NationStates

Draft 1

Draft 2

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[TITLE] What Are You Hiding In Your Genes?

[VALIDITY] Invalid for nations that have banned internet

[DESCRIPTION] With the commercial DNA tests from My23AncestralHeritages becoming increasingly popular across the globe, many of @@NAME@@'s citizens have sent their precious saliva to complete strangers in a lab to find out their genetic ancestry. Yet when one day the President of Blackacre revealed in a series of indignant tweets that your Minister of Justice is related to one of your nation's most dangerous criminals - in yet another attempt to paint a black picture of your nation - severe doubts were raised over the integrity of the company providing these DNA tests.

[OPTION 1] "@@Leader@@, I assure you, I had no idea this criminal was my grandmother's brother's second wife's sister's son's grandchild!" the Minister of Justice sweats. "I mean sure, he seemed familiar when I granted him that request for a bigger cell, and the cellphone, and the plasma TV... but that's besides the point. The point here is that the privacy of millions of our citizens is in danger! Greedy companies like this one will sell sensitive information - like someone's DNA profile - to anyone who pays the right price, like those no-good slime-balls from Blackacre. For the good of our people - and my family's remaining secrets - you need to ban commercial DNA tests and demand that all existing material and data be destroyed!"

[EFFECT 1] couples caught kissing on the street are detained for 'unlawful exchange of sensitive genetic material'

[OPTION 2] "Now, now, @@LEADER@@, don't do anything too hasty," tuts @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, CEO of My23AncestralHeritages, as @@HE_1@@ strides into your office unannounced. "Apologies for the intrusion, one of your staffers was looking to make a quick profit and sold me your schedule," @@HE_1@@ chuckles. "But anyway, my company provides legitimate goods and services to legitimate customers, be they @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ or two men in black suits and dark sunglasses explicitly claiming not to be from Blackacre. Information is a commodity too, so why not sell it? Relax some of those draconian privacy laws of yours and give @@NAME@@'s economy a big boost by opening up the market for information brokers! After all, your citizens surely have nothing to hide..."

[EFFECT 2] citizens buy their more bothersome neighbors' DNA profiles to figure out what potentially fatal allergies they might have

[OPTION 3] "No, no, no, NO!" screeches Minister of Intelligence @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_2@@ '008' @@RANDOMLASTNAME_2@@, as @@HE_2@@ emerges from behind a curtain in your office, startling everyone. "@@LEADER@@, I've had enough of this! Everyone is learning everything about everyone and that's my job, for Violet's sake! Not only do you need to ban companies like My23AncestralHeritages, but you also need to drastically limit what information can be released to the public! Or do you want your enemies to know what's in your jeans-er, I mean, GENES?"

[EFFECT 3] citizens find their names on their ID's and passports redacted for matters of national security

[OPTION 4] @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_3@@ Palpatine leans over to you as the Minister of Intelligence is having @@HIS_2@@ fit. "You know, there is an opportunity here," @@HE_3@@ says in a low tone. "The amount of genetic data that company has is staggering. Think of what we could do if they partnered up with our brilliant scientists. Let me tell you, a clone army is exactly what we need! We'll take the best genetic samples, build an advanced cloning facility somewhere hidden and in complete secrecy create the Grand Army of @@NAME@@! We can even implant chips into the soldiers' brains containing a number of preset secret orders that only you can give," @@HE_3@@ suddenly smiles insidiously. "And me."

[EFFECT 4] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ get wary at any mention of 'order 66'

This seems a little counter-intuative. Wouldn't the minister of justice support such measures?

Australian rePublic wrote:This seems a little counter-intuative. Wouldn't the minister of justice support such measures?

Why would they support commercial DNA testing? Sure, DNA under state control is fine if it's protected and secured, but in the hands of commercial enterprises it's not. A minister of justice would definitely see the difference between storing DNA material as a state and as a corporation, the latter being more likely to sell it to a third party.

The Minister of Justice isn't asking to ban dna testing. The issue he has is with commercial dna tests. If it won't make the option line too long, I could add that he thinks it's fine under state control, but I'd say the premise makes it clear the debate is about commercial DNA testing.

Daarwyrth wrote:

Australian rePublic wrote:This seems a little counter-intuative. Wouldn't the minister of justice support such measures?

Why would they support commercial DNA testing? Sure, DNA under state control is fine if it's protected and secured, but in the hands of commercial enterprises it's not. A minister of justice would definitely see the difference between storing DNA material as a state and as a corporation, the latter being more likely to sell it to a third party.

The Minister of Justice isn't asking to ban dna testing. The issue he has is with commercial dna tests. If it won't make the option line too long, I could add that he thinks it's fine under state control, but I'd say the premise makes it clear the debate is about commercial DNA testing.

Apparently, these commercial DNA tests have helped solve crimes, so...

Australian rePublic wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:
Why would they support commercial DNA testing? Sure, DNA under state control is fine if it's protected and secured, but in the hands of commercial enterprises it's not. A minister of justice would definitely see the difference between storing DNA material as a state and as a corporation, the latter being more likely to sell it to a third party.

The Minister of Justice isn't asking to ban dna testing. The issue he has is with commercial dna tests. If it won't make the option line too long, I could add that he thinks it's fine under state control, but I'd say the premise makes it clear the debate is about commercial DNA testing.

Apparently, these commercial DNA tests have helped solve crimes, so...

That is absolutely true, but there are also major concerns about these commercial DNA tests. Those concerns also coming from the Justice department (especially in European countries) as there is a huge risk of invasion of privacy by third parties.

Daarwyrth wrote:[VALIDITY] All nations

[DESCRIPTION] With the commercial DNA tests from My23AncestralHeritages becoming increasingly popular in @@NAME@@, many of your citizens have sent their precious saliva to complete strangers in a lab to find out their genetical ancestry. Yet when one day your nation's trashiest tabloids revealed out of nowhere that your Minister of Justice is related to one of the country's most dangerous criminals, severe doubts were raised about the integrity of the company providing these DNA tests.

My nation won't have 'trashy tabloids' if there's state press...

Daarwyrth wrote:For the good of my family's remaining secrets - and our people of course - you need to ban commercial DNA tests and demand that all existing material and data be destroyed!"

I would phrase the last sentence the other way around:

For the good of our people - and my family's remaining secrets - you need to ban commercial DNA tests

Daarwyrth wrote:"No, no, no, NO!" screeches Minister of Intelligence @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_2@@ DoubleOseven as @@HE_2@@ emerges from behind a curtain in your office, startling everyone.

I would name the Minister of Intelligence @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ '008' @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, as a way to streamline the reference. DoubleOseven is a hell of a family name for a government minister to have.

Daarwyrth wrote:[EFFECT 4] Stars at War Episode III is banned, out of fear the line 'Execute Order 66' might have unintentional effects

I'm a sucker for prequel memes, so I love this effect line. Although the joke could be sharpened a little bit. How does

@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ get wary at any mention of 'order 66'

sound?

SherpDaWerp wrote:My nation won't have 'trashy tabloids' if there's state press..

Good catch, missed that one! Do you think I should add that into the validity or change the text? I could make it that foreign trashy tabloids reported on it, maybe in one of the NPC rival nations?

SherpDaWerp wrote:I would phrase the last sentence the other way around:

For the good of our people - and my family's remaining secrets - you need to ban commercial DNA tests

While I understand this point of criticism, the intent was to make it sound as if the people were just an afterthought but I do see why you point this out. I'll change it around as basically both have the same effect and your suggestion does read better/easier.

SherpDaWerp wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:"No, no, no, NO!" screeches Minister of Intelligence @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_2@@ DoubleOseven as @@HE_2@@ emerges from behind a curtain in your office, startling everyone.

I would name the Minister of Intelligence @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ '008' @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, as a way to streamline the reference. DoubleOseven is a hell of a family name for a government minister to have.

Good call. I was debating what would be a better option when I initially wrote it, but now that I review it your suggestion is a better one indeed! It's more streamlined

SherpDaWerp wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:[EFFECT 4] Stars at War Episode III is banned, out of fear the line 'Execute Order 66' might have unintentional effects

I'm a sucker for prequel memes, so I love this effect line. Although the joke could be sharpened a little bit. How does

@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ get wary at any mention of 'order 66'

sound?

It sounds much sharper and better, I like it a lot! I'll change it in the second draft (glad to see a fellow Star Wars fan!)

With the feedback I have received, I have put a new draft in the OP! I would love to hear your thoughts and comments on it

Daarwyrth wrote:

SherpDaWerp wrote:My nation won't have 'trashy tabloids' if there's state press..

Good catch, missed that one! Do you think I should add that into the validity or change the text? I could make it that foreign trashy tabloids reported on it, maybe in one of the NPC rival nations?

If you have state press, then foreign newspapers are probably also banned. Someone might acquire a copy of one illegally, of course.

Trotterdam wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:Good catch, missed that one! Do you think I should add that into the validity or change the text? I could make it that foreign trashy tabloids reported on it, maybe in one of the NPC rival nations?

If you have state press, then foreign newspapers are probably also banned. Someone might acquire a copy of one illegally, of course.

No, no, it's not foreign papers in @@NAME@@, but foreign papers report on it in their own country but the news of it reaches @@NAME@@ or at least its government.

Maybe I can change it to "national headlines in Blackacre" so that it becomes clearer.

Trotterdam wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:Good catch, missed that one! Do you think I should add that into the validity or change the text? I could make it that foreign trashy tabloids reported on it, maybe in one of the NPC rival nations?

If you have state press, then foreign newspapers are probably also banned. Someone might acquire a copy of one illegally, of course.

Alright, I hope the text in the description now would fit both countries that have state press and those that don't

Daarwyrth wrote:No, no, it's not foreign papers in @@NAME@@, but foreign papers report on it in their own country but the news of it reaches @@NAME@@ or at least its government.

I don't think the news that never reaches the ears of @@NAME@@'s public would matter much. Most state-press nations would probably just sweep the matter under the rug and pretend in their official press releases that nothing is wrong.

Trotterdam wrote:

Daarwyrth wrote:No, no, it's not foreign papers in @@NAME@@, but foreign papers report on it in their own country but the news of it reaches @@NAME@@ or at least its government.

I don't think the news that never reaches the ears of @@NAME@@'s public would matter much. Most state-press nations would probably just sweep the matter under the rug and pretend in their official press releases that nothing is wrong.

I understand that, but even then it would be discussed between the members of leadership? Because it would still be Blackacre trying to paint @@NAME@@ black AND the issue would remain that their DNA data are being sold. So the core issue remains intact and very much a national concern, even if the population is aware of it or not.

What do you propose I change in the draft then?

Alright, in light of the feedback about state-press, I have changed the description that it was the President of Blackacre tweeting about it - which we also saw her do in another issue. Therefore, I have added the validity that internet must not be banned, but if I am correct this should circumvent the issue of state-press it's all up in the OP!

Any thoughts on the new draft?

I like it.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I like it.

Is there something I can improve upon?

[EFFECT 3] citizens find their names on their ID’s and passports redacted for matters of national security

There's a curved apostrophe here, needs to be replaced by a straight one.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:

[EFFECT 3] citizens find their names on their ID’s and passports redacted for matters of national security

There's a curved apostrophe here, needs to be replaced by a straight one.

Oh no, the horror! fixed it!

I'm fairly content with how the draft currently looks like, but I was hoping to gather some feedback before I turn this draft into a last call for commentary. Is there anything that I can improve? Are there any inconsistencies or problems with the premise/dialogue options? Please, share them so that I can improve what needs improvement!

Alright, I have reread the issue draft several times and am happy with how it is in its current form. Any last feedback or comments before I submit it?

/bump

It's a good issue, from where I'm stood.

And with that, the issue draft is submitted! Thank you everyone for your time, attention and input

Good luck!