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[DRAFT] An Eye for Ophthalmology - my first issue

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[DRAFT] An Eye for Ophthalmology - my first issue

Postby My Nation » Wed Jan 02, 2019 8:02 pm

Would someone (preferably an experienced issue author or editor) mind looking over this issue please? I wouldn’t mind a little constructive feedback on it. I’m looking to get it published, but I’ve heard that the storyline has too many gaps. Thanks!

Title: An Eye for Ophthalmology

Description: Following a sudden and drastic increase in the number of @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ diagnosed with vision problems, the government is wondering if it should be putting funding towards a specific eye care solution.
Option 1: “That’s easy. Everyone should wear glasses!” shouts an overly-enthusiastic and rather nerdy-looking @@RANDOMNAME@@. “They’re the traditional way to correct eyesight, they’re simple and easy to care for, and children and adults alike can wear them. With a little help from the government, we can promote to everyone the benefits of wearing glasses! What do you think?”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is at an all-time high in schools
Option 2: “No, no, no! That’s no good!” whines @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ hands you a free contact lens trial kit. “Glasses are ugly. They just look bad! What @@NAME@@ really needs are more contact lenses! They’re small, clean, and almost invisible. If people wear contact lenses, no one else will ever even know about their eye problems! A little government funding towards this business would be great! Think… no more glasses. Ever. Again.”
Outcome: janitors have been finding plenty of lost contact lenses in swimming pools all over the nation
Option 3: “Glasses? No. They break whenever a tennis ball gets me in the face. And contact lenses? Nope. They are such a hassle when swimming…” complains famous athlete @@RANDOMNAME@@, batting @@HIS@@ unusually long eyelashes at you. “Instead, the government should fund laser eye surgery. Sure, it’s kinda expensive, and poorer people might not be able to afford it, but a little funding will change that, right? I got my laser eye surgery a year ago, and haven’t had any problems since! Everyone in @@NAME@@ will love it… right?”
Outcome: citizens are now paying a slightly lower price to have lasers shot into their eyes
Option 4: “Why fund vision solutions when you can just eliminate whatever’s causing the problems in the first place?” wonders avid bookworm @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ sticks a bookmark into @@HIS@@ latest read. “People are spending WAY too much time sitting in front of those screens of theirs. Instead, they should be reading more books! If the government could pass a few laws promoting reading and limiting time spent wasted staring at the TV, that would be great! And here’s a free novel to get you started!”
Outcome: citizens are often found catching up on TV shows by reading them in books instead of watching them on Netflix
Option 4 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs. Not valid for nations with mostly illiterate populations.
Option 5: “Who cares about eyes?” grumbles @@RANDOMNAME@@, barging past the previous three speakers. “Why should the government be wasting money on eye care anyways? Sight isn’t that important, is it? Spare the taxpayers! We can do without it! Promise me the government won’t get involved in this mess!”
Outcome: it’s normal for people not to be able to read size 16 font
Description: This past year, the National @@DEMONYM@@ Ophthalmology Society has noticed a sudden and significant increase in vision problems nationwide. Many are wondering why this is, and some believe the government should be helping to come up with a solution.
Option 1: “Easy. The reason why people can’t see so well anymore is because the traditional ways to correct vision, specifically glasses and contact lenses, aren’t doing enough,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, reading from a stack of cue cards with super-small text. “The government needs to put more funding towards laser eye surgery. I got mine a year ago, and haven’t had any problems since! Sure, it may be a little on the expensive side, and poorer people may not be able to afford it, but with some funding and scientific advancements, we can make it happen!”
Outcome: people are paying a slightly lower price to have lasers shot into their eyes
Option 2: “No, no, no!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@ while fidgeting around with @@HIS@@ glasses. “That’s a horrible idea! Do you know how many times laser eye surgery has gone totally WRONG? We need to ban it from @@NAME@@ forever! It’s a horrible practice that only damages people’s eyes in the long run. I don’t understand why anyone in their right minds would want to endorse THAT!”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is now at an all-time high in schools
Option 3: “Why should you be funding eye care solutions, when you can just eliminate whatever’s causing the problems in the first place?” wonders @@RANDOMNAME@@, sticking a bookmark into @@HIS@@ latest read. “People are spending WAY too much time sitting in front of those useless screens of theirs, just letting their eyes deteriorate! It’s awful! The government should pass a few laws limiting the time @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are allowed to spend watching TV, and promote reading instead! It’s better for your eyes, and makes you smarter too!”
Outcome: citizens are often found catching up on TV shows by reading them in books instead of watching them on Netflix
Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs. Not valid for nations with mostly illiterate populations.
Option 4: “You’re onto something here, but I don’t think it’s actually the screens that are causing the problems,” says your Minister of the Environment, while flipping through a pamphlet about pollution. “We’ve been taking such bad care of the @@DEMONYM@@ environment recently. It’s terribly polluted, and this can be harmful for our eyes. According to my calculations, this pollution has caused a massive increase in eye diseases. But if we, say, discourage the use of gas-guzzling cars and factories, we can not only help out the environment, but also put an end to these eye diseases! Problem solved!”
Outcome: the environment is okay but the people’s eyes are better
Option 4 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned cars.
Description: This past year, the National @@DEMONYM@@ Ophthalmology Society has noticed a sudden and significant increase in vision problems nationwide. Many are wondering why this is, and some believe the government should be helping to come up with a solution.
Option 1: “Easy. The reason why people can’t see so well anymore is because the traditional ways to correct vision, specifically glasses and contact lenses, aren’t doing enough,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, reading from a stack of cue cards with super-small text. “The government needs to put more funding towards laser eye surgery. I got mine a year ago, and haven’t had any problems since! Sure, it may be a little on the expensive side, and poorer people may not be able to afford it, but with some funding and scientific advancements, we can make it happen!”
Outcome: people are paying a slightly lower price to have lasers shot into their eyes
Option 2: “No, no, no!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@ while fidgeting around with @@HIS@@ glasses. “That’s a horrible idea! Do you know how many times laser eye surgery has gone totally WRONG? We need to ban it from @@NAME@@ forever! It’s a horrible practice that only damages people’s eyes in the long run. I don’t understand why anyone in their right minds would want to endorse THAT!”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is now at an all-time high in schools
Option 3: “Why should you be funding eye care solutions, when you can just eliminate whatever’s causing the problems in the first place?” wonders @@RANDOMNAME@@, sticking a bookmark into @@HIS@@ latest read. “People are spending WAY too much time sitting in front of those useless screens of theirs, just letting their eyes deteriorate! It’s awful! The government should pass a few laws limiting the time @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are allowed to spend watching TV, and promote reading instead! It’s better for your eyes, and makes you smarter too!”
Outcome: citizens are often found catching up on TV shows by reading them in books instead of watching them on Netflix
Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs. Not valid for nations with mostly illiterate populations.
Option 4: “You’re onto something here, but I don’t think it’s actually the screens that are causing the problems,” says your Minister of Health, while taking a bite out of the apple that was sitting on your desk. “People these days haven’t been getting good enough nutrition. And improper nutrition leads to higher risk of many eye diseases. @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have been eating way too many unhealthy foods, but not enough of all that good stuff needed for healthy eyes! I’m talking Vitamins A, C, and E, zinc, and omega-3 fatty acids! The government needs to promote all the many benefits of healthy eating, including better eyesight! Maybe have them older folk take supplements, too. More nutrients means no more eye diseases! Problem solved!”
Outcome: citizens take fistfuls of supplements every morning claiming it’s for their eyes
Description: @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, the youngest daughter of @@NAME@@‘s most famous movie star, has recently been blinded by laser eye surgery. She had been having eye problems for several years, and finally decided to get corrective surgery to hopefully make things better at last. But it didn’t go as expected, and @@NAME@@ is in an uproar.
Option 1: “Laser eye surgery should be banned once and for all!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, the said famous movie star. “This is my DAUGHTER we’re talking about! Do you know how many other times laser eye surgery has gone totally WRONG? We need to ban it from @@NAME@@ forever! It’s a horrible practice that only damages people’s eyes in the long run, including those of my own daughter. I don’t understand why anyone in their right minds would want to endorse THAT!”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is now at an all-time high in schools
Option 2: “No! That’s an awful idea! Laser eye surgery almost never actually goes wrong, it just so happened that the one time it did, it happened to the daughter of a celebrity,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, reading from a stack of cue cards with super-small text. “The government should instead put more funding towards laser eye surgery. All it needs are a few raised safety standards, and some better-trained surgeons, and we’re good to go! Sure, it may be a little on the expensive side, and poorer people may not be able to afford it, but with some funding and scientific advancements, we can make it happen!”
Outcome: people are now having lasers shot into their eyes by slightly better-trained surgeons
Option 3: “Why should you be focusing on eye care solutions, when you could’ve just eliminated whatever’s causing the problems in the first place?” wonders avid bookworm @@RANDOMNAME@@, sticking a bookmark into @@HIS@@ latest read. “People are spending WAY too much time sitting in front of those useless screens of theirs, just letting their eyes deteriorate, movie star daughters included! It’s terrible! The government should pass a few laws limiting the time @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are allowed to spend watching TV, and promote reading instead! It’s better for your eyes, and makes you smarter too!”
Outcome: citizens are often found catching up on TV shows by reading them in books instead of watching them on Netflix
Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs.
Option 4: “You’re onto something here, but I don’t think it’s actually the screens that are causing the problems,” says your Minister of Health, while taking a bite out of the apple that was sitting on your desk. “People these days haven’t been getting good enough nutrition. And improper nutrition leads to higher risk of many eye diseases. @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have been eating way too many unhealthy foods, but not enough of all that good stuff needed for healthy eyes! I’m talking Vitamins A, C, and E, zinc, and omega-3 fatty acids! The government needs to promote all the many benefits of healthy eating, including better eyesight! Maybe have them older folk take supplements, too. More nutrients means no more eye diseases! Problem solved!”
Outcome: citizens take fistfuls of supplements every morning claiming it’s for their eyes

Draft 5
Description: @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, the youngest daughter of @@NAME@@’s most famous movie star, has recently been blinded by laser eye surgery. She had been having eye problems for several years, and finally decided to get corrective surgery to hopefully make things better at last. But it didn’t go as expected, and @@NAME@@ is in an uproar.
Option 1: “Laser eye surgery should be banned once and for all!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, the said famous movie star. “This is my DAUGHTER we’re talking about! Do you know how many other times laser eye surgery has gone totally WRONG? We need to ban it from @@NAME@@ forever! It’s a horrible practice that only damages people’s eyes in the long run, including those of my own daughter. I don’t understand why anyone in their right minds would want to endorse THAT!”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is now at an all-time high in schools
Option 2: “No! That’s an awful idea! Laser eye surgery almost never actually goes wrong, it just so happened that the one time it did, it happened to the daughter of a celebrity,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, reading from a stack of cue cards with super-small text. “The government should instead put more funding towards laser eye surgery. All it needs are a few raised safety standards, and some better-trained surgeons, and we’re good to go! Sure, it may be a little on the expensive side, and poorer people may not be able to afford it, but with some funding and scientific advancements, we can make it happen!”
Outcome: anyone with a laser-pointer pen can become an eye surgeon
Option 3: “Why should you be focusing on eye care solutions, when you could’ve just eliminated whatever’s causing the problems in the first place?” wonders avid bookworm @@RANDOMNAME@@, sticking a bookmark into @@HIS@@ latest read. “People are spending WAY too much time sitting in front of those useless screens of theirs, just letting their eyes deteriorate, movie star daughters included! It’s terrible! The government should pass a few laws limiting the time @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are allowed to spend watching TV, and promote reading instead! It’s better for your eyes, and makes you smarter too!”
Outcome: citizens are often found catching up on TV shows by reading them in books instead of watching them on Webflix
Option 4: “You’re onto something here, but I don’t think it’s actually the screens that are causing the problems,” says your Minister of Health, while taking a bite out of the apple from your lunchbox. “@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ these days haven’t been getting good enough nutrition, which can easily lead to a higher risk of many eye diseases. They haven’t been eating healthily enough, nor have they been taking in all that good stuff our eyes need, like Omega-3 fatty acids! The government should promote all the many benefits of healthy eating, including better eyesight! Maybe have them older folk take supplements, too. More nutrients and less unhealthy foods will make eye disease a thing of the past!”
Outcome: citizens take fistfuls of supplements every morning claiming it’s for their eyes

Note: removed Option 3 Validity as of Feb. 4, 2019
Last edited by My Nation on Mon Feb 04, 2019 7:11 pm, edited 11 times in total.
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:45 am

I don't see why glasses vs contact lenses vs laser eye surgery is concern for govt. Sorry
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:20 am

Thanks for bringing this to GI as suggested.

I guess the thing to do here is to get the opening description right first.

Give the problem a narrative context to explain why government action is needed.

Right now you've got:

Following a sudden and drastic increase in the number of @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ diagnosed with vision problems, the government is wondering if it should be putting funding towards a specific eye care solution.


You could, for example, go with:

The National Ophthalmology Society has this year noted a statistically significant increase in incidence of visual acuity problems nationally, with many speculating on different causes.


Then, instead of saying glasses or lenses, you could have a bunch of different folk blaming different things, like screentime, or immigrants with more short-sightedness, or pollutants. You could even have different options being valid for different nations. Then you could end it with someone saying there's not enough evidence for any action yet, and that a wait-and-see approach with a well funded monitoring program is the way to go. Though of course, that option would have to be made to seem unreasonable in some way.

Alternatively you could go with a story about people going blind from laser surgery, or about cheap sunglasses without UV-proofing leading to retinal damage, or about any number of other ophthalmological dilemmas.

I think get the core story into focus, and the rest will follow.
Last edited by Candlewhisper Archive on Fri Jan 04, 2019 3:20 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby My Nation » Fri Jan 04, 2019 1:25 pm

Hmmm, now you’ve got me thinking. I could still include the glasses/lenses vs. laser surgery, but change up the storyline around it. I like your idea of people arguing about what is causing the eye problems, and embedding into that possible solutions. I was thinking something along these lines:

Option 1: there isn’t enough funding for eye care. Support developments towards traditional solutions (glasses & lenses).
Option 2: traditional treatment isn’t doing enough. Government needs to support laser surgery.
Option 3: it’s the use of laser surgery that’s causing the issues. It’s not being done properly and needs to be banned.
Option 4: blame people’s lifestyles. They are spending too much time with electronics.
Option 5: blame bad care of environment. Too much pollution, causing eye diseases; nature needs to be cleaned up.

How’s that? Should I begin revising based on this new storyline?
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:40 pm

Sure, though also have a read of the How To Write An Issue thread, and have a think about overall issue shape. 5 options is likely too many for an issue of this nature, for example.

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Postby My Nation » Fri Jan 04, 2019 2:58 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Sure, though also have a read of the How To Write An Issue thread, and have a think about overall issue shape. 5 options is likely too many for an issue of this nature, for example.

Any suggestions in terms of which options I could remove or potentially combine? Maybe I could eliminate the first one…?
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Postby My Nation » Thu Jan 10, 2019 8:26 pm

Sorry I haven’t been active recently. I’ve been pretty busy with real life… anyways, hopefully I’ll have a new draft for this issue up soon.
Last edited by My Nation on Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby My Nation » Wed Jan 16, 2019 1:49 pm

Can someone please give me some feedback on my 2nd draft????
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Postby The Sherpa Empire » Wed Jan 16, 2019 2:40 pm

The environmental option is very generic and not immediately obvious what it has to do with eye problems.

What about an option about the role of proper nutrition in eye health?
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Postby My Nation » Wed Jan 16, 2019 6:38 pm

The Sherpa Empire wrote:The environmental option is very generic and not immediately obvious what it has to do with eye problems.

What about an option about the role of proper nutrition in eye health?

Thanks! I’ll see what I can do.
Last edited by My Nation on Thu Jan 17, 2019 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jan 18, 2019 4:24 am

Draft 3 comments:

Description: This past year, the National @@DEMONYM@@ Ophthalmology Society has noticed a sudden and significant increase in vision problems nationwide. Many are wondering why this is, and some believe the government should be helping to come up with a solution.


Second line is a redundancy, and adds no information.

Also, the premise remains lacking in any humour or controversy, making for dull reading.

Option 1: “Easy. The reason why people can’t see so well anymore is because the traditional ways to correct vision, specifically glasses and contact lenses, aren’t doing enough,”


Logic fail. You can't ask why people are having more vision problems and then say it's because eye surgery is better than corrective lenses. That's addressing how myopia is treated, not why the incidence is on the rise.

Option 2: “No, no, no!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@ while fidgeting around with @@HIS@@ glasses. “That’s a horrible idea! Do you know how many times laser eye surgery has gone totally WRONG? We need to ban it from @@NAME@@ forever! It’s a horrible practice that only damages people’s eyes in the long run. I don’t understand why anyone in their right minds would want to endorse THAT!”
Outcome: usage of the nickname “four-eyes” is now at an all-time high in schools


Same logic fail. Seems you want to be giving options for a different dilemma to what you presented.

Why not instead have the story about someone notable (like the cute child of a celebrity) being blinded by eye surgery going wrong? They you have a springboard to talk about the issues you're wanting to.

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Postby My Nation » Fri Jan 18, 2019 8:19 am

Logic fail. You can't ask why people are having more vision problems and then say it's because eye surgery is better than corrective lenses. That's addressing how myopia is treated, not why the incidence is on the rise.

Oh, oops! Got it.

Why not instead have the story about someone notable (like the cute child of a celebrity) being blinded by eye surgery going wrong? They you have a springboard to talk about the issues you're wanting to.

Ok, so I’ll start with revamping the description, and see where I can go from there.
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Postby My Nation » Tue Jan 22, 2019 5:24 pm

Got the newest draft up a little while ago, if anybody would like to post some feedback!
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Postby Far Tholk » Thu Jan 24, 2019 1:59 am

My Nation wrote:@@NAME@@‘s most famous movie star
Do they need to be the most famous?

My Nation wrote:Outcome: people are paying a slightly lower price to have lasers shot into their eyes
This doesn't seem to follow from the option it's attached to. Why would raised safety standards and better-trained surgeons lower cost? The option increases government funding for laser eye surgery, OK, but it also says "it may be a little on the expensive side," which again contrasts with the outcome.

My Nation wrote:Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs. Not valid for nations with mostly illiterate populations.
Why the second requirement? This seems like an opportunity to increase literacy/Industry: Book Publishing.

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Postby My Nation » Thu Jan 24, 2019 2:18 pm

My Nation wrote:@@NAME@@‘s most famous movie star
Do they need to be the most famous?

No. But is there a reason why it shouldn’t be? Should I change it?

My Nation wrote:Outcome: people are paying a slightly lower price to have lasers shot into their eyes
This doesn't seem to follow from the option it's attached to. Why would raised safety standards and better-trained surgeons lower cost? The option increases government funding for laser eye surgery, OK, but it also says "it may be a little on the expensive side," which again contrasts with the outcome.

True. I was thinking better standards and lowered costs, but you’re right, those two things do conflict. I’ll change that.

My Nation wrote:Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs. Not valid for nations with mostly illiterate populations.
Why the second requirement? This seems like an opportunity to increase literacy/Industry: Book Publishing.

Another good point. I was thinking along the lines of, nations which can’t read wouldn’t be interested in an option about books, but you’re right, this option might actually end up increasing literacy. I’ll change this validity, too.
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Postby Baggieland » Fri Jan 25, 2019 2:54 am

My Nation wrote:Outcome: people are now having lasers shot into their eyes by slightly better-trained surgeons


How about: anyone with a laser-pointer can become a surgeon

Option 4 is way too long. I had to force myself to get to the end of it. It needs quite a hefty trim.
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Postby Far Tholk » Fri Jan 25, 2019 3:07 am

My Nation wrote:
Do they need to be the most famous?

No. But is there a reason why it shouldn’t be? Should I change it?
I guess not really, it just makes it even more unlikely. It's not a big deal, no real need to change it.

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Postby My Nation » Fri Jan 25, 2019 1:24 pm

Baggieland wrote:
My Nation wrote:Outcome: people are now having lasers shot into their eyes by slightly better-trained surgeons

How about: anyone with a laser-pointer can become a surgeon

Option 4 is way too long. I had to force myself to get to the end of it. It needs quite a hefty trim.

Haha, good one for the outcome! I like it, and will use that.

I’ll take a look at Option 4 and see what I can remove. Thanks for the advice!
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Postby Far Tholk » Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:40 am

The Netflix equivalent in NationStates is called Webflix, FYI :)

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Postby My Nation » Sat Jan 26, 2019 3:10 pm

Far Tholk wrote:The Netflix equivalent in NationStates is called Webflix, FYI :)

Oh, ok, thanks! I was wondering about that.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jan 28, 2019 3:51 am

Far Tholk wrote:The Netflix equivalent in NationStates is called Webflix, FYI :)


Huh. I didn't know that.

And looks like it was one of my edits where we introduced Webflix too. :) Was the author who created that name though, not me.
Last edited by Candlewhisper Archive on Mon Jan 28, 2019 3:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby My Nation » Wed Jan 30, 2019 7:44 pm

Thanks for all the suggestions everyone! Anyone got any more? :?:
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Animal: American Shorthair cat

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My Nation
Lobbyist
 
Posts: 16
Founded: Jun 09, 2018
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby My Nation » Sun Feb 03, 2019 2:37 pm

Any more suggestions? Anybody??
My Nation
Region: The Free Nations Region
Motto: “Peace and Justice”
Capital: My City
Leader: Leader
Faith: Christianity
Currency: Dollar
Animal: American Shorthair cat

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Baggieland
Issues Editor
 
Posts: 1622
Founded: May 27, 2013
Father Knows Best State

Postby Baggieland » Sun Feb 03, 2019 9:20 pm

My Nation wrote:Option 3 Validity: Not valid for nations which have banned TVs.
Option 4: “You’re onto something here, but I don’t think it’s actually the screens that are causing the problems,”


If I have banned TVs in my nation, then I won't receive option 3, but I will receive option 4. So how does the opening line of option 4 make any sense if I didn't get option 3?
Keep the faith, keep on boinging!

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Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4252
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
New York Times Democracy

Postby Jutsa » Mon Feb 04, 2019 9:55 am

Uh... is banning tv even tracked? :blink:

I don't seem to recall, and as such I don't think the text's* a problem,
but you're the editor, so... could you confirm this? :blush:
Last edited by Jutsa on Mon Feb 04, 2019 9:56 am, edited 1 time in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

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