[DRAFT] Five More Minutes

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

An issue draft after a loooong break. Let's see how much my writing ability has atrophied in the mean time.

[description]A recent report published by the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Bureau of Labor Statistics has shown that most workplace accidents occur in the early morning hours. Experts speculate that these accidents could be attributed to inattention, which can itself be a result of insufficient sleep, and they are calling for a restructuring of working hours all across @@NAME@@.

[validity] all

1.[option]"It is downright cruel to make us come to work at 9am!" clamors @@RANDOMNAME@@, a post-doc intern working in the Ministry of Health, rubbing @@HIS@@ eyes and yawning. "My dissertation shows that our civilization made a grave mistake by standardizing working hours, as there are drastic individual differences in when people sleep the best. Going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 6am doesn't work for everyone, some of us night owls are more alert and productive in the afternoon. I'd suggest therefore, @@LEADER@@, that we require all businesses to implement flexible working hours across the board. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go and take a nap."

[effect]the typical @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ breakfast starts with a slice of stale bread and yesterday's newspaper

2. [option]"Nap! That's the solution!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Productivity, jumping off @@HIS@@ seat. "Forget about flexible working hours, they'll only cause chaos. But this... This idea is pure gold. Let us require all workplaces to have a nap room and that all employees be given a mandatory naptime during the day. Our friends in Sevillania surely know what they're doing with that siesta thing. Why not do the same?"

[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ employees keep rolled-up futon mattresses and teddy bears under their desks

3. [option]"Naptimes? For Violet's sake, what are we, children?" yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Uniformity and former prison warden, pulling the ends of @@HIS@@ scarf to make them even. "The only reason why these lazybums can't be alert at work in the morning is because they mostly play video games, watch TV, or engage in some other frivolity until midnight or beyond. No wonder they don't get enough sleep! Back in the day, we used to turn off all the lights at 8pm sharp in the @@CAPITAL@@ penitentiary and everyone would fall sound asleep, so they could get up at 4am and make themselves useful in the workshop. We could encourage the same sleeping schedule by keeping track of the electricity consumption of each household and making people who use too much electricity at night pay a hefty fine. What do you think?"

[effect]Nighttime sports games have the worst viewership ratings of history

4. [option]"Excuse me, but I'd like to remind you that we have absolutely no evidence that these accidents are caused by sleep deprivation!" chimes in @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Darkbrew, the CEO of the Moonbucks coffee shop chain. "The workers are being inattentive, which may or may not be related to sleep. For my part, I'd like to bring it to your attention that the culprit might well be a lack of caffein, which is abundantly found in our world-class coffee. It would be great if you signed a public-private partnership deal with us so we could deliver Moonbucks coffee to all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ early in the morning, giving them a boost for the workday!"

[option validity]must be capitalist
[effect]office boys are having a hard time finding the prankster who ordered a cappuchino under the name 'Jennifer Government'

5. [option]"Excuse me, but I'd like to remind you that we have absolutely no evidence that these accidents are caused by sleep deprivation!" chimes in @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Darkbrew, the superintendent of the National Division of Coffee Plantations. "The workers are being inattentive, which may or may not be related to sleep. For my part, I'd like to bring it to your attention that the culprit might well be a lack of caffein, which is abundantly found in our world-class coffee. It would be great if you subsidized coffee production more so we could deliver @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ coffee to all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ early in the morning, giving them a boost for the workday!"

[option validity]must be socialist
[effect]office plants are thriving thanks to the coffee grounds dumped in the pots

[Australian rePublic]

This assumes that people work 9-5 Monday to Friday. What about gospitals, 24 hour warehouses, truck drivers, etc

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Aussie has a point - most nations don't have "standardised" working hours, rather different institutions privately come to decide what their own working hours are. I know that my GP practice that I run opens from 8am to 6:30pm, while the one I'm registered with goes from 10am to 2pm for example.

Also, is at actually a thing that workplace accidents happen more in the morning? I'd have expected that accidents would be more common towards the end of a shift, when people are tired out from working all day long, but I'd love to see the actual numbers.

[Verdant Haven]

Also, is at actually a thing that workplace accidents happen more in the morning? I'd have expected that accidents would be more common towards the end of a shift, when people are tired out from working all day long, but I'd love to see the actual numbers.

It's very much a thing. Mornings are far more dangerous than afternoons (or evenings), and early in the week is much more dangerous than late in the week, with the majority of the difference between days coming from a drop off in the difference in mornings. Monday morning is a death trap in particular.

There's a 20 year epidemiological study on the subject here: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf ... .tb00776.x

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Also, is at actually a thing that workplace accidents happen more in the morning? I'd have expected that accidents would be more common towards the end of a shift, when people are tired out from working all day long, but I'd love to see the actual numbers.

It's very much a thing. Mornings are far more dangerous than afternoons (or evenings), and early in the week is much more dangerous than late in the week, with the majority of the difference between days coming from a drop off in the difference in mornings. Monday morning is a death trap in particular.

There's a 20 year epidemiological study on the subject here: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf ... .tb00776.x

The speculation is that these injuries are also caused by sleep deprivation. But not because the people had to get up early to go to work in the morning. Rather, these people tend to be nightshift workers who are in the final hours of their shift early in the morning.

The only exception to that would be Monday morning, I suppose. That might really have to do with sleep deprivation, as people's bodies might get used to getting more sleep over the weekend - but then this gets disrupted when the work week begins.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Interesting.

There's a lot of ways this data could be interpreted. Maybe take the expert speculation out of the opening, and move it to one of the options, and have other options speculate on other causes. i.e.:

[description]A recent report published by the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Bureau of Labor Statistics has shown that most workplace accidents occur in the early morning hours.

[Lobosias]

maybe you could make it so, instead of assuming it's 9 to 5, make it so the person is asking to make having employees work in the early morning illegal?

“Having people work before 10am is cruel!" clamors @@RANDOMNAME@@, a post-doc intern working in the Ministry of Health, rubbing @@HIS@@ eyes and yawning. "Going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 6am doesn't work! Some of us night owls are more alert and productive in the afternoon. I'd suggest therefore, @@LEADER@@, that we require all businesses to implement a ban on early morning work. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a nap."

[Australian rePublic]

maybe you could make it so, instead of assuming it's 9 to 5, make it so the person is asking to make having employees work in the early morning illegal?

“Having people work before 10am is cruel!" clamors @@RANDOMNAME@@, a post-doc intern working in the Ministry of Health, rubbing @@HIS@@ eyes and yawning. "Going to bed at 10pm and getting up at 6am doesn't work! Some of us night owls are more alert and productive in the afternoon. I'd suggest therefore, @@LEADER@@, that we require all businesses to implement a ban on early morning work. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a nap."

All the morning people would hate that. I'd rather be awake in the morning than late at night

[Lobosias]

All the morning people would hate that. I'd rather be awake in the morning than late at night

that's the point rather, ain't it?

[Hediacrana]

Good concept!

I like Lobosias' suggestion above; that would nicely sidestep the assumptions.

Minor point, but I note that one speaker is exclaiming, another yelling, and yet another is clamoring; this makes me wonder, why is everybody shouting?

Also, rather than tracking people's electricity use, maybe just cut off all electricity past midnight? I think that could result in some funnier effect lines.