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[SUBMITTED] Come Give @@LEADER@@ A Kiss!

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.

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Daarwyrth
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Postby Daarwyrth » Sat Aug 10, 2019 1:18 pm

Alright, having taken into account all the feedback, Draft 5 is up in the OP :) I have changed the intro make it less biased towards traditionalism and changed the second option a bit as well, to make it appear more serious (hopefully). I'd love to know what everyone thinks about the changes!

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Daarwyrth
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Postby Daarwyrth » Sun Aug 11, 2019 4:59 am

I've decided to cancel this an all other of my drafts because I just get too tired by continuously have my enthusiasm shut down. I understand that nothing is perfect from the get-go, but as someone said before in the "Are We Our Ancestors?" thread, I do feel there is too much nitpicking when it comes to these issues. I wish everyone else good luck with their issues, but all my motivation and enthusiasm is gone for this, sorry.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Daarwyrth
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Postby Daarwyrth » Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:29 pm

After careful consideration, I have decided to pick up working on this issue again and have written up draft 6.

I would very much appreciate it if people could take a look at it and chime in as to what they think about it! :) draft 6 can be found in the OP.

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Sanctaria
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Postby Sanctaria » Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:00 pm

Great to see you back, this draft is promising. Some thoughts:

The description can be greatly shortened - there's too much story going on there. Image of Leader in a same-sex embrace with the GHP has caused outrage among conservatives in a nation that hitherto barely tolerated LGBT. Stretch that into two/three sentences max and that's your description.

I know where you're going with Make @@NAME@@ Gay Again, but there's no suggestion that @@NAME@@ ever was gay to begin with. It's a bit of a disconnect.

Other than that, you have given the characters some, well, character, which is good.

The problem for me is that the (re)introduction of the religious character/religion kind of lessens the issue, as we've had religion v. gays in basically every issue on LGBT rights. Candle was on the right track when he suggested reproducing posters of leader in a rainbow hue - and actually, the idea of posters being doctored to show leader in a same-sex embrace with other personalities is good too, I just don't think it should be a religious personality.
Last edited by Sanctaria on Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Divine Federation of Sanctaria

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Dr. Katherine Saunders ORD DSJ, Sanctarian Ambassador to the World Assembly
Author of:
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Frisbeeteria wrote:Do people not realize that moderators can tell when someone is wanking?

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The Free Joy State
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Postby The Free Joy State » Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:14 pm

I'm sincerely happy to see you return to one of your drafts. You've had some hard criticism, but the ability to dust yourself off and come back is the kind of attitude we like to see in GI!

This draft is really promising.

Now, let's have a look at this draft:

Daarwyrth wrote:[VALIDITY] Nation's with low LGBT rights

You'll also need "religion tolerated" and "Violetism allowed" (because there are option to ban both).

That's if you choose to stick with the Violetism. I'd be wary about using Violetism. There are other religions you can use that don't requite a specific validity, or you could change the option along the lines CWA suggested so that it doesn't need a religious validity at all.

We have very few issues that are social conservatism (not religious) vs. LGBT rights.

[DESCRIPTION] Recently, a group of civil rights activists calling themselves "Make @@NAME@@ Gay Again!" have been trying to draw attention to what they see as the oppression of the nation's LGBT community, by recreating photos of you, @@LEADER@@, to make it appear as if you're kissing members of the same sex. This only prompted the occasional loud gasp and odd sneaky look from the people, until a reproduced photo of you kissing the Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet appeared, prompting irate Violetists to build stakes in @@CAPITAL@@'s City Centre. With the speedy intervention of the authorities, only a few hairs were sizzled, but now the main players of this ordeal have gathered in your office to chime in on how you should proceed.

Still somewhat too long, and most of the last line is extraneous.

If you do keep your current idea (and I do suggest you consider making it irreligious), how about something like this:
Civil rights activist group, Make @@NAME@@ Gay Again, have been drawing attention to -- what they call -- your 'oppression of the LGBT community' by altering your image so you appear to be kissing various members of the same-sex, including the Grand High Poobah of Violet. In response, irate Violetists built stakes to burn the offenders in @@CAPITAL@@'s centre. Luckily, thanks to speedy intervention by the authorities, only a few hairs were sizzled.


[OPTION 1] "HERESY! BLASPHEMY! SACRILEGE!" screams the Grand High Poobah, tearing apart their costly priestly robes. "My pure, unblemished lips are now corrupted in the eyes of the Prophet, who will never kiss them tenderly in the afterlife anymore," they lament. "The defilers should be burned for the devilish imagery that they have created!" a glint of righteous fury appears in the Grand High Poobah's eyes. "Let us burn all the heretics and unbelievers in @@NAME@@!"

Violetists don't have a prophet, they have a Goddess called Violet. You can read more about previous portrayals here (should you go with your religious idea -- or want to use an NPC religion in a future draft)

[EFFECT 1] the smell of burned flesh is becoming increasingly pervasive throughout the air

This option is a little restating the option: the option says people will be burned the effect shows people being burned.

Effect lines are usually a reference, a joke, or a twist on the option. I mean, here's a fairly lame one I made up, but it gives you an idea:
[effect] the most dreaded question in the nation is "how do you like your stake?"
Last edited by The Free Joy State on Tue Aug 13, 2019 9:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Daarwyrth
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:24 am

Thanks for the warm welcome back! :D

I was initially going for a merger between what Candle proposed and the initial religious element, but I definitely see the point made for social conservatism vs gay rights. It would make the issue more unique, as you said. I'll work on removing the religious element again and shortening the text where I can!

The Free Joy State wrote:Effect lines are usually a reference, a joke, or a twist on the option. I mean, here's a fairly lame one I made up, but it gives you an idea:
[effect] the most dreaded question in the nation is "how do you like your stake?"


That one is golden xD
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 14, 2019 3:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Daarwyrth
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 1:27 pm

Draft 7 is up in the OP! The religious element has been removed and the introduction shortened :) I'd love to hear your thoughts on it!

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Australian rePublic
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:05 pm

I've studied heaps and heaps about religion, and can thus assure you that there's absolutely nothing to do with herasy in this draft. I know that option 1 doesn't contain anymore, but please don't add it back in. Further, I don't see why @@LEADER@@ has to kiss members of the same sex. If @@LEADER@@ is heterosexual or celebate, then he/she can, and should, sue for misappropriation of his/her image (or at least, make that an option). This is especially the case since such photos would make it very difficult for any fellow politician, voter in @@LEADER@@'s seat, the media or the public seriously, with regards to any position on homosexuality. I, for example, live in a very socially conservative seat (and financially left-wing seat which is why they all vote Labor) and, if I were politician, such photoshopped images would completely destriy my political carrer. And it goes against my image as the heterosexual image that I'd paint myself as a heterosexual virgin that I am. I don't know if I'd sue (for either financial and/or free expression reasons). But even if I did live in a socially left-wing seat, it would still violate my image as the heterosexual virgin that I am, and I definately would have the shits about it, and I would chuck up a big stink and everyone would know about it, and whoever posted it would regret it. Honestly, if you ask me @@LEADER@@ is nowhere near angry enough about this. No where near angry enough. But then again, @@LEADER@@ might live in a socially left-wing seat, and indipendantly to that, he/she generally might not care about it. @@LEADER@# moght even be flattered.

And all of this is assuming that @@LEADER@@ isn't him/herself gay or bi. If @@LEADER@@ is openly gay or bi, the posters of him/her kissing of the same sex would do jack shit to further the cause.

If you want to go down the route of making and distributing poster of @@LEADER@@ kissing couples of the same sex you need to:
A. Have a good balance of options that suggest that @@LEADER@@ is pissed about these posters, balanced with options of @@LEADER@@ tollerating, or even liking the posters
B. You'd have to assume that @@LEADER@@ is heterosexual and/celebate

This also brings up the unrelated, unassociated issue of how far free expression should be taken. All in all, I don't think it's a good idea to have posters of @@LEADER@@ kissing members of the same sex
Last edited by Australian rePublic on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions. This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
As a centrist, I have been called both an extreme leftist and an extreme right-winger.
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian.
Why stylised as "rePublic"
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Daarwyrth
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:22 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:I've studied heaps and heaps about religion, and can thus assure you that there's absolutely nothing to do with herasy in this draft. I know that option 1 doesn't contain anymore, but please don't add it back in. Further, I don't see why @@LEADER@@ has to kiss members of the same sex. If @@LEADER@@ is heterosexual or celebate, then he/she can, and should, sue for misappropriation of his/her image (or at least, make that an option). This is especially the case since such photos would make it very difficult for any fellow politician, voter in @@LEADER@@'s seat, the media or the public seriously, with regards to any position on homosexuality. I, for example, live in a very socially conservative seat (and financially left-wing seat which is why they all vote Labor) and, if I were politician, such photoshopped images would completely destriy my political carrer. And it goes against my image as the heterosexual image that I'd paint myself as a heterosexual virgin that I am. I don't know if I'd sue (for either financial and/or free expression reasons). But even if I did live in a socially left-wing seat, it would still violate my image as the heterosexual virgin that I am, and I definately would have the shits about it, and I would chuck up a big stink and everyone would know about it, and whoever posted it would regret it. Honestly, if you ask me @@LEADER@@ is nowhere near angry enough about this. No where near angry enough. But then again, @@LEADER@@ might live in a socially left-wing seat, and indipendantly to that, he/she generally might not care about it. @@LEADER@# moght even be flattered.

And all of this is assuming that @@LEADER@@ isn't him/herself gay or bi. If @@LEADER@@ is openly gay or bi, the posters of him/her kissing of the same sex would do jack shit to further the cause.

If you want to go down the route of making and distributing poster of @@LEADER@@ kissing couples of the same sex you need to:
A. Have a good balance of options that suggest that @@LEADER@@ is pissed about these posters, balanced with options of @@LEADER@@ tollerating, or even liking the posters
B. You'd have to assume that @@LEADER@@ is heterosexual and/celebate

This also brings up the unrelated, unassociated issue of how far free expression should be taken. All in all, I don't think it's a good idea to have posters of @@LEADER@@ kissing members of the same sex


While I appreciate your feedback, I agree with previous commentary from Sanctaria that keeping it to @@LEADER@@ having be depicted as if they are kissing members of the same-sex is a better, more noteworthy element. After all, the rainbow element I had previously also kept getting criticism that it was unclear as to what it meant, I think this is a much clearer message ;)

Australian rePublic wrote:And all of this is assuming that @@LEADER@@ isn't him/herself gay or bi. If @@LEADER@@ is openly gay or bi, the posters of him/her kissing of the same sex would do jack shit to further the cause.

If you want to go down the route of making and distributing poster of @@LEADER@@ kissing couples of the same sex you need to:
A. Have a good balance of options that suggest that @@LEADER@@ is pissed about these posters, balanced with options of @@LEADER@@ tollerating, or even liking the posters
B. You'd have to assume that @@LEADER@@ is heterosexual and/celebate


This would infringe heavily on player autonomy when it comes to issues, so I strongly disagree with the feedback you have provided in this particular part of your message. I have even used "them" and "they" a few times to not settle on a gender that might determine @@LEADER@@'s gender as well, because again, player autonomy. Besides, if I said how @@LEADER@@ felt about it, I'd get the comment: "don't tell me what I feel", because that also infringes on player autonomy. One player's @@LEADER@@ might be fuming at the mouth, the other might shrug. It's why I left it out of the issue, so as to protect player autonomy. Also, I am not sure where you got it from that we should assume that @@LEADER@@ is celebate? This clearly reflects your perspective and feelings on the matter, but not those of another and thus, it's not objective but subjective. Assuming such a thing would heavily infringe upon player autonomy - as stated before - which is why I disagree with it that it should become part of the issue.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:23 pm

Maybe not @@LEADER@@ then. Maybe one of his/her monisters. E.g. the heterosexual minister of transport
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions. This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
As a centrist, I have been called both an extreme leftist and an extreme right-winger.
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian.
Why stylised as "rePublic"
16 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution
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Sanctaria
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Postby Sanctaria » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:23 pm

I also believe that restricting this to nations that have low LGBT rights means it would be highly unlikely their @@LEADER@@ would be gay. There may be potential small overlaps of autonomy, but nothing too serious. It's sort of akin to us assuming your city has a park bench, for example. It's fine.
Divine Federation of Sanctaria

Ideological Bulwark #258
Member of UNOG

Dr. Katherine Saunders ORD DSJ, Sanctarian Ambassador to the World Assembly
Author of:
GA#109 GA#133 GA#176 GA#201 GA#222 GA#297
Frisbeeteria wrote:Do people not realize that moderators can tell when someone is wanking?

Luna Amore wrote:Sanc is always watching. Ever vigilant.

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Australian rePublic
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 pm

Sanctaria wrote:I also believe that restricting this to nations that have low LGBT rights means it would be highly unlikely their @@LEADER@@ would be gay. There may be potential small overlaps of autonomy, but nothing too serious. It's sort of akin to us assuming your city has a park bench, for example. It's fine.

Yes, but it makes no assumptions about whether or not @@LEADER@@ is pissed about the situation. I would change it to the minister of transport or something to avoid that can of worms
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions. This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
As a centrist, I have been called both an extreme leftist and an extreme right-winger.
From Sydney, NSW. From Greek ancestry. Orthodox Christian.
Why stylised as "rePublic"
16 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution
Issue Ideas You Can Steal

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Sanctaria
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New York Times Democracy

Postby Sanctaria » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:28 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Sanctaria wrote:I also believe that restricting this to nations that have low LGBT rights means it would be highly unlikely their @@LEADER@@ would be gay. There may be potential small overlaps of autonomy, but nothing too serious. It's sort of akin to us assuming your city has a park bench, for example. It's fine.

Yes, but it makes no assumptions about whether or not @@LEADER@@ is pissed about the situation. I would change it to the minister of transport or something to avoid that can of worms

Hang on.

First you were annoyed that it made too many assumptions about leader kissing someone of the same-sex, and now, though nothing has changed, you're annoyed that not enough assumption is being made?

Aussie, your suggestions have moved beyond being helpful or constructive. You don't have the right to dictate to another how his issue should or shouldn't be - he has told you he is happy with the premise he has.
Divine Federation of Sanctaria

Ideological Bulwark #258
Member of UNOG

Dr. Katherine Saunders ORD DSJ, Sanctarian Ambassador to the World Assembly
Author of:
GA#109 GA#133 GA#176 GA#201 GA#222 GA#297
Frisbeeteria wrote:Do people not realize that moderators can tell when someone is wanking?

Luna Amore wrote:Sanc is always watching. Ever vigilant.

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Blueflarst
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Postby Blueflarst » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:30 pm

Daarwyrth wrote:This issue was inspired by a similar situation which had occurred in Poland not too long ago: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-48257706. I thought it would be an interesting trope to follow for an issue and thus have written up this draft! As this is my first Issue Draft ever, please feel free to leave your feedback on it! I'd love to improve where improvement is necessary :)



Draft 1
[TITLE] Keep Momma Clean!

[DESCRIPTION] With an uneventful weekend having passed by, the national news was thrilled by monday's brawl in @@CAPITAL@@'s city centre. A well-known gay-rights activist, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1, had recently recreated one of @@NAME@@'s famous iconography's - a depiction of the Unburnt Dragon-Mother - by inserting the colors of the rainbow into the fiery halo around her head. This has sparked great outrage among the followers of that religion in @@NAME@@, which came to a head when a group of believers spotted @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@ putting up a copy of her recreation on a rather dirty-looking dumpster. While they had started building a stake to burn the heretic at - collectively screeching "BURN THEM ALL!" - outspoken atheists had gathered at the spot to free the gay-rights activist and subsequently, a brawl broke out. While authorities have handled the situation adequately, the main instigators of the ordeal now stand in your office, as the public debate once again veers towards fire and blood.


[OPTION 1]"THIS IS BLASPHEMY OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE!" screeches @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, a Targuru of the Unburnt Dragon-Mother, as he violently presses an original copy of the famous iconography in your face. Oddly enough, the silver-haired woman in the depiction strongly reminds you of a certain character in that one show about an iron chair, dragons and ice-zombies. "NO ONE should be allowed to desecrate religious iconography like that, NO ONE, lest they be consumed by flames as our sacred texts command us!" with a mad-glint in his eyes he looks at you. "Allow us to burn this one and all who dare to defile our sacred symbols. Burn them, I say. BURN THEM ALL!"

[EFFECT 1] the smell of burnt flesh has become much more prevalent throughout @@NAME@@.


[OPTION 2] "I did this because those crazies want to exclude LGBTQ+ members from society!" shouts a furious @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@, her rainbow-tattooed face looking intense as she storms towards your portrait, hanging behind your desk. "Besides, aren't we supposed to be a secularized country? Church and state separated? You can't have religious wackos like this Targ-whatever here dictate how we can and can't express ourselves, we're free people!" she exclaims while painting a rainbow around your likeness. "You need to extend our freedom of speech and expression so that we may desecrate any-uhm... I mean, express ourselves however we want!"

[EFFECT 2] even @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ find themselves painted in the colors of the rainbow.


[OPTION 3] Suddenly, a black raven flies through your window and lands on your desk. There is a neatly rolled-up piece of parchment attached to its leg. You break the seal and read the message from Reorge M.M. Gartin, the author of the book series which that one show about an iron chair, dragons and ice-zombies is based upon: "You see how popular my work is in @@NAME@@? Your nation should become the Easteros of my books! Think about it, you become a monarch, lords and ladies with fancy titles all around the country, while the peasantry throw rotten tomato-erhm, I mean, bow deeply before your grace... Wouldn't that be great? Oh, and you'll also make my books 'A Ballad About Snow and Flames' compulsory reading for everyone in @@NAME@@. Just don't tell them the last two books won't come out for the next twenty years, or they'll want our heads!"

[EFFECT 3] foreign dignitaries are greeted by @@LEADER@@ sitting on a throne made of swords.

Draft 2
[TITLE] Keep Momma Clean!

[DESCRIPTION] Recently, religious devotees called Drogonists have regularly hit national headlines for their increasingly vocal protestation of LGBT inclusion in society. In response, gay-rights activists have recreated one of the Drogonists’ famous iconographies of the Unburnt Dragon-Mother - the progenitor of their messiah - by inserting rainbow colors into the fiery halo around her head. This led to a series of clashes between the devotees and the activists, culminating in the near burning of several people at improvised stakes in @@CAPITAL@@’s city centre. With both groups seeking to unleash fire and blood on one another, the main instigators of the ordeal have ended up in your office.


[OPTION 1]“This is blasphemy of the highest degree!” screeches High Targuru @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, as he shoves a copy of the original iconography into your face. “Desecration of religious symbols should be punishable by death, a fiery death…” a mad glint appears in his eye. “It is as the holy scriptures demand of us.”

[EFFECT 1] “BURN THEM ALL!” has become an increasingly popular saying among the people.


[OPTION 2] “You’ve got to be kidding me!” exclaims activist @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@, her rainbow-colored hair still sizzling in places. “Have we forgotten about our freedom of speech, of expression? You need to abolish any archaic laws protecting religious mumbo-jumbo that infringe upon our right to artistic expression. Secularize now!”

[EFFECT 2] places of worship have become the new canvas for Picasso-wannabes.


[OPTION 3] @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@’s aide eyes her spiritual leader nervously as she scribbles down notes. “M-maybe we shouldn’t burn anyone… but surely we can fine them or send them to jail if their sacrilege really crosses the line!”

[EFFECT 3] children using the Dragon-Mother’s name in vain are sent to juvenile detention centres.


[OPTION 4] Suddenly, a black raven lands on your desk, carrying a scroll from Reorge M.M. Gartin, the author of the widely popular A Ballad of Snow and Flames. “You see how beloved my books are in @@NAME@@? Your nation should become the Easteros of my books! As monarch, you can decide what’s right or wrong. Just make sure that my work becomes compulsory reading, but don’t tell anyone the last two books won’t come out in the next two decades or they’ll want both our heads!”

[EFFECT 4] foreign dignitaries are received by @@LEADER@@ sitting on a throne made of swords.

Draft 3
[TITLE] Keep Her Clean!

[DESCRIPTION] Recently, Violetists have again hit national headlines for their ever increasing lack of regard for civil rights. In response, activists have recreated one of the notorious icons of their tentacled goddess, by making her smile instead of ominously glower. This led to a series of clashes between the devotees and the activists, culminating in the near burning of several people at improvised stakes in @@CAPITAL@@’s city centre. With both groups seemingly ready to draw one another’s blood, the main instigators of the ordeal have ended up in your office.


[OPTION 1]"THIS IS BLASPHEMY OF THE HIGHEST DEGREE!" screeches High Cigarette of the Order of Violet @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, a vein violently pulsing on @@HIS_1@@ forehead. "Such desecration of religious symbols should be punishable by death, a fiery death…" a mad glint appears in @@HIS_1@@ eyes. "It is as the holy scriptures demand of us."

[EFFECT 1] the smell of burnt flesh has become increasingly pervasive throughout the air in @@NAME@@.


[OPTION 2] "You’ve got to be kidding me!" exclaims activist @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, @@HIS_2@@ purple-coloured hair still sizzling in places. "Have we forgotten about our freedom of speech, of expression? You need to abolish all archaic laws protecting religious mumbo-jumbo that infringe upon our right to artistic expression. Secularize now!"

[EFFECT 2] places of worship have become the new canvases for Picasso-wannabes.


[OPTION 3] @@RANDOMNAME_1@@’s suspiciously young assistant eyes @@HIS_3@@ spiritual leader fearfully, as @@HE_3@@ slowly takes a step to the side. "M-maybe we shouldn’t burn anyone… but surely we can fine them or send them to jail if their blasphemy really crosses the line!"

[EFFECT 3] children using the Goddess’ name in vain are sent to juvenile detention centres.


[OPTION 4] Suddenly, your devoted secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan turns to you. "Your Perfection, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ has a point. People should be able to create or recreate whatever artwork they like,” @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ pauses, regarding you admiringly. “So long as it features our nation’s greatest and most sublime muse… YOU!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s sinister grin.

Draft 4
[TITLE] Keep @@LEADER@@ Clean!

[VALIDITY] Nations with low LGBT rights.

[DESCRIPTION] After having made a public appearance at a picnic organized by "Traditionally Traditional Parents for Traditionally Traditional Families", you were confronted by the news that your likeness had been used by irate activists. LGBT campaigners were trying to draw attention to what they see as oppression of their civil rights in @@NAME@@, by distributing a reproduced state portrait of you, in which your skin tone is replaced by the colours of the rainbow. With the recreated image having spread like wildfire across the nation, the question of inclusion of non-heteronormative individuals in society has taken a hold of the public debate.


[OPTION 1] "Now, now, @@LEADER@@, you know we can’t allow their ideologies to take root here in @@NAME@@," tuts your Minister of Status Quo @@RANDOMNAME_1@@. "Our glorious nation has always been traditional, is currently traditional and will always remain traditional. Did I say that we are a traditional country? That’s right, we are! Traditional, that is," @@HE_1@@ specifies. "Have the authorities round these people up and throw them into jail for their nontraditionalism."

[EFFECT 1] the traditions in @@NAME@@ remain traditionally traditional


[OPTION 2] One of the LGBT campaigners storms into your office, armed with dangerously colourful sharpies and starts drawing rainbows everywhere. "You can't keep us excluded from society forever!" @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ screams into your ear as @@HE_2@@ vigorously colours your forehead. "We demand to be acknowledged, we demand to have some violetdamned rights in this nation!" @@HE_2@@ exclaims while being dragged out by security. "MAKE @@NATION@@ GAY!"

[EFFECT 2] the government is looking at ways to permanently have a rainbow hover over @@CAPITAL@@


[OPTION 3] @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, your Minister of Compromise, blinks in bewilderment as @@HE_3@@ readjusts @@HIS_3@@ now half-gray, half-multicolored jacket. "There's no need to choose one or the other, @@LEADER@@. I agree with the activists that we have been somewhat... repressive... towards them, but we can't just throw our traditions and values overboard. Allow those LGBTABCDE-whatever to exist and have some form of civil partnership, but they have to keep it all out of sight. That way, no one will know or hear a thing. Problem solved!"

[EFFECT 3] the nation conceals, doesn't feel and doesn't let them know


[OPTION 4] Your devoted secretary and self-proclaimed number one fans looks at your recreated state portrait dotingly. "You see, @@LEADER@@? Your image inspires people!" @@HE_4@@ regards you admiringly. "You're our nation’s greatest and most sublime muse! You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict you!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

Draft 5
[TITLE] Keep @@LEADER@@ Clean!

[VALIDITY] Nations with low LGBT rights.

[DESCRIPTION] This morning, you were confronted by the news that your likeness had been used by irate activists. LGBT campaigners are trying to draw attention to what they see as oppression of their civil rights in @@NAME@@, by distributing a reproduced state portrait of you, @@LEADER@@, in which your skin tone is replaced by the colours of the rainbow - a symbol of that community. With the recreated image spreading like wildfire across the nation, the question of inclusion of non-heteronormative individuals in society has taken a hold of the public debate.


[OPTION 1] "Now, now, @@LEADER@@, you know we can’t allow their ideologies to take root here in @@NAME@@," tuts your Minister of Status Quo @@RANDOMNAME_1@@. "Our glorious nation has always been traditional, is currently traditional and will always remain traditional. Did I say that we are a traditional country? That’s right, we are! Traditional, that is," @@HE_1@@ specifies. "Have the authorities round these people up and throw them into jail for their nontraditionalism."

[EFFECT 1] the traditions in @@NAME@@ remain traditionally traditional


[OPTION 2] One of the LGBT campaigners storms into your office, armed with dangerously colourful sharpies and starts drawing rainbows everywhere in final an act of desperation. "You can't keep us excluded from society forever!" @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ screams into your ear as @@HE_2@@ vigorously colours your forehead. "We demand to be acknowledged, we demand to have some violetdamned rights in this nation!" @@HE_2@@ exclaims while being dragged out by security. "BRING SOME HUMANITY TO @@NATION@@!"

[EFFECT 2] the government is looking at ways to permanently have a rainbow hover over @@CAPITAL@@


[OPTION 3] @@RANDOMNAME_3@@, your Minister of Compromise, blinks in bewilderment as @@HE_3@@ readjusts @@HIS_3@@ now half-gray, half-multicolored jacket. "There's no need to choose one or the other, @@LEADER@@. I agree with the activists that we have been somewhat... repressive... towards them, but we can't just throw our traditions and values overboard. Allow those LGBTABCDE-whatever to exist and have some form of civil partnership, but they have to keep it all out of sight. That way, no one will know or hear a thing. Problem solved!"

[EFFECT 3] the nation conceals, doesn't feel and doesn't let them know


[OPTION 4] Your devoted secretary and self-proclaimed number one fans looks at your recreated state portrait dotingly. "You see, @@LEADER@@? Your image inspires people!" @@HE_4@@ regards you admiringly. "You're our nation’s greatest and most sublime muse! You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict you!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

Draft 6
[TITLE] To Taunt A Giant

[VALIDITY] Nation's with low LGBT rights

[DESCRIPTION] Recently, a group of civil rights activists calling themselves "Make @@NAME@@ Gay Again!" have been trying to draw attention to what they see as the oppression of the nation's LGBT community, by recreating photos of you, @@LEADER@@, to make it appear as if you're kissing members of the same sex. This only prompted the occasional loud gasp and odd sneaky look from the people, until a reproduced photo of you kissing the Grand High Poobah of the Order of Violet appeared, prompting irate Violetists to build stakes in @@CAPITAL@@'s City Centre. With the speedy intervention of the authorities, only a few hairs were sizzled, but now the main players of this ordeal have gathered in your office to chime in on how you should proceed.

[OPTION 1] "HERESY! BLASPHEMY! SACRILEGE!" screams the Grand High Poobah, tearing apart their costly priestly robes. "My pure, unblemished lips are now corrupted in the eyes of the Prophet, who will never kiss them tenderly in the afterlife anymore," they lament. "The defilers should be burned for the devilish imagery that they have created!" a glint of righteous fury appears in the Grand High Poobah's eyes. "Let us burn all the heretics and unbelievers in @@NAME@@!"

[EFFECT 1] the smell of burned flesh is becoming increasingly pervasive throughout the air

[OPTION 2] "This isn't about your bloody religion," responds your radically secularist and highly conservative Chief of Staff @@RANDOMNAME@@. "It's about the fact that these criminals have no respect for the nation's figures of authority. @@LEADER@@, they have defiled your image and made you the laughing stock of our country. Such acts must become punishable by law, especially if they are used to promote nontraditional values and ideologies."

[EFFECT 2] children creating rainbows in drawings of their family are sentenced to juvenile detention centers

[OPTION 3] "Let me be straight with you here," begins gay rights activist @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, @@HIS_1@@ purple hair still sizzling in places. "We're just like you, only less boring and more colorful. Stop oppressing us under the guise of 'protecting traditional values' and allow us to become fully functional members of society while remaining true to ourselves. Make @@NAME@@ gay again!"

[EFFECT 3] the government is looking at ways to permanently have a rainbow hover over @@CAPITAL@@

[OPTION 4] "You know, this got me thinking," your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, as they lovingly stroke the recreated photo of you and them. "Your visage inspires people, gives them hope, @@LEADER@@. It's clear that you are our nation's greatest and most sublime muse. You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict your likeness!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

Draft 7
[TITLE] To Taunt A Giant

[VALIDITY] Nation's with low LGBT rights

[DESCRIPTION] A civil rights activist group, the Gay Liberation Front, have been trying to draw attention to - what they call - 'oppression of the LGBT community' in @@NAME@@, by recreating photo's of you, @@LEADER@@, in which you now appear to be kissing various members of the same-sex. With the imagery spreading like wildfire across the nation, the question of inclusion of non-heteronormative individuals in society has taken a hold of the public debate.

[OPTION 1] "These lowlifes have absolutely no regard for this nation's proud figures of authority!" bellows Minister of Culture and National Heritage @@RANDOMNAME@@, angrily tearing apart the recreated photo of you and them. "Not only are they trying to subvert the traditions that have guided @@NAME@@ throughout its history, they have also made us the laughing stock of our nation! Only by clamping down on the expression of nontraditional values and ideologies, can we hope to remove this blight from our great society and remain unchanged."

[EFFECT 1] fathers have stopped hugging their sons out ot fear for being branded 'nontraditional'

[OPTION 2] "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it go... No, I can't hold it back anymore!" your Chief of Staff Elsa @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ suddenly breaks down, starting to sob violently. "@@LEADER@@, I have been hiding it for years, but I am one of them, I am gay. The activists are right, now for once you know what it's like to be mocked, to be laughed at, just for being different. Please, make it stop, please allow us to be who we are in @@NAME@@!"

[EFFECT 2] divorce rates are on the rise as citizens come out of the closet en masse

[OPTION 3] "There, there..." soothes your Minister of Compromise, gently stroking your Chief of Staff on the back. "I agree, @@LEADER@@, we have been acting... repressive... towards this particular group. Yet we can't just throw our traditions overboard for a minority. Why don't we let these LGBT'ers be themselves, but they have to remain underground? That way they can live how they want, but no one needs to hear or see a thing!"

[EFFECT 3] 'rats in the sewers' has taken on an entirely different meaning

[OPTION 4] "You know, all of this got me thinking," your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, lovingly stroking the recreated photo of you and them. "Your visage inspires people, gives them hope. It's clear that you are our nation's greatest and most sublime muse. You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict your likeness!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

It seems like a good issue i would pick the third option.
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Daarwyrth
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:33 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Sanctaria wrote:I also believe that restricting this to nations that have low LGBT rights means it would be highly unlikely their @@LEADER@@ would be gay. There may be potential small overlaps of autonomy, but nothing too serious. It's sort of akin to us assuming your city has a park bench, for example. It's fine.

Yes, but it makes no assumptions about whether or not @@LEADER@@ is pissed about the situation. I would change it to the minister of transport or something to avoid that can of worms


I am sorry if I make the wrong assumption, but I have a feeling you have a strong opinion on the matter and are trying to influence the drafting so that it would better suit you personally. I don't say this in any bad way or with any malicious intent, but it's why I think I shouldn't follow your feedback as it may be too much coloured by personal bias in this particular case. Again, apologies if I make a wrong assumption here, but it does come across as such.

As I said, previous commentary on the premise was positive, so I will stick to that :) I am grateful for your time and attention, however!
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Australian rePublic
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:34 pm

Sanctaria wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Yes, but it makes no assumptions about whether or not @@LEADER@@ is pissed about the situation. I would change it to the minister of transport or something to avoid that can of worms

Hang on.

First you were annoyed that it made too many assumptions about leader kissing someone of the same-sex, and now, though nothing has changed, you're annoyed that not enough assumption is being made?

Aussie, your suggestions have moved beyond being helpful or constructive. You don't have the right to dictate to another how his issue should or shouldn't be - he has told you he is happy with the premise he has.

No. I'm annoyed about how many assumptions are made about @@LEADER@@, specifically. We can make whatever assumptions we want about other ministers, bevcause it doesn't violate player autonomy
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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:35 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Sanctaria wrote:Hang on.

First you were annoyed that it made too many assumptions about leader kissing someone of the same-sex, and now, though nothing has changed, you're annoyed that not enough assumption is being made?

Aussie, your suggestions have moved beyond being helpful or constructive. You don't have the right to dictate to another how his issue should or shouldn't be - he has told you he is happy with the premise he has.

No. I'm annoyed about how many assumptions are made about @@LEADER@@, specifically. We can make whatever assumptions we want about other ministers, bevcause it doesn't violate player autonomy


But that's the thing, there is a total lack of assumptions about leader in the current premise so as to preserve player autonomy. I am rather confused myself, because first you said I made no assumptions and now you say I make too many assumptions, while nothing in draft 7 changed yet.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Australian rePublic
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:41 pm

Daarwyrth wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Yes, but it makes no assumptions about whether or not @@LEADER@@ is pissed about the situation. I would change it to the minister of transport or something to avoid that can of worms


I am sorry if I make the wrong assumption, but I have a feeling you have a strong opinion on the matter and are trying to influence the drafting so that it would better suit you personally. I don't say this in any bad way or with any malicious intent, but it's why I think I shouldn't follow your feedback as it may be too much coloured by personal bias. Again, apologies if I make a wrong assumption here, but it does come across as such.

As I said, previous commentary on the premise was positive, so I will stick to that :) I am grateful for your time and attention, however!

Personal bias is exactly my point. Every player playing as @@LEADER@@ would have some kind of personal bias, whether they completely agree with me or completely disagree with me. No which decision you make, you're gonna piss someone off. As @@LEADER@@ is meant to be the man or woman behind the keyboard, then there'll always be some kind of bias that pisses someone off, whether they agree me or disagree with me. Personal bias is the very reason why I'm so opposed to this issue being about @@LEADER@@. If, however, you make it the minister of transport or something, then it doesn't matter what the biases are of the person behind the key board, becaude he/she isn't the one who's affected by the posters. The imaginary minister of transport could have whatever biases the issue wants him to have, without vioating player autonomy. I have no issue with having a heterosexual minister kissing members of the same sex, I have an issue with that minister being @@LEADER@@. Remove the @@LEADER@@, make it any otner minister, specify that said is hetero and/or celebate, and you don't have a problem
Disclaimer: In-Character posts are NOT a reflection of the real world Australian government, any government departments, or any Australian states or territories. I have no authority over real world government decisions. This nation does not reflect my views, as I am trying to unlock banners
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Sanctaria
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New York Times Democracy

Postby Sanctaria » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:44 pm

There is no problem currently, Aussie. There's no infringement on player autonomy. They are *doctored* images of @@LEADER@@ kissing someone of the same sex. @@LEADER@@'s views are not mentioned *at all*. It's targeted at nations with low LGBT rights so the people speaking are reflective of the citizenry. There is no autonomy problems.

This right now is a problem you have with the issue, and I am telling you you are no longer providing helpful criticism and you are to stop immediately.
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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:46 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Daarwyrth wrote:
I am sorry if I make the wrong assumption, but I have a feeling you have a strong opinion on the matter and are trying to influence the drafting so that it would better suit you personally. I don't say this in any bad way or with any malicious intent, but it's why I think I shouldn't follow your feedback as it may be too much coloured by personal bias. Again, apologies if I make a wrong assumption here, but it does come across as such.

As I said, previous commentary on the premise was positive, so I will stick to that :) I am grateful for your time and attention, however!

Personal bias is exactly my point. Every player playing as @@LEADER@@ would have some kind of personal bias, whether they completely agree with me or completely disagree with me. No which decision you make, you're gonna piss someone off. As @@LEADER@@ is meant to be the man or woman behind the keyboard, then there'll always be some kind of bias that pisses someone off, whether they agree me or disagree with me. Personal bias is the very reason why I'm so opposed to this issue being about @@LEADER@@. If, however, you make it the minister of transport or something, then it doesn't matter what the biases are of the person behind the key board, becaude he/she isn't the one who's affected by the posters. The imaginary minister of transport could have whatever biases the issue wants him to have, without vioating player autonomy. I have no issue with having a heterosexual minister kissing members of the same sex, I have an issue with that minister being @@LEADER@@. Remove the @@LEADER@@, make it any otner minister, specify that said is hetero and/or celebate, and you don't have a problem


Again, while I thank you for your commentary and feedback, I disagree with you in this case and am strongly inclined not to change it from @@LEADER@@ to a Minister, as I believe such a change would have no merit and wouldn't better the issue. Please remember that these issues aren't about you personally, but about a fictional character you play. No one is trying to offend you personally :)

As I said before, by leaving out any reaction or commentary from @@LEADER@@ in the text, player autonomy is preserved as no assumptions about @@LEADER@@ are made. This way, the issue comes over as objective, I believe, because any personal bias from the writer is left out. As a gay man myself, I could have made the issue strongly lean towards pro-LGBT sentiments, but as these issues are meant to be devoid of the author's personal bias, I have chosen not to go down that route.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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The Free Joy State
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Iron Fist Consumerists

Postby The Free Joy State » Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:31 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Daarwyrth wrote:
I am sorry if I make the wrong assumption, but I have a feeling you have a strong opinion on the matter and are trying to influence the drafting so that it would better suit you personally. I don't say this in any bad way or with any malicious intent, but it's why I think I shouldn't follow your feedback as it may be too much coloured by personal bias. Again, apologies if I make a wrong assumption here, but it does come across as such.

As I said, previous commentary on the premise was positive, so I will stick to that :) I am grateful for your time and attention, however!

Personal bias is exactly my point. Every player playing as @@LEADER@@ would have some kind of personal bias, whether they completely agree with me or completely disagree with me. No which decision you make, you're gonna piss someone off. As @@LEADER@@ is meant to be the man or woman behind the keyboard, then there'll always be some kind of bias that pisses someone off, whether they agree me or disagree with me. Personal bias is the very reason why I'm so opposed to this issue being about @@LEADER@@. If, however, you make it the minister of transport or something, then it doesn't matter what the biases are of the person behind the key board, becaude he/she isn't the one who's affected by the posters. The imaginary minister of transport could have whatever biases the issue wants him to have, without vioating player autonomy. I have no issue with having a heterosexual minister kissing members of the same sex, I have an issue with that minister being @@LEADER@@. Remove the @@LEADER@@, make it any otner minister, specify that said is hetero and/or celebate, and you don't have a problem

As Sanctaria said, there already is no problem.

We already have issue where a beautiful, named bisexual fancies @@LEADER@@ and one of the options is for @@LEADER@@ to date them -- regardless of @@LEADER@@'s gender, sexual preference or marital status in the player's headcanon.


As for the latest draft, I can't help but feel that it needs more humour inserted (though it does work better without the religiousness)

Daarwyrth wrote:[DESCRIPTION] A civil rights activist group, the Gay Liberation Front, have been trying to draw attention to - what they call - 'oppression of the LGBT community' in @@NAME@@, by recreating photo's of you, @@LEADER@@, in which you now appear to be kissing various members of the same-sex. With the imagery spreading like wildfire across the nation, the question of inclusion of non-heteronormative individuals in society has taken a hold of the public debate.

I'm not sure you need this line. We don't use many "We need to hold a debate" lines anymore.

Although your not keeping the religiousness was a good move, maybe you could keep the burning -- to add urgency? Maybe replace the last line with:
Now, a group of outraged conservatives have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@ Centre to try to burn the offending images... and the offending artists.


[OPTION 1] "These lowlifes have absolutely no regard for this nation's proud figures of authority!" bellows Minister of Culture and National Heritage @@RANDOMNAME@@, angrily tearing apart the recreated photo of you and them. "Not only are they trying to subvert the traditions that have guided @@NAME@@ throughout its history, they have also made us the laughing stock of our nation! Only by clamping down on the expression of nontraditional values and ideologies, can we hope to remove this blight from our great society and remain unchanged."

If you did opt for burning, you could add "torch-holding" before Minister of Culture and National Heritage.

I can't help but feel that you need to be more distinct on "clamping down on" -- which is partly why I suggested burning return in the opening (because we do have some other issues that repress LGBT+ rights). I suggest,

Only by seizing and destroying all portrayals of non-traditional values and ideologies, and anything that could possibly be used to represent those ideologies, can we hope to remove that blight from our society."


[EFFECT 1] fathers have stopped hugging their sons out ot fear for being branded 'nontraditional'

Could be something like, "little girls cry as their pink crayons are seized by the Straight-Thought Police"

[OPTION 2] "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it go... No, I can't hold it back anymore!" your Chief of Staff Elsa @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ suddenly breaks down, starting to sob violently. "@@LEADER@@, I have been hiding it for years, but I am one of them, I am gay. The activists are right, now for once you know what it's like to be mocked, to be laughed at, just for being different. Please, make it stop, please allow us to be who we are in @@NAME@@!"

If you go with the burning suggestion of mine (which isn't compulsory), I'd make this a "slightly singed artist".

[OPTION 4] "You know, all of this got me thinking," your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, lovingly stroking the recreated photo of you and them. "Your visage inspires people, gives them hope. It's clear that you are our nation's greatest and most sublime muse. You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict your likeness!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

Worth saying that this doesn't do anything about the artwork presenting in the opening -- technically, it does represent @@LEADER@@ :p .

I like the action of them stroking the image of themselves with @@LEADER@@, though. Maybe reword it so that all faces on all artwork must be the leader...
Last edited by The Free Joy State on Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Thu Aug 15, 2019 4:40 am

The Free Joy State wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Personal bias is exactly my point. Every player playing as @@LEADER@@ would have some kind of personal bias, whether they completely agree with me or completely disagree with me. No which decision you make, you're gonna piss someone off. As @@LEADER@@ is meant to be the man or woman behind the keyboard, then there'll always be some kind of bias that pisses someone off, whether they agree me or disagree with me. Personal bias is the very reason why I'm so opposed to this issue being about @@LEADER@@. If, however, you make it the minister of transport or something, then it doesn't matter what the biases are of the person behind the key board, becaude he/she isn't the one who's affected by the posters. The imaginary minister of transport could have whatever biases the issue wants him to have, without vioating player autonomy. I have no issue with having a heterosexual minister kissing members of the same sex, I have an issue with that minister being @@LEADER@@. Remove the @@LEADER@@, make it any otner minister, specify that said is hetero and/or celebate, and you don't have a problem

As Sanctaria said, there already is no problem.

We already have issue where a beautiful, named bisexual fancies @@LEADER@@ and one of the options is for @@LEADER@@ to date them -- regardless of @@LEADER@@'s gender, sexual preference or marital status in the player's headcanon.


As for the latest draft, I can't help but feel that it needs more humour inserted (though it does work better without the religiousness)

Daarwyrth wrote:[DESCRIPTION] A civil rights activist group, the Gay Liberation Front, have been trying to draw attention to - what they call - 'oppression of the LGBT community' in @@NAME@@, by recreating photo's of you, @@LEADER@@, in which you now appear to be kissing various members of the same-sex. With the imagery spreading like wildfire across the nation, the question of inclusion of non-heteronormative individuals in society has taken a hold of the public debate.

I'm not sure you need this line. We don't use many "We need to hold a debate" lines anymore.

Although your not keeping the religiousness was a good move, maybe you could keep the burning -- to add urgency? Maybe replace the last line with:
Now, a group of outraged conservatives have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@ Centre to try to burn the offending images... and the offending artists.


[OPTION 1] "These lowlifes have absolutely no regard for this nation's proud figures of authority!" bellows Minister of Culture and National Heritage @@RANDOMNAME@@, angrily tearing apart the recreated photo of you and them. "Not only are they trying to subvert the traditions that have guided @@NAME@@ throughout its history, they have also made us the laughing stock of our nation! Only by clamping down on the expression of nontraditional values and ideologies, can we hope to remove this blight from our great society and remain unchanged."

If you did opt for burning, you could add "torch-holding" before Minister of Culture and National Heritage.

I can't help but feel that you need to be more distinct on "clamping down on" -- which is partly why I suggested burning return in the opening (because we do have some other issues that repress LGBT+ rights). I suggest,

Only by seizing and destroying all portrayals of non-traditional values and ideologies, and anything that could possibly be used to represent those ideologies, can we hope to remove that blight from our society."


[EFFECT 1] fathers have stopped hugging their sons out ot fear for being branded 'nontraditional'

Could be something like, "little girls cry as their pink crayons are seized by the Straight-Thought Police"

[OPTION 2] "Conceal, don't feel, don't let it go... No, I can't hold it back anymore!" your Chief of Staff Elsa @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ suddenly breaks down, starting to sob violently. "@@LEADER@@, I have been hiding it for years, but I am one of them, I am gay. The activists are right, now for once you know what it's like to be mocked, to be laughed at, just for being different. Please, make it stop, please allow us to be who we are in @@NAME@@!"

If you go with the burning suggestion of mine (which isn't compulsory), I'd make this a "slightly singed artist".

[OPTION 4] "You know, all of this got me thinking," your Press Secretary and self-proclaimed number one fan says, lovingly stroking the recreated photo of you and them. "Your visage inspires people, gives them hope. It's clear that you are our nation's greatest and most sublime muse. You need to make it so that all artwork in @@NAME@@ can only depict your likeness!"

[EFFECT 4] Mona Lola’s famous mysterious smile is being altered to resemble @@LEADER@@’s enigmatic grin

Worth saying that this doesn't do anything about the artwork presenting in the opening -- technically, it does represent @@LEADER@@ :p .

I like the action of them stroking the image of themselves with @@LEADER@@, though. Maybe reword it so that all faces on all artwork must be the leader...


With this feedback in mind, draft 8 is up in the OP and ready to receive commentary! :D

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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Aug 16, 2019 4:28 am

If some parts of draft 8 still are too long/contain to much text I bet I can shorten it. I personally don't mind reading longer texts, but I get that not everyone is like that and conciseness has its beauty as well :) I would love to know what people think about the latest draft!

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Daarwyrth
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Sat Aug 17, 2019 8:48 am

Small bump :D

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Candensia
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Father Knows Best State

Postby Candensia » Sat Aug 17, 2019 10:35 am

I see the reference in option two, and it really has good comedic potential. Can you sell it more?
The Free Joy State wrote:Time spent working on writing skills -- even if the draft doesn't work -- is never wasted.

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