[DRAFT] Rodents of Unusual Sociability

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Cracked.com today taught me that Switzerland has a law forbidding people from owning single guinea pigs, which is simultaneously entirely reasonable and a crazy legal outlier compared to most nations. In other words, good for an issue!


DRAFT TWO:

TITLE:
Rodents of Unusual Sociability

VALIDITY:
any

DESCRIPTION:
Your brother's pet guinea pig has been looking a little down recently, and a pet psychiatrist has revealed that this is a consequence of loneliness.


OPTION 1
"Guinea pigs are social animals, you know, and they don't like to be alone," murmurs the psychiatrist, snuggling close to you and purring gently. "It should be illegal for pet owners to own just a single guinea pig. In fact, there's a whole bunch of rules we should make to enhance the psychological wellbeing of domestic pets. I've a list back at my place, if you want to pop over this evening, look it over, maybe share a fondue..."

OUTCOME:
goldfish bowls are three metres in diameter


OPTION 2
"It's unfair to pile cost burdens on those of us who can't afford a second pet," complains your brother, adjusting his guinea pig's sterling silver tiara and frilly silk ballet skirt. "An owner can give all the affection a pet needs. Though of course, it'd be nice if the state could pick up the bill for pet psychiatry. You'd like that, wouldn't you Snooflette?"

OUTCOME:
dogs are encouraged to confront the psychodynamic roots of their desire to be "good boys"


OPTION 3
"Pet psychiatrists, state nannying, ugh! This is big government gone mad!" spits your Minister of Constructive Dismissal, whose own department doubled in size last year. "Look, you've got a TV spot on @@ANIMAL@@ News tonight to talk about budgets or something or other, why don't you use a minute of that to tell people that guinea pigs need companions? Quick, to the point, and most importantly, at no cost to the taxpayer."

OUTCOME:
news headlines suggest that @@LEADER@@ has a sideline in guinea pig pimping


OPTION 4
"If a guinea pig is too miserable, its owner can just dispose of it, and get a happier-looking one," suggests passer-by Lola Bale, tossing a pet cat into a nearby wheeled bin. "Darwinism will take care of the rest, and within a few generations you'll have a selected popuilation of guinea pigs that doesn't mind being alone."

OUTCOME:
pet owners want to know why their animals keep smiling at them

DRAFT ONE:

TITLE:
Rodents of Unusual Sociability

VALIDITY:
any

DESCRIPTION:
Your brother's pet guinea pig has been looking a little down recently, and a pet psychiatrist has revealed that this is a consequence of loneliness.


OPTION 1
"Guinea pigs are social animals, you know, and they don't like to be alone," murmurs the psychiatrist, snuggling close to you and purring gently. "It should be illegal for pet owners to own just a single guinea pig. In fact, there's a whole bunch of rules we should make to enhance the psychological wellbeing of domestic pets. I've a list back at my place, if you want to pop over this evening, look it over, maybe share a fondue..."

OUTCOME:
goldfish bowls are three metres in diameter


OPTION 2
"It's unfair to pile cost burdens on those of us who can't afford a second pet," complains your brother, adjusting his guinea pig's sterling silver tiara and frilly silk ballet skirt. "An owner can give all the affection a pet needs. Though of course, it'd be nice if the state could pick up the bill for pet psychiatry. You'd like that, wouldn't you Snooflette?"

OUTCOME:
dogs are encouraged to confront the psychodynamic roots of their desire to be "good boys"


OPTION 3
"If a guinea pig is too miserable, its owner can just dispose of it, and get a happier-looking one," suggests passer-by Lola Bale, tossing a pet cat into a nearby wheeled bin. "Darwinism will take care of the rest, and within a few generations you'll have a selected popuilation of guinea pigs that doesn't mind being alone."

OUTCOME:
pet owners want to know why their animals keep smiling at them

[Trotterdam]

"Guinea pigs are social animals, you know, and they don't like to be alone," murmurs the psychiatrist, snuggling close to you and purring gently. "It should be illegal for pet owners to own just a single guinea pig. In fact, there's a whole bunch of rules we should make to enhance the psychological wellbeing of domestic pets. I've a list back at my place, if you want to pop over this evening, look it over, maybe share a fondue..."

You know, the description of "purring" made me think of a cat, which is ironic in an issue about rodents

OUTCOME:
goldfish bowls are three metres in diameter

This isn't even a joke. Experts really do consider it cruel to keep goldfish in bowls.

simultaneously entirely reasonable and a crazy legal outlier compared to most nations

Maybe a little too reasonable - the first option made me think "yeah, that makes sense", while the other two options made me think "that's so out-there it's just ridiculous, even for nations that don't care much about animal welfare".

Incidentally I'd wonder about some of the consequences. What happens if you had two guinea pigs and one of them dies? Do you need to immediately go and buy a new one, or find someone else willing and able to take your survivor off your hands? Some veterinarians would recommend euthanizing the survivor, but that's obviously not uncontroversial.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

This isn't even a joke. Experts really do consider it cruel to keep goldfish in bowls.

Absolutely. That's why it works as an effect line. It's simultaneously absurd and reasonable. I figure with an issue like this, we probably don't need a SECOND issue about goldfish bowls, which is why I tried to sneak in this as a second talking point within this issue.

Mind you, even if bowls probably are cruel, three metres is probably bigger than most welfare experts would demand. The recommendation is 20 gallons for 1 goldfish, which is more or less 60x30x40cm.

Maybe a little too reasonable - the first option made me think "yeah, that makes sense", while the other two options made me think "that's so out-there it's just ridiculous, even for nations that don't care much about animal welfare".

True, but that might not be everyone's reaction. I mean, there's got to be a reason why Switzerland is the only country in the world that has a law of this sort, right? I'm guessing that for many people, this level of government nannying isn't acceptable, while to you or me, it sounds eminently reasonable.

Incidentally I'd wonder about some of the consequences. What happens if you had two guinea pigs and one of them dies? Do you need to immediately go and buy a new one, or find someone else willing and able to take your survivor off your hands? Some veterinarians would recommend euthanizing the survivor, but that's obviously not uncontroversial.

I sense a follow up issue!

The real life answer, by the way, is guinea pig matchmaking agencies! You cannot make this shit up.

https://abcnews.go.com/International/re ... d=14573692

[Trotterdam]

True, but that might not be everyone's reaction. I mean, there's got to be a reason why Switzerland is the only country in the world that has a law of this sort, right? I'm guessing that for many people, this level of government nannying isn't acceptable, while to you or me, it sounds eminently reasonable.

Well, I think the reasonable anti-animal-rights position would be more along the lines of "whatever, even a pet that isn't happy is still cute and fluffy", not... somehow expecting psychiatric visits to solve the problem or disposing of still-living animals in dumpsters.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

True, but that might not be everyone's reaction. I mean, there's got to be a reason why Switzerland is the only country in the world that has a law of this sort, right? I'm guessing that for many people, this level of government nannying isn't acceptable, while to you or me, it sounds eminently reasonable.

Well, I think the reasonable anti-animal-rights position would be more along the lines of "whatever, even a pet that isn't happy is still cute and fluffy", not... somehow expecting psychiatric visits to solve the problem or disposing of still-living animals in dumpsters.

A fair point. I admit, I started with the punchline and worked backwards.

I'll see if I can find a reasonable anti-welfare position that has a funny outcome possible, and which isn't a dismiss button.

Edit: And done.

OPTION 3
"Pet psychiatrists, state nannying, ugh! This is big government gone mad!" spits your Minister of Constructive Dismissal, whose own department doubled in size last year. "Look, you've got a TV spot on @@ANIMAL@@ News tonight to talk about budgets or something or other, why don't you use a minute of that to tell people that guinea pigs need companions? Quick, to the point, and most importantly, at no cost to the taxpayer."

OUTCOME:
news headlines suggest that @@LEADER@@ has a sideline in guinea pig pimping

[Australian rePublic]

In some countries they eat guinea pigs. That's what they were initially bread for...

Option 1- how long is the maximum allowable transition time between the death of one guinea pig and the acquisition of a second one? What if you're on holidays or in hospital or something, and are thus unable to acquire of one?

[Bears Armed]

In some countries they eat guinea pigs. That's what they were initially bread for...

And i have a draft on that subject which I really should get back to, once the current NS World Cup cycle is over, if RL permits...

[Trotterdam]

In some countries they eat guinea pigs. That's what they were initially bread for...

I imagine pretty much any bread is for eating, really

Even animals meant for the slaughter can still be protected by laws requiring you to treat them well while they're still alive and kill them in a relatively painless manner.

Option 1- how long is the maximum allowable transition time between the death of one guinea pig and the acquisition of a second one? What if you're on holidays or in hospital or something, and are thus unable to acquire of one?

If you're going to be on an extended absence, you should leave your pets in the care of someone else. That also applies to solitary pets. Someone gotta feed them and clean their cages.

[Jutsa]

What, it's not called "This Guinea Piggy Went Wee Wee Wee"?

[Australian rePublic]

In some countries they eat guinea pigs. That's what they were initially bread for...

I imagine pretty much any bread is for eating, really

Even animals meant for the slaughter can still be protected by laws requiring you to treat them well while they're still alive and kill them in a relatively painless manner.

Option 1- how long is the maximum allowable transition time between the death of one guinea pig and the acquisition of a second one? What if you're on holidays or in hospital or something, and are thus unable to acquire of one?

If you're going to be on an extended absence, you should leave your pets in the care of someone else. That also applies to solitary pets. Someone gotta feed them and clean their cages.

Most hospital visits are unplanned

[SherpDaWerp]

So you go into hospital unexpectedly. When you're in there, call someone that you trust and say "Oh hi, I'm in hospital, can you take care of my dog/cat/guinea pig while I'm here?"

The only scenario where that doesn't work is if you're dead or comatose, in which case it becomes your next of kin's problem when the hospital notifies them that you're dead/comatose and they go "damn, guess I better take care of the dog/cat/guinea pig then". Either way, the animal gets taken care of.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

What, it's not called "This Guinea Piggy Went Wee Wee Wee"?

Because the guinea pigs' tendency to urinate isn't the issue topic?

I think a title like that might be more suitable to an issue about porcine urination, for example the research around pig urine being used as a cleansing agent for diesel fuel, or the conversion of animal waste into bioplastics.

The current title, incidentally, is a Princess Bride reference: https://princessbride.fandom.com/wiki/R.O.U.S.

[Jutsa]

for example the research around pig urine being used as a cleansing agent for diesel fuel, or the conversion of animal waste into bioplastics.

Oh heck yes

though idk how on earth you'd go about constructing an issue like that, BUT I approve of the idea.

Seriously though, another really good draft (as usual). Gotta admit I thought about writing an issue about small critters, namely guinea pigs,
having lived with them for nearing two years now, but the one draft I made was pretty much animal waste.