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[ACCEPTED; #1050] - Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Sacara
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[ACCEPTED; #1050] - Criminal Guns Soon to Be Shooting Blanks

Postby Sacara » Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:36 pm

Inspiration. Looking for a new effect line for option two.
Name: Corrupted Seeds Of Life
Validity: has judiciary, has prisons
The Issue: Earlier this week, @@RANDOMNAME@@, a judge from @@CURRENCY@@ City, released a statement promising reduced jail time to inmates who undergo a voluntary sterilization surgery. Ten inmates have already agreed to go through with with the procedure, but opponents are urging you to step in before more are able to take of advantage of it.

[Option 1] "I can't see the cause of concern here," defends the judge in question, who's been on the bench for over thirty years and has been constantly tough on crime. "It is a fact children of criminals are more likely to become criminals themselves, probably. I just want to end the cycle of children in these despicable, horrible, and awful places. Besides, it's not as if I'm forcing them to do this; they make the choices themselves."
[effect] inmates give up more than an arm and a tooth to get out of the clink

[Option 2] "Tsk. Tsk. This almost certainly does force prisoners to undergo a procedure," retorts @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a former inmate who now is a prominent masseur. "The incarcerated will do everything in their power to get out in the least amount of time, even if that means agreeing to a procedure they would never do elsewise. This sort of thing must be banned, and, we need to give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good massage every once and a while?"
[effect] complaining about a tight back puts you on the police radar

[Option 3] "The judge has somethin' right," murmurs @@RANDOMNAME@@, a warden at the @@ANIMAL@@ Correctional Facility who has a reputation for being over-the-top in almost everything @@HE@@ does. "We give too dang much freedom to them prisoners. What we need tuh do is take the whole choosing part out, and sterilize all of 'em. Once they commit a crime, they lose all them privileges, like if to eat decent food or any darn privacy."
[effect] jaywalking as a kid will put an end to the family tree
  • Made option three more radical and changed the tone of speaker in options one and three.
  • Reworded option two.
  • Changed option two.
Last edited by Sacara on Sat Oct 27, 2018 5:58 pm, edited 17 times in total.
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Zeritae
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Postby Zeritae » Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:41 pm

Maybe Add a crazy general guy wanting more people to be born to be soldiers, &/or
Change @@Currency@@ To @@CITY@@

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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:44 pm

Zeritae wrote:Maybe Add a crazy general guy wanting more people to be born to be soldiers, &/or
Change @@Currency@@ To @@CITY@@

What a quick reply. :p

Personally, I'm not seeing the merit of adding such an option. I wouldn't be entirely opposed to adding another option, but there are already enough options in the game that can increase a nation's defense forces. Also, there is no @@CITY@@ tag.
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Postby Hediacrana » Thu Jul 19, 2018 9:57 pm

Not sure about the effect line about a baby boom in prisons... Do the prisons allow romantic visits? Or are the sexes mixed?
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Sacara
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Postby Sacara » Thu Jul 19, 2018 10:00 pm

Hediacrana wrote:Not sure about the effect line about a baby boom in prisons... Do the prisons allow romantic visits? Or are the sexes mixed?

That's one of my weakest points, imo. I didn't want to leave it blank so I quickly jotted something down because I couldn't think of anything better. That's just temporary until I think of a better one or someone comes along and suggests one. :blush:
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Chan Island
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Postby Chan Island » Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:07 am

Keep it classy Tennessee.

Not much to comment here, it's of a good standard.

You're already aware that option 2's effect line needs to be altered and I'll come back here when I think of something. The other problem with option 2 is... well, it's too sensible. You need to add a drawback into the option because most people are going to be picking that one.
viewtopic.php?f=20&t=513597&p=39401766#p39401766
Conserative Morality wrote:"It's not time yet" is a tactic used by reactionaries in every era. "It's not time for democracy, it's not time for capitalism, it's not time for emancipation." Of course it's not time. It's never time, not on its own. You make it time. If you're under fire in the no-man's land of WW1, you start digging a foxhole even if the ideal time would be when you *aren't* being bombarded, because once you wait for it to be 'time', other situations will need your attention, assuming you survive that long. If the fields aren't furrowed, plow them. If the iron is not hot, make it so. If society is not ready, change it.

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Frieden-und Freudenland
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Postby Frieden-und Freudenland » Fri Jul 20, 2018 12:45 am

Sacara wrote:
Hediacrana wrote:Not sure about the effect line about a baby boom in prisons... Do the prisons allow romantic visits? Or are the sexes mixed?

That's one of my weakest points, imo. I didn't want to leave it blank so I quickly jotted something down because I couldn't think of anything better. That's just temporary until I think of a better one or someone comes along and suggests one. :blush:

Yeah - and probably the inmates wouldn't continue to live in the vicinity of the jail after they were released :P

Maybe something like "kids of ex-cons often end up in foster care"? I know it's not funny, but captures the result.

---------------

As for the issue...

Irony: I bet my bottom dollar that this judge is pro-life in real life. But you see, I guess God's command to "be fruitful and multiply" only applies to people who never used drugs. :blink:

Anyway, though the guy angers me, it doesn't appear that he has an essentialist viewpoint, i.e., he doesn't suggest that a criminal's child is destined to be a criminal as well (though one critic in the article speculated that this must have been his motive). In the real story, he says he defends this to prevent children from being born in an unhealthy environment where the parents are drug addicts. Maybe you could focus on this aspect in Option 1. This would also make a pro-rehab option relevant.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jul 20, 2018 2:47 am

Great issue premise, and already this is an issue at the "pass" level.

I feel the ideas kind of stop where the options begin though, and it all feels a bit by-the-numbers in choices offered.

Try to make the options sing a bit more - make the characters more distinctive from each other, add some more passion and humour.

Option 1 is probably the strongest right now, with information added to the debate and a good effect line, but even that one could use more laughs.
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:29 am

Hediacrana wrote:Not sure about the effect line about a baby boom in prisons... Do the prisons allow romantic visits? Or are the sexes mixed?

And in either case, why would this cause increase in ex-con fornication as soon as they leave the joint?

Also, @@CURRENCY@@ City doesn't sit well with me. Imagine a Dollar City, or a Euro City. That doesn't sound too good
Last edited by Australian rePublic on Fri Jul 20, 2018 4:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sacara » Fri Jul 20, 2018 8:22 pm

Frieden-und Freudenland wrote:Maybe you could focus on this aspect in Option 1. This would also make a pro-rehab option relevant.

Will add more to option one. Not sure about a pro-rehab option, but I'll think about it.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Great issue premise, and already this is an issue at the "pass" level.

Thanks! :blush:

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I feel the ideas kind of stop where the options begin though, and it all feels a bit by-the-numbers in choices offered.

Try to make the options sing a bit more - make the characters more distinctive from each other, add some more passion and humour.

I don't quite get what you mean about 'bit by-the-numbers'? Do you believe this needs more than three options?

Australian rePublic wrote:And in either case, why would this cause increase in ex-con fornication as soon as they leave the joint?

Also, @@CURRENCY@@ City doesn't sit well with me. Imagine a Dollar City, or a Euro City. That doesn't sound too good

Already noted that I need a new effect line for option two. I was just going to use @@ANIMAL@@, but that'd be three times. Plus, @@CURRENCY@@ is something unique. There are many animals that also sound weird as a city as well.

Overall, will update shortly. Thanks for the feedback so far!

EDIT: I updated the issue and added/removed certain things from the options.
Last edited by Sacara on Fri Jul 20, 2018 8:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Chan Island
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Postby Chan Island » Sat Jul 21, 2018 4:58 am

Australian rePublic wrote:
Hediacrana wrote:Not sure about the effect line about a baby boom in prisons... Do the prisons allow romantic visits? Or are the sexes mixed?

And in either case, why would this cause increase in ex-con fornication as soon as they leave the joint?

Also, @@CURRENCY@@ City doesn't sit well with me. Imagine a Dollar City, or a Euro City. That doesn't sound too good


Imagine Shiny Thing City.

I'm onboard with this idea.
viewtopic.php?f=20&t=513597&p=39401766#p39401766
Conserative Morality wrote:"It's not time yet" is a tactic used by reactionaries in every era. "It's not time for democracy, it's not time for capitalism, it's not time for emancipation." Of course it's not time. It's never time, not on its own. You make it time. If you're under fire in the no-man's land of WW1, you start digging a foxhole even if the ideal time would be when you *aren't* being bombarded, because once you wait for it to be 'time', other situations will need your attention, assuming you survive that long. If the fields aren't furrowed, plow them. If the iron is not hot, make it so. If society is not ready, change it.

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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jul 23, 2018 6:48 am

Re being "by the numbers" I mean that all the speakers are very factual and sensible in presenting the advantages of their position, which is fine, but they basically all sound like the same person presenting three different opinions.

I suggest trying to play around with their speech patterns, their choice of words and their actions, to make each feel like a distinct character.
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Postby Sacara » Mon Jul 23, 2018 8:24 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Re being "by the numbers" I mean that all the speakers are very factual and sensible in presenting the advantages of their position, which is fine, but they basically all sound like the same person presenting three different opinions.

I suggest trying to play around with their speech patterns, their choice of words and their actions, to make each feel like a distinct character.

Thanks for explaining.

Made option three more radical and changed the tone of the speakers in options one and three. Still looking for an effect line for option two.
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Postby Hediacrana » Mon Jul 23, 2018 9:17 pm

Sacara wrote:
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Re being "by the numbers" I mean that all the speakers are very factual and sensible in presenting the advantages of their position, which is fine, but they basically all sound like the same person presenting three different opinions.

I suggest trying to play around with their speech patterns, their choice of words and their actions, to make each feel like a distinct character.

Thanks for explaining.

Made option three more radical and changed the tone of the speakers in options one and three. Still looking for an effect line for option two.


"In fact, we need to give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good meal or more free time." <- that line in option 2 is new, is it not? It opens the door to all kinds of possible effect lines... "prisons are hard to distinguish from gated communities" or something like that?
Last edited by Hediacrana on Mon Jul 23, 2018 10:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Trotterdam » Tue Jul 24, 2018 5:34 am

Hediacrana wrote:"In fact, we need to give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good meal or more free time." <- that line in option 2 is new, is it not?
Wait, but the speaker of option 2 is against giving prisoners a certain choice, right?

I understand that the context is different, but still, it doesn't really seem fitting...

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Postby Chan Island » Tue Jul 24, 2018 5:58 am

Trotterdam wrote:
Hediacrana wrote:"In fact, we need to give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good meal or more free time." <- that line in option 2 is new, is it not?
Wait, but the speaker of option 2 is against giving prisoners a certain choice, right?

I understand that the context is different, but still, it doesn't really seem fitting...


^This. That line caught me off-guard to say the least.

Also, liking the new option 3.
viewtopic.php?f=20&t=513597&p=39401766#p39401766
Conserative Morality wrote:"It's not time yet" is a tactic used by reactionaries in every era. "It's not time for democracy, it's not time for capitalism, it's not time for emancipation." Of course it's not time. It's never time, not on its own. You make it time. If you're under fire in the no-man's land of WW1, you start digging a foxhole even if the ideal time would be when you *aren't* being bombarded, because once you wait for it to be 'time', other situations will need your attention, assuming you survive that long. If the fields aren't furrowed, plow them. If the iron is not hot, make it so. If society is not ready, change it.

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Postby Sacara » Tue Jul 24, 2018 3:32 pm

Chan Island wrote:
Trotterdam wrote:Wait, but the speaker of option 2 is against giving prisoners a certain choice, right?

I understand that the context is different, but still, it doesn't really seem fitting...


^This. That line caught me off-guard to say the least.

Also, liking the new option 3.
Trotterdam wrote:
Hediacrana wrote:"In fact, we need to give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good meal or more free time." <- that line in option 2 is new, is it not?
Wait, but the speaker of option 2 is against giving prisoners a certain choice, right?

I understand that the context is different, but still, it doesn't really seem fitting...

Reworded option two to make it easier to understand. And thanks. :)

How's it looking now?
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Postby Hediacrana » Tue Jul 24, 2018 7:23 pm

Looks good to me!

I'm still brainstorming about that missing effect line. Maybe the speaker could be an inmate-turned-award-winning-chef, rather than an inmate-turned-lawyer, the good prison meal could be described as a fancy three course meal with a nice Chianti, and then the effect line could be something like 'people murder for a taste of the finest @@ADJECTIVE@@ cuisine.'
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Postby Chan Island » Wed Jul 25, 2018 2:14 am

Hediacrana wrote:Looks good to me!

I'm still brainstorming about that missing effect line. Maybe the speaker could be an inmate-turned-award-winning-chef, rather than an inmate-turned-lawyer, the good prison meal could be described as a fancy three course meal with a nice Chianti, and then the effect line could be something like 'people murder for a taste of the finest @@ADJECTIVE@@ cuisine.'


... I think you've solved what option 2 needed. This is exactly what option 2 should be like. :lol:
viewtopic.php?f=20&t=513597&p=39401766#p39401766
Conserative Morality wrote:"It's not time yet" is a tactic used by reactionaries in every era. "It's not time for democracy, it's not time for capitalism, it's not time for emancipation." Of course it's not time. It's never time, not on its own. You make it time. If you're under fire in the no-man's land of WW1, you start digging a foxhole even if the ideal time would be when you *aren't* being bombarded, because once you wait for it to be 'time', other situations will need your attention, assuming you survive that long. If the fields aren't furrowed, plow them. If the iron is not hot, make it so. If society is not ready, change it.

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Postby Sacara » Wed Jul 25, 2018 7:51 am

Hediacrana wrote:Looks good to me!

I'm still brainstorming about that missing effect line. Maybe the speaker could be an inmate-turned-award-winning-chef, rather than an inmate-turned-lawyer, the good prison meal could be described as a fancy three course meal with a nice Chianti, and then the effect line could be something like 'people murder for a taste of the finest @@ADJECTIVE@@ cuisine.'

Love it. Will implement when I get back to the hotel later tonight.
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Postby Sacara » Sun Jul 29, 2018 12:14 pm

Hediacrana wrote:Looks good to me!

I'm still brainstorming about that missing effect line. Maybe the speaker could be an inmate-turned-award-winning-chef, rather than an inmate-turned-lawyer, the good prison meal could be described as a fancy three course meal with a nice Chianti, and then the effect line could be something like 'people murder for a taste of the finest @@ADJECTIVE@@ cuisine.'

Looking back on this, we have to keep in mind Issue #601, "Food Behind Bars", which is about the type of food served to prisoners. Too much overlap?
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Postby Hediacrana » Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:24 am

Sacara wrote:
Hediacrana wrote:Looking back on this, we have to keep in mind Issue #601, "Food Behind Bars", which is about the type of food served to prisoners. Too much overlap?


Huh. I don't recall seeing that issue before, despite having been on this site for years (with other nations than this one). I guess I always end up without any prisons...

I agree that it does seem similar. I don't know whether it is too close to work, but if so, maybe make it about another type of benefit for the inmates than food. A spa-like experience, with saunas and massages, maybe?
Last edited by Hediacrana on Mon Jul 30, 2018 8:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Sacara » Sun Aug 05, 2018 2:25 pm

Oops! Forgot about this one. Changed option two.
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Postby Sacara » Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:57 pm

I'll probably leave this up for another day or so and then submit.
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Postby Jutsa » Tue Aug 07, 2018 7:03 am

"I can't see the cause of concern here, mister,"
Ah, can't assume @@LEADER@@ is a mister. :)

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