[1234] I Declare a Thumb War

[Verdant Haven]

4th draft:

[TITLE] I Declare a Thumb War

[DESCRIPTION] Nosy researchers recently uncovered a conveniently "lost" treaty with one of @@NAME@@’s aboriginal populations, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. Documents in hand, Elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ "The Finger Crusher" has come to you demanding to use the group’s traditional "thumb war" as a means to settle a longstanding ownership dispute over a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.


[OPTION 1] "For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings" @@HE@@ roars, working an enormous exercise band with @@HIS@@ equally enormous thumbs. "You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!"

[EFFECT] the government is under the thumb of countless special interests


[OPTION 2] "Now hold on a moment!" interjects General @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of an eccentric military research branch. "We shouldn't thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t say who they face? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it's time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!"

[EFFECT] the government keeps its thumb on the scales of justice


[OPTION 3] "Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!" enthuses television executive @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, pointing at himself. "Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the demographics! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season… no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!"

[EFFECT] critics are giving courtroom dramas two thumbs up


[OPTION 4] "Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs… I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it" opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. "It's so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually."

[EFFECT] treaties are taken to be mere rules of thumb

3rd draft:

[TITLE] I Declare a Thumb War

[DESCRIPTION] Nosy researchers recently uncovered a conveniently "lost" treaty with one of @@NAME@@’s aboriginal populations, guaranteeing the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. Documents in hand, Elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ "The Finger Crusher" has come to you demanding to use the group’s traditional "thumb war" as a means to settle a longstanding ownership dispute over a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.


[OPTION 1] "For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings" @@HE@@ roars, working an enormous exercise band with @@HIS@@ equally enormous thumbs. "You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!"

[EFFECT] the government is under the thumb of countless special interests


[OPTION 2] "Now hold on a moment!" interjects General @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of an eccentric military research branch. "We shouldn't thumb our nose at this treaty, but see how it doesn’t say who they face? My office has been secretly developing a mechanical exo-suit, and it's time to field test our new Mega Glove! I bet one of our soldiers would make a great champion!"

[EFFECT] the government insists human enhancement is @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tradition


[OPTION 3] "Who’s got two thumbs and a money making idea? This guy!" enthuses television executive @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, pointing at himself. "Instead of tying up the real courts with this sort of thing, let me make a reality-sports-procedural show out of it! Think of the demographics! Everybody will tune in to see if the plucky bar-room thumb wrestler can train enough to overcome the mighty hands of big business lawyers over the course of a season… no, two seasons! Oh, the montages we’ll have!"

[EFFECT] lawsuits are regularly broadcast on @@NAMEINITIALS@@SPN


[OPTION 4] "Whoever wrote this must have been all thumbs… I don’t think our government can really be held accountable for it" opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. "It's so badly written, I practically need a translator to read it! Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually."

[EFFECT] treaties depend on what the meaning of the word 'is' is

2nd draft:

[TITLE] I Declare a Thumb War

[DESCRIPTION] Nosy researchers have recently uncovered a conveniently "lost" treaty with one of @@NAME@@’s aboriginal populations. Among the treaty’s guarantees is the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. With these documents in hand, Elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ "The Finger Crusher" has come to you demanding to use the group’s traditional “thumb war” as a means to settle a longstanding ownership dispute over a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYM@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.


[OPTION 1] "For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings" @@HE@@ roars, flexing @@HIS@@ enormous hands. "You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!"

[EFFECT] lawsuits are regularly broadcast on @@NAMEINITIALS@@SPN


[OPTION 2] "Now hold on a moment!" interjects General @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of an eccentric military research branch. “They are guaranteed that right, but it doesn’t say who they face! My office has been working on a mechanical exoskeletons to enhance strength and stamina in the field. We could use a field test of our new ViceGripXL9000 Mega Gauntlet, and I bet one our soldiers would make a great champion!"

[EFFECT] the government insists human enhancement is @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tradition


[OPTION 3] "This treaty is so old, I don’t think our modern government can really be considered to be the same as the one that signed it" opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. "I mean this language… it’s so archaic that I practically need a translator to read it. Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually."

[EFFECT] treaties depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is

1st draft:

[TITLE] I Declare a Thumb War

[DESCRIPTION] A student conducting research in the dark recesses of a @@DEMONYM@@ archive recently uncovered a long-forgotten treaty with one of the aboriginal populations of modern @@NAME@@. Amongst the guarantees made by the treaty is the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. Now, elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ “The Finger Crusher” has come to you, demanding to use the group’s traditional “thumb war” as a means to settle longstanding legal dispute over ownership of a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYM@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.


[OPTION 1] “For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and our place in its industry!” @@HE@@ roars, flexing @@HIS@@ enormous hands. “Let us settle this in the way of our ancestors! Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!”

[EFFECT] burly bar patrons make the best lawyers


[OPTION 2] “Now hold on a moment!” hollers @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. “They are guaranteed that right, but it doesn’t say who they face! I hear the military has been working those mechanical exoskeletons to enhance strength and stamina in the field. I bet one our soldiers would make a great champion, decked out in a suit like that! “

[EFFECT] lawsuits fail in the face of mech suits


[OPTION 3] “This treaty is so ancient, I don’t think our modern government can really be considered to be the same as the one that signed it” opines bored-looking civil servant @@RANDOMNAME@@, staring at a copy of the document. “I mean this language… it’s so old I practically need a translator to read it. Just challenge it in court – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out.”

[EFFECT] inconvenient laws are immediately declared obsolete

[Australian rePublic]

Ancient treaty? Did ancients care about indegenous rights?

[Verdant Haven]

New draft up:

- Shortened the description text by removing unnecessary detail
- Modified description to reduce necessity of great age for government
- Provided reasoning for selection of option 1
- Changed speaker of option 2 to improve relevance, and rationalize option selection
- Re-worded option 3 and made it skeezier
- Replaced all effect texts to add humor and reduce literalness

[Earthbound Immortal Squad]

Looking at this issue concept it reminds me of a weird but fun tv show I watched when I was younger about wrestling thumbs so it was a nice flashback.

Onto the issue itself maybe for either an altered issue 3 or a 4th option something along the lines of "what if the document is in fact a hoax?" It seems like a logical point of view for something like this.

[Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners]

Thumb war. Of course. It's so patently obvious once someone else thinks of it first and should get first dibs on the topic.

Here's some suggestions from a competitor, if it might help:

[DESCRIPTION] Nosy researchers have recently uncovered a conveniently "lost" treaty with one of @@NAME@@’s aboriginal populations. Among the treaty’s guarantees is the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. With these documents in hand, Elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ "The Finger Crusher" has come to you demanding to use the group’s traditional “thumb war” as a means to settle a longstanding ownership dispute over a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYM@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.

Still a bit wordy, I think. I'd combine the first two sentences, maybe to something like:

"Nosy researchers have recently uncovered a conveniently 'lost' treaty between @@NAME@@ and an aboriginal population, guaranteeing the right to settle disputes by traditional means. Following the discovery..."

[OPTION 1] "For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings" @@HE@@ roars, flexing @@HIS@@ enormous hands. "You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!"

Instead of flexing hands, what about a more thumbs-based show of strength? Like one-thumbed push-ups, or something like that?

[EFFECT] lawsuits are regularly broadcast on @@NAMEINITIALS@@SPN

Or some sort of digit-al stream. Cause thumbs.

[OPTION 2] "Now hold on a moment!" interjects General @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of an eccentric military research branch. “They are guaranteed that right, but it doesn’t say who they face! My office has been working on a mechanical exoskeletons to enhance strength and stamina in the field. We could use a field test of our new ViceGripXL9000 Mega Gauntlet, and I bet one our soldiers would make a great champion!"

[EFFECT] the government insists human enhancement is @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tradition

As a child of the 80s, this immediately makes me think of the Nintendo Power Glove, which really was SO BAD.

Or, perhaps an alternate tech option would be some sort of thumb war console video game, with thumb analog stick controllers that provide maybe a little too much haptic feedback.

[OPTION 3] "This treaty is so old, I don’t think our modern government can really be considered to be the same as the one that signed it" opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. "I mean this language… it’s so archaic that I practically need a translator to read it. Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually."

[EFFECT] treaties depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is

I feel like the draft is losing the theme here. Where's the thumb/1234 angle? I have a vague notion about endless court challenges involving paralegals who are all thumbs...

[Verdant Haven]

Thumb war. Of course. It's so patently obvious once someone else thinks of it first and should get first dibs on the topic.

Here's some suggestions from a competitor, if it might help:

Many thanks :-D And I definitely appreciate the inputs.

[DESCRIPTION] Nosy researchers have recently uncovered a conveniently "lost" treaty with one of @@NAME@@’s aboriginal populations. Among the treaty’s guarantees is the right to settle legal cases by traditional means. With these documents in hand, Elder @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ "The Finger Crusher" has come to you demanding to use the group’s traditional “thumb war” as a means to settle a longstanding ownership dispute over a critical piece of real-estate used for @@DEMONYM@@ @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@.

Still a bit wordy, I think. I'd combine the first two sentences, maybe to something like:

"Nosy researchers have recently uncovered a conveniently 'lost' treaty between @@NAME@@ and an aboriginal population, guaranteeing the right to settle disputes by traditional means. Following the discovery..."

Yes, there's the construction I was going for. I was kicking out both the original and the edits in 15 minute patches between other obligations this weekend, and never really got to focus on smoothing that language yet. Thanks, I'll get the adjustments in there!

[OPTION 1] "For too long, my people have been denied our rights to this valuable land, and the economic power it brings" @@HE@@ roars, flexing @@HIS@@ enormous hands. "You must respect our rights, and prove that your government is honorable. Stick out that puny thumb of yours @@LEADER@@, and let’s get this over with. I promise not to humiliate you… much!"

Instead of flexing hands, what about a more thumbs-based show of strength? Like one-thumbed push-ups, or something like that?

Hmm, that could work. I don't want it to be too absurdist (it's already a ridiculous concept), but definitely worth emphasizing the thumbs here.

[EFFECT] lawsuits are regularly broadcast on @@NAMEINITIALS@@SPN

Or some sort of digit-al stream. Cause thumbs.

Haha, the puns are legion. In this case though, I don't want to create a validity for internet/computers. Best to just keep it to a neutral form of broadcasting, and figured ESPN is a recognizable name even beyond US borders.

[OPTION 2] "Now hold on a moment!" interjects General @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of an eccentric military research branch. “They are guaranteed that right, but it doesn’t say who they face! My office has been working on a mechanical exoskeletons to enhance strength and stamina in the field. We could use a field test of our new ViceGripXL9000 Mega Gauntlet, and I bet one our soldiers would make a great champion!"

[EFFECT] the government insists human enhancement is @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tradition

As a child of the 80s, this immediately makes me think of the Nintendo Power Glove, which really was SO BAD.

Or, perhaps an alternate tech option would be some sort of thumb war console video game, with thumb analog stick controllers that provide maybe a little too much haptic feedback.

The Power Glove is exactly what I had in mind here :-D I very nearly called it the Power Glove, but didn't want to run in to using a real world trademark name. I went with what I did because it's blending real world emerging tech (military exo-suits) with absolutely absurd application (mechanized thumb wars). Perhaps I should change the name to "Power Gauntlet" or "Mega Glove" to make that reference directly? Thoughts?

[OPTION 3] "This treaty is so old, I don’t think our modern government can really be considered to be the same as the one that signed it" opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Weaseling Out of Things. "I mean this language… it’s so archaic that I practically need a translator to read it. Just tie it up in court with endless challenges to what each word means – I’m sure it’ll get thrown out eventually."

[EFFECT] treaties depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is

I feel like the draft is losing the theme here. Where's the thumb/1234 angle? I have a vague notion about endless court challenges involving paralegals who are all thumbs...

I ignored the angle here, much as the minister is trying to ignore the problem, but I think the "all thumbs" reference is a good one. I could see about sticking that in there.

One other thing I could try would be to split the sports angle away from the first and have a the government go be "under the thumb" of special interests. Then I can mix in an eager television exec wanting to broadcast stuff. Let me see what I can do here.

Thank you again for the feedback!

[Verdant Haven]

New update:

- Smoothed and tweaked Option 1 text with ACBC's feedback.
- Replaced Effect 1 text (moved it to the new Option 30.
- Smoothed and tweaked Option 2 text.
- Created a new Option 3, bumping previous 3 to 4.
- Modified and smoother Option 4 (prev 3) text with ACBC's feedback, and altered the minister's objection somewhat.
- Increased thumbiness across the board.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Love the premise, and the tie-in to the issue number is the cleverest approach so far. Nice one.

[Australian rePublic]

How would have Ancient peoples with no communication with the outside world known about thumb wars?

[Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners]

Hey, as I'm doing the dishes, I'm trying to think of ways to ties the options in my own entry into the "1234" theme a bit better. As you know, my option 3 is about biometrics and thumbs, and I'm thinking a "thumb war" reference is too good to pass up.

Still, you got that theme first, so I wanted to check to make sure you're cool with it. I was thinking the speaker would do the one-thumbed push-ups thing, unless you wanna use it (I did suggest it here earlier). The "thumb war" reference would be directly to that game, but something more vague about thumbs being key to the war against evil hackers, or some such.

It's totally cool if you'd rather I didn't, so don't hesitate to say so if that's the case.

[Verdant Haven]

Love the premise, and the tie-in to the issue number is the cleverest approach so far. Nice one.

You're very kind, thank you!

Hey, as I'm doing the dishes, I'm trying to think of ways to ties the options in my own entry into the "1234" theme a bit better. As you know, my option 3 is about biometrics and thumbs, and I'm thinking a "thumb war" reference is too good to pass up.

Still, you got that theme first, so I wanted to check to make sure you're cool with it. I was thinking the speaker would do the one-thumbed push-ups thing, unless you wanna use it (I did suggest it here earlier). The "thumb war" reference would be directly to that game, but something more vague about thumbs being key to the war against evil hackers, or some such.

It's totally cool if you'd rather I didn't, so don't hesitate to say so if that's the case.

I appreciate your help in here, and thanks for asking! If you're just using it for one option text, I'm think I'm ok with that. Also, by all means go for the push-ups! That one was your suggestion, and I elected to use exercise bands to represent thumbercising in this one :-D

[Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners]

I appreciate your help in here, and thanks for asking! If you're just using it for one option text, I'm think I'm ok with that. Also, by all means go for the push-ups! That one was your suggestion, and I elected to use exercise bands to represent thumbercising in this one :-D

Sweet. In fact, on second-second thought, I'm not going to make any mention of "war" at all, since you still thought of it first and should get first crack at it ( !!! ). I did want the thumb push-ups back, though, if you wern't going to use it, so thanks!

[Verdant Haven]

New draft up!

I'm homing this one in on its final form, so this draft was strictly an overhaul of effect lines. They now have 300% more thumbs!

[Logophilia Lyricalia]

Trying to figure out a way to naturally work a hitchhiker in here somewhere...

[Verdant Haven]

I'm moving this forward to Last Call status! Any additional feedback or thoughts?

Many thanks for the input along the way :-D

[Devil Heart]

I really like this issue, how it is funny and also discusses something so important in that 1234 format

[Verdant Haven]

Thank you, everybody, for the feedback and assistance!

This issue has been submitted for the contest :-D

[Australian rePublic]

Good Luck!