Two potential draft twos
Title: An un-emusing dilemma
Description: The local militia of a @@DENONYM@@ town has sent out a distress signal, having been unable to repress an invasion of 20,000 @@ANIMAL@@s.
"We are calling in from @@RANDOMNAME@@ Military Base", announces the staticky voice of Sergeant @@RANDOMNAME@@. Despite the lack of audibility, it is clear that @@HE@@ is panicking. "The @@ANIMAL@@s have killed 100 men already! We- We can’t hold out much longer! We are requesting permission to abandon the base and get out of here! We need to evac-". The voice cuts out to the sounds of seasoned war veterans screaming in terror.
Effect: @@NAME@@’s land has been reduced to large cities and extremely well-equipped military bases, as the rest is off-limits.
[Note: I do want to address that this issue would be much funnier if the @@ANIMAL@@ is a large flightless bird, rather than something like a jaguar. One possible solution could be that we just say "emu". The other is to have it be an Easter egg for all nations with a bird as their @@ANIMAL@@. If you have any thoughts on that, please post it here on the forum thread.]
"I agree with the voice coming out of that radio doohickey, sir. There are too darned many of them to get out, sir, so we should head for the hills", says farmer Huckleberry Calhoun, who was lucky enough to be visiting family in @@CAPITAL@@ during the invasion. "But with all these @@ANIMALS@@s eating our crops there’s not much we can do to feed ourselves. If you could send some money over to help us survive, it would be much appreciated. I promise you we’re all good honest people. We won’t abuse it."
Effect: victims of home squatting make more money than lawyers
"Why don’t you send in, you know, the military?", condescends journalist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who became famous for authoring From Fake News Blogger to Investigative Journalist: Why Real Life is Funnier than @@LEADER@@’s Affairs. "At this point, they’re an invading force. If you send in the soldiers, I’m almost positive they’ll make quick work of them and get great target practice. C’mon man, I’ll lose my job if I can’t get a good story out."
Effect: thousands of @@ANIMAL@@ corpses prevent @@DENONYM@@ farmers from farming
Second possible effect line: beheading @@ANIMAL@@s is a popular carnival game
Normal option 4:
"I personally welcome our @@ANIMAL@@ overlords", says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who your secretary caught smoking weed in the bathroom. "Think about it, man. All humans ever do is pollute the environment and hunt! We don’t deserve that land. After all, they were there first".
Effect: picking flowers after a bee has landed on them is a crime
Option 4 if the player picked option 3 in issue 737:
"Just let your @@ANIMAL@@ overlords have the land", coos the infamous Bird Lady, who claims to have orchestrated the invasion. "Remember how well we served you against Tasmania? Well, if you continue to fight the flock, we will have to respond less… diplomatically". The Bird Lady flaps her giant wings, then runs away cackling madly.
Title: An un-emusing dilemma
Description: The farmers of a @@DENONYM@@ town have hired mercenaries to repress an invading force of 20,000 @@ANIMAL@@s, but little progress has been made in the past 2 months.
"There are too darned many of them for all our mercenaries to get out, sir.", says farmer Huckleberry Calhoun, who has been chosen as diplomat due to his impeccable dinner-table manners. "And with all these @@ANIMALS@@s eating our crops there’s not much we can do to feed ourselves. If you could send some money over to help us survive, and perhaps repay us for the mercenaries, it would be much appreciated. I promise you we’re all good honest people. We won’t abuse it."
Effect: victims of home squatting make more money than lawyers
"Why don’t you send in, you know, the military?", condescends journalist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who became famous for authoring From Fake News Blogger to Investigative Journalist: Why Real Life is Funnier than @@LEADER@@’s Affairs. "At this point, they’re an invading force. If you send in our professional soldiers, rather then those redneck 'mercenaries’, they’ll make quick work of them and get great target practice. C’mon man, I’ll lose my job if I can’t get a good story out."
Effect: thousands of @@ANIMAL@@ corpses prevent @@DENONYM@@ farmers from farming
Second possible effect line: beheading @@ANIMAL@@s is a popular carnival game
Normal option 4:
"I personally welcome our @@ANIMAL@@ overlords", says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who your secretary caught smoking weed in the bathroom. "Think about it, man. All humans ever do is pollute the environment and hunt! We don’t deserve that land. After all, they were there first".
Effect: picking flowers after a bee has landed on them is a crime
Option 4 if the player picked option 3 in issue 737:
"Just let your @@ANIMAL@@ overlords have the land", coos the infamous Bird Lady, who claims to have orchestrated the invasion. "Remember how well we served you against Tasmania? Well, if you continue to fight the flock, we will have to respond less… diplomatically". The Bird Lady flaps her giant wings, then runs away cackling madly.
