[SUBMITTED] Run, not Hide

[Apabeossie]

Given that nobody else has inserted anymore suggestions or critiques after your bump, it seems like a good indicator you should submit this.

I still have to pick one of my third options, improve the writing in it, add humor if possible, then submit.

[Apabeossie]

Any more to do? Electrum chose the 3rd option 3 so if there are no more opinions, I'll pick that one, review it a bit, and submit it.

[Authoritaria-Imperia]

Run, not hide

Validity: No Child Self-Rearing

Description: Yesterday, a house in @@CAPITAL@@ caught fire while two 7-year-old children were home alone. A neighbor spotted the blaze and alerted firefighters, who found the children in a closet trying to hide from the flames. Fortunately, the children were rescued before they were suffocated by the smoke.


Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping fire. Quick, @@LEADER@@, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."

Result: practicing stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favorite playtime game.


Option 2: "Wait, the parents left children ALONE at home?" cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, with @@HIS@@ tired and uninterested children behind @@HIM@@ on a leash. "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone, this situation would have never happened! You should mandate that children have at least one adult protector with them 24/7 who can get them out in an emergency. It's the only way to keep children safe."

Result: teen parties are often ruined by wet-blanket adults hanging around.

Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "All this is unnecessary if we have better technology, you know. We just need better sprinklers, fire detectors and fire slides that you can use to get out of your house, you know. Sure, there will be a lot of houses to install these, but it's worth the cost, you know."

Result: children are too afraid to go down fire slides.

Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there's nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn at all right? Just mandate that all, yes all furniture, objects, and clothing be fire-resistant. Also, children should have a child-tracking device in their wrist all of the time, so parents can keep an eye on them. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

Result: kids are expected to find their way home from their preschool on their own.

Just some little things:

• Using "@@LEADER@@ twice at the end of option one is going to sound repetitive. I'd drop "Quick, @@LEADER@@,".
• Your effect lines are ended with periods; those should be removed.
• I still think the "children on a leash" thing is too much, it sounds a lot like child abuse. But I think I've mentioned that in one of my earlier replies.
• "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone" in the second option sounds redundant too. I'd try something like "If they hadn't been so neglectful".
• "would have never happened": I think this should sound better with the "have" and "never" switched around.
• A little more redundancy, with "children" repeated twice in succession at the end of option two, saying "them" will help.
• I don't understand the last effect line at all. It's a hyper-safety option, at the expense of civil rights, and the effect line flies in the face of both of those. I'd try something else.

This issue really is coming along though. Kudos for sticking with it for so long.

[Apabeossie]

Just some little things:

• Using "@@LEADER@@ twice at the end of option one is going to sound repetitive. I'd drop "Quick, @@LEADER@@,".
• Your effect lines are ended with periods; those should be removed.
• I still think the "children on a leash" thing is too much, it sounds a lot like child abuse. But I think I've mentioned that in one of my earlier replies.
• "If those uncaring parents hadn’t left their kids at home alone" in the second option sounds redundant too. I'd try something like "If they hadn't been so neglectful".
• "would have never happened": I think this should sound better with the "have" and "never" switched around.
• A little more redundancy, with "children" repeated twice in succession at the end of option two, saying "them" will help.
• I don't understand the last effect line at all. It's a hyper-safety option, at the expense of civil rights, and the effect line flies in the face of both of those. I'd try something else.

This issue really is coming along though. Kudos for sticking with it for so long.

Fixed the redundancies! ;D

I don't understand the last effect line at all. It's a hyper-safety option, at the expense of civil rights, and the effect line flies in the face of both of those. I'd try something else.

I didn't fix the effect line when I changed the option XD

I'm picking one of these for my third option.

And I finally wrote my three third options! (it didn't take long, it took only an hour I was just busy/lazy)

Option 3: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there's nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and it would be good for our citizens, you know. Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

Result: Campers struggle to produce heat as "firewood" is made fireproof.

Option 3: "Halo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ appears out of nowhere. "All zis could be easier with drones...drones zat can carry powder, an yas, iven find children....ve von't need to risk lives vith drones...throw some funding to me...this new technology vill save lives..."

Result: drones are tasked with putting out birthday candles.

Option 3: "H-Hi...." you see there's a child, @@RANDOMNAME@@, standing at the door, the child at the center of this event. "F-fire monster and...f-firefighter save me...m-more firefighters...and more FIRE TRUCKS! then me safe..." @@HE@@ slowly closes the door and says "bye!"

Result: there's a fire station on every block.

Once again thanks for the feedback! They're really helpful

[Electrum]

Alright, maybe that third option 3 wasn't as good, because now Option 1 and 3 are really similar in their effect (give more funding to the fire department), so it looks like you'll need to choose an alternative option 3.

[Apabeossie]

Alright, maybe that third option 3 wasn't as good, because now Option 1 and 3 are really similar in their effect (give more funding to the fire department), so it looks like you'll need to choose an alternative option 3.

yeah. It definitely overlaps.

[Apabeossie]

I have a few other issue ideas so I'd like to submit this fast, I still need more feedback on what I would pick as my third option or the issue in general.

[Drasnia]

I have a few other issue ideas so I'd like to submit this fast, I still need more feedback on what I would pick as my third option or the issue in general.

No need to submit it so quickly. You're allowed to have multiple open draft threads at a time. If you're struggling with this and want to do other projects, just put it on hold, do the other things, then come back to this later - even if it's months later.

You'll save a lot of time making sure this draft is high quality than you would by submitting it soon. Half-baked drafts either get discarded or end up sitting around for a long time before an editor might feel like it's time to tackle it. A fantastic draft gets fast-tracked to publication.

[Apabeossie]

I have a few other issue ideas so I'd like to submit this fast, I still need more feedback on what I would pick as my third option or the issue in general.

No need to submit it so quickly. You're allowed to have multiple open draft threads at a time. If you're struggling with this and want to do other projects, just put it on hold, do the other things, then come back to this later - even if it's months later.

You'll save a lot of time making sure this draft is high quality than you would by submitting it soon. Half-baked drafts either get discarded or end up sitting around for a long time before an editor might feel like it's time to tackle it. A fantastic draft gets fast-tracked to publication.

Alright. I'll write a few drafts and work more on the one that seems best.

[Apabeossie]

asking if anyone wants to do feedback, I'm starting to work on another one so I'm asking if I should carry on with this or do the new one if it seems more solid.

[Apabeossie]

It does seem hypocritical to urge people to reply when me myself is quite slow, but still in need of a bump.

[Apabeossie]

anyone? I've received two feedbacks from Cretox and Sparta and one vote for both of the drafts.

[Outer Sparta]

anyone? I've received two feedbacks from Cretox and Sparta and one vote for both of the drafts.

Have you consulted more people on which draft is better?

[Daarwyrth]

Personally, I prefer option 3 of the second draft. It's for 2 reasons:

1. The mad German scientist is a trope I have seen so often in my youth watching cartoons that at this point it misses its mark with me xD this is not aimed at your rendition of the mad German scientist, but more of the trope in a general sense.
2. I can picture fire resistant material better than the use of the drones, because what would the drones do specifically? Pull the children out of there? You'd need a really big drone for that, I believe.

As such, my personal preference goes to the second draft. But, if you really can't decide, why not include both in your draft? It's okay to have 4 options, I'd wager

[Apabeossie]

Personally, I prefer option 3 of the second draft. It's for 2 reasons:

1. The mad German scientist is a trope I have seen so often in my youth watching cartoons that at this point it misses its mark with me xD this is not aimed at your rendition of the mad German scientist, but more of the trope in a general sense.
2. I can picture fire resistant material better than the use of the drones, because what would the drones do specifically? Pull the children out of there? You'd need a really big drone for that, I believe.

As such, my personal preference goes to the second draft. But, if you really can't decide, why not include both in your draft? It's okay to have 4 options, I'd wager

Ooh right. xD Having both options could be better. Right now I'll put both, and abandon the mad scientist option if it seems to weak. Thanks for the suggestion ;D
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I also highlighted a few changes I made I'd like some feedback on those ;D

[SherpDaWerp]

I'm pretty much just nitpicking this one.

Option 3: "Halo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ appears out of nowhere. "All zis could be easier with virevighting drones...drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, an yas, iven find children using cameras...ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones...throw some funding to drone development...this new technology vill save lives..."

Result: drones are tasked with putting out birthday candles

I would spell "halo" with two Ls, to make it clearer you mean "Hello"-with-an-accent and not "Halo"-the-video-game-franchise.

The "appearing out of nowhere" gag could be better - "@@RANDOMNAME@@, appearing out of nowhere." is more concise than currently written - though it's not a particularly strong joke anyway. You don't learn anything more about @@HIS@@ character by that. The best "characterisation" gives you a little insight into the character of the person while being funny. Like you've done in option 2. The tired and disinterested children tells you more about the speaker's character, and adds an element of humor via irony.

Also, "tasked with" in the effect line makes the behaviour sound intentional. That might be what you were going for, but I think it would be funnier if that wasn't the case - someone's having a birthday party and the designated fire-fighting drone appears to put out the candles unbidden.

Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and that would be good for our citizens, you know." He opens his fireproof suitcase. "Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

Result: campers struggle to produce heat as "firewood" is made fireproof

The effect line could be punchier - the joke is fine now, but telling it in a more concise manner will really make it great.

[Apabeossie]

I'm pretty much just nitpicking this one.

Option 3: "Halo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ appears out of nowhere. "All zis could be easier with virevighting drones...drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, an yas, iven find children using cameras...ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones...throw some funding to drone development...this new technology vill save lives..."

Result: drones are tasked with putting out birthday candles

I would spell "halo" with two Ls, to make it clearer you mean "Hello"-with-an-accent and not "Halo"-the-video-game-franchise.

The "appearing out of nowhere" gag could be better - "@@RANDOMNAME@@, appearing out of nowhere." is more concise than currently written - though it's not a particularly strong joke anyway. You don't learn anything more about @@HIS@@ character by that. The best "characterisation" gives you a little insight into the character of the person while being funny. Like you've done in option 2. The tired and disinterested children tells you more about the speaker's character, and adds an element of humor via irony.

Also, "tasked with" in the effect line makes the behaviour sound intentional. That might be what you were going for, but I think it would be funnier if that wasn't the case - someone's having a birthday party and the designated fire-fighting drone appears to put out the candles unbidden.

Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and that would be good for our citizens, you know." He opens his fireproof suitcase. "Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

Result: campers struggle to produce heat as "firewood" is made fireproof

The effect line could be punchier - the joke is fine now, but telling it in a more concise manner will really make it great.

Thanks Sherp! I'll take the advice into the draft

[Apabeossie]

Changed the last two effect lines! Also edited part of option 3 although it might be a bit long.

(We're both procrastinating aren't we? )

[Apabeossie]

(bumped on Aug 27th, Sep 13, Sep 19)
This draft is reaching its final form, however I would like a solid draft before deciding to submit it. Any type of feedback would be very appreciated.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and that would be good for our citizens, you know." He opens his fireproof suitcase. "Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

Result: cooking involves rubbing sticks to produce heat

Sticks aren't fire-resistant. Ovens and microwaves wouldn't be stopped by this legislation.

Maybe:

result: toast never burns but always has a weird chemical taste

[Apabeossie]

Alright. I'll take that into account.

Also moving to last call.

[Verdant Haven]

Hey there! I've just returned after being away from the GI forum for a bit, and I recognized this one right away :-D Glad to see it still trucking along!

I have just a couple more minor feedback items for your Last Call here:

Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping the fire. Quick, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."

For the last sentence, I would probably say "get on your hands and knees and follow me" instead of the covering nose and mouth bit. Getting low to the ground is key to evacuating from a fire, and is what I know I was taught when the fire department came 'round to my elementary school back in the day.

Result: practicing stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game

I would drop the word "practicing" and just says that stop-drop-and-roll is their favorite game

Option 3: "Hallo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding a large drone labelled (fire)fighter drone. "All zis could be easier with virevighting drones...drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, an yas, iven find children using cameras...ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones...throw some funding to drone development...this new technology vill save lives..."

Bearing in mind that many of the people playing this game have English as a second or third language, I might try to make this a little easier to read. While I get that this speaker is supposed to have a fake German accent in the tradition of childrens' cartoon mad scientists, and a lilt to match, there might be one too many ellipses in there. Some of those are sentences, so would just be periods rather than elisions. Another thing that could help is that German has a very clear F sound, so "firefighting" would be pronounced as such (V in German can be pronounced as /f/, but F is never pronounced as /v/). A final thought that might improve readability would be using the actual German "und ja" (or something that sounds like it) instead of the confusing "an yas" which doesn't really match the accent. Apologies if this isn't meant as a German accent - that's what I expect when i see the Z substitution for /ð/ being used. Basically, even as somebody with extensive training in sight-reading dialectal prose, I had trouble understanding this on first read.

Unrelated to the dialect, unless I missed a joke here, I might refer to the item being held as a "clearly-labeled firefighting drone" rather than "drone labeled firefighter drone." Will help again with the readability - the word drone is used a lot.

Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and that would be good for our citizens, you know." He opens his fireproof suitcase. "Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

In order to both provide identity to the speaker and avoid splitting the dialogue tags, I might describe @@RANDOMNAME@@ as "holding an asbestos garment bag" or something similar. You could then remove the "He opens his fireproof suitcase" bit and allow the text to flow straight through.

In order to keep the focus on the combined risk of children+fire that makes this issue unique, as opposed to just fire generically, consider having it say something like "That way the fire won't spread, and children like these won't face life or death situations" instead of the "good for our citizens" bit. That would keep the effect and implication identical, but would make it feel like it's really in response to the issue presented.

Result: cooking involves rubbing sticks to produce heat

As CWA pointed out, rubbing sticks wouldn't be much use, since they wouldn't have any fuel to light on fire! One could put a reference to cooking with the sun and a magnifying glass? Solar ovens are a thing, and cooking on sun-warmed rocks is definitely a longstanding real-world technique.


I continue to like this concept, and love all the work you've put in.

[Apabeossie]

Hey there! I've just returned after being away from the GI forum for a bit, and I recognized this one right away :-D Glad to see it still trucking along!

I have just a couple more minor feedback items for your Last Call here:

Option 1: "This is clearly an educational issue," says Fire Chief @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, holding up a weighty fire safety manual. "Children unfamiliar with fire view it as a predator to hide from. If we teach kids how to evacuate properly, things like this won’t happen again! @@LEADER@@, you should add fire safety into the national curriculum and provide grants for the fire department, so we can teach kids about escaping the fire. Quick, cover your nose and mouth and follow me."

For the last sentence, I would probably say "get on your hands and knees and follow me" instead of the covering nose and mouth bit. Getting low to the ground is key to evacuating from a fire, and is what I know I was taught when the fire department came 'round to my elementary school back in the day.

Result: practicing stop-drop-and-roll is kindergartners' favourite playtime game

I would drop the word "practicing" and just says that stop-drop-and-roll is their favorite game

Option 3: "Hallo @@LEADER@@, I've heard zat you're having izzues with fire..." says scientist @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding a large drone labelled (fire)fighter drone. "All zis could be easier with virevighting drones...drones zat can carry powder to put off fire, an yas, iven find children using cameras...ve von't need to risk losing lives vith drones...throw some funding to drone development...this new technology vill save lives..."

Bearing in mind that many of the people playing this game have English as a second or third language, I might try to make this a little easier to read. While I get that this speaker is supposed to have a fake German accent in the tradition of childrens' cartoon mad scientists, and a lilt to match, there might be one too many ellipses in there. Some of those are sentences, so would just be periods rather than elisions. Another thing that could help is that German has a very clear F sound, so "firefighting" would be pronounced as such (V in German can be pronounced as /f/, but F is never pronounced as /v/). A final thought that might improve readability would be using the actual German "und ja" (or something that sounds like it) instead of the confusing "an yas" which doesn't really match the accent. Apologies if this isn't meant as a German accent - that's what I expect when i see the Z substitution for /ð/ being used. Basically, even as somebody with extensive training in sight-reading dialectal prose, I had trouble understanding this on first read.

Unrelated to the dialect, unless I missed a joke here, I might refer to the item being held as a "clearly-labeled firefighting drone" rather than "drone labeled firefighter drone." Will help again with the readability - the word drone is used a lot.

Option 4: "We don't need to do all of that, you know," says @@RANDOMNAME@@. "When there is nothing in the house to burn, the fire won't burn, you know. Just mandate that all, yes, all objects be fire-resistant. That way the fire won't spread, and that would be good for our citizens, you know." He opens his fireproof suitcase. "Here, I've brought a new fireproof suit for you."

In order to both provide identity to the speaker and avoid splitting the dialogue tags, I might describe @@RANDOMNAME@@ as "holding an asbestos garment bag" or something similar. You could then remove the "He opens his fireproof suitcase" bit and allow the text to flow straight through.

In order to keep the focus on the combined risk of children+fire that makes this issue unique, as opposed to just fire generically, consider having it say something like "That way the fire won't spread, and children like these won't face life or death situations" instead of the "good for our citizens" bit. That would keep the effect and implication identical, but would make it feel like it's really in response to the issue presented.

Result: cooking involves rubbing sticks to produce heat

As CWA pointed out, rubbing sticks wouldn't be much use, since they wouldn't have any fuel to light on fire! One could put a reference to cooking with the sun and a magnifying glass? Solar ovens are a thing, and cooking on sun-warmed rocks is definitely a longstanding real-world technique.


I continue to like this concept, and love all the work you've put in.

Thanks Verdant! There were a lot of things to improve in my draft and pointing those out. I'll look at the suggestions. ^^

[Apabeossie]

Did with Verdant's suggestions.

Unrelated to the dialect, unless I missed a joke here, I might refer to the item being held as a "clearly-labeled firefighting drone" rather than "drone labeled firefighter drone." Will help again with the readability - the word drone is used a lot.

That was the joke there. Originally that drone was created as a fighter drone until the scientist decided to change it.
(Gahh I had a better joke for this. and I forgot.)

As CWA pointed out, rubbing sticks wouldn't be much use, since they wouldn't have any fuel to light on fire! One could put a reference to cooking with the sun and a magnifying glass? Solar ovens are a thing, and cooking on sun-warmed rocks is definitely a longstanding real-world technique.

I'll took CWA's for now, but thanks for the awesome suggestion!!

Thanks again to everyone who helped me out in this draft. This draft will go into submission in a few days and all last-minute suggestions are welcome!

I hate myself. I am not able to get anything awesome out of my head.

[Apabeossie]

bumping again.