SECOND:
TITLE:
Family Matters
VALIDITY:
Courts have been abolished
DESCRIPTION:
The police are reporting to you that several organised crime families have taken to setting up "neighbourhood tribunals" which offer mediation, judgement and punishment to their local communities in the absence of official courts. Surprisingly, many citizens seem to be in favour of these lawbreakers-turned-lawmakers, willingly bringing their grievances to them for arbitration.
OPTION ONE
Without pausing for breath once, interior designer @@randomname@@ gabbles @@HIS@@ reasons for turning to the illegal courts: "Basically, I lent my neighbour my lawnmower two years ago and he never returned it, and when I said I wanted it back, he said that he'd owned it for longer than me so it was his, and he'd been mowing my lawn anyway, so I owed him, and I said that was rubbish, so he said 'so sue me' and I said 'you know I can't because there's no courts', and he said that it sucks to be me, and I said that well maybe there is a court, and then I said 'capiche?' which means 'you know what I mean' but I was implying that I meant the Mafia with my lingo, if you know what I mean, and he said 'sure, let's do this,' so we did, and now he's sleeping with the fishes, and that's not actually what I wanted, but what choice did I have, and maybe if you reinstated some proper courts we could have resolved this in a proper court, so why haven't you done that already, so..." @@HE@@ faints suddenly, from oxygen deprivation.
OUTCOME:
the aphorism "there's no need to argue" has been dismissed by @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@
OPTION TWO
"We're doing you a favour by dealing with people like that," says crime boss 'Actually Quite Thin' Tony. "Look, you got rid of the courts to get rid of bureaucracy and cut costs. That's something I'd appreciate as a taxpayer, if I paid taxes. Why don't you make our neighbourhood tribunal system official, and you'll get back a court system, but we'll be entirely self-funding. That's a win-win for everyone, wouldn't you say?"
OUTCOME:
the most commonly-worn shoes are concrete ones
OPTION THREE
"Perps cannot be allowed to take law into their own hands," says police officer Joe De Redd, knocking the crime boss down with his police baton. "The system works. We the police, act as judge and jury. We arrest, then we pass sentence, we administer punishments. Crime bosses, citizens seeking illegal arbitration, underground street lawyers - they all need to respect the law. I am the Law."
OUTCOME:
beat cops are named for the beatings they deliver
FIRST:
