TITLE:
Don't Have a Cow, Man
VALIDITY:
Not vegetarian. Has significant agriculture. National religion not Hinduism.
DESCRIPTION:
Beef! While this meat is a firm favourite on the @@DEMONYM@@ menu, it's rapidly becoming clear that cattle herds are having a disproportionate environmental impact, largely because of the methane in their burps, farts and rotting faeces.
OPTION 1
"What we have here is a precious natural resource just floating away," conjures Bovine Apparel producer @@randomname@@, wafting @@HIS@@ hands over your head. "We need to legislate that at least 90% of the methane should be recaptured for biofuel use, whether through domed poo fermenters, tubes and backpack bubbles, or closed environment capture. We don't need to give up on beef, so long as we catch a few fumes!"
OUTCOME:
battery cows have tubes plugged into their mouths and bottoms
OPTION 2
"A cow is meant to roam free and naked, under the open sky," opines leather-lover @@randomname@@. "Don't restrain them: instead, give them a diet of Asparagopsis seaweed, to disrupt the methane-producing enzymes in the cows' stomachs. Of course, we'll need to dedicate large stretches of coastal sea to feed farms, displacing the odd marina and fishery, and we'll need a barge network for low-carbon transportation. Still, this way we get cows' bottoms nice and clean." @@HE@@ stops for a moment, and licks @@HIS@@ lips thoughtfully.
OUTCOME:
cows stare longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence
OPTION 3
"Hmm... o-kay," says vegan @@randomname@@, carefully backing away from the previous speaker. "Look, wouldn't it be better if all flesh-munchers just cut back on beef a bit? Maybe if you just taxed the heck out of large livestock, you could divert the funds into subsidising more carbon-friendly approaches, like vat-grown beef protein, worms, beetles, and -- if you must insist on conventional meats -- poultry."
OUTCOME:
a quarterpounder with cheese is the height of ostentatious consumption
OPTION 4
"That's the problem with you, @@firstname(3)@@, you've no conviction," interrupts ecorevolutionary @@randomname@@, waving a soysteak at you menacingly. "I demand that all meat-eating should be banned! Omnivorism is genocide! Down with the Meatocracy!"
OUTCOME:
the people say nuts to meat-based proteins
OPTION 5
"Two environmentalists and two vegans? Just how biased is this nation-state anyway?" rants self-proclaimed reasonable conservative @@randommalename@@. "This is an alarmist conspiracy, fabricated by the liberal vegan-industrial complex to take away our gastronomic freedoms. Look, if I want to put juicy meat in my mouth -- in a non homosexual way, I mean -- then that is my right as a @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. Celebrate beef with a National Steak Day, and be out and proud of our love for beef!"
OUTCOME:
Big Beef has a steak in national politics
DRAFT TWO: Thinner and leaner.
DRAFT ONE: Yeah, I know, too wordy. I'm just getting the ideas down first before I trim the fat.