[SCRAPPED] Parting Shot

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

[description]@@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ was @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ teenager who became famous on Instasnap by posting the selfies he took on the top of skyscrapers, bridge pillars, and radio towers; which he often climbed illegally. But yesterday his fans were shaken with the news of his sudden death. It was reported that @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ slipped up and fell from the top of The @@CAPITAL@@ Eye, a gigantic Ferris wheel in the capital, while he was trying to shoot yet another sensational selfie. Worse yet, thousands of other @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ teenagers like him continue to put their lives at risk for selfies on a daily basis.

[validity]must have internet & cellphones

1. [option]"This selfie frenzy needs to end!" wails @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, the mother of the deceased teen, sobbing on your shoulder. "How many youngsters will have to die for you to take action? Please ban all cellphones with front cameras, @@LEADER@@, so our poor kids will not be tempted to jeopardize their lives to capture a dizzying snapshot."

[effect]random passers-by have started to hear the question 'Could you take a picture of us?' again

2. [option]"Bah, humbug! The problem is popularity-addicted teens, not the selfies!" grunts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a self-employed internet-based journalist, while @@HE@@ live-streams @@HIS@@ meeting with you on @@HIS@@ Telescope channel. "Look, we all know that teenagers have immature brains bombarded with hormones and stuff, and they tend to act impulsively and to do stupid stuff, especially to impress the girls and stuff, you know. If people under 18 were banned from using social media, we wouldn't have to worry about this... stuff."

[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ teenagers are discovering the art of scrapbooking

3. [option]"Hey, why do you fail to see that this tragic event was essentially a security failure?" questions @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Chief Police Officer from @@CAPITAL@@ Police Department. "It is illegal to climb up these landmarks anyway. The problem is that we don't have enough security presence to enforce the rules. If you give my department more funding, we could allocate some officers to the task of spotting potential sensation-seekers and preventing them from going through with their crazy plans. What do you say?"

[effect]skyscrapers typically have dusty windows as the cleaning crew often fails the stringent security checks

4. [option]"Whoah, stay away from my freedoms!" exclaims @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ teenager, then presses a sudden unsolicited kiss to your lips, takes a selfie, and posts it on Twitcher to complete the #SevenDeadlySins challenge. "Haha, lust! There you go. Suck it, @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@! Anyway, @@LEADER@@, don't listen to these dinosaurs. You should allow us to take selfies whenever we want, wherever we want. I mean, freedom is a good thing, right?"

[effect]teenagers who take selfies during class exasperate their teachers

[description]@@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ was @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ teenager who amassed a large number of followers on his Instasnap Channel "The Sky Is The Limit" by posting the breathtaking selfies he took on the top of skyscrapers, bridge pillars, and radio towers; which he often climbed illegally. But yesterday his fans became devastated with the news of his sudden death. It was reported that @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ slipped up and fell from the top of The @@CAPITAL@@ Eye, a gigantic Ferris wheel that is one of the tourist hotspots in the city, while he was trying to shoot yet another sensational selfie. Worse yet, @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ is not the only teenager who is caught up in the selfie craze, and it is estimated that there are thousands of others like him in @@NAME@@ who regularly put their lives at risk for selfies.

OK, I guess the description is a bit too long.

And I wouldn't mind if someone suggested a nice effect line for Option 4

I'm waiting for your comments, I hope you like this draft!

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

So I see this issue fell to the second page without getting any comments. Is it that bad?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Well, for my part, it's identical in premise to my submission from a few years ago, and if it ends up being published my one would have to be deleted. And that issue is one I'm very happy with, so I'd be sad to see it go.

So while I wish you the best of luck, I also am not going to put energy into sending my own issue to the trash heap.

By all means proceed in fair competition though, and for fairness I'll make sure I'm not the editor making the quality judgement on your submission.

[Australian rePublic]

How exactly would a leade e.g stop selfies?

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

How exactly would a leade e.g stop selfies?

Hmm, good question.

Perhaps by banning smartphones with front cameras?

[Australian rePublic]

How exactly would a leade e.g stop selfies?

Hmm, good question.

Perhaps by banning smartphones with front cameras?

I suppose. But that'll create a market for imports

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Hmm, good question.

Perhaps by banning smartphones with front cameras?

I suppose. But that'll create a market for imports

I meant an all-out ban. I think this would also prohibit the importation of smartphones with front cameras.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

OK, I changed the selfie ban into a ban for cellphones with front cameras. I hope this takes care of that confusion.

Any other comments?

[Hediacrana]

Neat issue. This is a fairly minor point, but is it intentional that the journalist uses the word 'stuff' twice in a row? If there isn't a particular reason that I'm missing, I'd rephrase that.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Neat issue. This is a fairly minor point, but is it intentional that the journalist uses the word 'stuff' twice in a row? If there isn't a particular reason that I'm missing, I'd rephrase that.

Yeah, they actually use it three times.

Well, I was trying to show that this particular internet journalist wasn't a very high-quality journalist with a very rich vocabulary, and couldn't express himself/herself without excessively using a filler word like "stuff."

But it's not that humorous, I suppose?

[Hediacrana]

Neat issue. This is a fairly minor point, but is it intentional that the journalist uses the word 'stuff' twice in a row? If there isn't a particular reason that I'm missing, I'd rephrase that.

Yeah, they actually use it three times.

Well, I was trying to show that this particular internet journalist wasn't a very high-quality journalist with a very rich vocabulary, and couldn't express himself/herself without excessively using a filler word like "stuff."

But it's not that humorous, I suppose?

Oh yes, looks like I missed one!

I do see the irony. I would not remove it; it may just be a tad too subtle (though others may disagree). You might make it more explicit, and more obviously intentional, by replacing 'If people under 18 were banned from using social media, the problem would solve itself.' with: If people under 18 were banned from using social media, we wouldn't have to worry about this... stuff.' Also, to further stress the lack of quality of this internet-based journalist, you could add that he is self-employed or freelance or something. (for free-lance journalists reading this: no offense intended)

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Yeah, they actually use it three times.

Well, I was trying to show that this particular internet journalist wasn't a very high-quality journalist with a very rich vocabulary, and couldn't express himself/herself without excessively using a filler word like "stuff."

But it's not that humorous, I suppose?

Oh yes, looks like I missed one!

I do see the irony. I would not remove it; it may just be a tad too subtle (though others may disagree). You might make it more explicit, and more obviously intentional, by replacing 'If people under 18 were banned from using social media, the problem would solve itself.' with: If people under 18 were banned from using social media, we wouldn't have to worry about this... stuff.' Also, to further stress the lack of quality of this internet-based journalist, you could add that he is self-employed or freelance or something. (for free-lance journalists reading this: no offense intended)

All good points. Implemented.

Thank you!

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Bump

I shortened the description a little bit.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

OK, do you guys think that the description needs to be abridged further? Also, is Option 4 funny at all?

[Sacara]

OK, do you guys think that the description needs to be abridged further? Also, is Option 4 funny at all?

Cringey is the word I would use.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Do you think this one is ripe for submission?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Personally I think this one is going to clash far too directly with my one, and one of us is going to be sad. No lie, I like mine better, and if you get yours published first I'll make a point of showing my issue to whichever edit picks it, and challenging them to make a comparison. Likewise, I'd be very annoyed if a draft I wrote years ago was ditched for this one.

viewtopic.php?f=13&t=407450

Ah well, guess we'll see what happens. If another editor prefers your one, I'll just have to accept that judgement and move on.

[Frieden-und Freudenland]

Personally I think this one is going to clash far too directly with my one, and one of us is going to be sad. No lie, I like mine better, and if you get yours published first I'll make a point of showing my issue to whichever edit picks it, and challenging them to make a comparison. Likewise, I'd be very annoyed if a draft I wrote years ago was ditched for this one.

viewtopic.php?f=13&t=407450

Ah well, guess we'll see what happens. If another editor prefers your one, I'll just have to accept that judgement and move on.

Yeah, I think our issue descriptions are very similar - but I'd say that the options are not *that* similar. You know, where one of my options bans teens from using social media, one of your options suggests banning the entire internet, etc. I dunno. But sure, these overlaps are enough to kick one issue out of the pool. As you said, we'll have to wait and see, I guess. I quite like your issue, though