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[DARFT] Hail To Their King!

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Xanneria
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Posts: 1140
Founded: Sep 08, 2018
Capitalist Paradise

[DARFT] Hail To Their King!

Postby Xanneria » Tue Dec 10, 2019 8:35 am

This idea came from a real life person, one Anton Bakov

(I don't think this will overlap with #467)
Validity: Must give out some foreign aid (Essentially the country can't be isolationist)

Description
A wealthy businessman by the name of @@MALENAME@@ has long wanted to re-establish the Monarchy in his home country of Bakovia. The Problem is, even though he found the rightful heir to the Bakovian Monarchy, that country has been an Oligarchical Democracy for years. After Bakovia rejected his offer for to establish an independent kingdom on a mall plot of land within their borders, and a deal for him to purchase an Atoll from Macronesia also fell through, he has come to you for help with his idea.

OPTION 1: @@Leader@@, I hope you have read my proposal, and have mulled over it. As you have seen, I want to build a group of artificial islands near your national, and in exchange for you recognizing my monarchist nation, we will use @@Denonym@@ construction companies exclusively!

EFFECT: @@Denonym@@ construction companies have become popular contractors for the whims of rich foreigners.

OPTION 2: "Spy! He's a Spy!" claims High Ranking Military Officer @@Randomname@@, "We should expel him and never let him back! Although I do like his idea of Artificial islands. We should develop a few of those for Military and scientific purposes."

EFFECT: The @@Denonym@@ military has been purchasing suspicious amounts of sand

OPTION 3: "You know," says @@Randomname@@ a Bakovian diplomat "we were hoping by rejecting his offer that he gave us, he would shut up after that. but it seems he hasn't and thus if you turn a blind eye, we can shut him up for good. we can even turn those proposed artificial islands into a joint Bakovian/@@Denonym@@ military base."

EFFECT: The popular @@Region@@ phrase "If you believe that, then I have a bridge in @@Nationame@@ to sell you" has a whole new meaning.
Xanneria: My main nation
Teams
NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM: Maroons - Record 80-23-59 (W-D-L) (This may not be 100% accurate)
FIRST CONTEST: Copa Esportiva 23
FIRST GAME: Vangazaland 3-1 Xanneria
FIRST WIN: 5-3 vs Qingland
LARGEST MOV: 5-0 vs Pineapple Porcupines/ 7-2 vs Starcom Racing/5-0 vs HAIKU
CHAMPIONSHIPS:Baptism of Fire 69 (Nice!) winner / Group Winner CE24
Non Association Football Stats
NSCF TEAMS: Xannerian Polytechnic
NSSCRA: Cars #10,12,16

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 23652
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Dec 11, 2019 2:40 am

A wealthy businessman by the name of @@MALENAME@@ has long wanted to re-establish the Monarchy in his home country of Bakovia. The Problem is, even though he found the rightful heir to the Bakovian Monarchy, that country has been an Oligarchical Democracy for years. After Bakovia rejected his offer for to establish an independent kingdom on a mall plot of land within their borders, and a deal for him to purchase an Atoll from Macronesia also fell through, he has come to you for help with his idea.


Frankly, my reaction to this opening is "Uh, what?"

Can you try to refocus the narrative so that it presents a clear dilemma, rather than just presenting a series of no-context random events that you are being asked for help on for no particular reason.

What is the actual question you're trying to ask of players here? What is the core dilemma?
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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Australian rePublic
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Left-Leaning College State

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Dec 11, 2019 5:27 am

Why should @@NAME@@ care?
Hard-Core Centrist. Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.
All in-character posts are fictional and have no actual connection to any real governments
You don't appreciate the good police officers until you've lived amongst the dregs of society and/or had them as customers
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Xanneria
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Posts: 1140
Founded: Sep 08, 2018
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Xanneria » Wed Dec 11, 2019 11:59 am

So possibly rewrite it to put more emphasis on the "economic benifits"?
Xanneria: My main nation
Teams
NATIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM: Maroons - Record 80-23-59 (W-D-L) (This may not be 100% accurate)
FIRST CONTEST: Copa Esportiva 23
FIRST GAME: Vangazaland 3-1 Xanneria
FIRST WIN: 5-3 vs Qingland
LARGEST MOV: 5-0 vs Pineapple Porcupines/ 7-2 vs Starcom Racing/5-0 vs HAIKU
CHAMPIONSHIPS:Baptism of Fire 69 (Nice!) winner / Group Winner CE24
Non Association Football Stats
NSCF TEAMS: Xannerian Polytechnic
NSSCRA: Cars #10,12,16

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 23652
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Dec 13, 2019 1:58 am

Rewrite it, and see. Can't guarantee a rewrite will pass muster, but this version definitely doesn't.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people


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