[DRAFT] High on Libby Doe's Pills

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Brutland and Norden
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Founded: Dec 12, 2006
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[DRAFT] High on Libby Doe's Pills

Postby Brutland and Norden » Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:04 am

Few comments: I'm may be an oldie here on NS but I'm a total newbie here on "Got Issues?" :blush: This is my first draft -ever- so, constructive criticism is welcome :)

Also, I'm still stumped for a title. I'd would've just wanted to put the name of the pills ("Super Potent Libby Doe’s Aphrodisiac Herbal Pills") on the title, not sure if it will work. If there are any suggestions, feel free to post.

Alright, here it goes!

Title: High on Libby Doe's Pills

The Issue: Spates of sexual assaults and public indecency perpetrated by frenzied people taking Super Potent Libby Doe’s Aphrodisiac Herbal Pills scandalised the @@DEMONYM@@ public. It had gotten so bad that one morning, a mob of people brought the pill’s creator and a pill user to you as an example.
Validity: All

Option 1: “This woman is a criminal,” scowls @@RANDOMNAME@@, Chief of the @@DEMONYM@@ Police. “Miss Libby Doe sold plants, leaves, pills, capsules – uh, whatever - that would cause its users to commit crimes. She’s no different than your average drug dealer. She should be thrown in jail along with all other people who dare sell these stuff!”
[effect] Selling plants is illegal without permit.

Option 2: “There’s nothing wrong with what I did,” says the pill’s inventor, Libby Doe. The bespectacled hippie grandmother-of-six then pours a bagful of green capsules on your desk. “As a herbalist, I know that for centuries, @@DEMONYM PLURAL@@ had been using the mandrake, joyflower, scandalwood, mantree, and womanswort to enhance their bedroom performance. I just put them together in an easy-to-take capsule so that every @@DEMONYM@@ will now have access to bliss! Surely you wouldn’t want to be the killjoy. It’s traditional and natural medicine, it should be available in drugstores throughout @@NAME@@.”
[effect] Masses of googly-eyed drooling @@DEMONYM PLURAL@@ go on rampages every night.

Option 3: “I don’t believe in the "traditional" or "herbal" "medicine" poppycock,” remarks @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of the @@NAME@@ Drug Regulation Agency. @@HE@@ then sweeps much of the capsules off your desk with a swipe of @@HIS@@ arm. “If not clinically proven, the claims are not true. Aphrodisiacs and herbal ‘medicines’ are a scam and should be labelled as such. And oh, throw Miss Libby Doe in jail while you’re at it.”
[effect] Herbal medicine is looked down upon.

Option 4: “Who says it’s not true!? I had the best night of my life!” Drawls the still-slightly woozy @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, charged by police for ‘indecent exposure’. “Me and my sword – we were the greatest conquerors of the world last night!” He then shows you his handcuffed hands. “Free me so I can conquer the world again! I need companions! Give free pills to every @@DEMONYM@@!”
[effect] @@NAME@@ consistently makes the “the most hedonist nation” lists.

Option 5: “Hush, hush,” whispers your secretary as everyone was ordered out of the room. “@@LEADER@@,” your secretary says in a sultry voice, “I want to experience the bliss.” Your secretary then pockets a few of the capsules and puts some more into your hands. “Let’s have some fun, shall we?”
[effect] @@DEMONYM PLURAL@@ are wondering why @@LEADER@@ is always unavailable.
Last edited by Brutland and Norden on Wed Jan 16, 2019 7:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Verdant Haven
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Postby Verdant Haven » Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:16 am

Looks pretty well-written! Nice work. Here are my feedback and suggestions for draft 1:

One quick overall note – effect text should not be written as complete sentences – it needs to fit as a comma-delineated clause within a larger sentence. Upshot: no capital to start and no period on the end.

Description: Sexual assault is a very sensitive issue, with a lot of potential to trigger extremely negative reactions in people – especially when being placed in a context that is otherwise humorous. In the case of this issue, it also is something that is not mentioned again, so is probably unnecessary to include. I would simply list it as "Spates of raucous behavior and public indecency perpetrated by…" and leave it at that. There's a big difference between minor public disorder and the violence of rape, especially given that multiple of the options are to encourage the behavior described.

Option 1: Is she a criminal? That's a bold statement for the police chief, since apparently it hasn't actually been illegal up to this point. I would probably adjust his position to "This woman should be treated as a criminal" rather than saying she already is one (in which case, the chief wouldn't need permission to proceed).

Effect 1: I like the idea, but it's a bit dry. I might go more towards "side-effects of herbal medications may include prison."

Option 2: Generally solid. I would consider perhaps replacing the "Surely you wouldn't want…" bit with an active defense against culpability for the crimes of her customers – something with the idea of "if some clients have poor self-control, I can't be held responsible!" – but good overall.

Effect 2: It's a bit literal, and perhaps adjective heavy. One could certainly play with the terminology used for certain types of indecent exposure… "there are numerous full moons each night in @@NAME@@" for example.

Option 3: For the quotes-within-a-quote at the beginning, single quote marks (') are desirable. Also, 'herbal medicine' can probably be a single one (just to reduce the number of marks that might confuse some people about where the speaker stops and the dialogue tag begins). Replace "much" with "most" (capsules are countable). Throwing Libbie Doe in jail is exactly the same as the first option, so probably should be something different – ban her from marketing pharmaceuticals for life, perhaps?

Effect 3: This effect is way too much just summarizing the text above. I'd go more towards either commenting on how packaging for products now is just lists of peer-reviewed studies supporting their efficacy, or how most popular products include the word SCAM prominently on their labels.

Option 4: I love this. My only comment is that indecent exposure doesn't need quote marks.

Effect 4: We need some humor here, and from a slightly different/more intense angle than Effect 2. Perhaps a riff on the dramatic drop in productivity that would occur pretty much everywhere if the entire adult population was perpetually horny and distracted?

Option 5: This is not a policy decision. I would drop the fifth option and stick with the main four, which cover a pretty good spectrum of choices.

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The Sherpa Empire
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Postby The Sherpa Empire » Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:03 pm

I just got the pun in the name Libby Doe, and I am embarrassed at how long it took for me to get it. :lol:
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Thu Jan 17, 2019 1:53 pm

Wow' this is pretty good. Let's take a look:
1. Description 1- So Viagara?
2. Vapidity- "Adults Only". This prevents it from going to school nations
3. Option 3:
A- "I don't believe in..." well it's obviously working, which means that we either have the placebo effect, or you're wrong
B- Why are you putfing her in jail?
4. How does option 2 differ from option 4?
5. Option 5- What if @@LEADER@@'s married? Is @@HE@@ having an affair?
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