NationStates

Petty points.

proceed with the procedure

Sounds a bit too proceed-y. Maybe say something like "go through with the procedure?"

rebuts @@RANDOMMALENAME@@

"Rebuts" sounds a bit biased. I mean, the verb is defined to mean "to claim or prove that (evidence or an accusation) is false." If Option 2 indubitably falsifies the guy in Option 1, we need not discuss it further, do we?

Maybe say something like he "retorts" or "rejoins."

a former inmate who now is a prominent masseur

Is there a specific reason why the speaker here is a masseur?

else wise

elsewise

Frieden-und Freudenland wrote:Petty points.

Thanks! Implemented. Also on last call.

If, in the last option, prisoners lose the right to eat, is that meant to convey that this option in effect introduces the death penalty through starvation? This may be well what you intend, given the speaker's obvious extremism; but if so, maybe make it a little more clear that that is what will happen, because while the text suggests it, I believe it's the kind of thing that not every reader will pick up on, so they might be surprised by the outcome.

That aside, I believe this issue looks good to go.

Hediacrana wrote:If, in the last option, prisoners lose the right to eat, is that meant to convey that this option in effect introduces the death penalty through starvation? This may be well what you intend, given the speaker's obvious extremism; but if so, maybe make it a little more clear that that is what will happen, because while the text suggests it, I believe it's the kind of thing that not every reader will pick up on, so they might be surprised by the outcome.

That aside, I believe this issue looks good to go.

I changed it to "decent" food to get rid of that risk.

I will hold off on submitting this for now.

Sacara wrote:I will hold off on submitting this for now.

....OR, if you're at that point when you're announcing your last calls, you could just... copy the draft....and then head on over to the issue submissions page, and then paste. Trust me, miracles happen then.

Chan Island wrote:....OR, if you're at that point when you're announcing your last calls, you could just... copy the draft....and then head on over to the issue submissions page, and then paste. Trust me, miracles happen then.

It's now submitted.

Thanks once again to everyone who helped me!

Good Luck

Thanks to everyone that helped this draft. This has been accepted as #1050: Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks.

Sacara wrote:Thanks to everyone that helped this draft. This has been accepted as #1050: Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks.

Yay! Congrats Sacara. It's a good one and I'm looking forward to answering it.