[SUBMITTED] Big Boom at University of @@CAPITAL@@

[Kakastania]

[title] Big Boom at University of @@CAPITAL@@

[desc]A controlled explosion has been carried out on a suspicious package which was found in the mailroom at University of @@CAPITAL@@, @@NAME@@’s Police Department said. Multiple generations of @@DENONYM@@ have showed up at your doorstep.

[option] The well known Chairman of the University of @@NAME@@ sprints in and screams: “This is serious breach to our security!! Oh dear @@LEADER@@, we want to beef up our security, but we don’t have the money. Give us, oh maybe a few hundred million, and we’ll fix this before you can say @@SLOGAN@@.”
[effect] Forgetting your ID card to get into school every morning can get you framed as a terrorist.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book “Who needs a budget?”. “This happened to a private school which charges at least 29753 @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem.”
[effect] Bullet proof vests for every student are at least 85% of every school budget.

[option] “You know, maybe this explosives aren't that bad.” whispers a shadowy figure who appeared right next to you. He hands you a package that reads “NOT SUSPICIOUS” and whispers “I send the package, but it was meant as a test for my new bomb idea. If you endorse me, I’ll supply you with a new sort of bomb.
[effect] Bombers are dismissed of their charges after claiming “Good Science-Man laws.”

[Candensia]

Yo!

Looking at your writing, I'd say you could have an issue or two in you. However, the debate of this draft feels unbalanced, and I blame Option 2.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book “Who needs a budget?”. “This happened to a private school which charges at least 29753 @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem.”

Option two looks like a textbook "do-nothing" option, a task which is better left to the dismiss button. Options must do something actively.

[effect] Forgetting your ID card to get into school every morning can get you framed as a terrorist.

Effect lines are not capitalized, nor do they posses ending punctuation.

“Good Science-Man laws.”

Use single quotes around any non-speech, to avoid confusion. Like 'this'.

[Baggieland]

So a bomb goes off at an educational facility.
1: government funded security.
2: do nothing.
3: invest in some kind of weird, unidentified, new bomb.

Option 1 is probably okay. Option 2 is all wrong for the reasons Candensia pointed out. Option 3, why would you buy a dodgy bomb from a dodgy guy? What's wrong with your arms manufacturing industry?

Also, don't mention specific amounts of money. What is a lot of money for some nations is a drop in the ocean for others.

[Kakastania]

[title] Big Boom at University of @@CAPITAL@@

[desc]A controlled explosion has been carried out on a suspicious package which was found in the mailroom at University of @@CAPITAL@@, @@NAME@@’s Police Department said. Multiple generations of @@DENONYM@@ have showed up at your doorstep.

[option] The well known Chairman of the University of @@NAME@@ sprints in and screams: “This is serious breach to our security!! Oh dear @@LEADER@@, we want to beef up our security, but we don’t have the money. Give us, oh maybe a few hundred million, and we’ll fix this before you can say @@SLOGAN@@.”
[effect] forgetting your ID card to get into school every morning can get you framed as a terrorist

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a budget?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem. You should invest more in more security for yourself.” You suddenly realize that you had never let these protesters in.
[effect] bullet proof vests for every student are nowhere as strong as @@LEADER@@’s door

[option] “You know, maybe this explosives aren't that bad.” whispers a shadowy figure who appeared right next to you. He hands you a package that reads “NOT SUSPICIOUS” and whispers “I send the package, but it was meant as a test for my new bomb idea. If you endorse me, I’ll supply you with a new sort of bomb.
[effect] bombers are dismissed of their charges after claiming ‘Good Science-Man laws’

[USS Monitor]

Why is this issue coming to @@LEADER@@ rather than university administrators and the police handling it themselves?

Also, is there a reason for the name Soffia Wang?

Candensia is probably right that you're capable of writing good issues if you stick around and learn the ropes, but this one is not really clicking yet.

[Candensia]

It is common practice to edit new drafts into the original post and to spoiler old ones. It's helpful when comments start to pile up.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a budget?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem. You should invest more in more security for yourself.” You suddenly realize that you had never let these protesters in.

Still not buying option 2. It now looks to be a cross between a do-nothing option and a wacky third-option. What this draft still needs is a sensible(ish) second option to follow option one. You can do this several ways; by directly refuting the stance brought up in option 1, or you can present a different way to remedy the situation presented in your premise.

So, what is another way @@NAME@@ can work to limit further mail attacks other than beefing up school security?

Perhaps @@NAME@@ could halt further attacks by beefing up its intelligence networks, ending plots before they are executed? Perhaps @@NAME@@ could send some money to the postal service in order to improve their screening ability? Something like that.

[USS Monitor]

It is common practice to edit new drafts into the original post and to spoiler old ones. It's helpful when comments start to pile up.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a budget?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem. You should invest more in more security for yourself.” You suddenly realize that you had never let these protesters in.

Still not buying option 2. It now looks to be a cross between a do-nothing option and a wacky third-option. What this draft still needs is a sensible(ish) second option to follow option one. You can do this several ways; by directly refuting the stance brought up in option 1, or you can present a different way to remedy the situation presented in your premise.

So, what is another way @@NAME@@ can work to limit further bomb attacks other than beefing up school security?

Perhaps @@NAME@@ could halt further attacks by beefing up its intelligence networks, ending plots before they are executed? Perhaps @@NAME@@ could send some money to the postal service in order to improve their screening ability? Something like that.

The thing is, it sounds like screening is already pretty good since they caught the bomb before it went off and hurt someone.

Maybe that's part of why this isn't working for me as a serious national issue.

[Candensia]

It is common practice to edit new drafts into the original post and to spoiler old ones. It's helpful when comments start to pile up.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a budget?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem. You should invest more in more security for yourself.” You suddenly realize that you had never let these protesters in.

Still not buying option 2. It now looks to be a cross between a do-nothing option and a wacky third-option. What this draft still needs is a sensible(ish) second option to follow option one. You can do this several ways; by directly refuting the stance brought up in option 1, or you can present a different way to remedy the situation presented in your premise.

So, what is another way @@NAME@@ can work to limit further bomb attacks other than beefing up school security?

Perhaps @@NAME@@ could halt further attacks by beefing up its intelligence networks, ending plots before they are executed? Perhaps @@NAME@@ could send some money to the postal service in order to improve their screening ability? Something like that.

The thing is, it sounds like screening is already pretty good since they caught the bomb before it went off and hurt someone.

The package was not detected until it reached its target, rather than being intercepted at a mail distribution center somewhere, from what I gather.

[USS Monitor]

The thing is, it sounds like screening is already pretty good since they caught the bomb before it went off and hurt someone.

The package was not detected until it reached its target, rather than being intercepted at a mail distribution center somewhere, from what I gather.

If the issue is about catching things in the postal system before they get delivered then we need options about that.

[Verdant Haven]

[title] Big Boom at University of @@CAPITAL@@

[desc]A controlled explosion has been carried out on a suspicious package which was found in the mailroom at University of @@CAPITAL@@, @@NAME@@’s Police Department said. Multiple generations of @@DENONYM@@ have showed up at your doorstep.

What is the significance of having different generations show up? Nothing about the descriptions of the speakers in the options suggests that their ages are relevant. Indeed, they all seem to be adults of some sort - potentially mid to late career adults. That sentence feels a bit tacked on, and doesn't really contribute to the description.

A controlled explosion on a suspicious package indicates that security worked perfectly - that's what [i]should/i] happen. This is the opposite of a security breach - this is security success.

Nothing in the description suggests it was actually a bomb. The vast majority of suspicious packages reported and responded to are completely mundane. If this is supposed to be an actual explosive device that was found and disrupted, that needs to be mentioned up front, and would contribute to at least justifying the scale of the response in the options. "Suspicious packages" are literally a daily occurrence for many security agencies.

[option] The well known Chairman of the University of @@NAME@@ sprints in and screams: “This is serious breach to our security!! Oh dear @@LEADER@@, we want to beef up our security, but we don’t have the money. Give us, oh maybe a few hundred million, and we’ll fix this before you can say @@SLOGAN@@.”
[effect] forgetting your ID card to get into school every morning can get you framed as a terrorist

Why is the chairman well known, and what does that have to add to the conversation here? Is he well known for his hard-hitting outlook on safety? That would be relevant! If he's well known because he is a career ornithologist who published a wildly popular book on the pigmentary color of cardinal feathers, that doesn't so much add to the conversation. Also, unless their being male is important, it could be worth neutralizing it by using the term "chairperson."

It's best not to use numbers when discussing currency, as different economies are wildly different. In real life (for example) two hundred million Venezuelan Bolivars is the equivalent of only around 60,000 USD, and 60,000 USD is only worth about 23,000 Omani Rial. I'm sure another way could be said to suggest "a really large amount" without giving numbers that won't make much sense for many people.

The effect doesn't seem to follow, in my mind. Forgetting your ID might lead to you being barred from attending classes, or maybe the freshman seminar is replaced with a class that teaches all the passwords and codes needed to navigate campus, but stepping up security doesn't translate to wildly accusing people of terrorism.

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a budget?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. Leader, this is not your problem. You should invest more in more security for yourself.” You suddenly realize that you had never let these protesters in.
[effect] bullet proof vests for every student are nowhere as strong as @@LEADER@@’s door

Why is The University of @@CAPITAL@@ necessarily a private school? Some nations have free university for all citizens, paid for by the taxpayers. A number of different issues add small elements like identifying departments of this particular university, but outright declaring it to be a private institution feels a stretch too far.

The closing sentence ("You suddenly realize...") feels out of place, and doesn't add to the position.

I'm also confused by the specific name. I assumed it was a play on the book "You Need A Budget," but that's by Jesse Mecham, so I don't see that connection. Is there a different reference at play?

[option] “You know, maybe this explosives aren't that bad.” whispers a shadowy figure who appeared right next to you. He hands you a package that reads “NOT SUSPICIOUS” and whispers “I send the package, but it was meant as a test for my new bomb idea. If you endorse me, I’ll supply you with a new sort of bomb.
[effect] bombers are dismissed of their charges after claiming ‘Good Science-Man laws’

I get where this option is going, and I think it can be developed, but in current form it is not at all believable. Why is this bomb better than others? What makes it worth supporting? Why should a terrorist who walks up and confesses to you that they were just attempting to commit murder not be arrested on the spot? There is literally no argument in favor of this, so it feels completely illogical. I think it could be developed more readily on an angle where the head of the bomb squad comes up and mentions that the mechanism was particularly advanced, or that the bomber clearly had a great deal of skill, and perhaps you should try to recruit them if they are found. The would allow a reasonable effect text in which criminals are forgiven so long as they're willing to work for the state.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Apologies if other comments duplicated: haven't had time to read the full thread yet.

[desc]A controlled explosion has been carried out on a suspicious package which was found in the mailroom at University of @@CAPITAL@@, @@NAME@@’s Police Department said. Multiple generations of @@DENONYM@@ have showed up at your doorstep.

This premise doesn't feel like a government issue to me. It's just something that happened that the police then dealt with.

The second sentence reads like a redundancy, and could be deleted with no loss of information.

I suggest you revisit the premise, and ask yourself what question is being asked of government, then reframe it implying that question.

[Kakastania]

[title] Big Boom at University of @@CAPITAL@@

[desc]A controlled explosion has been carried out on a suspicious package which was found in the mailroom at University of @@CAPITAL@@, @@NAME@@’s Police Department said. At least a hundred people have shown up in your office. You soon become worried that your office will soon explode bigger than the package they’re protesting about, so you decide to here their cases.

[option] The well known Chairman of the University of @@NAME@@ sprints in and screams: “This is serious breach to our security!! Oh dear @@LEADER@@, we want to beef up our security, but we don’t have the money. Give us, oh maybe a few hundred million, and we’ll fix this before you can say @@SLOGAN@@.”
[effect] forgetting your ID card to get into school every morning can get you framed as a terrorist

[option] “What? Government spending? Shouldn’t the school sort this out itself?” snaps Soffía Wang, renowned writer of the book ‘Who needs a private sector?’. “This happened to a private school which charges tons of @@CURRENCY@@ a semester; and not to the central government. @@LEADER@@, you should be funding the public schools, they are the ones that need your help.
[effect] public schools often charge more than private schools to fit their security budget

[option] “You know, maybe this explosives aren't that bad.” whispers a shadowy figure who appeared right next to you. He hands you a package that reads ‘NOT SUSPICIOUS’ and whispers “I sent the package, but it was meant as a test for my new bomb idea. If you endorse me, I’ll supply you with a new sort of bomb.”
[effect] bombers are dismissed of their charges after claiming ‘Good Science-Man laws’