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[SUBMITTED] - Nun on the Run

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Sacara
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[SUBMITTED] - Nun on the Run

Postby Sacara » Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:12 pm

[Name] Nun on the Run
[Desc] Mother Deloris, a well-known and popular Abbess of a Saint Katherine's convent in @@ANIMAL@@ City, recently announced her intentions to run for a vacant parliament seat.
[Validity] leans towards non-religious, allows religion, democratic

[option] "There must be a separation of church and state," declares one of your militantly atheist brothers. "She obviously will use her religious position to gain votes and attempt to interfere with our government, and to top it off, she's running as a member of the Opposition Party! If you wish to keep credibility within our halls of parliament, you cannot allow anyone in a position like this to gain office!"
[effect] a holy vow of silence is mandatory for ministers seeking to make political commentary

[option] "Now you've got to be kidding me! All I want to do is make @@NAME@@ a better place," complains the Abbess in question, tapping her foot and ready to get going. "What makes me any different from anyone else? I believe I ought deserve the same rights as all other citizens. If you claim to be democratic, it wouldn't matter what my religious belief or position is, you would allow me to run no matter what!"
[effect] weekly religious services often resemble campaign rallies

[option] "Perhaps we need to get our nation back onto the right track by mandating that all of our elected leaders are believers," ponders your chief of staff. "The of root all things bad come from the lack of faith in a creator, and it only makes sense that those who govern us believe in one. @@LEADER@@, you must ensure those running for political office believe in a creator."
[effect] polls show one-hundred percent of those in parliament have an imaginary friend
Last edited by Sacara on Fri Jan 25, 2019 9:39 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jan 11, 2019 5:02 am

Option 3- Why is he a lunatic? Also, since you're using the exclusively Christian word "pastor" maybe make him a @@RANDOMMALENAME@@...
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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jan 11, 2019 8:48 am

[Name] Pastor on the Run


Make it the Abbess of a convent, and you can go with "Nun on the Run".

[Desc] @@RANDOMNAME(1)@@, a well-known and popular pastor from @@ANIMAL@@ City, recently announced @@HIS(1)@@ intentions to run for the vacant parliament seat covering the city.


Just "intentions to run for parliament", then end the sentence, I think.

However, some non-religious members are wondering whether religious leaders should be allowed to hold office in @@NAME@@.


Redundancy. This sentence could disappear with no loss of information.

[option] "Are we really even considering letting this person run for a seat in our national legislature?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, your skeptical Chief of Staff. "@@HE(1)@@ obviously will use his religious position to gain votes and attempt to interfere with a government, and to top it off, @@HE(1)@@’s running as a member of the Opposition Party. For the sake of keeping the separation of church and state, you cannot allow anyone in a position like this to gain office!"


I suggest drop the opening, and instead lead with the strongest point, which is

"There must be a separation of church and state," states...

[effect] depressed looking pastors gaze longingly at the latest election results


Too direct an outcome. Would be fine if that was a mental image that implied some other funny reason, or sounded naughty, but as it is it's just a description of how things unfolded, not a punchline.

I'd suggest:

[effect] a holy vow of silence is mandatory for ministers seeking to make political commentary

[option] "I have the same goal as any other @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ running for office: to make this country a better place," retorts the pastor in question, who is dressed in @@HIS(1)@@ full clerical outfit.


If the clothing doesn't add any humour or new characterisation, then don't describe it.

"I’m no different than anyone else, except that I happen to be a popular minister with a lot of support already. Don’t I deserve the same rights as every other citizen? I implore you to let me run, for the keeping @@NAME@@ democratic."


That's a lot of words with not much said. I'd suggest getting in the key arguments in there - democracy gives elected officials mandate no matter their religion, and no-one's religious beliefs should keep them from holding office.

[effect] weekly religious services often resemble campaign rallies


That's a good line.

[option] "This whole question makes me wonder why we allow lunatics to run in the first place," ponders @@RANDOMNAME@@, a prominent atheist and author of Your God Doesn’t Exist and I Can Prove It.


Book title needs to be wittier, otherwise, don't bother reporting it.

"We don’t need loons like this anywhere near the esteemed halls of our legislature, and allowing them to do so just destroys any credibility our legislature may have. You must prohibit anyone with such beliefs from running for office at all."


Eh, that's not adding much to option 1, except being more extreme. I think more natural third option would be require all politicians to be ranking members of @@FAITH@@.

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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Fri Jan 11, 2019 2:01 pm

Renamed the draft, shortened the description, made changes to option one and added CWA's effect line, made changes to option two, and completely changed the premise of option three and a new effect line to go along with it.

Thanks, CWA for the suggestions -- let me know what you think now.
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jan 11, 2019 10:55 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
[Name] Pastor on the Run


Make it the Abbess of a convent, and you can go with "Nun on the Run".


Nope. The very idea of monasticism is to cut yourself off from society
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The Free Joy State
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Postby The Free Joy State » Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:07 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
Make it the Abbess of a convent, and you can go with "Nun on the Run".


Nope. The very idea of monasticism is to cut yourself off from society

Nuns who run religious schools, work in hospitals might disagree with that assertion.

According to this, 90% of the world's nuns are not cloistered.

Also, not every nun is Catholic. Buddhist nuns, IIRC, don't have to live monastically. Or, that's what this suggests.
Last edited by The Free Joy State on Fri Jan 11, 2019 11:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Jutsa » Sat Jan 12, 2019 3:16 pm

Hey, Sacara! Love the issue. :lol:

Just wanted to point a few things out:
Option 2 wrote:I’m no different than anyone else

different from?

Option 3 wrote:elected leaders are believers," ponders.
Who ponders? I'm guessing this wasn't finished;
don't worry, one of my own recent drafts had this same problem. :P
(discarded it before I could even fix it. rip)

The root all things bad come from the lack of faith

I think you mean "The root All things bad come from" or "The root of all things bad comes from". :P

Just little grammar nitpicks. Rest of the issue looks pretty nice. :3
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Sun Jan 13, 2019 10:15 pm

Thanks Jutsa, updated the draft.

Still taking feedback.
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Postby The Marsupial Illuminati » Sun Jan 13, 2019 10:32 pm

I would like to see an option here mandating that a certain number of seats in the legislature be reserved for members of the clergy, in similar manner to the United Kingdom.

And perhaps an option (a new one or a doppelganger for one of the current ones) for nations that are theocracies.
Last edited by The Marsupial Illuminati on Sun Jan 13, 2019 10:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Far Tholk » Sun Jan 13, 2019 11:54 pm

The Marsupial Illuminati wrote:I would like to see an option here mandating that a certain number of seats in the legislature be reserved for members of the clergy, in similar manner to the United Kingdom.
This is a good idea!

The Marsupial Illuminati wrote:And perhaps an option (a new one or a doppelganger for one of the current ones) for nations that are theocracies.
I feel like the central question of this issue doesn't apply well to theocracies, because in most such cases either all legislators would be clergy, or there would be no legislature.

Perhaps there should be a validity criterion based on gender? Since it's a (female) nun running, it wouldn't make sense if women can't hold office. I don't know if that's a possible policy or something that can be checked, but I'm pretty sure female suffrage is something that is and can be, so maybe that should be used.

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Jutsa
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Postby Jutsa » Mon Jan 14, 2019 7:45 am

Eh, interesting points, guys, but option 3 is already something of a more extraordinary version of that:
mandating that all of our elected leaders are believers

Thing is, we've also got an option in the game already that installs quotas for minority religions: 775.4. :P

That's of course not to say such an option couldn't exist, or replace present option 3, but I don't really know how they'd coexist peacefully.
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Postby Hediacrana » Mon Jan 14, 2019 2:46 pm

Fun idea, Sacara! Is there a possibility to include a reference to Sister Act, or to the Mother Abbess in the Sound of Music (the song 'Climb every mountain' comes to mind)? I also think it might be nice to give her a little more character, maybe by making her sound more stereotypically grandmotherly and devout?

Also, maybe make her name Mother @@randomfemalename@@, rather than simply @@randomfemalename@@.
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Mon Jan 14, 2019 10:02 pm

Thanks Hediacrana and Far Tholk.

I made some adjustments.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Jan 15, 2019 5:31 am

Oooooh Sister Act!

Maybe make the Abbess an expy of the main character. Call her Abbess Deloris of Saint Katherine's Convent, and then give her Whoopi Goldbergs mannerisms and speech patterns?

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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Tue Jan 15, 2019 9:39 pm

I suppose I better confess I've never seen the Sister Act, though I do enjoy Whoopie Goldberg. I'll make some references to the movie based on CWA's suggestions, though.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:39 am

Off at a tangent, but I should point out that while the film is great, the musical is even better.

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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Fri Jan 18, 2019 11:30 pm

Updated option two a little.

I think this is getting close -- any more feedback?
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:40 pm

I like it.

Some may find it lacking meat, but I think it's more concise than thin. If you wanted to though, there's plenty of room to add more humour.

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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Sun Jan 20, 2019 3:46 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I like it.

Some may find it lacking meat, but I think it's more concise than thin. If you wanted to though, there's plenty of room to add more humour.
Emphasis added. :)

I dunno -- I don't want to screw anything up, but I'll see if I can sneak another joke in there somewhere.
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Postby Hediacrana » Sun Jan 20, 2019 3:58 pm

I've been trying to come up with alternatives for the line "I’m no different from anyone else, except that I happen to be a popular religious leader with a lot of support." I find it hard to put my finger on what seems off with it. To me, it sounds a bit abstract and descriptive, not really like what a character like that might say. But I haven't succeeded in finding an alternative. I'll get back to you if I do.
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Sun Jan 20, 2019 5:46 pm

Hediacrana wrote:I've been trying to come up with alternatives for the line "I’m no different from anyone else, except that I happen to be a popular religious leader with a lot of support." I find it hard to put my finger on what seems off with it. To me, it sounds a bit abstract and descriptive, not really like what a character like that might say. But I haven't succeeded in finding an alternative. I'll get back to you if I do.
Looking back on it, I agree. I've gone ahead and edited option two accordingly.

Any other feedback?
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Postby United States of Natan » Sun Jan 20, 2019 5:51 pm

:rofl: The title of this is perfect!
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Mon Jan 21, 2019 10:33 pm

Last call. WIll leave up for a few days.
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Fri Jan 25, 2019 9:40 am

Aaand submitted. Thanks to all those who helped.
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