[SUBMITTED] Hippie Hygiene Horror

[Trotterdam]

Most of the comments so far seem to be about the core premise of the issue, and not minor things, so I might have a look at how it's presented in the description to see if it could be put better for the 4th version.

I would consider Australian Republic's suggestion of making the person a hippie who dislikes clothes and bathing for ideological reasons, rather than being unable to afford them. Even if such people are rare, it doesn't stretch disbelief for there to be one of them causing a ruckus, and it removes all "but then how could/couldn't he afford ___?" quibbles.

[Australian rePublic]

Yes, and make it be summer. Not only is the prospect of nudity far more likely, but also, the smell is worse. Or maybe specify that this happened in the tropics. Not only would the wet season make things worse, but there are numerous tropical diseases which don't exist here in the temperate regions

[SherpDaWerp]

I would consider Australian Republic's suggestion of making the person a hippie who dislikes clothes and bathing for ideological reasons, rather than being unable to afford them. Even if such people are rare, it doesn't stretch disbelief for there to be one of them causing a ruckus, and it removes all "but then how could/couldn't he afford ___?" quibbles.

Yes, and make it be summer. Not only is the prospect of nudity far more likely, but also, the smell is worse. Or maybe specify that this happened in the tropics. Not only would the wet season make things worse, but there are numerous tropical diseases which don't exist here in the temperate regions

Alrighty then. I'll look at how that could be put in, with a shiny new draft expected later today. For summer, I assume that would be a narrative element, but would it require a 'good weather' validity or similar? Or am I overthinking it...

In other news, Canyamel reckons it's a good draft, and he's getting Co-Author credits for coming up with the idea (cause I feel kinda bad for stealing it) and a little bit of feedback behind the scenes.

[Australian rePublic]

I would consider Australian Republic's suggestion of making the person a hippie who dislikes clothes and bathing for ideological reasons, rather than being unable to afford them. Even if such people are rare, it doesn't stretch disbelief for there to be one of them causing a ruckus, and it removes all "but then how could/couldn't he afford ___?" quibbles.

Yes, and make it be summer. Not only is the prospect of nudity far more likely, but also, the smell is worse. Or maybe specify that this happened in the tropics. Not only would the wet season make things worse, but there are numerous tropical diseases which don't exist here in the temperate regions

Alrighty then. I'll look at how that could be put in, with a shiny new draft expected later today. For summer, I assume that would be a narrative element, but would it require a 'good weather' validity or similar? Or am I overthinking it...

In other news, Canyamel reckons it's a good draft, and he's getting Co-Author credits for coming up with the idea (cause I feel kinda bad for stealing it) and a little bit of feedback behind the scenes.

Even the remotest, coldest part of Antarctica has a summer. It might get down to -30°C, but it's still summer. Everyone has summer, the differences is that not everyone has winter

[Australian rePublic]

I would consider Australian Republic's suggestion of making the person a hippie who dislikes clothes and bathing for ideological reasons, rather than being unable to afford them. Even if such people are rare, it doesn't stretch disbelief for there to be one of them causing a ruckus, and it removes all "but then how could/couldn't he afford ___?" quibbles.

Yes, and make it be summer. Not only is the prospect of nudity far more likely, but also, the smell is worse. Or maybe specify that this happened in the tropics. Not only would the wet season make things worse, but there are numerous tropical diseases which don't exist here in the temperate regions

Alrighty then. I'll look at how that could be put in, with a shiny new draft expected later today. For summer, I assume that would be a narrative element, but would it require a 'good weather' validity or similar? Or am I overthinking it...

In other news, Canyamel reckons it's a good draft, and he's getting Co-Author credits for coming up with the idea (cause I feel kinda bad for stealing it) and a little bit of feedback behind the scenes.

Add his/her name to the validity

[SherpDaWerp]

Add his/her name to the validity

Already done...

[Australian rePublic]

People might remember that they've got free public transport. The unwashed hippie can afford the transport, and therefore you don't need to restrict the validity

[SherpDaWerp]

Draft 4 is now up. The nudist in question has become a hippie, but I've managed to keep it in a non-specified season.

[Canyamel]

The issue sounds great to me and it's very well written, you've done a great job. The only problem that I see is that you need to change the title of the issue, because it's no longer a homeless. By the way, I like the idea of the hippie being the main character, it makes the issue different from other issues of the game in my opinion.

[SherpDaWerp]

That's a good point. Title changed from 'Homeless Hygiene Horror' to 'Hippie Hygiene Horror'.

[SherpDaWerp]

Slight edits and a bump. Any more feedback?

[SherpDaWerp]

If I may, could one of the editors give this the once (or twice) over for some feedback? The whole 'vibe' of the issue isn't one I'm really satisfied with at the moment, but I can't think of much more to do...

Although if there's nothing more, I guess this is a last call?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

This is a great draft, already at a pass level, but could be polished up to make for easy publication. Get these changes in, and I have a gap in my editing schedule that I can push it straight into.

Description
@@RANDOMNAME_1@@, an outspoken @@DEMONYM@@ 'hippie', made headlines and racked up some cleaning bills last week by traveling on @@NAME@@'s public transport system completely nude, mostly due to the fact he hadn't showered in months. The Minister for Transport, disgruntled bus cleaners, and @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ @@HIM@@self, have convened an unlikely meeting in your office to discuss the problem.

Last sentence is a redundancy.

"Hippie" in quote marks is weird, as it suggests that the neutral narrator has a bias of some sort. I'd suggest making it a self-proclaimed hippie.

There's a "he" in the middle that needs to be macro'd.

Option 1
"You're like, totally cramping my vibe. There ain't nothing wrong with nudity in @@NAME@@!" proclaims @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, making your aides wince as @@HE@@ waltzes into the room still buck-naked.

Not clear to me why they're wincing. Maybe instead try and make the players wince with a description of his excess skin flopping around disconcertingly.

"Just because I was re-attuning myself to nature and not showing for a year,

showering, not showing

suddenly I'm breaking the rules? Not cool.

First part seems to be restating already known information, could be cut.

@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ hippies are causing a stench on @@NAME@@'s public transport

Avoid using "@@NAME@@'s" as a macro because of pluralised nation names. You could just drop the macro altogether, as the default assumption is that effect lines are describing a domestic situation.

Option 2
"That doesn't stop @@HIM@@ from doing this again!" retorts your Minister for Transport. "We should mandate standards of hygiene and cleanliness that @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ must uphold in order to ride our public transport system. Think of how many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ were forced to sit next to him, or, heaven forbid, sat in the same spot after he'd left!"

I'd up the grossness by saying "heaven forbid, had to occupy the sweat-drenched seat @@HE@@ left behind him"

the @@DEMONYM@@ Public Transport Service hires sniffer dogs to detect if passengers have showered recently

Nice. Could be more succinct, like: "Public Transport sniffer dogs check commuters for body odour"

Option 3
"Aargh, my nose!" screams @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, who was forced to sit next to @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ on the hour-long bus ride. "I've showered 8 times and spent heaps of @@CURRENCY@@ on nasal spray but I can still smell it! Please, @@LEADER@@, ban nudity on our public transport system. Think of the children!"

I'd add on the end. "Not think of the nude children, I mean, think of the children who have to see the nudity." But it'd probably get censored by sounder minds than mine, haha, so maybe don't.

@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are finding their morning commute far less risqué than it used to be

That's not a good effect line. It's stating an outcome for sure, but there's nothing funny about that outcome. See if you can rethink this one.

[SherpDaWerp]

Thanks for the feedback CWA, I've taken it on board (with the exception of the child nudity one). Option 3's effect line was supposed to be a play on 'risky', because of car accidents etc, but that evidently fell quite flat. New effect line is:

naturist @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ buy outfits just for their bus ride to work

That looks to be all, so submittted!

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Alright, got it in my folder. I'll TG you with the first edit soon.