[SUBMITTED] Service Dishonored

[Candlewhisper Archive]

There's grey areas, and there's boundaries to be pushed. I personally have a high tolerance for mature content, despite the fact that children will see the issues. I've published an issue about honour killing (632), for example. There's also issues about castrating rapists (75). On the flipside, we've always nixed any issues that mention paedophilia or child abuse, with the closest thing being a joke in the effect line of 648.1, and we've tried and failed to find a way to present an issue on FGM that passes all sensibilities.

So what you're describing here isn't no go, but its in that grey area. If this was a bad draft, then there'd be no problem with tossing it away.

As it is, we have to make a decision about appropriateness as a team. I'd suggest that as an author you'd be best off making that decision as easy as possible by keeping it toned down, and using allusions rather than explicit descriptions. The opening is pushing it, and option 1 goes too far, in my opinion. Dial it back a bit.

[Greater Cesnica]

There's grey areas, and there's boundaries to be pushed. I personally have a high tolerance for mature content, despite the fact that children will see the issues. I've published an issue about honour killing (632), for example. There's also issues about castrating rapists (75). On the flipside, we've always nixed any issues that mention paedophilia or child abuse, with the closest thing being a joke in the effect line of 648.1, and we've tried and failed to find a way to present an issue on FGM that passes all sensibilities.

So what you're describing here isn't no go, but its in that grey area. If this was a bad draft, then there'd be no problem with tossing it away.

As it is, we have to make a decision about appropriateness as a team. I'd suggest that as an author you'd be best off making that decision as easy as possible by keeping it toned down, and using allusions rather than explicit descriptions. The opening is pushing it, and option 1 goes too far, in my opinion. Dial it back a bit.

Alright. I'll get on it when I'm free.

[Greater Cesnica]

UPDATE: I removed any explicit details of the Corporal's abuse in Option One.

[Chan Island]

Looking good!

Remember to pluralise 'female soldiers' in the description but otherwise I for one am a fan.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

DESCRIPTION: After the revelation of systemic, high-reaching sexual abuse against female soldiers over the span of more than a decade and the failure of senior military officials in stopping it, the @@DENONYM@@ military has found itself in the midst of a public relations nightmare. As scrutiny mounts against the armed forces and their ability to keep female soldier safe, you have agreed to meet with one of the victims of the abuse.

Okay looking within tolerances for me. Can't speak for the team, but right now for me its okay.

Option 1: "I joined the army to serve my country, because I've always felt there was a duty for me to do so." says Corporal @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME(1)@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@, a victim of sexual abuse by one of her superiors. "I lived in perpetual fear and through a sense of overwhelming despair while I suffered through my ordeal. When the scandal broke and gained traction in the media, I felt... relief. Relief that it was over for me. But what about all the others who suffered? I want to see justice. I want women like me to feel safe serving their country. @@NAME@@ needs more protections for female soldiers and harsher penalties for rapists and those who enable them. Like life in prison."

The last sentence can't be used, as some nations ban prison.

Outcome: male soldiers offering handshakes to their female counterparts may be charged with sexual harassment

You've got a good sense for effect lines here, but maybe this is a bit too far ad absurdiam for the decision taken. After all, we're talking about punishing rape in the option, not cracking down on milder harassments.

Option 2: Colonel @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME(1)@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME(2)@@, newly-appointed commander of the base where this particular incident took place has accompanied Corporal @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@ to your office. "I tried to stop what was happening. I re-assigned dozens of officers and recommended courts martial for them all, but they would simply be be allocated to another base with a clear record. What I see here is a culture of intimidation, of utter disregard for the dignity of @@DENONYM@@ women. A lack of basic human empathy for others. Most of the perpetrators won't see real punishment with our current punishments and culture. We need a serious deterrent, @@LEADER@@. The long drop with a short stop should do the trick.

Outcome: the government has bulk-purchased thousands of yards of manila rope

Any reason that the commander needs to be male?

Also, as a general rule of thumb, lead with speech if the content of the speech is most pertinent, and lead with the identity of the speaker if that identity is the key piece of information. In this circumstance, you should open the option with speech, not the speaker's identity.

Same goes for the next option.

Option 3: As they leave the former commander of the base, Colonel @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME(2)@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME(3)@@ enters. "This would have never happened if women were not allowed into active duty or the reserves in the first place. When men and women are in crowded barracks, these... incidents are bound to happen. Now now, I'm not condoning what has happened, or defending the people who committed these acts! But to effectively curb scandals like these occurring in the future, drastic action must be taken." Saluting you, he leaves your office.

Outcome: the number of nursing school applicants has quadrupled

Not sure on the effect line's relevance here. Why would women denied a military career go into nursing?

Option 4: Hoping to take your mind off of this unfortunate topic, you pull out your phone only to find a text message from your nephew.

Player autonomy sin. Don't tell me what my character does or thinks, that's MY job as the player.

Opening the message, you read: "idk about you but imo having women serve in like a separate military service with limited roles and stuff would solve this whole military rape thing." As you read the message again another one appears on the screen: "also having a special female-only military force would be so sick cuz u know, guns and girls lol"

Outcome: the @@DENONYM@@ military is experiencing a gender identity crisis

Yeah, this option doesn't do much different from the previous one. Could be cut.


Anyway, there's now a bigger thing to review here. The issue remains very solid, and head and shoulders above most drafts here. However, it's a little serious throughout. This is, ultimately, a game of satire and comedy. You can do serious topics while still presenting comedy (albeit of a blacker sort). I'd point you again to #632 Dying for A Kiss here which deals with the horrific topic of honour killing, but still takes satirical stabs at its speakers in 2 of 3 options. Also, that issue delivers its message in a line or two in the description, and a line or two in each option. As per the How To thread (viewtopic.php?f=13&t=424657) remember that we're looking for Clarity, Story, Fun and Brevity. The first two you have attained. The second two aren't there yet.

[Australian rePublic]

Why assume that the rape victims are women? Men can be rape victims too

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Why assume that the rape victims are women? Men can be rape victims too

Sure, but that's not the issue at hand, and doesn't need to be addressed.

You're sounding like the guy who attends a meeting about the institutionalised racism suffered by young black men in the workplace who stands up and says "but what about racism against white men?"

It sounds like you're making a valid point until you look at the numbers involved, the history, the context, and everything else... once those things have been examined it becomes clear that you've missed the point so hard that you've shot the guy behind you.

Sure men can be rape victims, but this issue is about the systematic mistreatment of women in the military. Which is a real thing. Saying "what about the men?" is frankly a dick move.

[Greater Cesnica]

So I've addressed most of CA's concerns, save the biggest one. I'm still working on incorporating more humor into the issue.

Why assume that the rape victims are women? Men can be rape victims too

Sure, but that's not the issue at hand, and doesn't need to be addressed.

You're sounding like the guy who attends a meeting about the institutionalised racism suffered by young black men in the workplace who stands up and says "but what about racism against white men?"

It sounds like you're making a valid point until you look at the numbers involved, the history, the context, and everything else... once those things have been examined it becomes clear that you've missed the point so hard that you've shot the guy behind you.

Sure men can be rape victims, but this issue is about the systematic mistreatment of women in the military. Which is a real thing. Saying "what about the men?" is frankly a dick move.

My thoughts precisely, minus the "dick move" part.

[Greater Cesnica]

Sorry, I didn't have much time to work on this over the past weeks lol.

[Australian rePublic]

Why is this limited to male-on-female sexual assault? Male-on-male sexual assault exists, and even female-on-male sexual assault. By limiting this to male-on-female sexual assault, you're ignoring male victims of sexual assault

[Sanctaria]

Why is this limited to male-on-female sexual assault? Male-on-male sexual assault exists, and even female-on-male sexual assault. By limiting this to male-on-female sexual assault, you're ignoring male victims of sexual assault

As both the author and Candle have explained to you, the systematic abuse and assault of women in the military is a specific real world problem that deserves a counterpart in the issues database. If you want to write one about male victims of sexual assault, please by all means do so. But given your past approach to topics of sensitivity - I distinctly recall your attitudes towards menstruation - I would suggest you don't.

[Greater Cesnica]

Yeah sorry I don't know why I haven't updated this, I've just been extremely busy lately irl lol

[USS Monitor]

Yeah sorry I don't know why I haven't updated this, I've just been extremely busy lately irl lol

It happens. I sometimes let things sit for a very long time, but then later come back to them.

[Greater Cesnica]

Yeah sorry I don't know why I haven't updated this, I've just been extremely busy lately irl lol

It happens. I sometimes let things sit for a very long time, but then later come back to them.

Oh dear, you've retired! Uh... idk what to say congratulations? I just wanna say I appreciate everything you've done for the NSG community

[Greater Cesnica]

So, do I still need to spice up this draft with more comedy/satire, or can I submit it. Rn my brain's at an impasse lol.

[Greater Cesnica]

oof no response. I think I'll submit this soon.

[Greater Cesnica]

Submitted.

[Bears Armed]

Good luck!

[Greater Cesnica]

Good luck!

Thank you!

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!

[Greater Cesnica]

Good Luck!

Thanks! Though it has been a while..

[Greater Cesnica]

I'm going to take a leap and assume that the issue didn't get accepted. Back to the drawing board, I guess?

Any ideas y'all have?

[The Free Joy State]

I'm going to take a leap and assume that the issue didn't get accepted. Back to the drawing board, I guess?

Any ideas y'all have?

You submitted this on October 5th. That's less than three weeks ago. Our oldest submitted player issue is March 2017 (our oldest submitted Staff issue is from 2016).

We will not tell you if it has been accepted (or if it has not been). That is a deliberate choice. At most, you may be receive a TG if/when an editor takes a submission to work on, asking what you think of the edits (not all editors do that, some do; and not all those that do so do it all the time).

Our best suggestion is always: every time you submit an issue, make a wish and move on to the next draft.

If you ever hear about it again, it will be a happy surprise.

[Bears Armed]

Our oldest submitted player issue is March 2017 (our oldest submitted Staff issue is from 2016).

We will not tell you if it has been accepted (or if it has not been). That is a deliberate choice. At most, you may be receive a TG if/when an editor takes a submission to work on, asking what you think of the edits (not all editors do that, some do; and not all those that do so do it all the time).

Our best suggestion is always: every time you submit an issue, make a wish and move on to the next draft.

If you ever hear about it again, it will be a happy surprise.

And when the Editors say that there's nothing left in the 'submitted player issue' pool from before a certain date you'll be digging back through your records to see whether this means that anything that you submitted a while ago, but haven't heard anything about since, has now definitely been dropped...

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Though for the sake of covering all eventualities I should point out that rejected issues have been restored and published on several occasions, and there are sometimes issues that less active editors have checked out and held onto, which tend to only reappear when said editors have a burst of activity or retire (and thus return all checked out issues).