NationStates

Sacara wrote:You still haven't changed to the draft to reflect one of CWA's first comments. Instead of focusing on the leaders of the movement, you should talk about that the people that were protesting had masks on and the police have no idea who to charge for their crimes, and have the options reflect that. /runonsentence.

Ah, I didn't know that was criticism.

Changed it accordingly.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preventing_Persons_from_Concealing_Their_Identity_during_Riots_and_Unlawful_Assemblies_Act
http://dcist.com/2010/11/masked_protest ... counci.php

So not anonymous organisers, but rather protesting in general without wanting to identify yourself.

This was the post I was referencing.

Your change in premise makes this issue stronger, but you still need to go through and tidy things up before submitting.

Sacara wrote:

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Preventing_Persons_from_Concealing_Their_Identity_during_Riots_and_Unlawful_Assemblies_Act
http://dcist.com/2010/11/masked_protest ... counci.php

So not anonymous organisers, but rather protesting in general without wanting to identify yourself.

This was the post I was referencing.

Your change in premise makes this issue stronger, but you still need to go through and tidy things up before submitting.

I know, I'm not anywhere close to submitting this.

I wasn't so much asking you to change the premise, more telling you what I was thinking of when I suggested that issue idea.

If you're going with the organisers being anonymous, that's a good issue too.

If you're talking about protestors wearing masks, that's a different issue, which would need a different title and which has different moral dimensions to it. I suggest reading the links I provided if you want to go that way.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I wasn't so much asking you to change the premise, more telling you what I was thinking of when I suggested that issue idea.

If you're going with the organisers being anonymous, that's a good issue too.

If you're talking about protestors wearing masks, that's a different issue, which would need a different title and which has different moral dimensions to it. I suggest reading the links I provided if you want to go that way.

I feel that a stronger issue premise would be protestors being anonymous.

The link you gave was certainly an interesting case.

Okay, if you're sticking with it being about masked protestors, then revisit the title and the options, which are currently written as if talking about anonymous organisers of the protests.

The key points to cover in a masked protester issue are:

Against:
- Masks make people less accountable for their actions, and thus more prone to illegal activities while protesting.
- Masks are dishonest, as if you don't know who is protesting you don't know if their protest is sincere.
For:
- Masks allow people to protest without fear of retribution from the established powers.
- Masks allow honest expression of political belief without worrying about being stigmatised in work or public life.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Okay, if you're sticking with it being about masked protestors, then revisit the title and the options, which are currently written as if talking about anonymous organisers of the protests.

The key points to cover in a masked protester issue are:

Against:
- Masks make people less accountable for their actions, and thus more prone to illegal activities while protesting.
- Masks are dishonest, as if you don't know who is protesting you don't know if their protest is sincere.
For:
- Masks allow people to protest without fear of retribution from the established powers.
- Masks allow honest expression of political belief without worrying about being stigmatised in work or public life.

Got it. Edited the issue to do all that.

Any other feedback?

It's now structurally sound though likely would face heavy editing if used, just to improve the writing of the options.

Try to make them flow a bit better, sharpen up the English where you can, and rethink effect lines 1 and 2.

Right now it's probably an issue I'd say yes to, but would have to edit very heavily. If you can take it 50% further towards good writing, that'd be appreciated.

Rethought effect line 2, but don't know what to use for 1.

Other than that, sharpened up the entire issue like CWA suggested.

And ideas for effect line 1?

Maybe

"Fourteen lovely people got hurt that day," says @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE_1@@, cradling a baby that isn't hers. "Even if they didn't do it themselves, they need to be held responsible! Besides, how do we know if their protests were even real if they're too scared to come out and tell the public who they are? Anyone protester wearing a mask must be arrested and exposed!"

EFFECT: the only masked thugs at protests are the police

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Maybe

"Fourteen lovely people got hurt that day," says @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE_1@@, cradling a baby that isn't hers. "Even if they didn't do it themselves, they need to be held responsible! Besides, how do we know if their protests were even real if they're too scared to come out and tell the public who they are? Anyone protester wearing a mask must be arrested and exposed!"

EFFECT: the only masked thugs at protests are the police

Thanks! I feel like that's probably much stronger than my old effect line

(But I mean, that's why you're an issue editor).

Thinking about submitting this soon.

You need to give it more time.

Effects two and three are still somewhat awkward and abrasive.

changed option 2 and 3's fallout, but 2 doesn't really fit.

Ba-bump

Hmm, grammar fail on that sentence I suggested, sorry.

I meant:

Anyone protesting while wearing a mask must be arrested and forcibly exposed!

Got it, I was gonna change that, but I was worried I was wrong cause you're an issue editor

Krogon wrote:Got it, I was gonna change that, but I was worried I was wrong cause you're an issue editor

Well, put it this way: I didn't get made an editor for the quality of my grammar, punctuation or proof-reading. Luckily we got other editors who are good at those things!

fair enough

any glaring points of disgust in this right now?

Bump

Bump

Don't bump sequentially like that please.

My advice is that a drafting thread should be bumped no more than once in it's existence, and no sooner than a week into it's existence. If you don't get any further comments after a week or two from the first bump, then just submit it.

Alrighty, fair enough. Added a poll to see if i should submit it.

Probably another thing that isn't worth doing, though not forbidden. If you feel it's ready, submit it. If you're not sure, then don't.

Alright. I guess I'll be submitting this.