of them up in a way that doesn't add much value to the issue (the only difference between the A and B options are minimal).
• Option 1 is pretty solid, just needs some beefing up - extra drama, huge budgets, military involvement, etc.
• Option 2: how could this possibly work? No one knows what is in there, or what is deadly or not, but it's still doable to make it into a park and somehow make the deadly animals stick to a few well-known and fenced off spaces? We're talking Lovecraft style here - Old Gods and horrors powerful enough to drive people insane just by revealing themselves.
• Option 3: solid enough (no need to split into A and B), but the effect doesn't make sense: if religion brandishes something as evil, the religious people would be staying away from it at all costs - the polar opposites of making pilgrimages to it. Could be changed to something like "Religious missionaries draw straws to see who will be the next to be eaten alive by Shub-Niggurath" or "Local @@DEMONYM@@ place bets on how many verses the next religious missionary will be capable of screaming before being eaten alive by Shub-Niggurath".
• Option 4 is plain business. Nothing wrong as such, but it doesn't fit the narrative very well; how could someone "just" convert a place of unspeakable horror into an amusement park? What are those "government secrets" and what do they have to do with this issue? Feels out of place here.
  
  Alright, thanks for the criticism/advice. I'll get to work on modifying the draft.
• Option 5 is funny, but again, how would a tribe of humans bulldoze underground areas and slaughter monstrosities of immense power?
• Option 6 lacks any point at all. Send in scientists, but at the same time don't explore? Conspiracy theories? Huh?

I'd get rid of option 2/4/6, change 5 so tribes start worshipping the monstrosities as deities or something. I would probably also add an option where the military steps in, and wants to use the horrors for weapons (which is probably the first thing that would actually happen, if such an event would take place in real life...).

[The Diamond Isles]

woops i forgot to log off my puppet

[Candlewhisper Archive]

I agree with Trotterdam.

I like the Mythos too, as evidenced by the issue The Queen in Yellow, but this one feels too far outside the accepted story of NS.

[Australian rePublic]

This isn't too unrealistic. With a bit of tweaking, you can make it more vague about whether or not this creature exists, and Bob's your uncle

Here's something you can use for inspiration:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Houska_Castle

[Rohendia]

After a little over two weeks of rewriting, The Diamond Isles and I created a second draft. We removed most of the options and rewrote the rest; we also added a military option.

[Australian rePublic]

So you discovered a new animal? How is this a leader issue rather than a science issue?

[The Diamond Isles]

So you discovered a new animal? How is this a leader issue rather than a science issue?

I'm confused, could you elaborate on what you mean?

[Australian rePublic]

So you discovered a new animal? How is this a leader issue rather than a science issue?

I'm confused, could you elaborate on what you mean?

A new animal was found. Why does leader care?

[The Diamond Isles]

I'm confused, could you elaborate on what you mean?

A new animal was found. Why does leader care?

I'm still semi-confused as to how you're trying to come across as, it's a giant chasm with undiscovered highly dangerous lifeforms. Why wouldn't people come to leader seeking guidance or reassurance? It's a situation that would mandate it as a high priority type of thing.

[Rohendia]

A new animal was found. Why does leader care?

I'm still semi-confused as to how you're trying to come across as, it's a giant chasm with undiscovered highly dangerous lifeforms. Why wouldn't people come to leader seeking guidance or reassurance? It's a situation that would mandate it as a high priority type of thing.

Maybe he's saying that the line with the creature eating the camera is drawing away from what we're actually trying to present - a chasm with supposedly "ooky spooky" schtuff in it. Current draft makes it look like the creature is the impetus, not the chasm itself.
Even so, Leader can close off the pit where the creatures live to the public - i.e. choices 1 and 3 - until it's contained or at least well documented enough to not be a threat.

[The Diamond Isles]

I'm still semi-confused as to how you're trying to come across as, it's a giant chasm with undiscovered highly dangerous lifeforms. Why wouldn't people come to leader seeking guidance or reassurance? It's a situation that would mandate it as a high priority type of thing.

Maybe he's saying that the line with the creature eating the camera is drawing away from what we're actually trying to present - a chasm with supposedly "ooky spooky" schtuff in it. Current draft makes it look like the creature is the impetus, not the chasm itself.
Even so, Leader can close off the pit where the creatures live to the public - i.e. choices 1 and 3 - until it's contained or at least well documented enough to not be a threat.

I see

[USS Monitor]

So... IRL, there are caves with mysterious life forms that do not exist anywhere else, and that we know very little about. One way it can happen is if there's a huge sulfur content in the atmosphere of the cave, so you get species that breathe sulfur instead of oxygen. There might be other types, but the sulfur caves are what I've read about. There are also volcanic lakes that have unusual chemistry, and weird things living in them.

But these things are usually not a threat to the nations where they exist. Finding a new one is not an issue that urgently requires a decision from the leader of the nation.

It might work as an environmental conservation issue, with more emphasis on protecting the unusual creatures rather than playing them up as a threat. Though you'd have to set it apart from other "what to do with this endangered species" issues.

Or you could make it more of an urgent problem by having something found under a major city -- for example while digging a subway tunnel.

Or you could come up with some other take that I haven't thought of.

Your writing is decent, but I'm not sold on this draft in its current form.

[The Diamond Isles]

So... IRL, there are caves with mysterious life forms that do not exist anywhere else, and that we know very little about. One way it can happen is if there's a huge sulfur content in the atmosphere of the cave, so you get species that breathe sulfur instead of oxygen. There might be other types, but the sulfur caves are what I've read about. There are also volcanic lakes that have unusual chemistry, and weird things living in them.

But these things are usually not a threat to the nations where they exist. Finding a new one is not an issue that urgently requires a decision from the leader of the nation.

It might work as an environmental conservation issue, with more emphasis on protecting the unusual creatures rather than playing them up as a threat. Though you'd have to set it apart from other "what to do with this endangered species" issues.

Or you could make it more of an urgent problem by having something found under a major city -- for example while digging a subway tunnel.

Or you could come up with some other take that I haven't thought of.

Your writing is decent, but I'm not sold on this draft in its current form.

Alright, thanks for the criticism/tip. I'll go get back to work on it with Rohendia and edit it so it might make more sense based on the "environmental protection" or "mystery under a major city".

[Trotterdam]

So... IRL, there are caves with mysterious life forms that do not exist anywhere else, and that we know very little about. One way it can happen is if there's a huge sulfur content in the atmosphere of the cave, so you get species that breathe sulfur instead of oxygen. There might be other types, but the sulfur caves are what I've read about. There are also volcanic lakes that have unusual chemistry, and weird things living in them.

But these things are usually not a threat to the nations where they exist.

This is, I'll note, specifically because creatures living in marginal environments tend to be small, weak, and slow due to their limited access to food, compared to creatures living in more conventional environments where life is easy and so there's lots to eat.