[DRAFT] Not-so Free Real Estate

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
Posts: 19438
Founded: Aug 28, 2015

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Sat Sep 07, 2019 4:00 pm

Okay, let's reexamine this.

[DESCRIPTION] Outrage has followed the announcement that your Foreign Affairs Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@, has met with the president of Bormiar, a small nation in your sphere of influence, and discussed the purchase of a small region within it. Members of the press and officials from both nations have lined up outside your door to have their voices heard.

Okay, so some problems with this.

First of all, you're telling us there's outrage, but given no clue as to WHY there is outrage. That's vital missing information.

Second, you've introduced the nation of Bormiar with not enough information to make it a distinct entity in any way. Each time an NPC nation is introduced (even if it has been introduced in other issues) there should be a contextualising qualifier that tells us something about that nation. True, you've added "a small nation in your sphere of influence" but that's not the most informative statement. What does that mean, precisely? I'm not asking what the term means, but rather what does it mean in this context? Why do they lie within our sphere of influence? What's the reason that they are significant to us, and us to them?

Third, why is the purchase of that small region being discussed? What's the context? Why do they want to sell part of their country, why do we want to buy it?

Fourth, the last sentence "Members of the press and officials from both nations have lined up outside your door to have their voices heard" is a redundancy. It adds no useful information or humour to the opening, so should be cut.

[OPTION 1] “This is an affront to the civil rights of both nations!” cries lobbyist @@RANDOMNAME@@, a member of Grassroots People, after bribing her way to the front of the line. “But… maybe there is a way to solve this democratically… Why not hold referendums in both nations to decide this? Carried out by official Grassroots People pollers, of course.”

Why is it an affront to the civil rights of both nations?
Who are Grassroots People?
What if we're not using referenda, or not democratic?

[EFFECT 1] Referendums are held whenever the government wishes to hire a new employee.

Really, why? How does this effect follow from this decision?

[OPTION 2] “How can this even be considered?” Bellows @@RANDOMNAME@@, an outspoken nationalist from Bormiar. He begins taping Bormian flags on the walls of your office while continuing to speak. “Bormiar had been pushed around for far too long! We won’t take it anymore! If you don’t stop using us for your personal gain, then you’ll be swept away in the revolution, @@LEADER@@!”

Why the outrage at considering this?
"Bellows" should not be capitalised.
In what way has Bormiar been pushed around?
Won't take what any more?
How have we used them for our personal gain?
Why would THEIR revolution affect me?

[EFFECT 2] @@NATION@@ is known for being easily controlled with threats of violence.

Really, why?

[OPTION 3] “Now, now let's all calm down.” Soothes @@RANDOMNAME1@@, offering you a wad of cash under the table. “Me and the President of Bormiar, @@RANDOMNAME@@, have had a wonderful idea. This region would provide the perfect land for @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@. Think of the profit! And we’d be lauded by the international community for helping out with Bormiar’s debt. All it would take would be a few small payments to the President and some other high ranking officials.”

That argument doesn't make sense if my MAJORINDUSTRY isn't one that is traditionally associated with needing land.
If we're helping out with their national debt, how can it be a few small payments?

[EFFECT 3] Leaders of nations bordering @@NATION@@ are noted to often retire in luxury after trading away their land to @@NATION@@

That effect line doesn't describe the player's nation. Effect lines should always describe the player's nation.
[OPTION 4] “What sort of discussion is this!” General @@RANDOMENAME@@ barrels into your office,

Good question, mate.

armed with an assault rifle and two bandoliers of ammo.

Yeah, that's stretching credibility, to have someone barrel into your office with an assault rifle.

“If we want the land so bad, why not just take it? The army of @@NATION@@ is the greatest in the world!” @@HE@@ roars, firing a shot into your ceiling.

[EFFECT 4] The international community is in constant fear of the army of @@NATION@@, which freely roams, conquering what it sees fit.

Effect lines should be phrased without commas in them, and should be as succinct as possible. See the How To Write An Issue guide for more on this.


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