[DRAFT] - Rise of the Sand Mafia

[Candensia]

I don't think this topic is covered, feedback is very much appreciated.

"wabba-jabba"

First Draft

[DRAFT] - Rise of the Sand Mafia

[The Issue] - High-quality sand, a critical component in electronics and many building materials, is plentiful in the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ wildlands, a vast and virtually uninhabited, verdant region. This abundance, however, has attracted many unsavory groups, dubbed "sand mafias" by law enforcement, who carry out illegal sand mining operations in the area, usually by dredging riversides and lakebeds. Now, some officials say it's time for a massive crackdown on illegal dredging.

[issuevalidity] - high environmental beauty


[Option 1] - "We must handle this problem before it becomes deadly," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, Supreme Director of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Environmental Conservation Authority. "To the environment, that is. In any case, @@NAME@@ cannot allow such a flagrant disregard for the law! We should mobilize law enforcement elements to subdue these sediment syndicates now, and then establish an elite, environmental law enforcement unit to deal with them going forward. We could call them the, uh, Green Berets!"

[effect] - the government has declared a war on sand


[Option 2] - "Illegal dredging is, by definition, illegal," states Chair@@MAN@@ @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Counterproductivity Commission. "But that doesn't mean dredging itself is inherently bad. On the contrary, a whole bunch of good can be done by actually opening up the Wildlands to dredging. The additional tax revenue is definitely worth it, and all the environmental wabba-jabba should balance out in the end too; just send some of those extra @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ towards building a park or two where people actually live."

[effect] - public parks are built in the blood of countless aquatic organisms


[Option 3] - "The scarcity of high-quality sand is the source of the problem, and it is with sand that the solution lies," asserts Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a @@CAPITAL@@ University researcher. "If @@NAME@@ were able to utilize lower-quality desert sand, which is unsuitable for use in construction materials, a large motivation for illegal dredging would be eliminated. I am willing to put in the grit required to solve this sand situation, but it would require a sizable grant to pay for specialized research facilities."

[effect] - the government pays scientists to play in sandboxes

Current Draft

[DRAFT] - Rise of the Sand Mafia

[The Issue] - High-quality sand, a critical component in electronics and many building materials, is plentiful in the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ wildlands, a vast and virtually uninhabited, verdant region. This abundance, however, has attracted various organized groups dubbed "sand mafias" by law enforcement, who carry out illegal sand mining operations in the area, usually by dredging riversides and lakebeds.

[issuevalidity] - high environmental beauty


[Option 1] - "Looks like we have some weeds that need pulling," jabs @@RANDOMNAME@@, supreme-director of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Environmental Conservation Authority. "These grime gangs have been stealing precious @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ resources for far too long, so let's get out there and do some yard work. Mobilize law enforcement elements to subdue sediment syndicates now, and then establish an elite, environmental law enforcement unit to deal with them going forward. We could call them the, uh, Green Berets!"

[effect] - the government has declared a war on sand


[Option 2] - "These are hardworking people, not weeds, and we can't just go round up all of them," asserts Chair@@MAN@@ @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Counterproductivity Commission. "Unless we’re comfortable letting taxpayers inherit their incarceration costs, that is. That being said, what’s the harm in opening up small sections of the wildlands to legal dredging? As long as it is thoroughly regulated, all the environmental wabba-jabba should balance out in the end; just send some of the extra @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ we’ll make towards building a park or two where people actually live."

[effect] - public parks are built in the blood of countless aquatic organisms


[Option 3] - “@@LEADER@@, isn't it about time the wildlands were tamed?” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, the unofficial public face of the sand mafia. "We just want to sell- I mean see a bright future for @@NAME@@. Send a government contract our way, and we’ll not only continue to dredge the wildlands, we’ll also clear and log the region in preparation for future construction. Sounds like a win-win to me, and besides "sand mafia” is a bit much, we very much prefer soil society or excavation organization.”

[effect] - the mob is state-sponsored

[Australian rePublic]

So not the desert? I assumed desert. Maybe you specify that

[Jutsa]

Could be a really huge amount of beach...

[Palos Heights]

I feel like this issue topic has been done before, albeit in a different manner with different resources, but I think it's an interesting approach to the industry vs environment debate in that you're tackling this from a "wasteland-being-affected" perspective. I think, before someone comes in and says something about that, your approach should be different enough to justify the issue.

I think your options seem bone dry at the moment though. I'm not sure how appropriate the options/solutions seem, but right now the issue just seems unremarkable. It's not really humorous, and I think you're missing tons of references that could really make this issue interesting and funny. I mean you have a desert mafia and you don't have a single Jabba the Hutt reference in there (wabba-jabba doesn't count). I'd rework it a bit and approach the issue and its solutions more realistically with what would happen if someone started disrupting the wildlands ecosystem. Also Dune. You should have a Dune reference.

So not the desert? I assumed desert. Maybe you specify that

Could be a really huge amount of beach...

You can find sand outside of deserts and beaches. Wildlands, badlands, drylands, etc...

[Candensia]

It’s important not to misunderstand. I’ll try to clarify some things.

Desert-type sand is useless as a building material.

Sand suitable for use in construction is only really found on beaches, or in lakes and rivers, and is usually extracted via dredging. The wildlands is not a desert wasteland, but a verdant paradise. I have changed the description of the wildands to better imply this, and the validity stipulation is the basis for assuming such a region exists.

As far as execution is concerned, is it really that flat?

[Sacara]

As far as execution is concerned, is it really that flat?

I didn't think so, no.

I'm going to have to disagree with Palos Heights here -- I didn't think this was flat. It's what I've come to expect out of you -- good writing. You don't have any particularly long options, though, so I suppose you could add more humor if you would like. That's subjective, though. I think it is fine how it is on that front.

My only concern is that you could add more flare to the description. That's the only 'boring' part of the issue. Like I said in your other draft, I'm totally clueless when it comes to this stuff and I can't really critique your options on their merits.

EDIT: You could lose the comma in option three after "lower quality".

[Candensia]

EDIT: You could lose the comma in option three after "lower quality".

Thanks. That comma was supposed to come off. I had added a bit to option three in an attempt to add more totality to the situation.

[Chan Island]

sediment syndicates

Win.

A pity you didn't say "sandycates".

But otherwise I agree with Palps Heights. This is missing out on a potential pristine beach of references. Forget Jabba, what about Anakin and his well known hatred of sand? Or Dune, because he who controls the sand controls the universe. Or Mad Max, blazing through the sands with bulldozers and rock music?

[Ransium]

Have you already listened to this NPR planet money podcast?

https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2018 ... -peak-sand

[Candensia]

Have you already listened to this NPR planet money podcast?

https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2018 ... -peak-sand

Although I am an avid NPR listener, I did not listen to that particular podcast. The intro text almost perfectly relates to the situation, however.

Sand mafias are a real thing.

[Candensia]

sediment syndicates

Win.

A pity you didn't say "sandycates".

Snip

Did my green berets joke pancake?

[Palos Heights]

It’s important not to misunderstand. I’ll try to clarify some things.

Desert-type sand is useless as a building material.

Sand suitable for use in construction is only really found on beaches, or in lakes and rivers, and is usually extracted via dredging. The wildlands is not a desert wasteland, but a verdant paradise. I have changed the description of the wildands to better imply this, and the validity stipulation is the basis for assuming such a region exists.

As far as execution is concerned, is it really that flat?

Let me preface this by saying, it's flat, but only because I know you're capable of higher peaks. Your execution and writing is fantastic, but it's just lacking something. I think your rework of the description helps a great deal with the beginning, because you're giving some verbal buoyancy to the way the issue flows and helps paint the picture of what's going on.

As for the issue itself, I feel like your options are kind of all over the place in regards to how you would handle the situation. You should have someone pro-dredging, someone anti-dredging, someone from the sand mafia trying to grease the wheels, someone trying to eradicate the sand mafia (insert Anakin reference here), a native option where local group gets screwed over by industry (insert Dune reference, "Pauline Moodeeb, Leader of the Freewomen tribe approaches @@LEADER@@ with the offer to guide you to the best dunes to harvest the sand"), and then a luddite option saying why even do this in the first place.

Right now, you've got the pro-dredging and anti-dredging arguments present and a third-option option as well, but there's so much more potential here if you just dig into it more. You're a fantastic writer, I know you can really bring out the good stuff in this issue.

[Trotterdam]

But otherwise I agree with Palps Heights. This is missing out on a potential pristine beach of references. Forget Jabba, what about Anakin and his well known hatred of sand? Or Dune, because he who controls the sand controls the universe. Or Mad Max, blazing through the sands with bulldozers and rock music?

All of those are desert sand, not beach sand.

[Chan Island]

But otherwise I agree with Palps Heights. This is missing out on a potential pristine beach of references. Forget Jabba, what about Anakin and his well known hatred of sand? Or Dune, because he who controls the sand controls the universe. Or Mad Max, blazing through the sands with bulldozers and rock music?

All of those are desert sand, not beach sand.

Yes, but that's fine for a cheeky little reference.

Win.

A pity you didn't say "sandycates".

Snip

Did my green berets joke pancake?

Green berets was a very nifty one too.

[Candensia]

Heyo! Draft 2 is up, there have been some major changes.

Options 1 and 2 have been heavily rewritten.

Option 4 has been added.

The description has been edited slightly.

Please continue to provide feedback, it is very much appreciated.

EDIT: Also, I feel as if option 3 is now dragging the narrative down. Probably gonna nix it.

[Candensia]

I’ve gone ahead and removed the original option 3, as I feel it was detracting from the flow of the story.

[Palos Heights]

Better, but still very dry. You need some humor in there.