NationStates

This topic feels like it's too obvious not to be covered by an existing issue, but I couldn't find any when I searched the spoiler thread.

Calling All @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@

[desc]Rural residents of @@NAME@@ are complaining about poor cell phone reception, especially in mountainous regions.

[option]Your phone rings and the @@MAN@@ on the other end says, "We need more cell phone towers so everyone can keep in touch *crackle* their friends and--" The line goes dead, but the phone rings again a moment later. "I lost my job because I *FFFF* *crackle* and I couldn't call my boss to tell @@HIM@@ because my phone reception--" The line goes dead again.
[effect]mountain climbing has gone downhill since all the best peaks are covered with cell towers

[option]"We need to stop wasting resources on underused infrastructure," says your Minister of Public Works. "We've got more important things to do than maintaining cell phone towers in the middle of nowhere that only three people and @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ are going to use. Do @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ really use phones or was that just some local apparatchik trying to boost his numbers? 'Cause if they do..."
[effect]tech support lines are staffed by trained @@ANIMALPLURAL@@
[validity]no capitalism

[option]"How are we supposed to make a profit if we have to build cell phone towers that only three people and @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ are going to use?" asks Universal Telecom CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The government needs to back off and stop sticking their nose in private industry!" @@HE@@ pauses and @@HIS@@ face lights up as if @@HE@@ has just had a flash of inspiration. "I wonder if @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ can really use phones..."
[effect]tech support lines are staffed by trained @@ANIMALPLURAL@@
[validity]capitalism

[option]"We're better off without all those newfangled phones anyway!" says a grumpy old man that has just wandered into your office dressed in lederhosen and accompanied by goats. "Ban cell phones, teach those darn kids how to have a proper face to face conversation, get them off my lawn, and if you're really concerned about people being able to communicate over long distances you can make yodeling a required subject in schools."
[effect]highway signs instruct travelers to yodel for help in case of emergency

ed: Forgot! Yeah, I don't recall anything like this, either; seems like one of those really simple issues that's been overlooked because we've gone niche.
Also, mind my asking if this was inspired by recent in-person events?

"We've got better things to do with our money than put up cell phone towers in the middle of nowhere that only three people and @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ are going to use them.

going to use.*

Option 2 seems kinda like a "dismiss" option, honestly. Perhaps you could propose dialing back on cell phone towers, or cutting back on other services to the area?

Jutsa wrote:ed: Forgot! Yeah, I don't recall anything like this, either; seems like one of those really simple issues that's been overlooked because we've gone niche.
Also, mind my asking if this was inspired by recent in-person events?

"We've got better things to do with our money than put up cell phone towers in the middle of nowhere that only three people and @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ are going to use them.

going to use.*

Option 2 seems kinda like a "dismiss" option, honestly. Perhaps you could propose dialing back on cell phone towers, or cutting back on other services to the area?

I think I was going to say something about people moving to the cities, but then I didn't have a good effect line about that and I got distracted by the @@ANIMAL@@s. I need to think about the wording to get the moving to the city stuff back in there...

That thought also crossed my mind, but, if anything, that might be a better third option since it's a bit more extreme than just dialing back services.

USS Monitor wrote:[effect]the hills are alive with the sound of ringtones

We already have that exact effect line.

You can blame me for that, since the option was added after I suggested it! The effect line isn't mine though.

Jutsa wrote:ed: Forgot! Yeah, I don't recall anything like this, either; seems like one of those really simple issues that's been overlooked because we've gone niche.

#281 option 2 briefly mentions telecommunication in rural areas, but a different kind of telecommunication and it isn't the main focus of the issue.

#853 option 3 also wants to ensure better cell phone reception "all over @@NAME@@", but doesn't explicitly emphasize rural areas, and again the issue is mainly about something else.

As an alternative crazy option, maybe have a mountain hermit talk about the wonderfully tranquil it is not to be reachable all the time, and suggest that either everyone move out of the cities, or to take down cell phone towers everywhere?

Hediacrana wrote:As an alternative crazy option, maybe have a mountain hermit talk about the wonderfully tranquil it is not to be reachable all the time, and suggest that either everyone move out of the cities, or to take down cell phone towers everywhere?

I started to write something like that, but it wasn't coming out that great. Might give it another try.

EDIT: New draft. Still not perfect.

USS Monitor wrote:I started to write something like that, but it wasn't coming out that great. Might give it another try.

EDIT: New draft. Still not perfect.

Option three, in its current form, feels very cliche.

EDIT: Going through your draft, all of your speakers are without character. I would suggest adding a little something to each of them to make the issue more interesting.

I love the idea of banning cell phones (it crossed my phones too), but honestly I'm not so worried about it being cliche as I am about it from an issues and policies standpoint.

I mean, as long as you're alright with 911 being a followup from this as well, it could work, but it's certainly something to keep in mind.

Option 2 suggests they move to the city... but it still doesn't really feel like it's doing anything.
It's not really phrased to suggest you'll make them move, or that you'll even take down some sort of existing accomodation,
so much as "if they want it, they can come and get it", which is still kinda "dismiss" in my opinion.
I don't know if* it's a necessity to change, but that's just how I personally feel about it.

@Sacara: I kinda like the characters, actually; particularly option 1's.

Jutsa wrote:@Sacara: I kinda like the characters, actually; particularly option 1's.

Generally, at least for me, I attempt to avoid to use the word 'says', in regards to option one. The character in option two is simply described as "Minister of Finance", and nothing else... kinda boring.

Ah, I can see that; I was more looking at the dialogue, which I thought was pretty alright.

Option 2 will get another rewrite of some kind before I submit this, geared toward offering a clearer set of choices with the three options and the dismiss button each representing distinct paths for your nation.

I don't see the current speakers or the use of "says" as a problem that needs to be fixed. If someone has a suggestion that would be really funny, I'm open to suggestions. If I have a brilliant flash of inspiration that's nice. But I'm not going to wrack my brains about it and I'm not going to hold off submitting because I have the Minister of Finance instead of a kazoo-tooting weirdo.

USS Monitor wrote:Option 2 will get another rewrite of some kind before I submit this, geared toward offering a clearer set of choices with the three options and the dismiss button each representing distinct paths for your nation.

I don't see the current speakers or the use of "says" as a problem that needs to be fixed. If someone has a suggestion that would be really funny, I'm open to suggestions. If I have a brilliant flash of inspiration that's nice. But I'm not going to wrack my brains about it and I'm not going to hold off submitting because I have the Minister of Finance instead of a kazoo-tooting weirdo.

"Do you know how much that would cost?" says your Minister of Finance and part time kazoo enthusiast @@RANDOMNAME@@

I joke of course. Good issue and I honestly cannot believe it hasn't been done yet!

Caracasus wrote:

USS Monitor wrote:Option 2 will get another rewrite of some kind before I submit this, geared toward offering a clearer set of choices with the three options and the dismiss button each representing distinct paths for your nation.

I don't see the current speakers or the use of "says" as a problem that needs to be fixed. If someone has a suggestion that would be really funny, I'm open to suggestions. If I have a brilliant flash of inspiration that's nice. But I'm not going to wrack my brains about it and I'm not going to hold off submitting because I have the Minister of Finance instead of a kazoo-tooting weirdo.

"Do you know how much that would cost?" says your Minister of Finance and part time kazoo enthusiast @@RANDOMNAME@@

I joke of course. Good issue and I honestly cannot believe it hasn't been done yet!

A kazoo-tooting weirdo would be a fine speaker to use somewhere. I'm just not convinced this issue needs it, and if I did put one in this issue, it should be option 3.

USS Monitor wrote:

Caracasus wrote:
"Do you know how much that would cost?" says your Minister of Finance and part time kazoo enthusiast @@RANDOMNAME@@

I joke of course. Good issue and I honestly cannot believe it hasn't been done yet!

A kazoo-tooting weirdo would be a fine speaker to use somewhere. I'm just not convinced this issue needs it, and if I did put one in this issue, it should be option 3.

Well yeah, exactly. Forced humour is honestly worse than no humour.

Sacara wrote:

Jutsa wrote:@Sacara: I kinda like the characters, actually; particularly option 1's.

Generally, at least for me, I attempt to avoid to use the word 'says', in regards to option one. The character in option two is simply described as "Minister of Finance", and nothing else... kinda boring.

We don't have a hard and fast rule against "says". If another dialogue tag would work well, then use it. But if something else wouldn't fit, there's no point in forcing it.

There's no point in reaching for lots of different dialogue tags, just to avoid using says. Otherwise you've got characters breathing, blurting, husking and ejaculating** all over the place.

Like Caracasus said, it's a good issue. I'm also surprised no-one came up with it before.

I know the crackling and interruptions are part of option one, but could you think of another way to reflect that? It's a bit too distracting to read *crackle*.

**Yes, seriously.

New draft.

USS Monitor wrote:New draft.

Now you're definitely overusing 'says'.

The Free Joy State wrote:We don't have a hard and fast rule against "says". If another dialogue tag would work well, then use it. But if something else wouldn't fit, there's no point in forcing it.

There's no point in reaching for lots of different dialogue tags, just to avoid using says. Otherwise you've got characters breathing, blurting, husking and ejaculating** all over the place.

There are so many different words to use than says. Says is one that every kindergartener knows. It's foolish to use 'says' when there are hundreds of other words that actually give insight into how the character is speaking. And this just doesn't go for issues, this goes for writing in general: it's best to avoid 'says' unless you have to.

EDIT: That being said, don't attempt to force something that doesn't fit.

this goes for writing in general: it's best to avoid 'says' unless you have to.

Ironically, I've read the opposite in writing as well; author claims it detracts from the dialogue/story too much,
'specially if it's on the complicated side, and is only suited for certain situations/exaggerations.

I must profess, though, that I admire the use of non-says words, myself; though I don't have a problem with them when they do appear.

Definitely do like this issue, though. I think there's just the right amount of crackling in it, myself.

Sacara wrote:

USS Monitor wrote:New draft.

Now you're definitely overusing 'says'.

The Free Joy State wrote:We don't have a hard and fast rule against "says". If another dialogue tag would work well, then use it. But if something else wouldn't fit, there's no point in forcing it.

There's no point in reaching for lots of different dialogue tags, just to avoid using says. Otherwise you've got characters breathing, blurting, husking and ejaculating** all over the place.

There are so many different words to use than says. Says is one that every kindergartener knows. It's foolish to use 'says' when there are hundreds of other words that actually give insight into how the character is speaking. And this just doesn't go for issues, this goes for writing in general: it's best to avoid 'says' unless you have to.

EDIT: That being said, don't attempt to force something that doesn't fit.

And it's hugely overhyped as advice for writing in general. The awkward dialogue tags when people are trying too hard to avoid "says" or "said" are called "saidbookisms," and they are one of the most common bad habits that beginning writers need to unlearn.

I am willing to take advice about specific places where another word might be better, but I'm not interested in general stylistic advice about it.

Option 1 already has enough distractions from the way the bad phone connection breaks up the dialogue. It needs to have the absolute simplest possible dialogue tags because it is already pushing the limits for the amount of textual clutter.

The other two options, meh. "Says" might get replaced with something else at some point during the editing process, but I'm not overly concerned about it.

Jutsa wrote:I think there's just the right amount of crackling in it, myself.

I took out one of the breaks in the dialogue to let the speaker get out the gist of their argument before the connection gets bad, and I think it is better without that break.

Sacara wrote:

USS Monitor wrote:New draft.

Now you're definitely overusing 'says'.

The Free Joy State wrote:We don't have a hard and fast rule against "says". If another dialogue tag would work well, then use it. But if something else wouldn't fit, there's no point in forcing it.

There's no point in reaching for lots of different dialogue tags, just to avoid using says. Otherwise you've got characters breathing, blurting, husking and ejaculating** all over the place.

There are so many different words to use than says. Says is one that every kindergartener knows. It's foolish to use 'says' when there are hundreds of other words that actually give insight into how the character is speaking. And this just doesn't go for issues, this goes for writing in general: it's best to avoid 'says' unless you have to.

EDIT: That being said, don't attempt to force something that doesn't fit.

I always read that -- when not writing for NS issues -- it's actually preferable that you don't use any dialogue tags other than says/asks. Or, actually, any dialogue tag at all, where avoidable.

Anyway:

USS Monitor wrote:

Jutsa wrote:I think there's just the right amount of crackling in it, myself.

I took out one of the breaks in the dialogue to let the speaker get out the gist of their argument before the connection gets bad, and I think it is better without that break.

I find it easier to follow without the first break.

The Free Joy State wrote:

Sacara wrote:Now you're definitely overusing 'says'.

There are so many different words to use than says. Says is one that every kindergartener knows. It's foolish to use 'says' when there are hundreds of other words that actually give insight into how the character is speaking. And this just doesn't go for issues, this goes for writing in general: it's best to avoid 'says' unless you have to.

EDIT: That being said, don't attempt to force something that doesn't fit.

I always read that -- when not writing for NS issues -- it's actually preferable that you don't use any dialogue tags other than says/asks. Or, actually, any dialogue tag at all, where avoidable.

If it's already clear who's talking, then they don't really add anything. NS issues, you need them because you have a different speaker each option and you need to introduce the speakers. It's not like a conversation in a novel where you can have the same two characters going back and forth for several pages, and it gets really repetitive if you keep reminding the reader who the speakers are 20 times on the same page. And really distracting if you come up with 20 different words for "said."

But there is an element of personal taste, and my taste definitely runs toward simple tags like "says." FWIW, it has been a subject of debate in the editing room when someone was editing my issues.

USS Monitor wrote:It's not like a conversation in a novel where you can have the same two characters going back and forth for several pages, and it gets really repetitive if you keep reminding the reader who the speakers are 20 times on the same page.

Though I've seen the opposite problem, where two characters keep talking back and forth without reminding us who they are and I lose track of who's saying what because I haven't meticulously counted whether there's been an even or an odd number of lines...

Heaven help you if there's three characters in the scene and you're expected to guess from context who's actually saying what.

Trotterdam wrote:

USS Monitor wrote:It's not like a conversation in a novel where you can have the same two characters going back and forth for several pages, and it gets really repetitive if you keep reminding the reader who the speakers are 20 times on the same page.

Though I've seen the opposite problem, where two characters keep talking back and forth without reminding us who they are and I lose track of who's saying what because I haven't meticulously counted whether there's been an even or an odd number of lines...

Heaven help you if there's three characters in the scene and you're expected to guess from context who's actually saying what.

True. You've got to find a balance.

(This is USS Monitor's puppet that is playing in the NS World Cup. I logged into it so I could post an RP and don't feel like switching back.)