[Submitted] The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

[Socialist Communist States]

I've had this idea for a while ever since I saw H.M.S. Pinafore. This idea is mainly based from the song 'The Ruler of The Queen's Navy/When I Was a Lad.'

Well, give me your most honest feedback.

Submitted

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
The navy has seen a rise in naval accidents, and most recently two of its best ships have collided with each other during a routine patrol. The recent spike has led to calls for a change in leadership in the Admiralty, with officers giving their own views on running the navy.

[OPTION1]: During an inspection of the navy at the dockyard, Captain Corkrun discusses the issue with you: "@@LEADER@@, a change in leadership is necessary for the navy. I believe that the cause in all these accidents is from stress. Too many of our fellow seamen are overworked and treated harshly. If you were to appoint me, I'd make sure they are respected. I think a simple lesson in manners is a good start."

[OUTCOME]: sailors demand their superiors say "If you please?" if they want a job done

[OPTION2]: As you continue your inspection, a ship crashes its hull into port. You go up to inspect the incident, but you notice the current Admiral of the Fleet, Joseph Mortar, run out of the ship towards you. "Look," he pants. "These ships are a floating wreck. If we had the money to build better armour, our fleet would be able to resist anything that hit them! Give me the funding, and our navy will be in ship-shape."

[OUTCOME]: ships no longer receive holes when christened by a bottle

[OPTION3]: "Don't tell me he's rammed that ship again!" shouts Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan. "The navy here has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Funding or stress isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge, and I'll whip them into shape. Literally!"

[OUTCOME]: back scars are the new trend in the navy

[Adds 'Corporal Punishment' Policy]

[OPTION4]: "Hold it," shouts an anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@, rowing in to dock on a dinghy. "@@LEADER@@, appoint me, and I'll abolish the navy. It's too large as it is. We're spending millions on a fleet, and for what? Some future war. Let's use that money on the navy for something else. Having a large fleet is why these accidents happen. It'd be best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

---

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
When one of your navy's ship has an accident and crashes its stem into one of your offices near the port, there are concerns raised about the safety of the fleet.

[OPTION1]: "Good heavens!" exclaims the offending Admiral of the ship, Joseph Mortar, as he walks from the stem into the big hole in your office. "All this seafaring is quite dangerous. I think the government should do more to make the navy safer for me, er, everyone. You could start by moving my command post more landwards."

[OUTCOME]: admirals tend to stick close to their desks and never go to sea

[OPTION2]: "Excuse me, sir," asks cabin boy, Horatio Neilson, who you notice is helping to clean the mess so carefully. "The reason this blunder occurred is because most of our ships are out of date, and many of us are overworked. If you'd invest more in the navy and helped to reduce our stress, then I'm sure another event like this won't occur."

[OUTCOME]: captains routinely say "If you'd, please?" if they want a job done

[OPTION3]: A loud banging on the door comes, and the building dangerously creaks. "What in blazes is all this!" shouts Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan, storming through the door. "The navy has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Safety isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge @@LEADER@@, and I'll whip them into shape, so this blunder doesn't happen again."

[OUTCOME]: seamen who think very often get rewarded with flogging

[OPTION4]: You hear a voice coming from the gaping hole, which causes the building to shake even more. "That's not the real problem," shouts the strangely anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should abolish the navy. Having a large fleet is bound to cause problems. We'd best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

Here's the second draft. I decided to rewrite all 4 [OPTIONS]. I changed it to make sure that everyone wanted to be appointed (or in [OPTION1]'s case, stay appointed). I also decided to make clearer what [OPTION1] and [OPTION4]'s view were. However, I decided to keep the [OUTCOME]s the same. I want to hear another opinion before I change any of them.

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
When one of your navy's ship has an accident and crashes its stem into one of your offices near the port, there are concerns raised about the safety of the fleet.

[OPTION1]: "Good heavens!" exclaims the offending Admiral of the ship, Joseph Mortar, as he walks from the stem into the big hole in your office. "All this seafaring is quite dangerous, which brings up an interesting point: In a modern war, an admiral should not be on his ship, where death is likely, but somewhere far away from the battle. Send me somewhere landwards with a radio, where I can command my men from a distance. That'll save my, er, solve our problems."

[OUTCOME]: admirals tend to stick close to their desks and never go to sea

[OPTION2]: "Excuse me, sir," asks cabin boy, Horatio Neilson, who you notice is helping to clean the mess so carefully. "The reason this blunder occurred is because most of our ships are out of date, and many of us are overworked. If you'd appoint me, and relieved Admiral Mortar, I'd invest more in the navy and help reduce the stress by treating the fellow seamen better. With all this, I'm sure another event like this won't occur."

[OUTCOME]: captains routinely say "If you'd, please?" if they want a job done

[OPTION3]: A loud banging on the door comes, and the building dangerously creaks. "What in blazes is all this!" shouts Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan, storming through the door. "The navy has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Safety isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge @@LEADER@@, and I'll whip them into shape, so this blunder doesn't happen again."

[OUTCOME]: seamen who think very often get rewarded with flogging

[OPTION4]: You hear a voice coming from the gaping hole, which causes the building to shake even more. "Hold it," shouts the strangely anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "@@LEADER@@, If you appoint me, I'll abolish the navy. Our navy is too large as it is already. We're spending millions on a fleet, and for what? For war! I am opposed to having warships. Let's use that money on the navy for something else. Having a large fleet is bound to cause problems, anyways. We'd best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

Third Draft. Decided to make it a mock naval battle going terribly wrong. I changed some of the outcomes and edited the third and fourth options a bit.

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
A training exercise by the navy goes awry, and many of @@NAME@@'s best ships get capsized. One of the ships crashes its stem in your office where you were watching. There are now concerns raised about the safety and competence of the fleet.

[OPTION1]: "Good heavens!" exclaims the offending Admiral of the ship, Joseph Mortar, as he walks from the stem into the big hole in your office. "All this seafaring is quite dangerous, which brings up an interesting point: In a modern war, an admiral should not be on his ship, where death is likely, but somewhere far away from the battle. Send me somewhere landwards with a radio, where I can command my men from a distance. That'll save my, er, solve our problems."

[OUTCOME]: admirals stick close to their radio desks and never go to sea

[OPTION2]: "Excuse me, sir," asks cabin boy, Horatio Neilson, who you notice is helping to clean the mess so carefully. "The reason this blunder occurred is because most of our ships are out of date, and many of us are overworked. If you'd appoint me, and relieved Admiral Mortar, I'd invest more in the navy and help reduce the stress by treating the fellow seamen better. With all this, I'm sure another event like this won't occur."

[OUTCOME]: cabin boys demand their superiors to say "If you'd, please?" if they want a job done

[OPTION3]: A loud banging on the door comes, and the building dangerously creaks. "What in blazes is all this!" shouts Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan, storming through the door. "The navy has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Safety isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge @@LEADER@@, and I'll whip them into shape, so this blunder doesn't happen again."

[OUTCOME]: seamen who think very often get rewarded with flogging

[OPTION4]: You hear a voice coming from the gaping hole, which causes the building to shake even more. "Hold it," shouts the strangely anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "@@LEADER@@, If you appoint me, I'll abolish the navy. Our navy is too large as it is already. We're spending millions on a fleet, and for what? For war! I am opposed to war, and these warships represent that. Let's use that money on the navy for something else. Having a large fleet is bound to cause problems, anyways. We'd best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
The navy has seen a rise in naval accidents, and most recently two of its best ships have collided with each other during a routine patrol. The recent spike has led to calls for a change in leadership in the Admiralty, with officers giving their own views on running the navy.

[OPTION1]: During an inspection of the navy at the dockyard, Captain Corkrun discusses the issue with you: "@@LEADER@@, a change in leadership is necessary in the navy. I believe that the cause in all these accidents is from stress. Too many of our fellow seamen are overworked and treated harshly. If you were to appoint me, I'd ensure conditions improved for them. I think a simple lesson in manners is a good start for our commanding officers."

[OUTCOME]: sailors demand their superiors say "If you please?' if they want a job done

[OPTION2]: As you continue your inspection, a ship crashes its hull into port. You go up to inspect the incident, but you notice the current Admiral of the Fleet, Joseph Mortar, run out of the ship towards you. "I got here as soon as possible," he pants. "Look, trying to command an entire fleet while onboard gets very confusing. Sometimes my orders get mixed up, and it leads to accidents like this," he points to the ship. "Seafaring is a dangerous job. In a modern war, an admiral should not be onboard, where death is likely but somewhere far away. Send me landwards to a radio station, where I can command my men from a distance. That'll save my, er, solve our problems."

[OUTCOME]: admirals stick close to their desks and never go to sea

[OPTION3]: "Isn't this the same ship that rammed one of our own during patrol?" questions Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan, who pushes his way towards you. "Anyways, the navy here has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Safety or stress isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge, and I'll whip them into shape."

[OUTCOME]: seamen who think very often get rewarded with flogging

[OPTION4]: "Hold it," shouts the anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@, rowing in to dock on a dinghy. "@@LEADER@@, If you appoint me, I'll abolish the navy. It's too large as it is. We're spending millions on a fleet, and for what? Some future war that we'll waste more money on. Let's use that money on the navy for something else. Having a large fleet is bound to cause problems, anyways. It'd be best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

TITLE:
The Ruler of @@LEADER@@'s Navy

DESCRIPTION:
The navy has seen a rise in naval accidents, and most recently two of its best ships have collided with each other during a routine patrol. The recent spike has led to calls for a change in leadership in the Admiralty, with officers giving their own views on running the navy.

[OPTION1]: During an inspection of the navy at the dockyard, Captain Corkrun discusses the issue with you: "@@LEADER@@, a change in leadership is necessary in the navy. I believe that the cause in all these accidents is from stress. Too many of our fellow seamen are overworked and treated harshly. If you were to appoint me, I'd ensure conditions improved for them. I think a simple lesson in manners is a good start for our commanding officers."

[OUTCOME]: sailors demand their superiors say "If you please?' if they want a job done

[OPTION2]: As you continue your inspection, a ship crashes its hull into port. You go up to inspect the incident, but you notice the current Admiral of the Fleet, Joseph Mortar, run out of the ship towards you. "I got here as soon as possible," he pants. "Look, these ships are a floating wreck. Most of them are out of date, and communications between the fleet are at best muffled. If we hadn't cut the navy's budget, we'd of had safer ships. Speaking of safety, why are Admirals even commanding an entire fleet onboard? In a modern war, an admiral should not be onboard, where death is likely but somewhere far away. Give me the funding, and send me landwards to a radio station, where I can command my men from a distance. That'll save my, er, solve our problems."

[OUTCOME]: admirals stick close to their desks and never go to sea

[OPTION3]: "Isn't this the same ship that rammed one of our own during patrol?" questions Major-General Gilbert O'Sullivan, who pushes his way towards you. "Anyways, the navy here has become nothing more than the model of a modern, major laughing-stock. Safety or stress isn't the problem: It's discipline! I may not know how the navy works, but I ruddy well know how to incite discipline. Put me in charge, and I'll whip them into shape."

[OUTCOME]: seamen who think very often get rewarded with flogging

[OPTION4]: "Hold it," shouts the anti-navy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@, rowing in to dock on a dinghy. "@@LEADER@@, If you appoint me, I'll abolish the navy. It's too large as it is. We're spending millions on a fleet, and for what? Some future war that we'll waste more money on. Let's use that money on the navy for something else. Having a large fleet is bound to cause problems, anyways. It'd be best just keeping a few small patrol boats."

[OUTCOME]: @@LEADER@@ neverminds the why or wherefore of a navy

[Makdon]

I think this is a pretty well written draft, but it definitely has some weak points. None of the outcomes are great. The strongest is the third one, but its wording is a bit clunky. I'd recommend writing it something like this: "Think too much can get seamen a flogging". As for the others, I'd recommend trying to rewrite, but I don't think any of the concepts are bad. The title also makes very little sense, unless I'm missing something.
If we break down the options, they seem to look like this:
1. cushy job for admiral
2. safer and better funded navy
3. harsh discipline
4. abolish navy for no real reason
options 2 and 3 seem reasonable, but 1 and 4, while comedic, don't make all too much sense. For 4, I'd recommend having the person raises some actual points against the navy to make it seems reasonable. As for 1, have him make an argument that superior officers should lead through radio(or something) from land, so as not to risk losing valuable people.

[Socialist Communist States]

None of the outcomes are great. The strongest is the third one, but its wording is a bit clunky. I'd recommend writing it something like this: "Think too much can get seamen a flogging". As for the others, I'd recommend trying to rewrite, but I don't think any of the concepts are bad.

Thanks, Sakamoto Makdon. I'll try to fix up the wording. Although, I was trying to quote or paraphrase some of the lines from the song, but I'll try to reword it and see how it looks.

The title also makes very little sense, unless I'm missing something.

I was trying to reference 'The Ruler of The Queen's Navy' from H.M.S. Pinafore, but looking at my draft it seems like it's less on who should run the navy and more on how the navy is run. I'll try to rewrite it so it fits along the title.

For 4, I'd recommend having the person raises some actual points against the navy to make it seems reasonable. As for 1, have him make an argument that superior officers should lead through radio(or something) from land, so as not to risk losing valuable people.

I got a few ideas from this. I could have option 4 be about economics and how its a burden, or having a large fleet could be seen as a future use for invading another nation and have them argue against it. For 1, I could say he is a commanding officer and having him out on the front lines is bad. I think I remember seeing a quote along the lines "A commanding officer should be behind the front lines...and if they're in battle on the firing line then they haven't done their job right." Something on those lines. Anyways, I'll see what I can write.

Thanks for the feedback. I'll start rewriting it.

[Socialist Communist States]

Updated to a second draft.

[Australian rePublic]

One single accidents the whole navy? Shouldn't whoever was in charge of that ship be repremanded? If the whole fleet sunk, then that's a different story

[Socialist Communist States]

One single accidents the whole navy? Shouldn't whoever was in charge of that ship be repremanded? If the whole fleet sunk, then that's a different story

Thanks for that. I decided to change it to make it a naval exercise gone wrong. Made a third draft.

[Trotterdam]

A ship capsizing in a training accident sounds plausible. A whole bunch of them doing so does not. Sounds to me like you'd call a stop to the training exercise as soon as the first accident happened.

[Australian rePublic]

One single accidents the whole navy? Shouldn't whoever was in charge of that ship be repremanded? If the whole fleet sunk, then that's a different story

Thanks for that. I decided to change it to make it a naval exercise gone wrong. Made a third draft.

Someone f^^ked up somewhere. This is an internal investigation. This is not a matter for @@LEADER@@. We need to findout who f$$ked up and act accordingly, not change our whole operations. At least I don't think so. This is just speculation. I reckon that if it ever did make to @@LEADER@@ the cause would have been determined

[Australian rePublic]

A ship capsizing in a training accident sounds plausible. A whole bunch of them doing so does not. Sounds to me like you'd call a stop to the training exercise as soon as the first accident happened.

I agree. Not even sure if @@LEADER@@ would get involved, but rather, whoever was in charge at the time

[Lelscrep]

This issue is looking pretty good now. If I may, I feel like there's some fat here that can still be trimmed off. Try possibly rewriting the options in another window and see if there's anything you can remove without losing parts that are important to you.

[Socialist Communist States]

A ship capsizing in a training accident sounds plausible. A whole bunch of them doing so does not. Sounds to me like you'd call a stop to the training exercise as soon as the first accident happened.

Someone f^^ked up somewhere. This is an internal investigation. This is not a matter for @@LEADER@@. We need to findout who f$$ked up and act accordingly, not change our whole operations. At least I don't think so. This is just speculation. I reckon that if it ever did make to @@LEADER@@ the cause would have been determined.

Not even sure if @@LEADER@@ would get involved, but rather, whoever was in charge at the time

This issue is looking pretty good now. If I may, I feel like there's some fat here that can still be trimmed off. Try possibly rewriting the options in another window and see if there's anything you can remove without losing parts that are important to you.

Thanks, guys. I decided to write on another window a new description. I decided to have one ship capsize and another crash in the office at the same time, with the following going like this:
"A lengthy investigation has been concluded, with recommendations that you appoint a new Admiral of the fleet to organise the navy.". I wonder if this is a better description? I decided, or at least want, to focus more on the appointment rather than the accident.

I've also rewrote the first option on my personal draft. But I'll probably add my draft on here after I know if my desc. is good enough.

[Bears Armed]

If your national leader's office is close enough to the waterfront for the off-course ship to hit it, doesn't that imply a strong enough naval heritage that they'd already have sorted this possibility out lonng ago?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

There's something here that is nicely reminiscent of The Navy Lark, and all the times HMS Troutbridge crashed into the docks. I have to say though, while Gilbert and Sullivan referencing is a fine thing, it's not enough to base a whole issue on.

However, as a story, this issue doesn't quite hang together. I think maybe revisit the presented premise, and try to present the story more as a sequence of events, with the goal of painting a picture in the mind's eye of the reader. Forget the options for now, and try to nail a better opening.

[Socialist Communist States]

If your national leader's office is close enough to the waterfront for the off-course ship to hit it, doesn't that imply a strong enough naval heritage that they'd already have sorted this possibility out lonng ago?

I was trying to make it more of a watching post, but I suppose I didn't clarify it as that. But thanks for that, though. I'll see what I'll make of it in the next draft.

There's something here that is nicely reminiscent of The Navy Lark, and all the times HMS Troutbridge crashed into the docks. I have to say though, while Gilbert and Sullivan referencing is a fine thing, it's not enough to base a whole issue on.

However, as a story, this issue doesn't quite hang together. I think maybe revisit the presented premise, and try to present the story more as a sequence of events, with the goal of painting a picture in the mind's eye of the reader. Forget the options for now, and try to nail a better opening.

Thanks for the suggestion. I suppose I'll have to go back to the drawing board on this one. A bit of a shame, but it's for the best. I'll keep your suggestion in mind when I create the next draft, which will probably only include the description. I have a couple of ideas written down (e.g a review on safety, an appointment position, etc).

Anyways, thanks for the suggestion guys. I'll see if I can nail a more better opening.

[Australian rePublic]

Here's a real life example you can use for inspiration

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melbour ... _collision

[Socialist Communist States]

Here's a real life example you can use for inspiration

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melbour ... _collision

Oh thank you very much! I was having some trouble, but this can help.

Cheers!

[Socialist Communist States]

New Draft

[Authoritaria-Imperia]

A sort-of fourth draft. I decided to incorporate some of the ideas from Australian rePublic with the whole Melbourne-Voyager Incident link they shared. I decided to just post the description. I have rewritten some of the options in my personal draft, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that the description was fine before I focused on the options.

DESCRIPTION:
A training exercise by the navy goes awry, and two of @@NAME@@'s best ships collide with each other. A lengthy investigation has concluded, but the exact cause has been difficult to find. However, many of your candidates for Admiral of the Fleet have their own view on the matter.

Interesting premise!
I think it's been brought up, but currently the issue has a very small scope. A single accident hardly seems like cause for upheaval and ideological changes. I suggest you provide a more significant stimulus for the change, like one (or more) of these:
- There has been a spike in naval crashes recently. Perhaps a change in leadership could improve things.
- Recent media has made @@NAME@@'s run-down Navy into a laughingstock.
- Your old Admiral has quit (for some hilarious reason, of course), and many officers are calling or a new approach (and volunteering themselves as replacements).
- Members of the Navy have gone on strike due to poor conditions/treatment. A number of new-Admiral-hopefuls are offering their own solutions.
Using a wider premise makes the issue more significant overall, and explains why a change in leadership is relevant.

And issues are generally written such that the stimulus/event has already happened. So instead of "A training exercise by the navy goes awry, and two of @@NAME@@'s best ships collide with each other.", you're probably better off with "A training exercise by the navy has gone awry, and two of @@NAME@@'s best ships have collided with each other." Or if you change the description , I suggest you do it to something in past tense.

Good luck!

[Socialist Communist States]

Interesting premise!
I think it's been brought up, but currently the issue has a very small scope. A single accident hardly seems like cause for upheaval and ideological changes. I suggest you provide a more significant stimulus for the change, like one (or more) of these:
- There has been a spike in naval crashes recently. Perhaps a change in leadership could improve things.
- Recent media has made @@NAME@@'s run-down Navy into a laughingstock.
- Your old Admiral has quit (for some hilarious reason, of course), and many officers are calling or a new approach (and volunteering themselves as replacements).
- Members of the Navy have gone on strike due to poor conditions/treatment. A number of new-Admiral-hopefuls are offering their own solutions.
Using a wider premise makes the issue more significant overall, and explains why a change in leadership is relevant.

And issues are generally written such that the stimulus/event has already happened. So instead of "A training exercise by the navy goes awry, and two of @@NAME@@'s best ships collide with each other.", you're probably better off with "A training exercise by the navy has gone awry, and two of @@NAME@@'s best ships have collided with each other." Or if you change the description , I suggest you do it to something in past tense.

Good luck!

Thank you so much! Your list has been very helpful. I'd been struggling a bit, but you've given me such a great list of ideas that I was able to actually make a draft on a few of them. I decided to stick with the first idea because I wanted to stick with consistency. Although I did really like the third option. Heres my draft for that option:

DESCRIPTION: Your Admiral of the Fleet has recently resigned after the discovery he was mixed up at birth with a child from Macronesia. He has returned to his nation, and many officers are volunteering to replace him.

It's another Pinafore reference. It was the first thing that came to my mind when I saw it. I'll probably save this as a backup if the whole navy accident doesn't work out, or rewrite it for another issue one day. Anyways, thanks for the feedback. It really helped.

Anyways, new draft desc.

[Authoritaria-Imperia]

Rewrote the premise to be a rise in naval accident, which leads to calls for a change in leadership in the admiralty. Thanks to Authoritaria-Imperia for the ideas.I'll wait for another opinion before I continue back with the options.

DESCRIPTION:
The navy has seen a rise in naval accidents, and most recently two of its best ships have collided with each other. The recent spike has led to calls for a change in leadership in the Admiralty, with officials volunteering to take over.

Yeah, this is better. Although it might be helpful to have a little bit of background as to why the crash occurred. (Training exercise, right? Or something else…?)

And mentioning that the officers have their own views on how to run the Navy would provide more exposition as to the format of the issue.

Of course, these aren't big problems, just my opinion.

[Socialist Communist States]

*Snip*

Thanks, again for the feedback. I've added those suggestions in.

After looking it over, I think the description should be good enough. Decided to add the rewritten options to it.

New draft with options added now.

[Socialist Communist States]

I decided to change the second option after some review. I wasn''t happy with the wording of it. It didn't really properly explain how to make the navy safer, so I added in a new bit about lack of funding.

A new draft. I'd appreciate some feedback on these options.

[Authoritaria-Imperia]

I decided to change the second option after some review. I wasn''t happy with the wording of it. It didn't really properly explain how to make the navy safer, so I added in a new bit about lack of funding.

A new draft. I'd appreciate some feedback on these options.

Yeah, this is much more solid now. Nice!

A couple things…

The second option seems to be taking on two things at once. Since the job of the admiral (being on the ship vs. working at a desk) isn't relevant to the spike in naval accidents, I suggest you remove that part and just leave it at the funding thing. (The "safety" connection you've used to link the admiral's role into things isn't explored enough for the option to be cohesive.)

I do think some of these options are a bit long as well — the second one especially, but removing the admiral-role-change part may help with that. Still, you could probably cut these down a little.

If we hadn't cut the navy's budget, we'd of had safer ships.

This should read "we'd have had safer ships". The "have" is often pronounced like an "of", but that's a speaking choice. (If you think about how it would read without the contraction — "we would have had safer ships".)

Some of the jokes seem a bit stretched, like the Major-General saying, "Isn't this the same ship that rammed one of our own during patrol?" I get that it's a joke, but it sounds like that patrol was really recent — and the ship has been repaired already? Or has it crashed into the other ship while still having a big dent/hole in it from the first crash? Nitpicking, I know, but it sounded kinda bizarre to me. I think there are some subtler jokes you could replace this (and some others) with. But that's more personal-preference…

Oh, and option 3 could be a tad more up-front — it sounds like its legalising corporal punishment in nations that don't already have it, and I imagine a player receiving the issue would like to know if that's meant metaphorically or literally.

Hmmmm, I hope I'm not sounding too negative here. Your issue is good as-is, and my points are not glaring, massive problems.

Hope I was helpful here. Keep up the good drafting!

[Socialist Communist States]

I've come back from a temporary hiatus to work on this again. I'm basically reiterating what I've said at the top, but I've some more changes (mainly for option 2) and shortened it a bit, but also changed some of the outcomes and added corporal punishment as a policy for option 3. Still, I want to thank A-I for the tremendous feedback they've given. Its helped me with my editing ideas.

[Socialist Communist States]

Edited a few more things. This is probably going to be my last call before I officially submit it. If there are no responses or feedback in 24 hours, then I'll assume it's good enough.