[ACCEPTED] (CO With Yotongrek) A Really Sour Lemon
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 8:10 pm
by Jutsa
2½ months ago, Yotongrek made this draft here. Upon asking them if they'd like me to join in a co-authorship, they agreed, and I've tweaked it a bit to read as the following!
If Yotongrek ever feels like backing out and going back to their original piece, I am obliged to let them and discard co-authorship. Similarly, if Yotongrek has any suggestions or edits they wish to make, then they shall be done!
Hope you enjoy; I very much enjoyed the premise. Note: I also recall they wanted to characters to have more... character. Any suggestions? (also, if you've got better title suggestions... )
Draft 2.21
Title: A Really Sour Lemon The Issue: While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand, displaying a prominent sign reading "Closed for not meeting standard economic safety and health regulations". Validity: (Co-Authors Jutsa and Yotongrek) Must have communism OR Followup to #705.1/#705.3
Option 1: A plucky, small child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar. "Do you want some lemonade? I'll gladly give you a cup for free!" @@HE@@ looks at @@HIS@@ stand. "The big scary man who shut down my stand said I can't sell any, but... my money goes to my family! Can me and my friends please sell things to adults? We don't know how to follow reg...reglutions?" [effect] ambitious "businessmen" use their children to sell and advertize their products
Validity: Capitalism Option 2a: "Ahah! I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy on public health and safety," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ business tax code. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must meet with public safety codes. The stand itself could collapse at any moment, and I'm convinced the drink smells like it's already been drunk once before. Lemon-Ade certainly had to comply — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] children grow up before the paperwork for their lemonade stands can be sorted out
Validity: Socialism Option 2b: "Ahah! I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy against the dreaded enemy capitalism," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ angrily cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ industrial assignment plans. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must be stamped out. The stand itself could promote capitalist revolutionaries, and besides, I'm convinced the drink smells like it's already been drunk once before. Lemon-Ade certainly had to shut down in place of Lemon-Comrade — why shouldn't this? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] children grow up before the paperwork for their lemonade stands can be sorted out
Option 3: "Heh, don't be such a sourpus; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As long as people aren't making a buttload of money off of somethin', people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated! And maybe ease off of some of the other hundred-something regulations you have while you're at it." @@HE@@ chokes and accidentally dismantles the lemonade stand upon drinking the sour fluid. [effect] low-level bartering of poor-quality goods has managed to undercut the otherwise organized economy [Flag Change] Removes Socialism (if socialist)
Title: A Really Sour Lemon The Issue: While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand, displaying a prominent sign reading "Closed for not meeting standard economic safety and health regulations". Validity: (Co-Authors Jutsa and Yotongrek) Must have communism OR Followup to #705.1/#705.3
Option 1: A plucky, small child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar. "Do you want some lemonade? I'll gladly give you a cup for free!" @@HE@@ looks at @@HIS@@ stand. "The big scary man who shut down my stand said I can't sell any, but... my money goes to my family! Can me and my friends please sell things to adults?" [effect] ambitious "businessmen" use their children to sell and advertize their products
Validity: Capitalism Option 2a: "I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy on public health and safety," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ business tax code. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must meet with public safety codes. The stand itself could collapse at any moment, and I'm convinced the drink smells like it's already been drunk once before. Lemon-Ade certainly had to comply — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Validity: Socialism Option 2b: "I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy against the dreaded enemy capitalism," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ angrily cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ industrial assignment plans. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must be stamped out. The stand itself could promote capitalist revolutionaries, and besides, I'm convinced the drink smells like it's already been drunk once before. Lemon-Ade certainly had to shut down in place of Lemon-Comrade — why shouldn't this? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Option 3: "Heh, don't be such a sourpus; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As far as I'm concerned, as long as people aren't making a buttload of money off of somethin', people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated!" @@HE@@ chokes and accidentally dismantles the lemonade stand upon drinking the sour fluid. [effect] low-level bartering of poor-quality goods has managed to undercut the otherwise organized economy [Flag Change] Removes Socialism (if socialist)
Title: A Really Sour Lemon The Issue: While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand, displaying a prominent sign reading "Closed for not meeting standard economic safety and health regulations". Validity: (Co-Authors Jutsa and Yotongrek) Must have communism OR Followup to #705.1/#705.3
Option 1: A plucky, small child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar. "Do you want some lemonade? I'll gladly give you a cup for free!" @@HE@@ looks at @@HIS@@ stand. "The big scary man who shut down my stand said I can't sell any, but... my money goes to my family! Can me and my friends please sell things to adults?" [effect] ambitious "businessmen" use their children to sell and advertize their products
Validity: Capitalism Option 2a: "I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy on public health and safety," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ business tax code. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must meet with public safety codes. The drink is contaminated with drool, and the stand itself could collapse at any moment. Lemon-Ade certainly had to comply — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Validity: Socialism Option 2b: "I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@. This stand has failed to comply with our policy against the dreaded enemy capitalism," a sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ angrily cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ industrial assignment plans. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must be stamped out. The stand itself could promote capitalist revolutionaries, and besides, I'm pretty sure the drink's contaminated with drool. Lemon-Ade certainly had to shut down in place of Lemon-Comrade — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Option 3: "Heh, don't be such a sourpus; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As far as I'm concerned, as long as people aren't making a buttload of money off of somethin', people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated!" @@HE@@ chokes and accidentally dismantles the lemonade stand upon drinking the sour fluid. [effect] low-level bartering of poor-quality goods has managed to undercut the otherwise organized economy [Flag Change] Removes Socialism (if socialist)
Title: Small Business The Issue: While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand, displaying a prominent sign reading "Closed for not meeting regulations". Validity: (Co-Authors Jutsa and Yotongrek) Must have communism or high economic regulation (economic freedom below 20 or so)
Option 1: A child wearing a hat reading "@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@'s Lemonade" approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar. "Do you want some lemonade? I'll gladly give you a cup for free! I don't understand why the big scary man shut down my stand. Half of the money goes to my family. Can me and my friends please sell things to adults?" Your security guard concernedly inspects the drink. [effect] ambitious "businessmen" use their children to sell and advertize their products
Validity: Capitalism Option 2a: "Are these kids starting companies without government permission!" A sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ angrily cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ business tax code. "I demand proper health and safety check along with standard reports of average income, no matter how young the CEO! Lemon-Ade certainly had to conform — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Validity: Socialism Option 2b: "Are these kids starting companies, rivaling our great government!" A sharply-dressed and perspiring @@RANDOMNAME@@ angrily cries while pulling a copy of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ industrial assignment plans. "Law demands that no matter the age, product, or price, business must be stamped out! Lemon-Ade certainly had to shut down in place of Lemon-Comrade — why shouldn't the kids? If anything, we should be penalizing these smart little punks for even daring to attempt such a thing." [effect] 7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out
Option 3: "Heh, don't be such a sourpus; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As far as I'm concerned, as long as people aren't making a buttload of money off of somethin', people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated!" @@HE@@ chokes and accidentally dismantles the lemonaid stand upon drinking the sour fluid. [effect] mom-and-pop shops are undercutting the planned economy [Flag Change] Removes Socialism (if socialist)
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:00 pm
by Jutsa
Sacara has pointed out that the text is a bit clunky, 'specially with option 1 and partially with option 2, and I misspelled lemonade in option 3.
He also suggested maybe keeping the description the same, but having the options reflect government size instead.
Idk, what do you guys think?
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:02 pm
by Aclion
Is option three intended to be socialism only? The effect doesn't make sense for a capitalist country.
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:29 pm
by Australian rePublic
Option 1, where did he a customised hat? Why would he have merch Option 2, business owner=CEO Also, this issue is quite bland. I was expecting to see consequences of not obeying safety laws, unwashed hands, etc.
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 4:15 am
by Candlewhisper Archive
You should specify what regulations weren't met. The story feels incomplete without that info, and without the complete story there's no way to make a decision that feels informed.
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 6:32 am
by Jutsa
All agreed.
I'll get to hammering out this draft soon. It's good to see that it's at least probably workable.
ed: Also, yeah, 3's effect line I actually thought of when I woke up in the early morning to relieve myself from sleeping.
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 8:43 am
by Jutsa
Draft 2.10 is up!
Changelog: - Option 1 and hopefully 2(a/b) flow better - Description and option 2(a/b) now specify health hazards (and capitalist concerns in 2b) - Option 3's effect line has been, hopefully, desocialized - CEO→business owner - Consequences of safety laws applied, let me know if more is necessary - Removed the hat - Fixed "lemonaid" just before posting this. ed: Also adjusted the validity slightly
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:06 am
by Trotterdam
Take a note of these: #171 1. eight-year-olds with lemonade stands have been known to be locked up on charges of embezzlement #705 1. it is illegal to distribute Girl Guide Cookies without an advanced food hygiene diploma #772 2. ten-year-olds are applying for lemonade stand operator licences I don't think there's too much overlap, but maybe you might want to phrase this as a followup to #705 or #772, rather than just looking at generic "economic freedoms".
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:44 am
by Jutsa
Oh yeah... both look really good, honestly. Very different approaches, although "doesn't have a license" is different from what I've currently got, and I don't think it'd fit the layout I've got now, all while lemonade stands already being mentioned in the effect line.
705, on the other hand... yeah, that's a possibility. Probably both options 1 and 3 could lead to this.
Course, it doesn't really work for the socialist variant, buuut I could have it be "Communist OR followup to 705.1/3". Thoughts on that?
Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2018 9:46 am
by Jutsa
Oh, also, would "Liquid Gold" be a better title..?
Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 6:44 am
by Jutsa
Put 705.1/3 into the criteria in placed of "high economic regulation in capitalist economies".
Bump~
Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 1:27 pm
by Candlewhisper Archive
I'd consider making the yellow drink more wee-like. Calling it "a suspicious straw-coloured fluid that he claims is lemonade but which looks as if it has been drunk once already" would be how I'd phrase it.
Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2018 3:58 pm
by Jutsa
Idk if I wanna actually make it urine... as funny as that'd be.
I could make it a mystery as to whether it's urine... and I'll try to squeeze that in But seriously, straight-up definitely being urine would give option pair 2 too much credibility.
Posted: Sat Oct 27, 2018 8:50 am
by Jutsa
Updated! Unfortunately I updated the old draft so I had to remake it as best I could.
Name's changed...
Option 2(a/b)'s changed...
Posted: Thu Nov 01, 2018 7:28 am
by Jutsa
Huh. Forgot to bump this one.
Actually have a bunch of drafts that've been going... soursorry
Seriously though, I've just not been as motivated to work on drafts; partially irl stuff, partially because my drafts have been proving difficult, and mostly just because I've burned off my manic buzz.
I'll leave this one up for another week or so unless major changes are proposed.
Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2018 9:16 pm
by Sacara
This is a fun issue, Jutsa. I like it.
Only thing I would add is to add something to make it clear that the speaker wants to get rid of further regulations, in addition to what you already have.
Posted: Fri Nov 09, 2018 5:09 pm
by Jutsa
Changed it a little bit; added a single interjection to 2(a/b), a small and kinda cute sentence to the end of 1, and cut out a clause in place of a new sentence for 4. Overall a bit longer, but I hope that's not too detrimental.
Leaving this 'un up for another half-week or so I guess.
Posted: Sat Nov 10, 2018 8:09 am
by Jutsa
whoops, forgot to put last call in the title. o_O
Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2018 10:31 pm
by Sacara
Not exactly my taste, but it's a nice issue, Jutsa.
Looks good to me.
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 7:45 am
by Verdant Haven
I think my only suggestion on this one would be regarding the effects line from option 2a/b
I understand what you're saying with it, but "7-year-olds' lemonade stands become just as old by the time legal paperwork's been sorted out" is a tough syntax to parse without an extra word or two in it. I would probably use something closer to "children grow up before the paperwork for their lemonade stands can be sorted out."
Otherwise, solid!
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 8:43 am
by Jutsa
Thanks, you guys.
Going to submit this a little later today; have something else to attend to irl though.
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 10:43 am
by Jutsa
It has been submitted! Many thanks, every...fffff
dangit I forgot I wanted Yotongrek to submit, gimme a second I'll ask an editor to delete it for me. >.>
Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2018 9:57 pm
by Australian rePublic
Good Luck!
Posted: Tue Nov 13, 2018 9:15 am
by Jutsa
lol thanks Aussie...
I'm... honestly not sure where Yotongrek is, I tg'd them to submit and they've not gotten back to me. Probably just busy with irl. >_>
Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2018 8:10 pm
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